Pierce Me: Satisfied by the Bad Boy

by Simone Sowood

  Everything was so perfect with Knox. Sleeping in his arms, waking up with him in me, nothing could get better. And then everything fell apart.

  Without bothering to check my hair and makeup, I hit record.

  “Hi everyone. I’m not doing so well today, as you can probably see. Right now I’m fighting for my unicorn. Not because of all that stuff I said before, about him being the most incredible lover imaginable, but because he’s the most incredible man imaginable. A man who’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness for someone else. But I don’t know how to make him see that he doesn’t have to sacrifice his life. That he can fulfill his responsibilities and still have me.”

  Tears roll freely down my cheeks, but I keep talking, “I want him to know that I can even help him with his responsibility, that I want to help him. Because maybe I feel as strongly about his responsibility as I do about him.”

  My throat is tight, and I pause to swallow. I can’t stop the words now. I don’t want to mention Piper in case he gets more mad. If he ever watches this, that is. The webcam is still rolling, and I look off to the left, where I can see Knox outside my window.

  “Never in my whole life have I felt so comfortable or that I belong with someone so strongly. I don’t know. I know I normally have all sorts of advice to give you, but today I don’t have any. Today...” I stop talking and watch Knox out the window for a few moments.

  “Today, I want to play a game with you. It’s called Would You Rather, and if you have kids, I’m sure you’re familiar with it. My question is, would you rather keep trying to convince the man who owns your heart that having you doesn’t mean hurting his responsibility, or would you rather step back, sit in your house, alone, and wait years for his responsibility to, to…” I can’t say grow up and finish high school. I won’t risk angering Knox.

  “To end. And then maybe the two of you can try things again. Because I would wait. I’d wait forever for him.”

  I grab a Kleenex and wipe my face, not caring that it’s on webcam.

  “Maybe a couple of months ago, I would’ve told you that you have to be with someone for a long time, at least a year, if not more, in order for your love for them to develop and grow.” My mind is racing, and I realize this is why I stayed with Nathan for so long, I was always waiting for the love to appear. The real love that never came.

  “But now, now I know that sometimes something is obvious from the start. When you’ve found the person whose life you belong in, you don’t need years to figure it out. You just know. Your body knows, your soul knows. You just have to listen to it. But how do you get the other person to acknowledge it?”

  I’m losing the ability to speak without sounding like a blubbering fool. I turn off the camera and sit at my desk.

  It takes half the Kleenex box until I can see clear enough to attempt to edit the video. By that point, I’ve lost interest and post it raw and completely unedited.

  I sit at my desk until I can’t take it any longer. It’s nearly six anyway. I grab two cold beers from my fridge and march out to his garage without checking my reflection in the mirror.

  Knox’s head is buried under the hood of some old car, giving me a nice eyeful of his muscular ass as I walk up the driveway.

  I take a deep breath, and say, “Hey. It’s hot out here, I brought you a cold drink.”

  Knox grunts and keeps his head under the hood. Is this going to be like the first time I brought him beer all over again?

  “I’m not going back inside until you talk to me. You may as well enjoy the beer.”

  “Don’t make this hard, Avery,” he says, his voice gruff.

  I step forward, and set a can on the engine. Knox sighs, and ducks out from under the hood. He takes the can off the car, but doesn’t open it.

  “Can’t we just talk about it?”

  “The fuck-buddy thing didn’t work for either of us, and I was crystal clear from the start that a relationship was never an option. There’s nothing else to talk about.”

  “But how can you ignore your feelings?”

  “Avery, no. It’s still no. It’s always going to be no. That’s the way it has to be.”

  “Knox, I understand what you think you have to do, and be.”

  “No, no you don’t. You don’t have kids. You’re not the one who spends your whole adult life trying to do the right thing.” His nostrils flare and his eyes bore into me, though his voice is soft, “And you’re not the one who dropped the fucking ball and let your little girl get her heart crushed.”

  “That’s going to happen, everyone gets hurt at some point. It’s not your fault her mother abandoned her. How did you ever think you were going to protect her from that realization?” My voice is soft, comforting.

  “Maybe, but that would happen a different day, not the day of her graduation. If I hadn’t been, if we hadn’t been, then it wouldn't have happened.”

  There’s no point in arguing this with him. My heart aches too much to stand here any longer. I need to leave, before I have a complete meltdown and embarrass myself.

  Maybe I should go stay with Darla for a while, until the stabbing hurt dulls a little.

  “Okay,” I say, and turn and walk back to my house.

  As I round the corner, I can see a brown pick-up parked across the street. Probably another delivery, of more sex-related products for me to pimp. Once on my doorstep, I put my hand on the doorknob.

  “Bitch!”

  It’s Nathan. He walking towards me from the pick-up. His blond hair is disheveled and his blue eyes fierce.

  “You scared me,” I say. “What are you doing here?”

  “You fucking destroy my relationship with your fucking videos, and you wonder why I’m here?”

  My heart, already racing from talking to Knox, thumps out of control. I’ve never felt threatened by Nathan, but this is weird.

  “I somehow don’t think I’m the reason your fiancée left you, Nathan.”

