Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  HE AIN’T HEAVY / HE’S MY DAIHATSU. In September 2016, a woman in the city of Fremantle, West Australia, posted an angry rant on her Facebook page, regarding a parking ticket she’d received. The woman, named “Sally,” posted a photo of the parking ticket, showing she had been fined $50 for failing to park between the lines of a parking bay in one of the city’s parking lots. She also posted a photo of the supposedly illegally parked car, with one tire just barely touching one of the lines. When news of the seemingly unfair fine started to spread, the City of Fremantle posted a picture of their own—one that the parking officer took as evidence when he issued the fine in the first place. It showed Sally’s car clearly taking up two marked car spaces. It seemed Sally had moved her car before she took her own photo, in a dishonest attempt to get out of paying the fine. So the story ended… until Sally came up with a new story: A friend of hers had seen “four big guys” actually pick up her car and move it the night she was fined. She asked the City of Fremantle if there was any CCTV coverage of the parking lot. There was! And the city agreed to view it. What did it show? Sally’s car, clearly taking up two bays in the parking lot—and then “four big guys” picking up the car and moving it so they could fit their own car into one of the spaces. The time on the CCTV showed that they’d moved Sally’s car just minutes after she received the fine. So it turned out that Sally hadn’t lied when she posted her photo—but she had parked illegally in the first place. (So she still had to pay the fine.)

  That won’t do, pig: After playing Farmer Hoggett in the 1995 hit film Babe, actor James Cromwell became a vegan.

  CHILD LABOR LOWS

  Jolly old England wasn’t so jolly for the poor boys and girls who had to work jobs that could easily top the list of the most disgusting and painful jobs in history. Think your job is tough? Consider these.

  BARBER’S APPRENTICE

  The job of a barber’s apprentice had more to do with mopping up blood and disposing of amputated limbs than styling hair. After 1540, when the Fellowship of Surgeons merged with the Company of Barbers, barber-surgeons extracted teeth, performed enemas, dispensed medicine, performed bloodletting (with leeches) and surgery, tended the wounds of soldiers…and cut hair. In 1745 the surgeons split from the barbers, which decreased the amount of blood and gore in the barber’s apprentice’s life.

  MATCHGIRLS

  In the 1800s, more than 1,400 girls and young women at Bryant and May’s match factory in London worked from 6:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. dipping wooden matchsticks into highly flammable (and very poisonous) white phosphorous. The girls were fined a day’s wages if they talked, dropped a match, or went to the bathroom during those 16 hours. But worse than the long hours was the disease—phosphorous necrosis, also called “phossy jaw”—a cancer that destroyed the girls’ lower jaws. The London matchgirls’ strike of 1888 brought the plight of the “phossy girls” into the public eye, and working conditions improved, but it took 12 more years for match factories to stop using phosphorous.

  CLIMBING BOYS

  Chimney sweeps in the 1700s and 1800s used “climbing boys” to squeeze up the chimney stacks and scrape the soot off the walls. Climbing boys were as young as three, and no more than eight or nine years old. Because a chimney averaged 9 x 14 inches but could be as small as 7 inches square, the boys had to be tiny. To ensure that they stayed small, chimney sweeps would keep them on a near-starvation diet. Climbing boys often fell and broke legs and ankles. Their lungs were damaged from breathing soot, and many suffered from “chimney sweep’s cancer,” which was caused by poisonous chemicals rubbing into their body’s open sores. In 1788 Parliament passed a law that no boy younger than eight could be apprenticed to a sweep, which saved kids from three to seven, but it was still a deadly job for the eight- and nine-year-olds.

  Q. What was George Washington’s middle name? A. He didn’t have one.

  TOOTH DONORS

  The British upper classes consumed a lot of sugar in the 1700s. Add excessive amounts of wine and rich food to the sugar and you have a recipe for rotting teeth. The solution: replace the rotted stubs with healthy “donor” teeth. The donors were usually desperately poor children who were paid a pittance to have their tooth pulled without painkillers. The tooth was immediately inserted into the wealthy person’s mouth. It wasn’t really a transplant because donor teeth rarely took root. The discovery that syphilis could be transmitted by the teeth made this custom go out of fashion quickly.

  MUDLARKS

  During the 18th and 19th centuries, young children would stand knee-deep in sewage along the river Thames at low tide, searching through human waste and the corpses of dead animals for something they could sell. Called “mudlarks,” these children scavanged bits of rope, copper nails, rags (for making paper), driftwood, and—on a lucky day—coins. The children were always in danger of being washed into the Thames or getting stuck in the mud. The tradition isn’t over; children still work as mudlarks in some developing countries.

