Caroline's Secret

by Lillard, Amy

  I am writing to let you know that I care for you deeply, but I understand the choices that have to be made. Choices that have the best interests of everyone in mind. Especially wee Emma.

  I wish you nothing but the best, Caroline, in all things. May God be with you the rest of your days.

  Always,

  Andrew

  Chapter Twenty

  Caroline stood at the dented mailbox and read Andrew’s letter, her heart dropping with each word. She blinked away the tears as she folded the letter and placed it back into the envelope. There was no time left for crying. Oh, the mistakes she had made.

  She glanced back toward the house where Emma was napping peacefully in her bed, then in the direction of the barn where her father was working. He had yet to speak her name, to say even the smallest word to her. She had been there nearly three weeks.

  If anyone was going to change the relationship, it had to be her. The time had come to make amends.

  With a heavy sigh, she tucked the letter into the waistband of her apron and started for the barn.

  The interior was cool, dark, and so familiar. She breathed in the scent of the air tinted with the smell of hay and horses, fresh earth and leather.

  “Dat?” she called, treading cautiously over the hay-strewn floor.

  No answer.

  She could hear him, though, or rather what he was doing. She could decipher the raspy sound of a horse brush against hide.

  She found him in the last stall brushing down Daisy, his favorite mare.

  He hardly looked up as she approached, just kept his head down and his hands on his task.

  “I was hoping that we might talk today.”

  He gave a grunt that was neither a yes or a no.

  “I know that you are disappointed in me. And I can’t say as I blame you.”

  There was a hitch in his brush stroke as she spoke, then he recovered and kept about his chore.

  “I never meant to hurt you or Mamm. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s true.”

  He brushed.

  “But if I had it to do over again, I can’t say that I would change anything. Because if I did, I wouldn’t have that little maedel in there, and I could never take that back.

  “The Lord forgives. I just hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me too.”

  She waited for him to stop brushing, to turn to her, say he could forgive her, ask if they could start over, but he didn’t. She sighed. Surely God would help his heart thaw where she was concerned.

  He kept on brushing Daisy as Caroline turned on her heel and made her way back to the house.

  Trey had said they would talk more today, though she didn’t see how. He had dropped her off last night, then driven away as if the devil himself was on his heels. They hadn’t made any plans on when and where. That lack of communication only fueled her surprise when she saw his shiny black car pull into the driveway shortly after middawk.

  She and Mamm had been baking bread. In her true fashion, she was wearing more flour than she had used in the recipe. Aside from her strubbly state, she simply wasn’t ready to talk to Trey again. After their meeting yesterday, the letter from Andrew, and her stalled run-in with her father this morning, she was feeling a bit bruised. She needed a little time to recover, get her mind back right.

  The hardest part of all was Andrew. He didn’t want her anymore. Oh, he said he knew that people made mistakes, but she could read what he didn’t say as clearly as the things he wrote outright. He was setting her free, sending her on her way. How could he love her now that he knew the truth?

  She supposed Abe or Emily, maybe even Lorie, had told Andrew the truth. It was bound to happen eventually. Though it hurt all the same.

  She pushed the thoughts away lest her tears start anew. She had cried enough in the last couple of weeks to last for the rest of the year.

  Instead, she wiped her hands on a dish towel and brushed the loose flour from her apron.

  “Who could that be?” her mother asked, looking out the window. Caroline followed her gaze just as Trey got out of the car. “Oh.” The sound was unreadable.

  “He said he wanted to talk more today.” Caroline hated the tremble in her voice, but it was there all the same.

  “Do you think that’s a gut idea?”

  “I don’t know.” But the thought of her father and Trey in the same room was not a peaceful one. “Mamm . . . can you watch Emma for me?”

  “Jah. When do you think you’ll be back?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe a couple of hours.”

  “Jah,” she said again. “That’d be gut.”

  Her mamm didn’t have to say the words. It was a bad idea to have Trey inside. Not now . . . maybe not ever.

  “I’ll be home as soon as I can,” she said and flew out the door lest her father come out of the barn to investigate.

  Stupid plan. Of course he would come see who pulled up in an Englischer car. Their house was too far off the beaten path for them to be included on the wagon tour, and hardly anyone drove by without a destination in mind.

  “Hi, Car—”

  “Hi, Trey. Let’s go.” She hopped into the car as Trey watched, his mouth hanging open.

  But then he caught sight of her vatter standing in the door of the barn, that deep frown marring what was the normally straight line of his forehead.

  Trey backed up a couple of steps, then turned and made his way quickly back to the car. He slid inside and started the engine. “I don’t think your father approves.”

  Caroline burst out laughing. Maybe it was the tension of the day, or finally finding Trey, or maybe laughing was better than crying after the letter she had gotten from Andrew. Whatever it was, she couldn’t stop the giggles as they spilled out.

  Trey let out a chuckle or two of his own as he backed the car from the drive and set it toward town.