  “Everyone I know is calling me squeeze toy!” He roars so loud his voice seems to echo off the house across the street.

  I don’t know what to say, but drop my hand off the doorknob.

  “I fucking warned you! I told you over and over to shut your fucking mouth. That you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. But still your fucking videos went on and on and you would not shut your fucking mouth!” he screams at the top of his lungs.

  Paralyzed, my mind races. What is he saying? Why is he blaming me?

  “Every fucking day she used to ask me how I never learned a fucking thing from you. How she couldn’t believe I sucked so bad in bed when I lived with you so long, Avery. It didn’t matter how many times I told her you were full of shit, or how many times I told you to stop. Your fucking idiotic videos went on and on.” Spit flies from his mouth as he yells.

  “Who the fuck are you?” Knox demands as he comes around the corner of my house.

  Knox

  The blond asshole glances at me before turning back to Avery, his face beet red from yelling. He’s standing close to Avery, too close and I rush to them and put my arm around Avery, pulling her back to position myself between them.

  “What do you mean, told me?” Avery asks.

  “Over and over, you fucking bitch. Until you got me banned.”

  “Oh my God,” Avery says, “You’re my troll?”

  “You’re Hung like a Donkey?” I demand with a laugh.

  “You just couldn’t shut your fucking mouth,” he yells, ignoring me again.

  I’ve had enough.

  “I told you before I’d send you to oblivion you ever bothered her again.”

  The guy’s face falls as his gears turn. “You’re Ox Man?”

  “Yeah, you saved me the trouble of hunting you down. And now I know who you are, it’ll be real easy for me to find you if you ever comment on her videos again. And make no mistake, I will come for you,” I say, my teeth gritted and my finger pointing at him.

  He sizes me up. The guy
looks like he’s never played a sport or done any real work in his entire life. I could crush him.

  “Get the fuck out of here and never contact Avery again.”

  Without saying anything, he turns and gets in his truck and drives off.

  My arm is still around Avery, and she’s shaking. I pull her tight against me and wrap both arms around her. Thank fuck I was here to protect her. But I still don’t like it. I can’t stand the thought of her alone in her house. What if the asshole comes back?

  “Get your things. You’re staying at my place tonight.”

  “I can’t. There’s no way I can be in the same house as you. That would be a bigger torture than Nathan coming back.”

  “You know him?”

  “He’s my ex.”

  It’s always the fucking ex.

  “It’s fine. You can sleep in the spare room.”

  “But I can’t. Don’t you see how hard this is for me? How can I stay at your house and pretend that everything's a-okay when inside my heart is ripped to shreds? There’s no way. And what about Piper?”

  She thinks my heart is any better? We just have to be strong, is all. I’m tough, I can do it.

  “I don’t fucking care. There’s no way I’m letting you stay in your house alone tonight. Either you stay at mine, or Piper and I come stay at yours. Your choice.”

  “Knox, I’m really thankful you came and scared Nathan away, but we’re not in a relationship, remember? Your words. I’m not your responsibility. This is my house, and I intend to live in it.”

  My breath is heavy. Avery feels so right in my arms but I have to let my mind rule. I can’t let Piper down again.

  “Only one night. Give him time to calm down. You don’t know what he might do all wound up like that. You’re coming to my house. End of discussion,” I say, my voice stern.

  I squeeze her hard, to emphasis my point. And tell myself I will not be tempted by the swell of her tits pushing into me.

  This might be a stupid idea, but I can’t let Avery down. She’s not safe in her house tonight.

  Holding her tight, I walk her into my kitchen and sit her at the table. She still looks shell shocked. I make us each a cup of coffee, and set one in front of her.

  “Coffee always helps,” I say, sitting at the table.

  “There’s only one thing that will help make me feel better,” she says, her eyes lowered to her cup, her body still tense. Avery’s hand shakes as she lifts the mug.

  I don’t respond because I feel the same way. We sit and drink our coffees in silence. When I finish mine, I take my mug to the sink and start dishing out my one-pot wonder, it’s goulash today.

  “Supper,” I call and Piper comes bounding down the stairs and into the kitchen.

  “Wow, Avery, I didn’t know you were coming for supper.”

  “Her power's out, there’s a problem with her wiring so she has to stay here tonight,” I say.

  “That’s so cool. I’ve missed you. We’re going to have so much fun.”

  “Sweetie, you don’t have to miss me. You can come over whenever you want, all summer long.”

  Her shoulders drop and her face softens. Finally Avery looks like she’s starting to relax.

  “Really? Thanks! I miss talking to you sooooo much.”

  “I missed talking to you, too. But I’m right next door, you know where to find me.”

  “Okay, so would you rather burp bees or fart flashing lights?” Piper asks, giggling.

  “Flashing lights,” Avery says and laughs.

  I half listen to their conversation, and half wonder why the fuck I impose these rules on myself. But the graduation memory is still fresh. As much as I don’t like my baby growing up, I was looking forward to watching her go up and get her eighth grade certificate.

  And that’s why I have rules. No matter how hard they are to follow.

  They talk during the rest of our supper, and I listen. To Avery’s voice, to Piper’s laugh, and can’t help wanting more of this.