  CROSSING SWEEPERS

  In the 1800s, young children, armed with brooms, helped wealthy clients cross the carriage-filled streets by running just ahead of them and sweeping all of the horse manure and muck out of the way.

  FLOUR MILL DAMSEL

  Until the 1900s, mills used pairs of big, round stones to grind wheat into flour. The mill damsel was a young girl of six or seven who spent ten hours a day making sure that wheat was always passing between the two stones. If she fell asleep, took a lavatory break, or simply got distracted, the action of two dry stones being rubbed together could cause a spark and set the mill on fire.

  GONG SCOURER’S BOY

  “Gong” was slang used to describe toilets and their contents from the 1400s through the 1700s. A gong scourer was a person who cleaned the excrement from indoor privies, cesspits, and outdoor toilets. They often spent most of the workday up to their waists, and even necks, in waste, sometimes passing out from noxious fumes. A gong scourer’s boy crawled into the tightest places to clean out the sludge and then hauled buckets of sewage to the top of the pits. If that job wasn’t bad enough, the boys had to work from 9:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. so that the public wouldn’t have to witness the process or smell the contents of their toilets being excavated and hauled away.

  About a third of Americans have their fingerprints on file with the FBI.

  THOUGHTS FROM THURBER

  James Thurber was one of the most famous humorists of the mid-20th century, and there’s an annual award given out by his estate—the Thurber Prize—to the funniest American book of the year. Here are some quips from the man himself.

  “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.”

  “There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.”

  “Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.”

  “The most dangerous food is wedding cake.”

  “Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.”

  “The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present is an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody’s guess.”

  “It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.”

  “There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.”

  “The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.”

  “Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.”

  “All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.”

  “You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.”

  “A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn’t make sense.”

  “The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.”

  “Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

  “The dog
has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.”

  “The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they’ve been through it, too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.”

  “There are two kinds of light: The glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.”

  When the (laboratory) conditions are just right, liquid water can boil and freeze at the same time.

  THE ABCs OF RPS

  Put that competitive instinct and that deep-seated pathological need to win to the test: Here are some ways to increase the likelihood you’ll win at that classic battle of weapons and wits: Rock, Paper, Scissors.

  THE MIND-CONTROL METHOD

  Most people are just casual Rock, Paper, Scissors players. If you’re going to take the game seriously, then you’ve already got an advantage over a relative novice…and you can exploit their newness, because it’s a weakness. If your adversary is a newbie, explain the game; if they’re a casual RPS’er, give a refresher course. As you do, use hand gestures to demonstrate your point. For example, when you mention that rock defeats scissors, make the scissors sign with your hand. Then, explain that scissors beats paper. Once again, make the scissors sign. That back-to-back repetition of scissors will stick in your opponent’s head, and they’re much more likely to throw a scissors the first time you play for real. Expecting that, throw rock. You win.

  KNOW YOUR STATISTICS

  According to the experts, “rock” is the most commonly thrown first move. Knowing that, you should throw paper. If the odds are in your favor, your paper covers their rock. You win. Rock is an even more common initial move among men, while casual female players statistically choose scissors on their first go-around. If you’re playing against a novice lady competitor, throw rock. You win.

  WATCH FOR PATTERNS

  Many players will try to get into your head by throwing down the same thing two times in a row—two rocks, two papers, or two scissors. However, studies show that the likelihood of a player going for the same play three times in a row are slim. That means you can mentally eliminate the thing they did twice from the possibilities of what they’ll throw on round three. For example, if they did scissors, and then scissors again, they’re probably going to go for paper or rock at that point, so throw accordingly (scissors or paper, respectively). You win. (Or tie.)

  THE HUBRIS FACTOR

  Experienced players, such as anyone who’s read this cheat sheet, are unlikely to throw a rock first—they’re too prideful. Only rookies go for a rock on the first time. So that’s one of three possibilities that can be eliminated already. But pride factors in once more. Because the experienced player is so confident in their abilities, they’ll assume everyone else is a newbie, which means they assume you’re going to throw rock. That means they will throw a victorious paper…except you knew that, so you go for scissors. You win.

  Hot and cold water sound differently when poured. Hot water has a lower pitch.

  DISARM THEM WITH A LIE

  Here’s a trick that will bewilder your opponent regardless of their skill level: Tell them what you’re going to throw before you throw it. And then do something else? Nope—stick to your word. They’ll think that you’re messing with them, which you are, but not the way they assume. They’ll think that by announcing “rock,” for example, it means you’re going to play something else. Predicting you’ll give them scissors or paper, they’ll throw rock or scissors to win. But then when you actually do throw rock, you either beat their scissors or tie with their rock.

  DID YOU KNOW?

