My Brother’s Keeper

by Malane, Donna

  When Mum sat beside me on the grass with all the swan poo and put the smelly dog blanket around me she made me promise never to tell anyone it was me who took the handbrake off. She said I got it wrong. She said I hadn’t done that. She said I’d imagined it. Mum said that she had killed Falcon, that it was her fault he was dead. And she was so sure about it. And in a funny way, I believed her.

  Chapter 27

  THURSDAY 29 NOVEMBER 2012

  Despite the cool shuddering breeze that had blown up, all the windows of Salena’s BMW were wound down. Had Sunny done that so the car would fill up quicker? So it would sink faster? It wasn’t until I was halfway down the street that I could confirm it was indeed Sunny in the driver’s seat. Approaching as I was from behind the car, it took longer to identify Neo hunched down in the front passenger seat, his fine, blond curly-haired head coming only halfway up the seat. Four sneakered feet waggled on the dashboard. Both heads were bent over, their attention focused on something below the dashboard. The handbrake? Heart pounding, I slowed my step and listened for their voices above the hum of distant traffic and the plaintive honking of the black swans.

  Justin had parked at the top of the street and reluctantly agreed to stay out of sight while I approached Salena’s car on foot. He knew it was safer for me to talk to Sunny but he hadn’t found it easy to trust me and from where I stood, halfway between his car and Salena’s, I could still see him pacing back and forth nervously. It was Justin who had guessed Sunny would come here. That he’d been right about it was a shock to me. I continued to walk slowly towards the car, conscious of the need to keep calm so as not to alarm either of them.

  The BMW was parked at the bottom of the dead-end street, the nose of the car parked right over the footpath. A wide muddy lawn directly in front of the car sloped steeply down to the lake. Even from where I stood I could see the lake was alive with waving tendrils of lake weed. A noisy gang of black swans congregated around the car, honking and hissing loudly at each other. A fight broke out as something flew from the driver’s window and several of them attacked each other with wings outstretched and necks extended. A couple of pukeko high-stepping across the muddy lawn turned to see what the commotion was all about.

  Fear purled in me as I walked slowly towards the passenger window. When I saw Sunny’s fist punch out between her and Neo I quickened my step. Was she reaching for the handbrake? As I neared the window, Neo wrapped his hand around her fist and they both laughed. They were playing rock-paper-scissors.

  The swans screamed their objections with much flapping and screeching but reluctantly made way for me as I squatted down with one elbow casually on Neo’s open window.

  ‘Hey, you two.’

  Sunny had spotted me approaching and feigned disinterest. Neo offered his wide open face to me and smiled. A spread of fish and chips lay open across the handbrake between them. That’s what their attention had been focused on.

  ‘What happened to your “I only eat white food” thing?’ I said, ducking my head to better see Sunny’s face.

  ‘Fish and chips are white,’ she said, biting the end off a chip and holding it up to me as proof. ‘The tomato sauce is for him.’ Neo rammed his chip into a blob of blood-red sauce tipped into the middle of the paper and held it up in front of her face mischievously. She mugged back at him. The swans squabbled around my ankles, annoyed with me for getting in the way of their fast food delivery. Keeping an elbow casually angled on the open window I closed my fingers around the door handle. If Sunny let the brake off I’d have the door open and Neo dragged out before the car started its steep pitch to the water’s edge.

  ‘Neo, your dad’s here,’ I said calmly. Neo spun his head around to check out the back window. Keeping to our agreement, Justin was still out of sight. ‘He’s parked up at the top of the street. How about you go see him. He’s worried about you.’

  Sunny turned away and disinterestedly threw a chip to the posse of swans gathered beneath her window. They screeched their approval.

  ‘I don’t want to see him,’ Neo said, studying Sunny’s profile for approval. ‘Not after what he did to Sunny.’

  A swan made a move on my laces. Keeping one palm on the door handle I flung the other arm out to ward off the aggressive bird. The whole gang of them went into hysterics, honking and hissing at me. Sunny and Neo grinned at each other, enjoying my discomfort at being ganged up on by a pack of stroppy oversized birds.

  ‘Sunny.’ I waited until she looked directly at me. ‘It wasn’t your dad.’ She went very still. ‘Justin didn’t take those photos of you.’