  The three of us clean up the kitchen together, it kills me knowing how perfectly Avery fits into our little family, but I have to remember my fuck up.

  “Can we watch Law & Order?” Piper asks.

  “Of course,” Avery answers.

  Piper races into the living room and sits on the armchair. Avery looks at me, her eyes wide.

  “You know what, I’m exhausted, I think I’m going to go to bed,” I say.

  “Night, Dad,” Piper says, the remote control already in her hands.

  “Sure,” Avery says, her eyes heavy.

  “You know where the spare room is, and Piper can show you where the towels and things are.”

  “Okay,” she says, her voice devoid of emotion.

  “Good night,” I say and walk upstairs.

  “Night,” they both say.

  I’m not tired at all, I just couldn’t face sitting with them all evening. I grab my iPad and flop onto my bed.

  I mess around, reading all sorts of different things and watching all sorts of different videos until I can’t help myself any longer. I curse myself for being weak and open Avery’s YouTube channel.

  She posted a video earlier this afternoon, and I click on it. She looks like shit, her hair’s a mess and her eyes are red. As I watch, my throat constricts so tight I struggle to breathe.

  When it finishes, I start it over. My ribs feel like they’re being ripped open.

  When it finishes again, I scroll down the comments. It’s only been up a few hours, but already there are hundreds of them. Comment after comment of people telling Avery how amazing she is and how she doesn’t need me fill the screen.

  Some comments say I’ll come to my senses. I keep reading through them, until one hits me like a punch in the gut.

  Single mom of three: Is his responsibility to his child? I understand what he’s thinking but he’s wrong. Tell him to stop being scared of messing up his children and start being afraid of missing out the (second) best thing that’s ever happened to him!!!!!! Btw, I’m single mom no more, and my kids have never been happier! What do his kids think of you?

  What does Piper think of Avery? Easy, the same way I feel about Avery.

  Underneath the comment are at least a dozen replies of people agreeing with her.

  I read the comment along with the replies three more times, each time feeling lighter and lighter.

  After registering a new account, I leave my own comment.

  The unicorn: thank you ex single mom of three. And Avery you are right. Everything about you is right. Perfect, even. You are the (second) best thing that’s ever happened to me.

  I’ve never been good with words.

  Avery

  Piper went to bed ages ago, but I’m delaying. I can’t bring myself to drag my feet up the steps to sleep in Knox’s spare room. Though it’s true, I’m too uncomfortable to go home. I’ve never seen Nathan like that, and Knox is right, he might come back.

  I’m lucky Knox was there. Who knows what Nathan would’ve done?

  Even if Knox having his arm around me, holding me, supporting me was almost too much for my heart to bear. Because I know it wasn’t real. And no matter how much I want it to be real, I have to face facts and push those thoughts out of my mind.

  Knox running away and staying in his bedroom all night was proof his mind can’t be changed. I’m here because he’s being neighborly, nothing more.

  Still, I can’t bring myself to climb the stairs and sleep in his spare room. Even if it is after one in the morning. I start another mindless movie on Netflix, and lay out on the couch.

  “What are you still doing up?” Knox asks in a quiet voice.

  His hand brushes over my hair, and I realized I dozed off. I push myself up and sit. The dim end table light is on, but it’s otherwise dark.

  “I must’ve fallen asleep watching TV,” I say.

  “What were you watching?”

  “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

  �
�I can’t sleep either,” he says and sits beside me.

  Flutters fill my chest. I swallow and become teary. I can’t do this. I can’t be in his house, this close to someone I want so badly. My breathing speeds and I focus on pushing away my feelings.

  “It’s been a hard couple of days for me,” I say.

  “They haven’t been easy for me either, you know.”

  “Thanks for helping me with Nathan.”

  “You think I’d let that asshole anywhere near you? Now I know who he is, if he makes any more comments on your videos, he’ll pay.”

  His words fill me, and I struggle to keep my feelings down. I bite the inside of my cheek, wondering why he’d say such a thing.

  “Thanks,” I say, mumbling.

  “I’d never let anyone hurt you.”

  I want to ask why, but can’t bring myself to. I can’t sit here. Not beside someone who owns my heart and doesn’t want me. Fuck Nathan, I’ll take my chances.

  Staggering to my feet, I step away from the couch.

  “Where are you going?” Knox asks.

  “Home. I need to go home.”

  My heart pounds and my knees are weak, but I have to get out of here. To retreat home where I don’t have to suffer in his presence.

  Knox reaches out and grabs my hand, the contact exploding my heart. My chest heaves, stuck between what I want to do and what I need to do.

  “I watched your latest video,” he says.

  I freeze. He must think I’m an idiot. I swore I’d never post a video unplanned again, but I went ahead and did it again. This time completely unedited, complete with crying and stupid wishes and everything else. My cheeks heat with shame.

  At the same time, I want to know what his reaction is.

  Or maybe it’s better that I don’t know. That it’ll hurt too much when he pushes me away even more.

  I swallow, and say, “Oh.”

  Knox squeezes my hand, and pulls me back onto the couch. Our legs are touching, and he’s still holding my hand. I’m exhausted, but the contact wakes my body.