by Lillard, Amy
“I think we see what we want to see in people. We wanted her to be a certain kind of person, so we all saw her that way.”
“So this is my fault.” Andrew’s very being bubbled with emotions: anger, hurt, longing, and love.
“It’s no one’s fault, son. It simply is.”
Caroline hadn’t wanted him to know the truth. He stood up too fast, the chair sailing out behind him and landing on the floor with a thud. “I’m going for a walk.”
“What about your food?”
He shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”
Abe’s mouth pressed down in a firm line. “I’m sorry.”
“Jah, Onkle Abe, me too.”
“I’ll clean up this mess. You go clear your head.”
“Danki,” he said before swinging out the back door.
Normally watching the horses in the pasture calmed him in a way that only prayer could beat, but the sight of the beasts didn’t give him the serenity they usually afforded him, and he wasn’t sure he could pray about this matter. Not yet, anyway.
He started toward the stables. Might as well muck the stalls. He didn’t have anything better to do than wonder why Caroline had thought it okay to deceive him.
Anger bubbled inside him as he rolled up his shirt sleeves and got down to work. His elders would tell him that the Amish way is to forgive, but how could he? He slid the shovel under a messy pile and dumped it into the wheelbarrow. She had plenty of opportunities to tell him about Emma’s father, plenty of times when they were alone. He was a fool.
He scooped up another load of soiled hay. She could have said the truth on countless occasions, yet she had decided to keep it to herself.
Another scoop went into the wheelbarrow. That could only mean one thing, that she didn’t trust him with the knowledge of the truth. The thought hurt him more than he could imagine.
Or maybe she didn’t tell him because she was still in love with this Englischer.
He stopped, resting his arm on the shovel’s wooden handle. His breath wheezed in and out of his lungs from the exertion and the thoughts whirling around in his head.
Caroline was still in love with another.
That explained it all.
Onkle was right. She was a gut maedel, but even gut girls made mistakes. Love. Why else would Caroline go against everything she had been taught? She had told him how conservative her district was. With a gut Amish woman like Caroline, only one thing would make her break her vows to family and church.
He stoked his anger, surely a move that would have his sister Lizzie protesting. But how else was he supposed to survive heartbreak on top of heartbreak?
If he stayed mad, maybe he’d be able to survive.
Dear Esther,
It seems so strange to be writing you from Tennessee. I hope this letter finds you well. The air here is strained, but I guess that is to be expected. They are saying Grossdaadi won’t be with us much longer. I know this will make my mamm and dat sad, but they understand that he is no longer to be a part of this world. We go to visit him nearly every day, but he doesn’t know that we are there. It’s so bedauerlich. I wish that I had gotten to spend more time with him while he was not so grank.
Since he is in the hospital in Lawrenceburg, I have taken to staying in his haus. It is better that way. My vatter is still a bit reluctant to fully forgive, and he is dealing with all the problems with his father’s medical bills and expenses. Having me and Emma underfoot is a stress that he doesn’t need.
Mamm comes by every day and begs for us to move back into the main house, but I change the subject to avoid answering. Then I pray that the Lord forgives me. I do not want to hurt my parents any more than I already have, but every time she leaves I see heartbreak in her eyes. I’m so torn as to what I should do.
I have been unable to find Trey. I don’t understand how someone can come looking for a body and then disappear. But he has. His family no longer lives in the house they owned before, and the people living there now do not know where they moved. My only hope is to go into Nashville and see if I can find him. Perhaps in the Englisch phone book. I hear they have everyone listed by name and address. If I can’t find him this way, then I suppose I’ll have to wait to see if he comes around again.
Emma sends her love. We miss you and Moxie too and pray every day that you are both doing well.
Please write when you can.
Love,
Caroline
Chapter Nineteen
“Where do I find an Englisch phone book?” Caroline asked Don Harper the driver as he navigated the busy Nashville streets. It was beyond Caroline how anyone could live in such a large place and keep their head about themselves.
Don Harper shrugged. “What do you need one for?”
“I don’t really know where I’m going.” She picked at a place on her skirt, then swung her attention back to him. “I mean, I know where I want to go.”
“Nashville.”
“But I don’t know where to look for him. I’ve heard that everyone is listed in an Englisch phone book. I suppose that’s where I’ll find him.” She had explained everything to Don Harper. Well, as much as she dared. She had simply told him that she needed to find someone and asked if he would be willing to hire on to take her into Nashville.
“Not everyone,” Don said. “If they only have a cell phone and no landline, then they won’t be listed in the phone book.”
“Oh.” Caroline’s hopes deflated like a leaky balloon. Her only hope now was to go to the apartment where Trey used to stay and see if by any chance he still lived there. “Can we check where he used to live?”
“I’m here for you. We can go wherever you want.”
She remembered how to get to the apartments where Trey had lived while going to school. If her memory was correct, he should have graduated the year Emma was born. But she knew he had plans to attend law school after that. What were the chances that he still lived in the same place after two years?