  She looked at me for a long time and then turned away to watch the pukekos prancing on the lawn. Neo studied her nervously.

  ‘Go on.’ She turned back to him with a smile and bundled up the parcel of fish and chips in her hands.

  ‘You can take them,’ she said. ‘I’ve had enough.’ When he hesitated, she leaned over and pushed the door open for him. It almost toppled me into the raucous gang of swans. ‘Go see if Dad wants some.’ Still he hesitated. ‘Go on!’ she said, giving him a shove.

  He clambered out of the car and then leaned back in, scattering fish and chips all over the seat, to kiss her awkwardly on the cheek. He nodded at my instructions to stay on the pavement and, gathering his diminished package of chips, meandered off towards where I knew Justin would be waiting for him.

  When he was out of hearing Sunny spoke. ‘Are you totally sure Dad didn’t take those photos?’

  ‘Yes.’ I brushed chips off the seat to the screaming crowd of swans, climbed in and slammed the door shut on their delighted shrieks. Sunny had angled the rear-view mirror to watch Neo. She shook her head, smiling as we both watched him drop a chip and bend to pick it up out of the gutter. In the process, the remainder of his chips tumbled out onto his feet. He squatted on his haunches and started gathering them up, one by one.

  ‘Who took them, then?’ she asked, her eyes still on the mirror.

  ‘Salena.’ I thought it best to leave Ned out of the equation for now.

  She turned an incredulous look on me. ‘Seriously?’

  I nodded. She closed her eyes, taking this in. ‘Okay. Well, I’m pleased it wasn’t Dad,’ she concluded. ‘They’re totally useless, you know? Parents.’ She was watching Neo again through the rear-view mirror. I craned my neck to watch out the back window as Justin approached Neo and shook the regathered chips from his hand. Clearly irritated with the boy’s clumsiness, he took the package off him and threw it in the gutter.

  ‘Adults shouldn’t have kids.’ Sunny said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘They’re useless at it.’

  ‘This is where it happened, isn’t it? Where Falcon drowned.’

  She dragged her attention from the mirror and stared down towards the water. ‘Yeah. The car went in right there. From here it doesn’t look all that deep, but it is.’ She pointed to where a duck was settling itself contentedly under a pohutukawa. ‘And that’s where I sat with Mum while they were trying to get Falcon out of the car.’

  The lake looked idyllic. Postcard blue and decorated with the delicate question-mark necks of the black swans. They’re horrible birds really but they do look beautiful. A breeze rippled across the water. Only the beckoning fingers of the lake weed looked sinister and that was probably because I’d imagined the rescuer striding from the water with Neo in his arms. The pale, limp little body draped in the possessive slimy lake weed.

  ‘Why’d you bring Neo here, Sunny?’

  She shrugged. ‘Dad would never bring me here after it happened. But Falcon and me used to love it here. Before he drowned, I mean. We always had such a cool time when we came here. We used to love chasing the swans and we used to pretend this was our very own front lawn; we even pretended that we’d live here in one of those rich people’s houses one day — you know, just me and him — and we’d spend all day here, just hanging out with the swans and having picnics and everything. When I was a kid this was the only place where I was hap
py.’ She stopped, embarrassed at having given away so much. ‘We didn’t have stuff, you know, like toys or a dog or anything like that. I adopted a stray cat once but it wasn’t supposed to come inside and Mum wouldn’t let me feed it. I don’t know what happened to it …’ She stared off towards the horizon, remembering. ‘We never had any money. It all went on the drugs, I suppose, but I didn’t really understand any of that when I was, like, seven.’ She looked at me frankly, without guile. ‘I just thought Neo would like it here too. Like Falcon and I did.’

  ‘It was you who let the handbrake off, wasn’t it? Not Karen.’

  She looked out again to where the sky met the water. ‘I meant for us both to die. But the guy dragged me out first. Falcon’s foot was trapped under my seat. I think it got twisted up in the seat belt. The man went back for him but he was already dead by the time they got him out.’

  ‘Why did Karen take the blame?’

  ‘She told me it was her fault and, I don’t know, I just kind of believed it and then after a while, I just, well, I kind of forgot it was me.’

