No Regrets: A Novel of Love and Lies in World War II England (The Thornton Trilogy Book 1)

by Payne, Mary Christian

  “If I’m correct, you’re my mother’s new lady’s maid? Anne Whitfield wrote to say that you’d become friends.”

  “Yes, Milord. Anne, Elise, and I are friends. Elise is the lady I share a cottage with.”

  “I’m aware of that. I believe I’ve met her before.”

  “Yes, Milord. I believe you have,” she smiled.

  “I would imagine I’ll see you again,” he answered.

  Sloan moved on, speaking a word to everyone. Giselle couldn’t wait to tell Elise that he was home and that he was very handsome.

  The tea was brought into the drawing room. Sloan sat in a winged back chair by the sofa, while Mrs. Littleton poured him a generous cup. He still wore his uniform, having discovered he’d outgrown all of his clothing. Someone pulled the large bell at the entrance to Highcroft Hall. Then, Anne’s voice could be heard.

  “Has Major Thornton arrived?” Sloan heard her enquire of Richmond.

  “Ah - there she is Sloan,” said Lord Rowan. “I’m not surprised she came. She’s been checking with us daily. Sorry our private evening will have to be relinquished. Rush out to her, Son.”

  But Sloan only rose to his feet. His face turned quite ashen. He couldn’t help the fact that he wore a grave expression. Anne quickly entered the room.

  “I popped round to see if you’d arrived,” she said, somewhat nervously. Then, looking him up and down with her eyes, she said, “Well, Sloan.” She stopped talking and smiled. A blush highlighted her lovely cheek bones, and her long, dark lashes glistened with happiness. He thought for a moment that she was going to burst into tears. There was no question Anne was gorgeous, but his heart didn’t speed up like it had when he’d met Elise. Anne was still the beautiful, high-spirited girl he’d known as a youngster. Her vivaciousness and animation had always amused him.

  “Aren’t you going to kiss her, Sloan?” asked his father. “You needn’t be shy in front of your mother and me.”

  Sloan stepped forward. He took her hands in his, kissing the cheek she offered. He couldn’t force himself to act against his feelings, and knew Anne understood why. He’d essentially told her that it had all been a giant mistake. Now, he dreaded a face-to-face conversation more than he’d loathed flying into a formation of Luftwaffe planes. Why couldn’t he love her? Most of his mates in the RAF would think him daft. But they’d never met Elise. He felt treacherous. Now the war was over, he was home, and they were face-to-face. He tried to be considerate of her feelings and said that he’d see her the next evening. They’d dine at a restaurant by the sea, where they could chat at length. She nodded in agreement, understanding his desire to spend time with his parents. She stayed for a bit and drank a cup of tea. Then, she left, saying she looked forward to the next evening.

  ***

  The moment Sloan dreaded finally arrived. He looked across the table at Anne. Knowing he’d broken her heart, he wished he could have avoided doing so. They were seated at an outdoor restaurant, next to a seawall, and waves could be heard crashing against the stones. Occasionally, a fine spray of mist drifted through the air. He’d ordered a bottle of wine. After it was poured, he began to speak.

  “Anne, it’s good to be able to talk to one another. From the moment I arrived, I’ve wanted to be alone with you. There are so many things we need to discuss.”

  “You’ve already made it clear that you’ve changed your feelings,” she exclaimed. “I don’t think there’s much to discuss. I know you think you’re in love with Elise - that she’s your soulmate. I wrote to you a hundred times saying that I understood.”

  Sloan was somewhat startled. “I know that, Anne. You’ve been unbelievable. But since I’m back home, we finally have the chance to talk this through. I don’t think that my feelings changed so much. It’s more that I came to a realization about them. I nearly died several times while fighting. When one comes so close to death, it causes a re-evaluation of everything. I realized what a simple, pre-ordained existence I’ve led. Everything was mapped out for me. I’m not sure I want that anymore.”

  “Sloan, there isn’t a lot you can do about altering plans for your future. You’re the heir to Highcroft Hall. You’ll have to assume that responsibility someday. Until then, you’ll have to train for the many duties you’ll undertake.”

