Lucky Scars

by Kerry Heavens

  My Starman.

  “You need to give him some time to calm down, and then you need to tell him that he did nothing wrong. He needs to know that you don’t judge him, so that perhaps he can stop judging himself. Then you need to tell him how you feel.”

  I picked a star out of the pile and inspected the folds and curves. It was the simplest thing, and yet it held a meaning I would treasure forever, especially as it was all I had left. “I can’t do that to him, Charlie. Even if he would hear me out, it will just push him further away.”

  “Oh, Trix. I could smack you sometimes,”

  “Ha!” I laughed bitterly. “You’ve smacked me plenty of times.”

  “Yeah, but this time is justified.”

  “I know you mean well, little brother, but there’s nothing you can do for me.” I rolled the star in my fingers, and the end came untucked from its fold. I toyed with it and then began unravelling the star, interested to see how it was made.

  “You will be okay, you know,” he reassured me. “I know this feels like the end of the world, but things will get better. Give him a little time, and then make sure he knows that he still has his best friend. It’s a start, at least. Then you can see where you go from there.”

  “If he would take me back as his best friend, I’d be happy. I’d never ask him for more. It’s not fair of me to even wish for it.”

  “Alright, Trix,” Charlie conceded, “whatever you say.”

  I was about to argue his platitude when I noticed something written on the inside of the strip of paper I unravelled from the star. I unrolled it fully and stared at Ziggy’s handwriting.

  You are the best thing to ever happen to me.

  I gasped.

  “You okay?”

  I couldn’t speak for a second, but I reached for another star, this time picking the end from its hiding place and unravelling it with purpose.

  Sparkles, you make the whole world shine.

  “I’ve got to go,” I told him and hung up without a care to how much that would worry him. I had to see what was written in the others.

  My hands shook as I picked up another star.

  I feel safe with you.

  Then another and another…

  I love the sound of your laughter.

  Your heart isn’t black, it’s a rainbow of love.

  You make me feel free.

  I love the way you smile.

  You make me want to live.

  My heart could hardly stand his words. Were these meant to be read? I felt like I was reading something secret and I should stop, but I had to continue more than I had to breathe. I only wished I knew what order they came in.

  You looked beautiful tonight.

  I wondered if he’d put that one in the jar last night.

  You’ve rescued me, Sparkles.

  You make me whole.

  I’m not broken when I’m with you.

  You make me smile when I feel like nothing can.

  I hope he makes you happy.

  I let you win.

  I wish things were different.

  I wish I deserved you.

  That one made me pause. What did they all mean? That he loved our friendship? That I meant a lot to him? Until that last star, I could convince myself that he was just expressing love to his best friend. But “deserve me”? That meant more, right? I was so confused. All these words could mean so many things and I was a fool to hope.

  Then I looked at my bedside table, to that one turquoise star that never made it to the jar, the one he left me after he had the panic attack at the bar that night and slept here for the first time. It was the only star I knew I could place the timing of, and it was from a pivotal moment, at least for me, anyway. It was the moment I knew…I needed to know what was on his mind at the moment I realised I was falling in love.

  I love you.

  I dropped the thin strip of paper into my lap and covered my eyes. I couldn’t handle it. He loves me? How? Like a friend? Like a sister? Or like…?

  I sobbed. It didn’t matter when it was probably past tense now, anyway. A whispered curse pulled me from my sorrow, and I looked up into his wonderful, terrified, mismatched eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “You came back,” I croaked.

  He took in the scene and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. Then he glanced at my bedside table, and when he saw that the star was gone, he closed his eyes and blew out a breath. He didn’t speak. He didn’t move. He just looked afraid.

  I wanted to tell him I was sorry Jonathan pushed him or that he felt he had to go there for my sake. I wanted to tell him that he wasn’t a monster no matter what he thought. I wanted to take it all back somehow, and yet I didn’t want to take any of it back at all.

  But there was more to say than just sorry. There was so much I needed to know.

  I scooped up the unravelled stars and held them up. “Ziggy, what is all this?”

  He didn’t tell me with words. His face said everything. They were something he never wanted me to see; that much was obvious. But I had. So, what now?

  “Talk to me. Please.” I wept.

  His shoulders fell, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I…” He took a step backwards, and I was up in a shot.

  “Don’t you dare walk out on me again! Tell me what these mean, Ziggy.” I held a fist full of them up to his face. He winced, but he didn’t retreat any further.

  “You were never supposed to see those. I shouldn’t have…” he said into his hands, then he lifted his face but couldn’t look at me. “Can you just pretend you never saw them?”

  “Not a chance,” I replied instantly.

  He turned to me, looking desperate. “Sparkles, please. You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. You’re my best friend.” He raised his hand and wiped a tear away as it rolled down my cheek. “I can’t lose you. Please, just put them in the bin.”

  I was horrified at the idea of throwing them away. They were the most special things in the world to me right then, apart from him. “I’m so confused, Zig. What does it all mean?”

  “Nothing. It means nothing. Please, Bea, just let it drop.”

  “Don’t say that,” I begged.