  She continued to stare out towards the horizon but her hand hovered near the handbrake. She was reliving that moment seven years ago when she had pulled it towards her and then released it. I looked at the long sloping lawn leading to the lake. The car would have rolled slowly at first and then, gathering speed, it would have rushed headlong down into the lake. I imagined it floating. For how long? Seconds? And then it must have tipped, the weight of the engine tilting it forward, and then silently sunk into the water, claimed by those long waving arms of lake weed.

  Sunny’s pale skin was even whiter than usual. ‘Gran knew,’ she said, her eyes blank as she remembered. ‘She came round to our place the day after it happened. The day the police took Mum away. When we were alone, Gran said she knew I killed Falcon, but that Mum deserved all she got. She said she wouldn’t tell but she never wanted to see me again. She said she’d always loved Falcon more than me.’ She shrugged. ‘I screamed and screamed at her but I don’t blame her for hating me.’

  She was surprisingly calm. I reminded myself again that she’d lived with these horrors for most of her life.

  ‘What did Manny say to you? When you saw him outside your gran’s place. What did he tell you?’

  She smiled to herself before answering. ‘He said Mum was frightened for me. That she thought carrying the guilt of killing Falcon and the guilt of her taking the blame for it would eventually, you know, destroy me. She wanted me to tell the truth. To confess.’

  I remembered Karen had said something similar to me on the phone the night before I was to meet Sunny and Justin. Something about the importance of taking responsibility. That it was the only way you can forgive yourself. I had assumed she was talking about herself, and maybe she was. But now I realised she had been talking about Sunny, too.

  She looked at me directly, her eyes clear and untroubled. ‘I don’t know if she meant I should confess to, like, a priest or a minister or something. Or if she meant the police. I guess I’ll never know that now.’ She turned that delicate neck to stare at the horizon again. ‘She was going to stand beside me when I did it.’

  Suddenly, Sunny’s door was flung open. We both startled.

  ‘Get out of the car, Sunny.’ Justin was dealing with this situation in the same way he dealt with everything: with anger.

  ‘Leave her alone, Justin. I’ll drive her back …’ I stopped myself from saying ‘home’. I didn’t know where that was any more. Sunny probably didn’t either.

  He ignored me and bent down to yell in Sunny’s face. ‘What the fuck did you think you were doing with Neo?’

  Her head dropped. She answered calmly but her lips and voice trembled. ‘You never see what’s really going on, Dad. You never saw it with Falcon and you never saw it with me. You never looked out for us. You’re the same with Neo. You and Salena never see what’s going on for him. You’re all the same; all parents are the same. You only think of yourselves. I just wanted to get him away from that shit for a while.’

  She was brave, this girl. I’d thought it the first time I’d met her.

  ‘But why the fuck did you bring him here? Why here?!’

  She choked back a sob. ‘I would never hurt him, Dad.’

  Justin reached in and grabbed her arm. He pulled her out of the car. She let herself be manhandled by him. I leapt out my side, scattering outraged swans in all directions. Justin stepped back from her, his hands held up. She remained just where he’d put her. Her arms hung loosely at her sides. Sunny’s passivity seemed to frustrate him. I lurched around the bonnet towards them just as he leaned forward and yelled right in her face. ‘It’s where he fucking died!’

  I pulled up beside them.

  Sunny tilted her face up to him. ‘You think I don’t know that!’

  I hovered nervously, ready to step between them if Justin so much as put a fingertip on her.

  ‘Falcon was the only person in the world who loved me,’ she yelled at him. ‘You and Mum didn’t care about us. And when he died I was completely alone.’

  Justin took a step back from her anger.

  ‘I’m going to lose Neo now, too, aren’t I? You and Salena are going to break up and I’ll never see him!’

  Justin opened his mouth to speak and then shut it.

  Sunny’s anger seemed to dissolve. Her voice broke. ‘I’ve lost you, too, Dad, haven’t I?’

  I thought he’d put his arms around her. I thought he’d tell her she would never lose him. He didn’t. They stood like that, facing each other, not touching. He walked a few steps away and then, before I could do anything, he spun on his heels and walked back. He stood in front of Sunny, shuffling from one foot to the other, trying to find the right words. She waited, her eyes enormous from the tears. When he did speak, it was straight to the point.

