No Regrets: A Novel of Love and Lies in World War II England (The Thornton Trilogy Book 1)

by Payne, Mary Christian

  “All right, Giselle. Perhaps that’s the best thing for now. I’m going to take Chloe to the park for a bit. Do have a lie-down, and try to rest. You may still be surprised at the outcome.”

  An entire day and night went by, and there was no word from Ted. Giselle couldn’t stand the silence anymore, and she rang the Inn where he was staying. She wanted to confirm whether or not he was still there, or if he’d returned to RAF Ashford. As she’d expected, he was no longer registered. He’d checked out that morning. Giselle lay back down on the bed and sobbed until she thought she would die. So, she’d been right. He’d probably write a letter. It would be easier for him that way. She already knew what it would say. Giselle walked to her dressing table, picked up the ring box, and threw it across the room. She would have to give it back to him, but would ask Elise to do it. She wasn’t about to trek to the post office with swollen eyes, so everyone could see her heartbreak.

  Finally, she bathed and dressed. She decided to take a long walk. She had a need for fresh air and thought it might help to clear her mind. Giselle ambled toward the High Street. It was chilly outside, so she’d worn a coat and a snug scarf. She’d left the cottage without even saying goodbye to Elise. It was Sunday, and she hadn’t attended church. She was so downhearted, that she didn’t even feel guilt about that. She walked over the cobblestoned streets and dusty lanes of Thornton-on-Sea, thinking about how much she loved Ted. Men like him didn’t pop up every day. Giselle had never met anyone like him. She wished with all of her heart that she’d continued to lie. He never would have known. All of her dreams of a new life in America would have become reality. She had certainly learned the value of truth. There was none – absolutely none. After more than two hours of walking, she found herself back at the old pier, where she and Ted had said their last goodbyes. She hadn’t meant to end up there, but that’s where Giselle’s heart led her. Once again, she began to weep. Sitting in the same spot where she and Ted had so recently been, Giselle fell apart. The pain was unbearable. If this was what love did to a person, she never wanted any part of it again.

  She heard footsteps. Glancing around to see who it was, Giselle could scarcely believe her eyes. It was Ted. What in the world was he doing here? What did he want? Did she even care what he had to say? Giselle wasn’t certain she could listen to his words. Ted slowly walked toward her and, without saying anything, he sat down in the same spot he’d been before. She raised her head and looked at him cautiously. At last, she spoke.

  “If you’ve come to tell me everything is over, don’t bother. I expected that. I told you before, I don’t blame you. I don’t want to go over everything again. I was stupid. I made terrible mistakes. I’m paying for them now. I’ll pay for the rest of my life. Please, just leave me. I’m sorry for everything.”

  “Giselle, that isn’t why I’ve come. I told you I needed time to think. That’s all I’ve done since I last saw you. I want you to listen carefully to what I have to say. I probably should have contacted you sooner, but you have to admit that what you told me was a bit overwhelming. I’ve thought everything through carefully. You know how I am. I think deeply about important matters. Nothing in my life has ever been more important than this. Will you listen?”

  “Yes, of course,” she sighed.

  “Giselle, at first I thought there was no way I could accept what you’d told me. It appalled me. But, then I began to think about myself – about society in general – about men in general. You know, from the time boys aren’t even men, a lot of them have ‘sown their wild oats’, as is commonly said. In fact, it’s expected. Men are supposed to be experienced when they marry. At university, it’s a wonderful joke. If a fellow is innocent, and not yet initiated into love-making, all of his friends set to work trying to remedy that. You told me yourself that a large number of your clients in Paris were young men doing the Grand Tour. As the English say, it’s the ‘done thing’.”

