Chasing Before

by Lenore Appelhans

  Inevitably Moby excuses himself. “Thanks for cheering me up.” He punches Neil and then me lightly on our arms. He holds up his tattered brochure and grins. “Time to go back to my room to decide what I want to do with my afterlife.”

  After Moby leaves, we run into Kiara and Keegan on Western Avenue. Kiara has a protective arm around her brother. His hat is pushed all the way down, so that the brim hides most of his face.

  “Everything okay?” Neil asks. When even the healers look worried, it’s not a great sign.

  “All good.” Kiara forces a smile. She elbows Keegan in his side, and he looks up at us and nods a somber greeting. “Want to come by tomorrow during the career fair?” she asks. “We don’t get many visitors at the healers’ booth. Might be nice to see friendly faces.”

  “Of course,” Neil says. “We’d love to.”

  I touch her shoulder. “I wanted to thank you again for what you did for Neil. We’re so grateful that you and Libby were there.”

  “What did Libby do?” Neil asks. I never told him about my own injuries.

  “She fixed my hearing. The blast was so loud, I thought I went deaf.”

  “Libby used to train as a healer before she switched over to administration,” Kiara says like it’s an afterthought, and hitches up her long skirt. “See you tomorrow, then.”

  Kiara shuffles away with Keegan, and Neil and I exchange uneasy looks. The atmosphere of Level Three has changed so completely since yesterday. Now it’s like a ghost town.

  As we cross the street, I try to recapture some of our earlier lightheartedness. “Moby sure had some crazy stories of life on the road, didn’t he?”

  “Yeah, and he has such a vivid way of telling them. It was like watching a movie.”

  “That was hilarious how that girl threw a bouquet of flowers onstage and then the bees flew out and stung the lead singer.” I mime a bee buzzing by his ear.

  He swats my hand away. “You didn’t think it was so funny when you got stung by a bee, did you?”

  I tense. Is Neil scolding me? But then he smiles and I realize he’s teasing. “It’s not funny he got hurt,” I say. “It’s funny to picture all these bees lying in wait between the flowers, calculating the perfect time to strike. What was your favorite story?” We reach the double doors of our dorm, and he ushers me in.

  “Not any one in particular. I enjoyed hearing what it’s like to be a professional musician. That could have been me,” he says wistfully as we make our way through the foyer toward the stairs.

  “Maybe it was.” It’s the perfect opening to discuss getting our memories back. “I mean, we know now that we didn’t die in that car accident. Think of all we might have achieved.”

  Neil takes the stairs two at a time, and I struggle to keep up with him. “Well, short of forcing memories out of Nate, or having the luck of finding someone else who knew us after, we’ll never find out, will we?”

  “We could always ask Nate again to share them with us.”

  At the mention of his brother’s name, Neil’s face puckers like he’s eaten a rotten orange. “Keep your distance from Nate.” We reach our hallway.

  “Why? Because you think Nate might tell me all your deep dark secrets?” I’m half teasing, half probing. Because he might tell me about you and Gracie?

  He whirls around to face me, his inside battle for control clearly showing in his eyes. “Nate’s a jerk, and the only memories he’d likely be willing to show us are the bad ones.”

  “You must want to know what happened to us after the crash.” He does. I heard it in his voice.

  “Of course it bothers me,” he confirms. “But in the end does what we did or didn’t do on Earth really matter? We’re here now. We’re together. What more could we want?”

  He’s right in a way. Wanting to be reunited with Neil was the one thing that got me through Level Two. But that might not be enough for me anymore. I need to figure out who I really am. After all, we are nothing more than a collection of our memories. And if our memories are incomplete, we can never be complete people.

  “But you were the one who told me that our experiences make us who we are—even the bad experiences. Don’t you still believe that?” I ask.

  Neil shrugs. “I did say that. But your memories are not all that you’ll ever be. They’re in the past. It’s your choices now that make you what you’ll be in the future. Libby told me this morning that the sooner we accept the loss of those memories, the better score we’ll get on the muse detachment test. You do want to be a muse with me, right?”