  “You can’t let this ruin things between us,” he pleaded. “I couldn’t stand losing you as a friend.”

  “Why would you lose me?” I stuttered after opening and closing my mouth a few times.

  “Because you don’t feel the same. I don’t want it to be awkward between us. I was never going to tell you. It’s my problem, not yours.”

  This couldn’t be real.

  There was no way I was mistaking his meaning, was there? It seemed fairly clear to me, but I was so rusty, and I didn’t want to humiliate myself. I had to make sure. “Ziggy?”

  He forced his eyes to mine, and I’d never seen him look so concerned.

  “Do you…?” I swallowed. I just had to do this. “Do you have feelings for me?”

  He scrunched up his nose and closed one eye, keeping the other on me. A single nod was all the confirmation he gave, and my heart exploded.

  “Fuck.” It was the only coherent thought I had. I covered my mouth with my fingers, afraid nonsense would pour from my lips.

  “I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

  He…he loved me? I just…there couldn’t…how?

  In my jumbled thoughts, something occurred to me. These stars were messages he never thought I’d get, declarations hiding in plain sight. But even though I never saw inside them to his true feelings, their message did come through loud and clear. It was finally sinking in that each and every time he stood in front of me and handed me a star, he was telling me something with the gesture alone.

  He thought about me.

  He cared about me.

  He valued me.

  He wanted to light up my darkness.

  I didn’t need to see inside them to feel the love they were showing me. I didn’t need to collect them in a jar to
light my way because, with him in my life, the light was everywhere. I didn’t only see how to get to the next level; I saw the whole damn game.

  He loved me.

  He pulled my hand away from my mouth and held it in his. “I know it’s made everything weird right now, Bea, but it doesn’t have to be, you’ll see. We can carry on like none of this ever happened.”

  I shook my head vehemently. “No, we can’t. I—”

  Ziggy cut me off. “We have to,” he insisted.

  “No, but you—”

  “Sparkles, I’m begging you.”

  I snatched my hand back and shoved it across his mouth. “Shut up!” His eyes bulged. “Will you let me speak?”

  He only blinked.

  “We can’t carry on like none of this ever happened because I don’t want to.” I let my hand fall away to let him respond, but he said nothing. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You’re my friend. My fucking boss…I don’t know…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’d met someone…”

  “And you were pushing me to go out with him. Why?”

  “Because it seemed like you needed it. I just wanted to help you be happy.”

  “And you thought you couldn’t be the one to do that?”

  Ziggy scoffed. “Look at me, Bea. I’m hardly what you need.”

  “I am looking at you,” I whispered. “I’ve tried not to, but you’re all I see.”

  Ziggy stilled, and slowly his eyes met mine.

  “I told myself you won’t let yourself be loved, but my stupid heart won’t listen.” A tear slipped down my cheek.

  “Your heart?”

  I nodded, then I looked into his eyes and saw the doubt and sorrow there, and I knew this was the moment. He truly didn’t see how I felt for him. He needed to know how worthy he was, even if he did nothing good with that information. He deserved to know he was loved. “I love you, Ziggy,” I told him as I reached out and touched his cheek.

  He gasped in response, whether to my words or my touch, I didn’t know, but I didn’t want him to feel trapped. So, reluctantly, I pulled back.

  “But I understand.” I told him.

  “Understand what?” He frowned.

  “That you feel you have a debt to repay for Steph, and until that’s done, your happiness comes last.” Her name seemed to take him back to a different place.

  “She deserved to have a happy life,” he murmured.

  “And so do you. I hope one day you’ll see that.” I smiled ruefully.

  He nodded and brushed the backs of his fingers lightly over my cheek. “Bea?” he looked at me hopefully.

  “Yes?”

  “Did you really just say you love me?” A hint of a smile curled his lips.

  I felt the heat in my cheeks as he watched them flush from embarrassment. I pulled the turquoise strip of paper from the tangle in my hand and waved it at him. “You said it first.” I said through fresh tears.

  He plucked it from my fingers and narrowed his eyes grinning. “You weren’t supposed to know that.”

  “Too bad.”

  Ziggy started folding the strip back along its fold lines until he could tuck the end back in. He squashed the sides in to make it back into a puffy little star, then he placed it in my hand. “Where do we go from here?” he asked nervously, then looked up to face me.

  I shrugged. “Anywhere. Nowhere. I’m not asking you to compromise your values for me.”

  “What values?”

  “This whole denial thing you have going on. An eye for an eye, or however you see it. You stop yourself having what you want in penance for what happened, and I have to respect that.” I looked up, afraid to see agreement in his eyes, but there was something else there.

  His eyes burned with desire. “I think you hugely overestimate my restraint, Sparkles.”

  “Huh?” was all I could manage before his lips crashed into mine.

  They were so soft but utterly insistent, then his tongue destroyed all further thought. It slid between my lips as we fell against my bedroom door, and he stole my breath with the tenderness of our first kiss.

  My eyes drifted closed as I savoured it all; it felt so right. After years of closing myself off to touch, to sensation, to feeling, I was overwhelmed. I was embarrassed to find myself moaning woefully as his lips left mine, only to sigh wantonly when he didn’t withdraw, he simply began to explore. He licked and kissed his way down my neck, letting out his own moan before nipping at the delicate skin there with his teeth.