  “Society doesn’t address that sort of behavior. No woman would ever think of asking her fiancé if he’d had experience before marriage. Nor would she be upset if he had. After all, men are supposed to know how to perform on the wedding night. But god help a woman who has experience. That’s an entirely different thing. Yet for centuries that’s the way it’s been. To tell the truth, Giselle, I would bet I’ve had more experience than you’ve ever thought about. I’m being honest. So, I think that would justify you being repulsed by me. Additionally, I’ve never been in a position where I needed to engage in that sort of behavior because I needed money, or because no one taught me properly. I have no excuse, except that it was expected of me. At least there were reasons behind your actions. So, I’m asking you to forgive me. I’ve learned from this incident. If I ever have a son, I’ll teach him right from wrong. If he wants to behave as his father did, then he needs to accept that the woman he chooses to marry has the same rights. I see us as equals – perhaps I’m even more wicked than you, from a ‘sin’ standpoint. I never want us to speak of this again. I want you to put my ring on your finger, and wear it until the end of this war. Then we’ll decide whether we want to marry here, or in America. I’ll leave that to you. I love you, Giselle, and I’ve been wrong. Tell me you’ll marry me and that you still love me.”

  Giselle was dumbfounded. Never. Never in a thousand years had she expected such clear, sensible, fair thinking. The idea of men versus women, in terms of intimate experience, hadn’t crossed her mind. But it did make sense. She sat on the pier, stunned beyond words. Finally she gathered herself together.

  “Ted, I love you so much. You’re the kindest, most understanding, man I’ve ever known. There aren’t ten men in the world who’d see this from your perspective. I’m so fortunate. But – and please, listen to what I have to say. I’ve been thinking too, during our time apart. I had no idea you’d be this understanding. I was prepared to lose you. In the midst of thinking about that, I came to realize that it would probably be for the best. Not because the idea of losing you doesn’t break my heart. It does. But, in the long run, I suspect we’d be unhappy together. When I think beyond the present dilemma, and look into the future, I can see that it wouldn’t work. You come from a wealthy background. You’ve attended the finest schools and have everything in the world to offer me. I, on the other hand, have nothing to offer you.”

  “That’s not true, Giselle. You have love to offer me.”

  “Perhaps, Ted. But, you see, I don’t feel like that’s enough. A hundred other women could offer you love. I think I’d always feel as though you were doing all of the giving, and I was doing all of the taking. We aren’t equals. I know, I know. You just said a minute ago that we are equals. And, yes, on the subject of experience with the opposite sex, perhaps you’re correct. I’m talking about broader issues. I don’t think I’d ever feel worthy of you. My self-esteem has always been good, in spite of the bad choices I’ve made. I’m afraid I’ll lose my self-confidence. You see, I simply can’t believe you really need me. How could you? In the end, we’d tear each other apart, Ted. Go back to America, and find a girl who shares your background. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever said or done. But, I know I’m right.”

  “Giselle, you can’t be serious. You can’t be. How can you say you love me and, in the same breath, want to end everything?”

  “It isn’t that I want to end everything. I’ll probably kick myself a thousand times for what I’m doing. But, a voice inside of me says that it’s the wisest thing to do. I’d end up being unhappy, because I’d feel unfit. It would eat away at me. I should have realized that before now.”

  “Will you please think about it? Don’t make such an impulsive decision, without serious thought. I won’t harangue you. I’ll give you time. The war isn’t over, and I’ll be here for quite a while yet. Take some time to be alone. We won’t see each other. But, don’t say it’s all over. Not yet.”

  Giselle sighed. “All right, Ted. I’ll do as you ask. But, I don’t think I’ll change my mind. I hope time apart
doesn’t make me so lonely for you that I will change my mind, and decide to marry you, when, in my heart, I know it would be a mistake. Love doesn’t really conquer all, Ted.”

  “I believe it can and will. But, as I said, I won’t press you. I won’t even write to you. Go ahead. See other men. Do whatever you want. Just remember, I’m still going to be in England, and, before I leave, we’ll see each other again.”

  Tears were streaming down her face. “Thank you, Ted. Thank you for understanding. I truly believe that someday you’ll realize I was right.”

  “I don’t agree. I’ll never agree. We’ll wait to see who’s right and who’s wrong.

  He stood, and put his hand out. She grabbed hold of it, and together they walked back to the shoreline. “Thank you for telling me the truth about your past. You wouldn’t have needed to, you know. No one would ever have known, he said.