  We’re standing in front of his door now. “Yes, of course,” I say.

  “Then let’s try to forget we ever found out about our lost memories.”

  I suspect the muse detachment test is not Neil’s only reason to want to put this behind us. He wants to close down this topic of conversation because it’s too intertwined with his Gracie story. By putting all his memories in the past, he can avoid the ones he doesn’t want to face. I hate that he doesn’t feel like he can share his secrets with me. I’d love to tell him that I’ll never be able to accept the loss of my post-crash memories. That I’d give anything right now to find out what happened to me on Earth and what happened between us. But obviously I can’t, because he doesn’t want to hear it. I can’t afford to turn him against me, even a tiny bit. He’s my rock. He’s the one who showed me how to be good again—showed me that I could be good again. As much as it hurts, maybe this is something I have to figure out on my own.

  “I’ll try.” What else can I say?

  “I hope so. I think it’s for the best.” He holds up our muse workbook. “I want to get a head start on this. See you later?”

  “We can’t study together?”

  “I can’t concentrate when you’re around. We have to take this seriously.”

  “Umm . . . okay.” I wait for him to laugh and say he’s only joking. But he doesn’t. He gives me a quick peck on the cheek and leaves me standing there in the middle of the hallway.

  In a daze I enter my own room and flop onto bed, hurling my workbook at the wall. It lands with a thud on the carpet. A knock at the door a few seconds later perks me up. I rush to the door, thrilled that Neil has come around so quickly.

  But it’s not Neil. It’s Julian.

  nine

  I CAN’T MOVE. I take in the sight of Julian, from his shaggy blond bangs, dark eyes, and sharp cheekbones all the way down to his black high-tops, halfway laced. He looks exactly like he did the last time I saw him, intense and maddeningly gorgeous.

  All the nerve endings in my scalp tingle, but the buzzing that alerts me to the Morati’s presence stays at the same background level instead of spiking in Julian’s presence as I expected. It’s crazy, but the one thing that stands out the most from this unbelievable reunion is that I’m not a human Morati detector after all. Libby will be so disappointed.

  “Quick.” He pushes past me. “Close the door. I don’t want to be seen.”

  Julian struts in and makes a great show of searching the room, even bending down to check under the bed. “Where’s Neil? Trouble in paradise already?”

  I gape at him until I realize that my mouth hanging open is not that flattering. I swallow twice. “He’s across the hall. We decided to take separate rooms for now.” I hope the lump in my throat isn’t noticeable in my voice. I cross my arms over my chest to prevent them from doing anything stupid. Like hugging Julian and making him think I’m the least bit excited to see him. Because I’m not. Am I?

  Julian smirks at me knowingly. “Sure you did.” Nope, definitely not excited to see him. He’s as infuriating as ever.

  “So you barge in here, acting like there’s some kind of emergency, and really it’s all because you want to tease me about Neil?” I shake my head in disgust.

  “I’m in trouble.” Julian sits down on my bed and then sprawls across it like he owns it. I’ll have to remember to materialize new sheets when he goes.

  “Why?” I mat
erialize a beanbag chair and sink into it.

  “The security team is going room to room, asking people questions. They’re trying to find the angels they think blew up the records room and that are responsible for the latest bombing.”

  “But they don’t know you’re an angel—”

  “Autumn does.”

  “Autumn knew you only on Earth.” I shift in the beanbag chair. When Autumn finds out about Julian being here, it could complicate our friendship again. Or maybe she truly is over him.

  His mouth drops open a bit as what I say seems to sink in. But then he says, “Well, Neil definitely knows.”

  “You think Neil has an interest in turning you in?”

  “Neil is the type who always wants to do what’s right. If he sees me here, he’ll want to tell the authorities about me. He’ll think I know something.”

  Julian does have a point. “Do you know something?”