  “Yes. That much is true. But hopefully it will be many years in the future. Anne, I never wanted to hurt you. You were incredibly faithful and loyal to me. I hate what I did to you. But it’s so important to me that you understand why it was what I had to do.”

  “Sloan. If you’re trying to tell me that you broke our engagement because you began to re-evaluate your life after many dangerous missions, that’s rubbish. You met Elise before there’d been so many risky times. It was solely because of Elise.” Tears began to flow down Anne’s lovely face. “The only thing I’ve never understood is how you could change your feelings so quickly, when you scarcely even knew Elise. Is there something I could change about myself to make you want to marry me, like you did before you left for the war?”

  “No, Anne. What would I ask you to change? You’re a beautiful, intelligent lady. You have everything a man could ask for. You’re like my sister. I’ve had the opportunity to chat with so many of my fellow RAF chums. I’ve heard their feelings for the girls they left behind. I now know that the word love shouldn’t be used lightly. It’s a terribly serious subject. There’s such a thing as passion, which you and I have never shared. The truth is, as much as it may hurt, I don’t believe I ever really wanted to marry you.

  “Then, why did you propose? I don’t understand.”

  “That’s what I meant when I said everything had been mapped out for me. You and I were childhood friends. It was expected of me. But, I never felt the spark that should have been there.”

  But Sloan, that’s because we’ve always known one another. We grew up together. It would have been unusual to feel the passion you’re speaking of, when we’d seen each other during every phase of our lives. There was no mystery. But there was a deeper feeling. Like that of a husband and wife, who’ve spent many years together and cannot imagine a future without the other.”

  “But don’t you see that what you’re describing is the kind of love one feels for a sibling, more than for a spouse? It’s important to have the magic. The spark. I can’t describe it. I only know it’s not there between us.”

  “Sloan, don’t you think I know what love is?” She was openly weeping now. “Maybe you don’t feel passion for me, but I know I feel it for you. I don’t see you as the small boy I played with as a child. I see you as a handsome man, and for nearly six years I’ve longed to feel your arms round me. I’ve felt the spark you refer to. Don’t describe love to me.”

  “I’m sorry, Anne. I’m sorry. What can I say? There are different sorts of love. Perhaps what you feel is the real thing. How can I know?”

  Anne truly was delightful to spend time with - a wonderful companion – but he really couldn’t imagine facing all of life’s challenges with her by his side. Try as he may, there was no way he was going to change his mind. He felt abysmal, like the worst sort of scoundrel. He’d taken precious years of her life – had broken her heart. It was plain to see that however much his feelings had changed, hers had only grown stronger with time. He hung his head in shame.

  “Would you rather I’d lied?” he asked.

  “No. No, of course not. I would have known the truth anyway. I’m not a fool, Sloan. You know that. I’ll survive. I won’t lie either. This has been an awful disappointment. But I’ll move on with my life. You can’t help the way you feel. I understand that. And I can’t help the way I feel either.” She broke into sobs again.

  There was silence between them for several minutes. She quietly wept into her handkerchief, while Sloan waited awkwardly, wishing there was more he could do and knowing there wasn’t. Finally, she spoke.

  “What are your plans now?” she sniffled.

  “I want to see Elise. You know th
at. I‘m aware that I don’t know very much about her. I know her name, and that she’s Russian by birth, brought to France as a tiny child. Beyond that, I know very little. You probably know more than I do. You’ve certainly had more time to get to know her. But there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind – none whatsoever. She’s the person meant to be my partner forever. Whatever the circumstances, I’ve firmly made up my mind. I have to see her again. It’s my hope to persuade Elise she’s meant to be my wife. It sounds insane, even to my ears. But she’s the girl I’ve dreamt of, since I was old enough to have such thoughts. Anne, if I don’t win her love, I’ll live alone for the rest of my days.”

  “Do you suppose if Elise doesn’t feel the same way, you might decide we were meant to be together after all?”