  “I would have known, Ted.”

  ***

  Sloan continued operations from India, Egypt, and Burma. He longed for the green fields of home and wondered if he’d ever see England again. The Allies suffered some setbacks, but overall there was optimism that the fight would finally be won. He continued corresponding with Anne and, in one letter, asked openly if she’d told her family of their broken engagement. He’d never asked that question before.

  Anne wrote back with news that sent him over-the-moon. She said she’d not told anyone of their broken engagement, other than a friend. Then she went on to tell him about a French girl named Elise, who had been living at Thornton-on-Sea for nearly two years. She explained that Elise’s friend, Giselle Dupris, worked as a lady’s maid for his mother at Highcroft Hall. Apparently, through Giselle, Anne had become well acquainted with Elise. She’d learned that Elise was the farm girl whose home he’d visited in May, 1940. Sloan couldn’t believe it when Anne wrote that she’d told Elise about her lifetime friendship with Sloan, as well as their engagement and its subsequent ending. As to whether Elise seemed at all attracted to him, she couldn’t tell. Another bit of shocking news was that Elise was a widow and had a child, born in England in 1941. There was no mention in Anne’s letter of the talk she and Elise had shared, when Anne had learned the truth about so much of Elise’s background. Anne was holding that information close to the vest, for use in her campaign to destroy Sloan’s fascination with the French girl.

  Sloan was perplexed. Elise had made no mention of a husband, or fiancé, when they’d met. In fact, the only person she’d mentioned was her brother, Josef. He thought back and couldn’t figure how she might have married, become pregnant, escaped from Dunkirk and delivered a baby, all in such short order. Unless she was already married and pregnant at the time they met, it didn’t add up. Perhaps she had been married and even pregnant. There was no reason she’d have told him everything about herself. She probably didn’t trust him, and why should she have? It didn’t lower his estimation of her. In fact his admiration grew, as he thought about the courage it must have taken for a pregnant girl to take a chance on fleeing France. It was truly miraculous that she was now in Thornton-on-Sea, and that her friend worked for his parents. Anne also said that she took French lessons from Elise and that Elise didn’t like to talk about her past. All of this information only served to make Sloan believe that his first inclination had been spot-on. God had placed her in a location where they were bound to see one another again! He was somewhat surprised that Anne had been so open about everything. He supposed she’d felt it necessary, because sooner or later, God willing, he’d come home and learn the truth. He was pleased that Anne had met Elise. It was wonderful that they liked each other. It made him all the more anxious to get back to Thornton-on-Sea. He answered Anne’s letter, thanking her for telling him everything. He said he didn’t care whether she hadn’t told his, or her, parents about the engagement having ended. He understood why it was his responsibility. Sloan also promised never to speak to Elise about her past.

  Anne was relieved when she received his response. Everything was moving according to plan. While it looked, on the surface, like she was heartily in favor of Sloan’s happiness with Elise, and was even acting as a go-between to further the romance, that wasn’t at all the case. She didn’t care if Sloan and Elise both hated her when the truth was revealed. Sloan deserved to be hurt, and while she felt less animosity toward Elise, the girl was a liar.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  1943 - 1945

  Giselle missed Ted terribly. She told Elise what had happened, and it was apparent that her friend wasn’t wholly in agreement with what Giselle had done. However, it was Giselle’s decision, and Elise didn’t intervene. It had taken tremendous bravery for Giselle to do what she had, and all Elise could do was be supportive. In her heart, she couldn’t imagine that the romance was truly over.

  Then, in June, 1943, Major Ted Cabot was transferred to Ridgewell, in northwest Essex, to join the 381st Bomb group with its B-17 Flying Fortresses. The outfit, newly arrived from the United States, was particularly noted for its ability to fly formations. His first target mission was an airfield at Antwerp, Belgium. The contingent was composed of twenty-one aircraft. Two Fortresses were lost, and two returned to the base severely damaged with casualties aboard. Ted returned safely.