  According to the World Rock Paper Scissors Association, in a Filipino variant on the game called Jack-en-poy, players have to sing a four-line song as they play. The song goes: “Jack-en-poy / Hali-hali-hoy! / Sino’ng matalo / sinya’ng unggoy!” The last two lines translate to “Whoever loses is the monkey!”

  LET THEM “TELL” YOU

  Just like most poker players have a “tell” when they’ve got a good hand, Rock, Paper, Scissors players may demonstrate some kind of physical indication that can be used to predict

  what they’re going to throw. It’s all about the way they hold their hand. Does it look like they’re holding their hand in a loose fist? That’s a hint they’re looking to make their hand go flat fast for paper. Do they have their thumb resting on top of their fist? That looks like a rock. A hand with the first two fingers held loosely is an almost surefire tell that the opponent will pick scissors.

  GET THEM ANGRY

  If you use all of these tricks and just keep beating your opponent no matter what they throw, they’re likely to get frustrated. And when they throw their next hand, they’re likely to throw rock—it’s subconsciously and psychologically the most aggressive option. But then, you knew they were going to do that, and you’ve got paper ready. You win.

  UNLIKELY RELATIVES

  Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver that’s saved countless people from choking, was the uncle of Anson Williams, the actor who played Warren “Potsie” Weber on Happy Days.

  As a teenager, famous sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer was a sniper in the Israeli army.

  WE OUR WORKERS

  Big companies can be challenging to work for because they don’t value their employees, do they? Well, these companies do.

  IN-N-OUT BURGER

  Years before the “Fight for $15” movement to raise the minimum wage started gaining traction, the West Coast’s beloved In-N-Out Burger chain was way ahead of the curve. California increased its minimum wage to $10.50 per hour in 2017, but In-N-Out was paying its workforce $10.50 long before it became mandatory. Employees, including part-time workers, get benefits like paid vacation, free meals, flexible hours, and a 401K plan—perks that are unheard of from fast-food giants whose revenues dwarf In-N-Out’s. In one of the most exploitative business sectors in the United States, In-N-Out stands out as a “roll” model.

  COSTCO

  Walmart, the world’s biggest retailer, typically pays minimum wage, caps pay for veteran workers, cuts hours to prevent workers from qualifying for health care, and uses its resources to prevent unionization. Costco, the world’s second-biggest retailer, does the opposite. In 2013 Costco’s CEO publicly supported raising the federal minimum wage to $10.10 and started workers at $11.50. More than 88 percent of Costco’s workers have health insurance through the company (compared to Walmart’s 50 percent). By not spending money on advertising, Costco can pass on the savings to employees. Most important, Costco does not participate in union busting and has allowed tens of thousands of its workers to unionize. Costco proves you can make a profit while not pushing your workers onto government assistance.

  NVIDIA

  If you play PC games, there’s a good chance your computer has a Nvidia GPU (graphics processing unit). But smaller tech companies now have to compete with companies like Facebook and Google for the brightest workers. So how well is Nvidia doing against these tech behemoths, known for their amazing benefits? Well, according to Forbes’ 2017 ranking of the top companies to work for, Nvidia came in at #3 overall out of the 1,000 companies they surveyed. If you’re a recent college graduate, Nvidia will contribute $6,000 a year toward your student loans for five years. New moms get 22 weeks of paid parental leave. Trying to become a new mom or dad? Nvidia offers reimbursement for in vitro fertilization and adoption expenses. Of the seven categories Forbes used to determine overal rankings, Nvidia came in at #1 for worker treatment.

  Brazil discontinued the one-cruzeiro banknote in 1958. (Each one cost 1.2 cruzeiros to print.)

  “I’M SERINDIPIDATING”

  If you haven’t been “on the market” in a while, you’ll be amazed at how much dating lingo has changed, thanks largely to smartphones and social media. Here are some terms for you to learn…just in case you need them someday.

  Bench
ing/backburnering: When you don’t want to date someone, but you string them along to keep them from looking for someone else. (Similar to athletes who are on the team, but never leave the bench.)

  Fire dooring: When someone contacts you via text or social media, but doesn’t respond to your replies. (Fire doors open from the inside but are locked on the outside.)

  Catfishing: Creating a fake online persona, complete with fake photos and phony details, and pretending to be that person while flirting online.

  Kittenfishing: Like catfishing, but using your own exaggerated information and doctored images to create the impression that you’re smarter, younger, wealthier, or better-looking than you really are.

  Cushioning: Keeping in contact with one or more prospects just in case your current relationship sours, so that they will cushion your fall when you do break up.

  Window shopping: Interacting with someone on social media without any intention of meeting them in person.

  Mooning: Setting your phone to send a particular person straight to voicemail whenever they call. (The “Do Not Disturb” icon on an iPhone is a moon.)