  “Not really. As soon as I got to Level Three—”

  “How did you get here?” I interrupt.

  “I can’t tell you the exact mechanics, but I arrived at the portal like everyone does. There was no one on duty to greet me, and I could tell there had been an explosion. I was afraid I might be blamed, so I’ve been holed up in a dorm room these past four months, waiting for you. You’re my biggest ally, and you’ll help me.” Julian radiates confidence. He’s even cockier than I remembered.

  “Umm . . . have you forgotten that you were sent to Earth to kill me so I would arrive in Level Two earlier?” Julian was driving the stolen police car that I thought killed me, and the Morati had put him up to it so that they could use my energy that much sooner.

  “But I didn’t kill you.”

  “Yeah. I know.” I snort. “And you know how I know? Because Neil’s brother, Nate, showed me his memory of meeting me at the hospital after the accident. The accident you caused.”

  Julian nods. “Exactly! You didn’t die that day.”

  “You knew?” He knew all this time that I didn’t die, and he never told me. I’ll turn in the jerk myself. I go to leap out of the beanbag chair, but it’s not really the best type of chair to leap out of. So instead of attacking Julian, I end up fighting with the chair, all awkward arms and legs and punching and falling.

  Julian rewards my clumsy efforts with a throaty laugh. “God, Felicia, it really is great to see you again.”

  I flip my long hair behind my shoulders and zap the offending beanbag chair with a dose of dematerialization. I drag my father’s armchair from the corner. And then I sit down with a huff, and glare at Julian. If he wants me to not turn him in, he’d better answer my questions to my satisfaction. Maybe Julian showing up is a blessing in disguise. After all, he’s Morati. He must know something that I can use to my advantage. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that I lived past my eighteenth birthday? You had plenty of chances.”

  Julian shrugs. “It wasn’t relevant.”

  “Not relevant? This is my life, Julian. It’s important to me!”

  “Correction: this is your afterlife. And it was important that you stay focused in Level Two. To bring down the Morati. It worked, didn’t it?”

  I’m so upset, I don’t know where to start. I open my mouth to protest, but all that comes out is a grunt of frustration.

  “Well, that was eloquent,” Julian remarks.

  I push down my bitter feelings as much as I can, and I turn on the charm. “You must know what happened to me after the car accident. Can you give me the Cliffs Notes’s version? How did I really die?”

  “You won’t believe me, but I have no idea.” Julian throws his legs over the side of the bed and sits up straight, facing me head-on. “I mean, I made sure you survived the crash, but then I was banned from having access to you. That’s why I was so happy to see you again when I found you in Level Two.”

  “You’re right. I don’t believe you. You have a habit of twisting the truth to your own advantage. And you’ve proven you aren’t above using me.”

  Julian throws up his hands in surrender. “Sorry. The Morati’s hives had to be dismantled in order for people to be able to move on. You were the only one who could set that in motion. We saved mankind. You should be happy.”

  “You took my place.” All at once Julian’s motive for sacrificing himself becomes clear. “But you didn’t do it for me, did you? You did it because you thought it was the only way you could move on to Level Three.”

  “I did it for both of us,” he says emphatically. “The mainframe was supposed to harness all the energy of Level Two, filtered through you, and allow the Morati to break through to the next level—something they could never do before. But if I hadn’t taken over for you, it would have been too much for you to handle. The rebels were able to stop most of the Morati from ascending, but some made it. And when I took your place, I didn’t save just you. I also broke through.”

  It makes sense now. Those few times in the mainframe when I lost connection with a Morati angel—they didn’t die. They ascended. But I can’t remember how many times that happened. Maybe twice, maybe more.

  “Thank you, and you’re welcome.” I give him a huge fake smile. “You want my help. I want yours, too.”

  Julian’s eyes narrow. “What is it that you want?”

  I go straight to the heart of the matter. “I want my memories back. Obviously.”