  “Are you okay with this?” he whispered pleadingly.

  “Yes,” I wove my fingers through his hair, trying to draw him back in. “Don’t stop.” I begged.

  His lips found mine again, this time with fevered urgency. His hand slipped under my T-shirt and skimmed over my stomach and ribs before grazing hesitantly across my tightened nipple. I arched into his touch, craving more.

  I needed all of him.

  I pulled at his T-shirt until he lifted his arms, allowing me to lift it over his head and cast it aside, brushing my fingertips along his lean, firm body as I took him in.

  He didn’t let me linger over his perfection long before tugging my own T-shirt over my head and tossing it over his shoulder. He cursed under his breath as he gazed down at me, and I smiled because I knew just how he felt.

  Guiding me backwards as he returned his attention to my lips, he laid me down on my bed. He moved over me, leaning down to trace his tongue in a circle around my nipple. I gasped, crying out when he sucked it between his lips and grazed it with his teeth.

  I needed more of him, but I didn’t know how to ask.

  I lay breathlessly beneath him. He sucked and bit, licked and kissed from one peaked nipple to the other, keeping me in a constant state of desperation until, finally, he couldn’t take it anymore either. He lifted his head and met my heavy lidded eyes, his own eyes ablaze with desire. This was really happening. He wasn’t going to panic and back out. He really wanted to do this.

  In confirmation, he fell against me and laid his whole body along mine. All of it. I felt the hard length of him through his jeans and whimpered when he pressed it against me, kissing me as he rubbed himself over me until I couldn’t stand it. We had to let that thing out.

  Not breaking our breathless kisses, I urged his hips back and tugged at his belt blindly until, miracle of miracles, it came undone. I undid his jeans and shoved them a few inches down his thighs, just enough to allow us to grind together with only thin layers of soft cotton between us.

  “Oh God!” I gasped as his length stroked my clit over and over. He growled as he ground into me. His breaths rasped against my ear. This would be enough. I was going to come just from this. If this was all he could handle for the moment, it would be enough.

  I was wrong in thinking it would end there, though. Ziggy’s hand slid between us as he moved aside. His fingers slipped inside my underwear and found my aching clit while his other hand eased them down my legs.

  “Oh!” I gasped. The sensation of someone else’s hand, fingers that didn’t belong to me, bringing me so much pleasure multiplied everything exponentially.

  “Fuck, you’re so wet,” he groaned in reverence, dipping his finger between my folds.

  “I want you inside me,” I purred.

  He closed his eyes. “Don’t say it like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “So sexy. I’m dying here. You’ll finish me before we start.”

  “Then hurry up and start,” I giggled.

  “Damn, Sparkles. Go easy on me, I’m trying—” he choked on his words when I reached down and stroked him through his underwear, “to make this good for you,” he hissed on a whisper.

  “It’s perfect.” I kissed him deeply, pouring my feelings into the contact as my hand stroked his length over the cotton. He moaned deep in his throat when I freed him from his confines and took him in my hand. He was hard and hot as I stroked him up and down. His breathing hitched when I traced
a finger through the wetness at his tip. I was dying to taste him, but I could see he was just plain dying. There would be more time for tasting, I hoped. Right now, I had to have him inside me before it was too late.

  I ran his head through my folds as I stroked him and grinned against his lips when he grunted in sheer ecstasy. He looked down at me, and the air between us shifted. He moved into position, and I felt his head press against my entrance.

  His eyes fluttered closed while he soaked up the sensation, then they snapped open. “Shit,” he cursed. “Do you have a condom?”

  “I’m on the pill…” I hesitated, realising that didn’t make much sense since I’d been abstinent so long. “It evens out my cycle,” I added to justify it, then cringed and covered my eyes. “Why am I telling you about my cycle now?”

  “Sparkles, I’m about to lose it. Now is the perfect time to tell me about your cycle. It might buy us a couple of minutes.”

  I erupted with laughter. “I love you,” I giggled, then I panicked. Were we at the point where I could just throw that around?

  Ziggy laughed too, knowing my train of thought exactly. “It’s okay to say it if you mean it, Bea.”

  “I do,” I told him sincerely.

  “I do too,” he replied, smiling softly. He kissed me deeply before pulling back, lust filling his eyes, and he bit his lip. “This is going to be fast; don’t judge me. I just need you so much it hurts.”

  “Then take me,” I grinned, and he pressed his lips to mine as he pushed inside me.

  We both cried out our pleasure. I felt so full of him, and I knew I must feel tight around him too. We fit so perfectly together, and with him inside me, I finally felt whole.

  He thrust into me hard, staking his claim.

  “Fuck, you feel so good,” he panted, driving into me again.

  “More,” I begged.

  He gave me more. It was desperate and fevered. I found his firm behind with my hands and pulled him deeper inside, so that we ground together deliciously as we moved. He was holding on as long as he could, I could tell. We were building together. Every thrust brought us closer to the moment we would get to let go of our pasts and hold on to each other.