  “Oh, Anne. I surely don’t want you hoping for that, wasting more of your life. I beg you to think of me as your dear friend. Go find your own soulmate. If I believe so strongly that there’s someone God meant for me, then I equally believe that there’s someone waiting for you. Please find him. Don’t be bitter and angry with me. You have to believe there’s a reason for everything in the world. Someday you’ll find the reason for the pain you’re feeling now.”

  “I won’t be bitter. I’m not angry. As I said before. It isn’t your fault. You can’t help your feelings. You’ll always mean the world to me. I want you to be my special friend for the rest of our lives. I’m glad I know Elise. She’s a special person. If you love her, I’ll love her, too.”

  Sloan’s heart soared. That was what he’d hoped to hear. Finally, Anne understood. He truly wanted them to be friends, although it would have been perfectly understandable if she’d turned on him with vengeance. Many women would have. He reached across the table and took her hand.

  “Thank you for accepting this so graciously. We’ll always be the dearest of friends. I look forward to someday seeing you filled with happiness, because you’ve discovered I wasn’t wrong. I know life holds great joy for you.”

  “I’ll be all right, Sloan. Go and do what you have to do. Don’t worry about me.” She smiled. A truly lovely smile. All appeared to be right with the world.

  ***

  When they parted that night, Sloan’s heart was much lighter than it had been at the beginning of the evening. He still had to face his parents and dreaded that scene, but at least he could tell them that Anne had accepted what he’d had to say, and that they’d vowed to always be friends.

  As he entered the house, his parents were still seated in the drawing room. As usual, Lady Celia was knitting, and Lord Rowan was smoking his pipe, reading the London Times. Both looked up expectantly when he came into the room.

  “Hello there, Son. Did you have a good evening? Did you and Anne set a date? Your mother is anxious to speak with Caroline about wedding plans.”

  Caroline was Anne’s mother. Both women had been waiting anxiously for the happy news that would set into motion a flurry of exciting preparations. Sloan sat down in a chair across from his parents.

  “No, Dad. We didn’t set a date. She’s released me from the engagement. There will be no wedding plans. I’m sorry to disappoint you this way. I know how fond you are of Anne. I understand how much you’ve both counted on our marriage, but I can’t make such a commitment. I simply don’t love Anne in that way. I think of her as a sister. That’s the simple truth. I wish I could love her enough to marry her, but I can’t make that happen.”

  Lord Rowan sat up straighter, and Lady Celia put down her knitting.

  “Please say you’re not serious,” his mother said. “We love Anne like our own. I’ve always thought the two of you would marry.”

  “Perhaps that’s one of the problems, Mother. You and Caroline Whitfield got it into your heads, when Anne and I were just toddlers, that someday we’d marry. You used to talk about it to both of us when I was still in short pants. It was always assumed. If there hadn’t been a war, I probably would have married her by now. But there was a war, and it gave me time to think. I don’t love her in the proper way for marriage. It’s as simple as that.”

  “But Son, shouldn’t you spend some time with her, now that you’re home again? Of course the war has brought about confusing feelings. I remember when I served. It seemed like everything in my life was different. But you’ll settle in again. The old routine will be re-established. You need to give it time.”

  “No, Dad. I don’t want the old routine. I now understand how contrived it was. I am happy to be home again. Of course I’m pleased to be with you and Mother. But I have no intention of marrying Anne.”

  Lady Celia threw her hand to her breast. “Sloan, why are you talking this way?”

  “I want time to think. To decide how I want to live my life.”

  “Son, you haven’t much choice about how you live your life. Do you mean to say you would refuse your inheritance and leave Highcroft Hall?”

  “No. No. Of course not. Nothing like that. But since I’m certain I have no intention of marrying Anne, I need to rearrange my thinking. I believe I’ve found someone who’s meant to be with me.”

  “What the devil do you mean?”

  “Father, I mean that I believe I’ve found my soulmate. That’s something I’ve never said out loud before. But I’ve thought about it for years. I believe god meant for me to find the one special person he wants me to spend the rest of my life with. It isn’t Anne.”