  Giselle was very disturbed when Ted left Ashford. She knew nothing about his whereabouts – simply that he’d been reassigned to a new airbase. She only had that information because Anne’s father had relayed the news. Had she known the size and scope of the missions he was flying, she would have been beyond disturbed. He no longer wrote letters, nor did Giselle. She knew that he was still alive, because of Ted’s communication with Lord Whitfield, but that was all. She knelt each morning, in the village church, praying for his safe return.

  On August 21, Ted was in the cockpit of a plane that flew on an important mission, targeting the great ball-bearing factories at Schweinfurt. They fought their way to the target, through swarming enemy fighters and thick flak, to hit the objective and then fought their way out again. Of the twenty-two aircraft contingent, there were eleven aeroplanes and ten crews lost. Ted’s craft returned safely to base after a successful ditching in the Channel. The 381st accounted for twenty-two of the German fighters shot down that day. They returned to Schweinfurt on October 14. That time, while Eighth Air Force losses were at least as large as they were on August 17, the 381st lost only one Fortress. Ted was awarded the Military Cross for his action. Giselle read and heard snippets about the flying Fortress, but had no idea that Ted was connected to them.

  So, life went on, as rationing became more stringent, and Englanders grew war weary. Little Chloe de Baier grew sturdy and strong. Both Elise and Giselle doted on her something fierce. She called Giselle “Aunt Gissy”, pronounced ‘Jissy’. Giselle’s fondest hope was for Elise to fall in love with a fine man, someone who’d become a true father to Chloe. That was Elise’s hope too. However, she still maintained her distrust of men and made no effort to meet any of the vast number of soldiers who roamed the streets of Thornton-on-Sea on weekends. She was content with the life she led, loved the sweet cottage that had become home, and only wished the war would end, so life could finally be peaceful and free from worry. She seldom thought about Sloan Thornton’s return to Highcroft Hall.

  Anne had a way, though, of reminding her that Sloan would someday return. She got little reaction from Elise when she did so. Although Anne seemed eager to see Elise fall in love with Sloan, nothing could have been further from the truth. Anne was a wise, sly young lady. However, she hadn’t reckoned on the fact that Elise would be stubborn about a romance with Sloan. Not because Elise was obstinate by nature, but because, in her heart, she had a difficult time believing that Anne, who supposedly loved Sloan with all of her heart, was adamant that he forget his childhood sweetheart forever, and establish a relationship with Elise. Supposedly Anne loved him enough to let him go. She maintained that it was more important for him to be happy. While the notion was very noble, Elise thought it a
bit far-fetched. Never, at any time, had Anne said she didn’t still love Sloan. If she’d done so, Elise would have better understood how she could so calmly encourage him to marry someone else.

  Elise harboured the hope that a message from her brother would appear, but none did. She even considered placing a personal ad, in the event that it might be seen by Josef, but when she read through the columns, she was disheartened by the multitude of people who were searching for loved ones. Perhaps when peace came, they’d find each other, if Josef were still alive.

  At the beginning of 1944, there came a brutal series of Luftwaffe attacks on London and other English cities. Mosquito night flyers, equipped with radar, accounted for 129 of the 329 aircraft shot down during what was called the five month ‘Little Blitz.’ Greater London and southeast England were singled out for attacks, in retaliation of British saturation bombing of major German cities. Londoners accepted the resumption of the air raids stoically, but people were so very war weary. Three years of the sheer slog of wartime life, since the first Blitz, had inevitably taken a toll. During the ‘Little Blitz’ the noise was truly appalling. Most of it was caused by England’s own much more formidable defences. Even a quiet night brought little rest. Many thousands of men and women, after their day’s work, went home to do their bit as Air Raid Wardens and Firewatchers. Westminster was no more immune than other parts of London. On the night of February 20, 1944, Downing Street and Whitehall once again suffered bomb damage. All along the southeastern coastline, which included Thornton-on-Sea, citizens again spent a lot of time in Anderson shelters. The quaint village, where Elise and Giselle had found love and acceptance, escaped damage. But fear was evident on everybody’s faces, and though there was strong belief that the finale was drawing near, the never-ending wail of sirens and roar of aircraft gave pause.