  ‘Look, Sunny, I wish I was a bigger person and all. But the fact is, I’m not. I can never forgive you for killing Falcon. That’s just how it is. It’s better that you know that.’ The heat was gone but that just made it all the more devastating. With one final immense shrug that said all the things he was unable to say with words, Justin turned and walked away.

  Sunny stared dry-eyed at his departing back. Then she turned her gaze to where a satisfied duck squatted beneath the pohutukawa. It was the same place she had been sat, seven years old, bedraggled, half-drowned, to wait for her brother’s body to be lifted to the surface. I put my hands on her arms and pulled her little body towards me. She was even lighter than I imagined. I drew her into my arms and she stayed there. Over her shoulder I could see Neo watching. Justin had his back turned, mobile phone to his ear.

  He was calling the police.

  Chapter 28

  SATURDAY 1 DECEMBER 2012

  Robbie put his arm around Sunny’s gaunt shoulders. He’s the kind of guy who can do that without thinking too much about it. It was good of him to be there and, even though she’d only met him an hour before, Sunny leaned into his shoulder. I took that as a good omen. Being able to take comfort from someone is a good place to start when it comes to relationships. Sunny hadn’t had a great start in life but little signs like this made me optimistic for her.

  There were just three of us in the front pew on the family side of the church. Justin had agreed to Sunny attending her mother’s funeral, which was something, I guess. Sunny didn’t want Neo there and I’m pretty sure Justin wouldn’t have let him come anyway. Both Ned and Salena, though nominally family, were otherwise engaged, aka in prison awaiting bail hearings. Ned continued to claim his innocence. He was sticking to his story that Karen’s death had been an accident; in the midst of their argument she had fallen down the stairs and had hit her head. Seven years earlier Karen had accepted her penance and served a prison sentence for a crime she hadn’t committed. To be killed only hours before she was to begin a new life both for herself and Sunny … well, that was a crime I hoped wouldn’t go unpunished. It would be up to a jury to dec
ide if Ned was telling the truth — or not. As for me, I was in no doubt he had killed her. Whether he had done it hot-bloodedly or in cold-blood made no difference really. Karen was still dead.

  Manny was the only occupant of the front row on the friends side of the church. Aaron Fanshaw was sitting in a back pew, probably hoping to make a quiet getaway part-way through proceedings. I counted ten other people in the congregation of mourners but I was pretty sure most of them were ring-ins from the minister or habitual funeral-goers who weren’t fussy about whose big day it was. If I’d known there would be so few people I’d have hauled in a few ring-ins of my own, Gemma certainly, and maybe even Smithy, though he may have a code about going to funerals of people he has autopsied. Hard to know with Smithy.

  The police were still ‘looking into’ what they would do with Sunny’s confession for Falcon’s death seven years earlier. No one wanted to reopen the case. No one wanted to admit they’d been wrong in sending Karen to prison, particularly now that she was dead. As for Sunny, once the truth had surfaced she had refused to back away from it. She’d insisted on giving a straight-up factual statement to the police. Justin had talked her into waiting until he engaged a lawyer for her but, despite the lawyer’s advice, Sunny stated categorically that she had known what she was doing when she took the handbrake off: she had intended both her and Falcon to die, but had succeeded in killing only her little brother. No one wanted to prosecute a fourteen-year-old girl for something she did when she was only seven. The criminal age of responsibility being ten, she was too young at the time of the offence to be now charged with murder or homicide, but the authorities were still arguing among themselves over whether she should be punished for not admitting her guilt sooner. And it would involve different authorities to decide whether she comprehended her guilt even now. The arguments would go on for a very long time and without doubt none of those arguments would go to the heart of what Falcon’s death had really been about. Things would take their course now but the process would be slow. In the meantime Sunny had booked herself into an exclusive boarding school somewhere in Vermont. The kind of place rich kids are sent to keep them as far away as possible from their parents’ lifestyles. It was the kind of place Sunny could go to reinvent herself. With Norma’s inheritance now going directly to her, there was no lack of money. Justin made no claims to any of it. He told her she was welcome to come home in the school holidays but they both knew it would be avoided if possible. She wouldn’t come back if she could be somewhere else, not for some years to come, anyway. She’d make friends at the school and go to their homes in the breaks. Sunny was, as Manny had reported, a very capable sort of a girl. She had never had the chance to be anything else.