  He allowed her to have her hysterics, then wipe the mixed tears of joy and sadness from her cheeks before he spoke. “We have a lot to discuss.”

  “Jah. Where are we going?”

  Trey gave a small shrug. “I thought we’d stop somewhere and get a cup of coffee.”

  Going into town with him was not the best idea, even in Lawrenceburg. It would surely get back to the church elders. That was all she needed, the bishop beating on the door demanding explanations she couldn’t give. “Do you mind if we stay in the car?”

  He shot her a small frown.

  “It’s just better if we aren’t seen together.”

  His frown deepened. “That’s something we need to talk about as well.”

  But he didn’t protest further. He wound around the drive-through at the coffee shop and picked them up a couple of lattes. It warmed her a little inside that he remembered how she preferred her coffee and that she liked banana nut bread better than blueberry muffins.

  Then he drove out of town to the state park where the chances of them running into someone either of them knew would be slim to none.

  He found a shaded place to park and pulled to the side. He turned toward her, and the interior of the car seemed to shrink by half.

  Being this close to him when they were all alone was unnerving. “It’s a beautiful day. Can we sit outside?” She fumbled with the door handle as she spoke. Why was she suddenly so uncomfortable?

  “Sure,” he said, but she was already out of the car. She wrapped her arms around herself despite the day’s rising temperatures.

  Trey went around to the back of his car and opened the trunk to remove two collapsible chairs. He brought one over to her with a small lift of his shoulders. “The university has a lot of outdoor concerts in the park.”

  She nodded, though she had no idea what he was talking about.

  Trey sat down beside her, looking off into the distance at the trees below. They had climbed a small hill as they drove and now sat at the edge of a small ledge overlooking the forest below. It was a wondrous sight, though completely wasted on her today. Sh
e had too many pressing issues on her mind to truly appreciate the beauty that God had made.

  “I guess we have a lot of decisions to make.”

  “Decisions?”

  Trey took a drink of his coffee. “We have a child together.”

  “Jah.”

  “My fath—what I mean to say is, this is something I can’t just sweep under the rug.”

  She didn’t understand him at all, but pulled her expression into one of openness and prepared to hear him out.

  “I think we should get married,” he continued.

  “What?” Caroline jumped to her feet, flinging her coffee to the ground in the process.

  “We should get married.”

  She stood over him, staring down and biting her lip. Married?

  “Sit down, Caroline.” He wrapped one hand around her elbow and tugged.

  She allowed him to pull her back into her seat. It wasn’t hard. Her legs felt like they were made of her grossmammi’s jelly. “That’s a big step,” she finally wheezed. How many times had she wanted to hear him say that in those early months when she lay awake at night and worried about the child she carried? But like the gut people of Wells Landing, she had buried Trey and those dreams together. To have them resurface now . . .

  “It is a big step, but a necessary one. We have a child together.”

  “I know this, Trey. I’ve been living it for the past two years while you were out at concerts in the park.” She sprang to her feet and wrapped her arms around herself once again.

  “Don’t get mad at me. I had no idea.”

  He was right. Caroline’s anger deflated in an instant. “I’m sorry,” she said and returned to her seat. “It’s just . . .”

  “Hard. I know.” Trey took her hand into his own, rubbing each finger the way he used to. “But we have to do what’s right.”

  They may not have always had the same measure of spiritual conscience, but that didn’t mean he didn’t believe in God or doing the right thing.

  But marriage?

  “That’s a big step. I’ll have to think about it.”

  His eyes grew stormy. “What’s there to think about?”

  She tugged her hand from his grasp. “A lot. If I marry you, I’ll be shunned.”

  “And they don’t treat you differently already?”

  “That’s not the point,” she said, staring down at her hands, her nervous fingers making pleats in the fabric of her apron. She had missed a smudge of flour on the side on her leg. She brushed it off and sighed. “I won’t be able to sit with my family. I won’t be able to take food from my mamm’s hand. And my father . . .” The lump in her throat blocked the rest of what she was about to say.

  “I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, but it will be worth it.”

  “Can I think about it?”

  Trey’s mouth pulled down at the corners, but he didn’t deny her. “Fine.”

  “For now I think you should take me home.”

  Even as she said the words she thought about Oklahoma, about Esther and the bakery that had been her home for the last two years. About Andrew and cowboy cookies. Her eyes filled with hot tears, but she dashed them away with the backs of her fingers. She got back into the car as Trey stowed away the chairs.

  Marriage to Trey. Was it a step worth taking?

  A sign. That was all that he wanted. A sign from God that he was doing the right thing in letting Caroline go. Just why did it have to hurt so bad?

  Everywhere he turned he saw her face. Or Emma. He had finally stopped fighting the memories and spent his days eating lunch in the park. But he couldn’t keep this up forever.

  Maybe it was time to go back to Missouri.

  “Andrew?” He glanced up from his sandwich as Emily Ebersol approached. “Can we sit down?”

  He hadn’t noticed Lorie Kauffman standing behind her at first. He gave them both a nod and continued to eat as they sat across from him and got out their own food.

