Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader
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Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Portable Press
San Diego, California
Portable Press / The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
An imprint of Printers Row Publishing Group
10350 Barnes Canyon Road, Suite 100, San Diego, CA 92121
www.portablepress.com • e-mail: mail@portablepress.com
Copyright © 2018 Portable Press
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Printers Row Publishing Group is a division of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC. Portable Press, Bathroom Readers’ Institute, and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader are registered trademarks of Readerlink Distribution Services, LLC.
All correspondence concerning the content of this book should be addressed to Portable Press / The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, Editorial Department, at the above address.
Publisher: Peter Norton • Associate Publisher: Ana Parker
Publishing / Editorial Team: Vicki Jaeger, Lauren Taniguchi, April Farr, Kelly Larsen, Kathryn C. Dalby, Carrie Davis, Leah Baltazar • Editorial Team: JoAnn Padgett, Melinda Allman, Dan Mansfield Production Team: Jonathan Lopes, Rusty von Dyl
Created and produced by Javna Brothers LLC
Interior design by Lidija Tomas
Cover design by Adam Devine
Endpaper design by Rusty von Dyl
Dedicated to our parents, Claire and Stephen Javna, who taught us to love facts
“I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.” —Homer Simpson
eBook ISBN: 978-1-68412-498-5
eBook Edition: July 2018
OUR “REGULAR”
READERS RAVE!
I absolutely love your books. I learn more from them than I do from any other history book or book I’ve ever read. You keep printing them and I’ll keep buying them.
—Bill M.
I enjoy all the humor, information, and trivia…and the fact that most of the articles are short enough to finish while visiting my “Reading Room.”
—Dave G.
I love these books. The way they’re written makes facts and trivia fun.
—Julia K.
I have enjoyed many issues of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers over the years (I’m 82) and always look forward to a new one. My son-in-law (also a nut who loves your books) gave me the new one a week ago and I dove into it as soon as I got to the bathroom! Thank you very much.
—Richard G.
Big fan here. I love everything you publish. You’re my “fun encyclopedia.” Never stop doing what you do.
—Terry D.
Your books bring my family a lot of pleasure.
—Lou B.
I own about 30 of your books. I read them partly for entertainment, but mostly to illustrate my sermons (I’m a preacher). Thanks for your help over the years.
—Jeff S.
I’m near the end of this book and I’m eagerly awaiting the next one.
—Jon L.
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
ACTUAL & FACTUAL
Short
Nailed It!
The Naked Tooth
What the Fact?
Fun Gun Facts
The End
Hamburger Facts
Medium
Totally (You)Tubular
Save Ferris!
Long
It’s About Lyme
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Bathroom Music
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Farts in the News
Stall of Fame: “The Tinder Poo Date”
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Extreme Recycling: Bathroom Edition
Stall of Fame: The “Shady Lady”
CREATURE FEATURES
Short
Weird Animal News
Moos in the News
Medium
Escape From Monkey Island
Run, Gobi, Run!
Remember Me
Animal Invaders
Historic Horses
CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS
Short
The Sayings of Lao-Tzu
Happy Bermuda Day!
Medium
Today Is What Day?
The Gävle Goat
Golden Slumbers
GOVERN-MENTAL
Short
The “Andy Griffith” Show
Cat-Idates for Public Office
Medium
Filibuster? More Like Bladder Buster
Presidents Who Partook
Political Animals
Whatever Happened to Al Smith?
Presidential Also-Rans
HISTORY MAKERS
Short
The Fatal Glass of Beer
Medium
Are You Smart Enough to Work for Edison?
James the [Bleep!]
Queen for a Day
Anne Frank, Reconsidered
Fat Club
King Otto the Crazy
Long
A Baker to Remember
Dustbin of History: Chalmers Goodlin
History’s Wonder Women
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
“Alo! Sollunga!”
Loonie Canadian Laws
Medium
A Whale of a Tale
Russia 1.0
Naming Canada
Weird Canada
Russia 2.0
Russian Spy Wars
Long
A Long, Strange Trip
A Long, Strange Trip, Part II
IT’S A WEIRD WEIRD WORLD
Short
“Don’t Eat the Paper”
A Cure for Insomnia
Medium
Spite Houses
Fright White
A Week of Naked News
Ironic, Isn’t It?