She knocked on the door to apartment 6A to no answer. She could leave a note and tell him that she had been by, but she didn’t even know for sure he still lived there. And she certainly didn’t have a phone number where he could reach her.
Dejected, she trudged back to the car where Don and Emma waited.
“No answer?” he asked as she got back in his sedan.
She shook her head. She was trying to do the right thing. So why was it so hard? She bowed her head.
Dear Lord, I am doing my best to right past wrongs. Please help me in my search, guide me so that I might find Trey, and show me the way that I can do what is right for all involved. Aemen.
She could feel Don’s gaze on her as she raised her head.
He backed the car out of the space and pulled onto the street. “If you will,” he started, “I have an idea.”
She gave her nod of confirmation.
A couple of blocks later he pulled into a corner coffee shop.
A wave of memories washed over her. How many times had she sat there with Trey drinking lattes and talking, just being together? This small shop had been their rendezvous destination. As much as she didn’t want to set foot in the place again, she wanted to go in and visit twice that.
Don put the car in park and got out, coming around to open her door before opening Emma’s as well.
“I’ve got my laptop in the trunk. We’ll go in and have a cup of coffee and tap into their Wi-Fi. Maybe we can find out something about your Trey online.”
Caroline unstrapped Emma from the car seat in the back.
But something must have shown on her face. Don Harper shut the lid to his trunk and asked with a concerned frown, “Is there something wrong?”
Caroline shook her head, simultaneously asking for forgiveness for the lie.
“Don’t give up hope,” he said, steering her toward the shop entrance.
Caroline stopped. “It’s not that. We used to come here together.”
“Really?” He re
ached around her and opened the door. “I think that’s good luck, then.”
“Jah,” she said. “I’m just being gegisch. Silly.”
Don Harper smiled and his blue eyes twinkled. “I know what it means.”
“From driving the Amish?”
“From being ex-Amish myself.”
Caroline was surprised. “You’re Plain, but—is that why you agreed to help me?”
“Jah,” he said. “That and the fact that you looked like you could use some help.”
It had never been easy for her to accept assistance from others. But leaning on friends and depending on them was one of the lessons that Andrew had taught her.
Andrew.
How she missed him. How she wondered if she would ever see him again.
Don Harper ordered them each a coffee and a chocolate milk for Emma while Caroline found them a table and sat the boppli in a high chair.
She had to find Trey. She just had to.
What if his parents lied to her, what if he knew nothing about Emma or that Caroline had come looking for him that rainy night two years ago?
Trey deserved to know he had a daughter. What would happen after that was anybody’s guess. But the potential outcomes were enough to tie her stomach in knots.
“Let’s see here.” Don took a silver-framed pair of reading glasses from the front pocket of his shirt and opened his computer case. In a few short minutes he had the computer up and running, humming with all the answers to finding Trey. She hoped.
“What’s his name?” Don asked as he tapped several keys, then checked the screen again.
Caroline sat across the table from him, staring at the brand name of the computer and wondering what was happening on the other side. Not that she knew a thing about such matters. “Theodore Marston Rycroft the Third. But they call him Trey.”
Don eyed her over the top of the glasses. “Any kin to Senator Rycroft?”
Caroline shrugged as Don typed in the name. “I didn’t spend much time with his family. But I seem to remember Trey saying that his father had a nickname as well.”
“Like Duke?”
Recognition sparked. “Jah, like Duke.”
Don turned the screen around to face her, and Caroline gasped as she saw the face of the man who had sent her away. “He’s in the government?”
“Newly elected last year.”
“And their house?”
“Who’s to say? Sometimes politicians keep their local houses, sometimes they move to Washington, DC. Since their son is older and in college, they might have made the move complete.”
Caroline bit her lip and tried to contain her whirling thoughts. “Do you think Trey moved with them?”
“I don’t know. Let me put in his name and see if I can come up with anything.”
“Danki”.
“Gern gschehne,” he replied with a smile. He turned his concentration back to the computer screen.
Don tapped a few more keys and waited as the computer did its job.
The waiting, that was the hardest part for Caroline. She had been holding her breath for years waiting on something she hadn’t realized. Now she knew. She had been waiting on Trey to find her, Trey to change his mind, Trey to know that they had a daughter. And now that the waiting was soon to be over, Caroline was anxious, nervous, and antsy at the delay that was left.
“Caroline?”
The voice that sounded behind her was as familiar as her own even though it had been almost two years since she had heard it.
Slowly she turned and looked into those familiar gray eyes, eyes that she had seen nowhere else but in the face of the daughter they created so long ago.
A wave of heat washed over her. After all this time the wait was over. “Trey.”
Andrew pushed the broom around the workroom floor with more force than necessary. In fact, everything he had done in the last week had been accomplished with unnecessary effort. But everything seemed to take longer, more energy, and was harder than it had been before.