  “Have you heard from Caroline?” Emily asked the question, but Lorie was the one looking expectant.

  “I wrote her, but she hasn’t responded.”

  “I wonder when she’s planning on coming home,” Emily said, to no one in particular.

  Andrew sat his sandwich down on the brown paper sack he had been using as a plate. His appetite had vanished. “I don’t suspect that she will.”

  “Why ever not?” Lorie asked.

  Andrew didn’t know how much Caroline had told her freinden before she left so he shrugged. “I just get the feeling she won’t is all.”

  “You did write her and tell her that you wanted her to come back,” Emily said.

  He said nothing. What was there to say?

  “Andrew?”

  He looked up and met Lorie’s deep brown eyes. “Jah?”

  “Did you tell her that you wanted her to come back?” Lorie asked.

  He shook his head. “Nay.” The word was barely more than a whisper.

  “Why not?” Emily put in.

  “You do want her to come back, don’t you?”

  “Of course.” But did he? His emotions seemed all jumbled up, twisted and knotted like his mother’s yarn the time his sister Lizzie’s kitten had started playing in the basket.

  “Did you tell her that in her letter?” Emily asked.

  “Nay,” he whispered into the wind.

  “Why not?” both girls exclaimed at the same time.

  Because he was waiting, waiting on a sign from God. Nursing his pride. Wondering how he had let his heart get broken again.

  “Andrew?”

  He looked up into Emily’s questioning blue eyes. “What do you want from me?”

  Emily glanced away, exchanging a look with Lorie before she turned back.

  Yet it was Lorie who spoke. “Caroline may be about to make the biggest mistake of her life.”

  His heart gave a hard thump, but he stilled his breathing and calmed himself. “How so?”

  “Do you know?” Emily asked. “Do you know about Emma’s dat?”

  “Jah,” Andrew said.

  “If she stays in Tennessee and stays with him, then she will be shunned.”

  He hadn’t thought of that.

  “Even if she doesn’t leave the church to marry him, how do you think the Swartzentruber will handle her having a baby and no husband?”

  He shook his head. “They are very conservative.” And would shun her for sure. “But her family is there, her mudder and vatter.”

  “What about little Emma? How do you think they will treat her?” Lorie asked.

  Andrew’s heart gave a lurch.

  “It’s the best way, Andrew,” Emily added. “No one here knows her secret.”

  “You know, and I know.” And his onkle and Esther. But none of those people were willing to hold the mistake against Caroline.

  “Jah, but we all love Caroline.”

  “And Emma,” Lorie added. “I don’t care what Caroline did in her past. I only care about now. She’s been a gut freinden to me these past couple of years. I don’t want to see her shunned.”

  “We all make mistakes,” Emily said quietly.

  “You love her, don’t you?” Lorie asked.

  He opened his mouth to reply, but Emily interjected, “Don’t you lie, Andrew Fitch. I’ve seen the way you look at her when you think no one’s looking.”

  “And everyone has heard about the kiss on Main Street.” A tinge of pink stained Lorie’s cheeks.

  “Jah,” he said. “I love her.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?” Lorie asked.

  “A sign.” That was all he needed, something to tell him that he should go after her and do everything in his power to bring her back to Wells Landing.

  “Andrew Fitch, I thought you were smarter than that,” Emily exclaimed. “Go after her.”

  He couldn’t stop his frown of confusion.

  Lorie reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a red, white, and blue envelope. “Co
nsider this your sign,” she said, pushing it across the table to him.

  Inside was a round-trip ticket to Tennessee. He looked back to the two women across the table from him.

  “We all pitched in,” Emily said.

  Lorie tossed him a smile. “Even Jonah.”

  “Now go get her back.”

  Dear Esther,

  I must admit that I am more confused now than I have ever been. I hear you daily whispering in my ear to pray about it, but right now I don’t feel like God is listening. Or maybe He is. Maybe He is telling me what to do but I can’t hear the words over the others around me.

  Trey asked me to marry him last night. How I would have loved for him to have asked me that two years ago. I would have married him in an instant. So why do things seem so different now?

  Last night I lay awake in bed, wondering and praying, hoping God would give me the answer. But all I could hear was my own jumbled thoughts.

  I need to do what’s best for Emma, and having her father in her life is certainly the best. Yet all I can think about is how she will be growing up. Of course Trey doesn’t want to join the Amish. And his is a political family. They care so much about what the world thinks of them that I don’t believe he’d be happy on a small farm. That only leaves us one choice.

  It saddens my heart beyond belief to think that I will be shunned. I have missed my mother so much these past couple of years. To know now that she won’t be able to write me letters or eat with me makes my heart and stomach hurt. It seems that I have made so many bad choices in my life. Why is making the best one hurting so much?

  I must close for now. Trey will come by tomorrow. I’m very nervous about it. He will be meeting my family for the first time. I’m not sure how my father will act, but I can only pray for understanding and hope God is listening.