Odd-Time Radio
Beyond Spite Houses
Long
The Kid Who Stayed Up Really Late
IT’S JUST BUSINESS
Short
We Our Workers
Fish and Pzza
Medium
Child Labor Lows
Last One Standing
Apollo Insurance Covers
Real Estate “Holdouts”
Branded
Largest American Business Layoffs
Long
Thinking Outside (and Inside) the Box
LANGUAGE & LINGO
Short
“I’m Serindipidating”
Maine Men
“It’s a Situationship”
100 Words for Snow
Just Say No to Chicken Powder
Medium
Balance Your Rack
Talk Pidgin “Talk Story”
Wiseguys and Whales
Hen-Scartins with a Chance of Blenky
Found in Translation
GOOD SPORTS
Short
Sports One-Hit Wonders
M
edium
Would You Buy Sneakers from This Man?
Fighting the Good Fight
Best Sports Owners
Sports Lasts
The International League
Take Me Out to the Ba’ Game
MISTAKES WERE MADE
Short
Terrible Typos
Typo-Rrific!
Medium
Dude, Where’s My Car?
Vexed by Texts
Lost in Space
Oops!
Here Comes Boaty McBoatface!
Sorry, Wrong Number
Broadway Bombs
MMM…FOOD
Short
Meat-Free
Vegetables, Schmegetables
Medium
Name That Soup
Food for Thought
Your 1981 Grocery List
Food Myths
Dairy Queen: The “Butter-Cow Lady”
Name That Soup, Too
Food That’s Art & Art That’s Food
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Strange Celebrities
Thoughts from Thurber
“Just Be Yourself”
The Jeff Abides
You’re Fired!
Wise Women
Celebrity Advice?
The Mayor of Flavortown
Celebrity Wisdom
More Strange Celebrities
Medium
We Are Not a Fan
ORIGINS
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Card Game Phrase Origins
Name the Place
A Girl with Heart
Medium
All That and a Bag of Chips
A Store Is Born
Classroom Origins
Sweet History
The Paper Chase
Taking It to the Streets
A Store Is Born, Part 2
Go Ahead—Have Some More Chips
POP SCIENCE
Short
Danger: Magnetars
Medium
Everyday Science
The Social Life of Trees
The Fungus Among Us
Wanted: Planetary Protection Officer
Missed It by That Much
Good News
That’s Very Cool
Long
Planet 9 from Outer Space
The Hunt for “Planet X”
According to the Latest Research
POP-POURI
Short
Forget Paris
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
“Princess Takes a Ballet Class
By the Numbers Quiz
Medium
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Life in 1948
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
The Occupational Name Quiz
Medium
The “Barbra Streisand Effect”
The Candid Camera Hijacking
One Last Hit
Not My Best Work
It’s About Lyme: Celebrity Edition
Long
Twantrums
The Matilda Effect
READING & WRITING
Short
Stop the Presses!
Medium
The Secret Lives of Authors
The Final Issue
Writer’s Block!
Long
The Princess Letters
Thou Shalt Read!
STRANGE CRIME
Short
“What’s Your Emergency?”
Strange Crime: Tattoo Edition
Medium
Parking Ticket News
Pirates of the Front Porch
Dumb Crooks
Strange Crime: Selfie-Incrimination
Strange Crime
Long
The Force Is Not Very Strong With This One
SURVIVAL MODE
Short
Safe Spaces
What Would You Take?
Medium
A Good Place to Get Bombed
Long
Danger Everywhere!
Surviving ’17
Sunk by the Titanic
TECH-NO
Short
“Keep Panicking”
Medium
The Last VHS Tape
Attack of the Drones
Robots in the News
DNA Kit Discoveries
The First Viral Video?
Pet Tech
THAT’S DEATH
Medium
They Died Onstage
Murder, He Wrote
Weird Deaths
Recipes to Die For
Too Much of a Good Thing
Long
William Henry Harrison, Reconsidered
How We Die
THE BIG SCREEN
Short
Bottles & Chokers
Actors Who Direct
Medium
For Your Eyes Only
Star Wars, Starring Jodie Foster
Not Coming to a Theater Near You
The Sound of Movies
You’re a Winner and a Loser
Attention Earthlings! Warning!