  He shakes his head. “Didn’t you get the memo? You’re supposed to put earthly things behind you. Look to the future and prepare for your eternal afterlife. Your lost memories are extra baggage that would hold you back. Everyone here would tell you that you’re lucky you have less to deal with. It makes you a better candidate for the really elite positions.”

  “How do you know all this if you were ‘holed up’ in a room?” I challenge.

  “Chatter in the halls.”

  “Well, that’s a load of crap,” I spit out. “And I’ll let you in on a little secret—until I get my memories back, I’m not going to be in the mood to cooperate with anyone. So will you help me or not?”

  “If that’s really what you want, I’ll do what I can. But you must have been reprogrammed when you came to Level Two, so only the Morati will have access to your other memories.”

  “What do they want with them?” I ask.

  “Insurance. Leverage. Control. A means of persuasion if all else fails. The Morati don’t play fair.”

  “After the fall of the mainframe, Eli locked up all the Morati behind brimstone bars. What if my memories are with those Morati and not the ones who came here?”

  “Brimstone makes angels go crazy.”

  “It does?”

  Julian shudders. “We don’t keel over immediately, and we have to be completely surrounded by it, but every minute of exposure to it drains us of a little power and sanity.”

  “So we have to hope that the Morati in Level Three have my memories. But they’re all trying to blend in with humans. How will we find them?”

  “I can recognize them.” Julian smiles broadly, like he’s won my allegiance to him or something. Which in a way he has. If I want a chance to get my memories back, I’m bound to him until he identifies the Morati for me. But once he does, all bets are off.

  “We should start looking now. Go door-to-door if we have to.”

  “Don’t you understand how dangerous that is?” Julian asks. “They want to be found as little as I do. If they hear we’re on their trail . . . well, you saw what happened yesterday in the courtyard. They’re not afraid to strike again.”

  “Okay, so what can we do? Can you track their signals?”

  “They’re actively masking their signals, like I am. I can’t go out in public right now because Neil knows me and could identify me. But maybe you could talk to Neil. Convince him I’m not evil and that he shouldn’t turn me in. Then maybe I can risk it.”

  I don’t know that I can convince anyone that Julian’s not evil, when I’m not convinced myself.

  I stand up and stretch. �
��It’s past curfew. I should rest up for tomorrow.” I need to get him out of my room so I can think.

  Julian grins and pats the bed beside him. “There’s more than enough room for both of us.”

  Oh, wow. I totally walked into that one. “Why don’t you get back to hiding in your hole? You’re not staying here.”

  “Aww.” Julian pouts. “Why not?”

  “Look.” I put on my sternest expression. “We can be allies or whatever. That’s fine. But get one thing straight. Neil and I are together. And you’re not going to mess that up for me. Got it?”

  Julian vaults off the bed. He slides over to me until he’s standing very near. He doesn’t touch me but leans down and whispers into my ear so softly, it makes me shiver. “Got it.”

  Being this close to him again confuses both my body and mind. It’s not like in Level Two, where I physically craved him like a drug, but he’s so solid. So familiar. And I’m 100 percent sure he would never make me take a separate room. I don’t know how it happens, if I close the gap between us or he does, but all at once my cheek grazes his shoulder and then his hands are pressed into my back. I have the unspeakable urge to pin him up against the wall, to pull up his shirt and run my hands over his bare skin. But instead I settle for allowing him to keep hugging me, far longer and more tightly than what’s appropriate between friends. If “friends” is even the right word for what we are.

  Finally I will myself to pull away. What am I doing, lingering here with Julian when Neil’s the one I love? It’s not because I want Julian. It’s because I want the physical contact that Neil isn’t willing to give me. That’s all. I walk to the door and grip the doorknob, hoping Julian can’t see how much he’s shaken me. Before I can turn the knob, Julian strides over and puts his hand over mine. “I’ll go. For now. But be careful, okay?” When I nod, he nudges me out of the way, opens the door a crack, and peers out into the hallway. He seems satisfied that it’s all clear and ventures out. But as he does, Neil’s door opens, and Nate steps out.