  “Sloan, you’re talking foolishness. Something has happened to your thinking. Perhaps you should talk to Father Powers. After all, he is an Anglican Priest. He’s trained to counsel on these matters.”

  “Mother, I don’t need Father Powers, and there’s nothing wrong with my mind,” Sloan laughed. “Have the two of you never thought that you’re soulmates? Can either of you imagine being married to someone else? Was there anyone in either of your lives whom you considered marrying, before you met each other?”

  “Well - no. We made the decision very quickly. When we met, we were certain about how we felt. Our parents weren’t happy about our rush to the altar. But we were right, weren’t we Rowan?”

  “Yes, of course, dear. I’m not quite sure what to say to you, Sloan. I suppose if that’s what you believe, there’s no point in trying to convince you differently. It just seems quite cruel to have kept Anne waiting for so long, only to break her heart.”

  “We’ve had a long talk. Anne is hurt, naturally. But she understands. She was wonderful about it. I did write to her midway through the war, releasing her from the engagement. She chose not to tell her parents or you. I do feel very badly. But as she says, I can’t help my feelings. We’ve vowed to always be the best of friends. I couldn’t ask for her to be more harmonious about the entire thing. I made clear what I believe. I explained that I’ve been through a lot of trauma and need time to adjust. But she understands completely that there’s no future for us, other than as friends.”

  “Well, you definitely couldn’t have married her feeling as you do. If you don’t love her, we’ll have to accept it. You do understand that the entire village will be indignant about this. Everyone loves Anne. There will be few people who’ll be able to see why you wouldn’t want to marry her.”

  “I know that, Mother. To make matters worse, I have to tell you something else. The girl, who I’m certain is my soulmate, lives here in Thornton-on-Sea.”

  “She lives here? Who? How? I don’t understand a whit of what you’re telling us.”

  “You know her. Her name is Elise. I believe she makes her home with your lady’s maid.”

  “Giselle? Yes, Giselle does live with Elise. Elise is a widow. She has a child, Chloe. How can this be? Elise and Giselle didn’t even live here until after you’d left for the war.” She was silent for a moment, and then a light came into her eyes, as reality dawned upon her. ”Oh my goodness! I nearly forgot. Elise is the girl who bandaged your wound, and saved your leg. But, that was a brief encounter, Sloan. You don’t really know her.”

  “I know.
It’s a long story. I met her in France at Dunkirk. The moment I laid eyes on her, I knew – I just knew. I can’t explain it. She makes me whole. I’m sure of it. She and Anne have become friends. You probably know that. It’s all very strange, isn’t it? That convinces me all the more that it’s god’s work. I have to see her. She knows I’m returning from the war. Anne tells me that Elise has no feelings for me, but I won’t believe that until I’ve had the chance to prove to her I’m not a madman. I’m afraid I got rather carried away when I met her in France. I scarcely knew her, yet I blurted out that I believed she was my soulmate.”

  “Well, this is truly astonishing,” said Lord Rowan. “What can I say? You seem to know your mind. There’s no point in arguing with you. You’ve earned the right to be happy. We shall stand by you, no matter what others say. We’ll support your wishes. We do know Elise. I personally think she’s a fine girl. So does your mother.” Lord Rowan placed his pipe in its rack and reached out his hand to Lady Celia. “Come along, dear. Life has a way of leading us where we need to go. Sloan will be all right. He has a good head on his shoulders.”

  Together, the two middle-aged people walked toward the stairs. Sloan heaved another sigh of relief.

  ***

  Anne, on the other hand, climbed the stairway to her room and threw herself upon the bed. She was filled with rage and indignation. She wished that she could rant and rave at the top of her lungs.

  “How dare he treat me like this? How dare he? Soulmate! What daft foolishness. He’s suffering from some sort of mania.” She was incensed. She’d never felt such fury. “He won’t get away with this. Let him dare to bring his wretched soulmate to Highcroft Hall as a countess. Just let him dare. I’ll make certain Sloan erases these idiotic ideas from his head. Oh, he’ll pay. He will pay.”