THE MEDICAL FIELD
Short
“Total Loss of Tongue”
Medium
The Bumhole Resuscitator
Rescue Annie
Strange Tales of Sleepwalking
Your Mind Is a Sewer
Miracle Feet
Never Events
Long
A Letter to the Editor
THE SMALL SCREEN
Short
You’ve Been Eliminated
Television by the Numbers Quiz
Mmm…Everything
Medium
All in the Family
Big Screen Little Screen
Watching the Detectives
Bunkerisms
The Censored 11
Life Imitates The Simpsons
TOYS & GAMES
Medium
The ABCs of RPS
The Minecraft Story
The Scrabble Scandal
Toy Origins
Getting in on the Action (Figures)
Video Game Lawsuits
WORDPLAY
Short
Gone Coastal
Groaners
Turn Left on Ugley
Horse Jokes
The Contronyms Quiz
The Art of the Pharm-Manteau
Medium
It’s the Ant’s Pants!
“Two Chickens to Paralyze”
Don’t Call It That
ANSWERS
As a matter of fact…
GREETINGS, FELLOW
TRIVIA HOUNDS!
We’re happy to have you with us for our thirty-first annual edition:
A while ago, I was talking with some of the info-nerds here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute about the fact that facts are the building blocks of the Bathroom Reader—the atoms that bind this book series together. But there’s another facet of the fact that I find fascinating: facts are fun! In fact, sharing a few facts here and there can make you sound like a know-it-all without actually having to know it all. (That’s one of Uncle John’s secrets.)
Quick story: I recently ran in to my old friend Sheila Burns, who asked me what I’m working on these days. “A new Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader,” I told her. “Really?!?” she exclaimed. “How long have you been writing these books?” “Thirty-one years,” I replied. Then came the question I’m asked most often: “Is there even anything new to write about? Haven’t you covered everything?”
Quite the opposite, Sheila. There’s a whole universe of stuff out there to write about, and our dedicated writers are constantly mining it from books, magazines, newspapers, TV, radio, the Internet. We’re like the Terminator: If there’s an interesting fact out there, we will not stop until we find it, verify it, and share it with you. For example, I just learned that grasshopper meat has four times t
he calcium and twice the iron as beef. (You still won’t get me to eat a bug.) It’s fun facts like that one that earned our previous book, Uncle John’s Old Faithful Bathroom Reader, a Gold Medal at the 2018 Independent Book Publishing Awards, thank you very much.
I slept through the awards ceremony, so let me thank my rag-tag team right here:
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Brian Boone
Jay Newman
Jahnna Beecham
Kim Griswell
Thom Little
Pablo Goldstein
Megan Todd
Brandon Hartley
Lidija Tomas
Derek Fairbridge
John Javna
J. Carroll
Trina Janssen
Jack Mingo
Rachelle Sparks
Mighty John Marshall
Dave Blees
Cuthbert J. Twillie
Thomas Crapper
Year after year, these weirdos amaze me (and Shelia) with their uncanny ability to find not only great material, but fun, new ways to present it. Speaking of which, you’ve no doubt noticed that this edition has some stylish new page styles, and it’s a bit more colorful. Yes, after 30 years, we decided to add blue. (It’s the same color as Mrs. Uncle John’s brown eyes.) Our goal was to spruce up the look while staying true to what we all love about the Bathroom Reader. And there’s a whole lot to love in here:
•History: Women who were “Queen for a Day,” why the U.S. never adopted the metric system, and a fateful glass of beer that changed the course of American history (hint: President Lincoln’s bodyguard was drinking it during a play).
•Blunders: The dumb crook who stole some meatballs and was caught “red-faced,” the news typo that reported Lance Armstrong “used rugs,” and the biggest bombs in Broadway history.
•Strangeness: Cats that ran for public office, trees that use fungi to communicate, a teenager who stayed awake for 11 days, and the bizarre tale of Boaty McBoatface.
•Good ol’ facts: How a filibuster works, the inside story of Lyme disease, casino lingo, the first viral video, the last VHS tape, and a page of facts about butts.
Yep, when it comes to finding stuff to write about, I’d say we’re “good to go” for at least another 31 years. As a matter of fact, we’ve already begun mining facts and fun for Bathroom Reader #32.
Last but not least: Without you—our fans new and old (and Sheila, of course)—there’d be no way we could keep making these books. So thank you for keeping this dream alive.
As always…Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John and the BRI Staff
YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION
It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. Some of these may surprise you.
THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON: When it came time to design the titular character for the 1954 horror classic, director Jack Arnold handed his art department a photo of an Oscar statuette and told them, “If we put a gilled head on this, plus fins and scales, that would look pretty much like the kind of creature we’re trying to get.”