He guessed that was the reason the bishop preached a lot on letting go of one’s anger. His anger with Caroline ate at his energy and kept his mind on constant edge. He hadn’t slept more than two hours at a time even with all the extra physical work he’d put in. The stalls in the stables had never been cleaner. The workroom was practically sawdust free. All of the furniture in the showroom gleamed with a fresh coat of polish.
“Andrew.” His uncle’s voice gave him pause.
Andrew rested the broom at his side and turned to face him.
“I need you to go down and ask Esther if she still wants the dresser that matches the bed she bought.”
The bed she bought Caroline.
“Why don’t you go down there?” He hated the surly note in his voice, but once the words were out there he couldn’t take them back. “I mean, you two are something of an item these days.”
Abe seemed not to notice his tone or had grown so used to it over the last few days that he no longer noticed it. “I am not so smitten that I cannot wait until tonight to see her again.”
Smitten. The exact same word he had used to describe his uncle’s feelings to Caroline just a few short weeks ago.
Why did everything around him remind him of Caroline?
“Let me sweep this up.”
But his onkle shook his head. “I’ll finish the floor. You just get down to the bakery.”
Andrew handed over the broom and dusted his hands. What was the use in arguing?
With barely a glance at his uncle, he left the shop and made his way toward Esther’s.
The sun shone brightly on the beautiful day. The weather mocked his anger and his sadness, tried to coax him out of himself, but Andrew would have none of it. He had to remain angry lest he fall completely apart.
The bell over the door jangled as he made his way inside.
Esther turned, her eyes lighting up when she saw him. Not from surprise, though. His onkle must have called to tell her he was on his way. If that was the case, why didn’t Abe call and ask her himself?
“Abe sent me down to check on the dresser. Are you still interested in it?”
“Jah,” she said. “Come sit down and let’s talk about it.”
What was there to talk about? She either wanted it or she didn’t. But he bit his tongue and kept his hateful words to himself. If he kept going in this direction he’d be a surly old man before this time next year.
Andrew slid into the booth she indicated while Esther poured them each a cup of coffee.
“Would you like a cupcake or a cookie?”
“Do you have any of those cowboy cookies?” He could have kicked himself in the pants for bringing up the cookies. But it seemed as if his heart was in tune with all things Caroline even if his brain didn’t want to admit it.
“Jah,” she said, plucking a couple from the case and setting them on a small paper plate. “Course’n I made these.”
Of course.
Esther placed the cookies and coffee onto a tray and carried them over to where he waited.
She deposited the food on the table and slid into the seat opposite him. “I was wondering if you had heard anything from Caroline.”
He should have smelled this set up a mile away.“Nay.”
“But you talked to your uncle, jah?”
He gave a small nod. He couldn’t meet Esther’s dark blue gaze. He had hardened his heart against all things Caroline. It would see him through into the coming years. He didn’t know what that might be, but he was certain it would be without Caroline.
“Have you . . . have you thought about going to see her?”
His gaze jerked to hers. “Why would I think about something like that?”
“Andrew Fitch,” Esther exclaimed. “I wouldn’t have thought you would let such a small problem sway you so.”
He sat back in his seat and eyed her steadily. Anger and hurt boiled inside him, each threatening to take over. “I would not call this a small
problem.”
“As I see it, it’s only as big as you let it be.”
“And what about Caroline?”
“That girl loves you, Andrew, and I believe that you love her as well.”
“And Emma?”
“Of course you love Emma.”
He shook his head again. “A child deserves her father.”
“A child deserves to be raised by parents who care for one another, who love their children, provide for them, and serve God.”
“Caroline can have all that and more in Tennessee. Plus her family close.” Family was so very important. He had been thinking about going back home. Wells Landing now held as many bad memories as Missouri.
Sad, he amended. The memories weren’t bad, only sad.
Esther reached out and touched his hand where it lay on the table.
He pushed the thoughts aside and met her concerned gaze once again.
“Caroline never meant to hurt you.”
“I know,” he replied.
“Promise me,” she said. “Promise me you’ll pray about it.”
How he wanted to tell her no. Praying was one step down from hope, and that was something he couldn’t afford right then. But to tell her he wouldn’t even lay the problem at God’s feet was cowardice at its best.“Jah,” he finally said. “I promise.”
Esther smiled. “Gut. I can’t ask for more than that.”
Caroline started to tremble.
“Oh my God, it is you. Sorry.” He made the same face he’d always made when he thought he had done something to offend her sensibilities. They had never been on the same step spiritually.
He pulled her out of her seat and into his arms. His embrace was warm and sweet and felt like home.
“You’re shaking.” He pulled away from her and ran his hands down her arms as if it had only been hours, not years, since they had seen each other last. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again after the way you just disappeared.”
Caroline shook her head. “I did nothing of the sort.” Then she stopped. Now was not the time to argue. “I have someone you need to meet.”
A confused frown puckered his brow as Trey turned his attention to Don Harper. He held out his hand to shake. “Trey Rycroft,” he said.