Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  “The Sound of Silence” This slow-building ballad was one of Simon & Garfunkel’s biggest hits (it reached #1 in 1966) and became further entrenched in popular culture when it was featured in the 1967 film The Graduate. Paul Simon started working on it years earlier, in 1963. “I wrote it in the bathroom in my parents’ house,” Simon says, “because the room was tiled, so there was an echo.”

  “Hole Hearted” The rock band Extreme is best known for its acoustic ballad “More Than Words,” which hit #1 in 1991, and its follow-up, “Hole Hearted,” which reached #4. The band’s guitarist, Nuno Bettencourt, wrote the tune immediately after the very first 12-string guitar he ever owned arrived at his house. “I got kind of excited…and it made me want to go to the toilet,” he said. “I sat down, took my time and, dare I say, the ideas just came pouring out.”

  “You Were on My Mind” The San Francisco pop rock band We Five had its biggest hit in 1965 with “You Were on My Mind.” It was originally recorded a year earlier by the Canadian folk duo Ian & Sylvia. Sylvia Fricker wrote the song while holed up in a bathroom at the Hotel Earle in New York City’s Greenwich Village. Why the bathroom? “It was the only place the cockroaches would not go,” Fricker said.

  “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” One of the few songs in rock history that’s explicitly about the bathroom was inspired by a real bathroom incident. (No, not that kind of bathroom incident.) Paul McCartney wrote it about obsessive Beatles fans who hung around outside the band’s recording studios by day…and outside their homes at night. One of those fans, Diane Ashley, admitted to breaking into McCartney’s London home. “We found a ladder in his garden and stuck it up at the bathroom window which he’d left slightly open. I was the one who climbed up and got in,” Ashley said.

  Jellico, Tennessee, was supposed to be called Jericho, but a misspelling… and then a typo of that misspelling…led to Jellico.

  Q&A: ASK THE EXPERTS

  Here are more answers to life’s important questions from the people who know—trivia experts.

  PIT STOP

  Q: How do NASCAR drivers pee?

  A: “Traveling at tremendous speeds for hundreds of laps and accumulating hundreds of miles simply cannot be done without stopping. Tires need to be changed, fuel needs to be replenished, and other quick repairs need to be made—that’s what pit stops are for. When the race car pulls in for a pit stop, a crew of seven snap to and work in unbelievable synchronicity to do whatever needs to be done as fast as possible. Most pit stops last from 15 to 23 seconds. The length of a pit stop can be the difference between winning and losing—every second counts. Thus, drivers often try to make pit stops during a caution flag so they don’t lose too much fast racing time. The main thing that separates real-life driving from race-car driving is that the drivers don’t pee at the pit stops. They don’t pee for the whole race, in fact.” (From The Smart Girl’s Guide to Sports, by Liz Hartman Musiker)

  OH, FUDGE

  Q: Why do stores in vacation towns always sell fudge and taffy?

  A: “Saltwater taffy and fudge are practically synonymous with the beach and summer vacations—in almost any resort town, you can count on a local purveyor to feature one or both of the sticky confections. But how did these chewy treats become so closely associated with summer destinations? A mix of situational appeal, entertainment value, savvy branding, and the magnetism of nostalgia. On vacation, people are more willing to indulge in sweets on the pretext of a ‘special occasion,’ and this craving may be enhanced by salty air. There’s also a performance aspect to these candies’ creation—perfect for travelers seeking a mindless thrill. Plus, candy-makers highlight the fresh, handmade quality of the sweets, convincing tourists they would make excellent souvenirs, and they also market the treats as emblems of a simpler time.” (Lisa Wong Macabasco, Slate)

  LIGHTS OUT

  Q: How do trick candles keep relighting after you blow them out?

  A: “With a normal candle, a burning ember in the wick causes a ribbon of paraffin smoke to rise from the wick. That ember is hot enough to vaporize paraffin but it is not hot enough to ignite the paraffin vapor. The key to a relighting candle, therefore, is to add something to the wick that the ember is hot enough to ignite. The most common substance: magnesium. Magnesium is a metal, but it happens to burn rapidly at an ignition temperature as low as 800°F (aluminum and iron both burn as well, but magnesium lights at a lower temperature). Inside the burning wick, the magnesium is shielded from oxygen and cooled by liquid paraffin, but once the flame goes out, magnesium dust is ignited by the ember. If you watch the ember you will see tiny flecks of magnesium going off. One of them produces the heat necessary to relight the paraffin vapor, and the candle flame comes back to life!” (From How Much Does the Earth Weigh? by Marshall Brain)

  Singing a song burns about two calories.

  DID YOU KNOW?

  A magnesium fire is difficult to extinguish. Adding water introduces hydrogen, which only makes the fire burn more. Carbon dioxide won’t work either, because that also fuels a magnesium burn. Only a “Class D” fire extinguisher can end a magnesium fire. It uses powdered sodium chloride.

  GONE GIRL

  Q: How did magician David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983?

  A: “Copperfield had a setup of two towers on a stage, supporting an arch to hold the huge curtain that would be used to conceal the statue. The TV cameras and the live audience only saw the monument through the arch. When the curtains closed, David waxed poetic while the stage was…slowly…and imperceptibly…turned. When the curtains opened, the statue was hidden behind one of the towers, and the audience was looking out to sea. Voilà! The Statue of Liberty has disappeared! Even if the stage hadn’t completely hidden the statue, the towers were so brightly lit that the audience would be blinded. Copperfield had also set up two rings of lights—one around Lady Liberty, and another set up somewhere else. When the trick ‘happened,’ his assistants simply turned off the lights around the statue and turned on the other set for the helicopters to circle around.” (Cecil Adams, The Straight Dope)

  YOU’VE GOT TO START SOMEWHERE

  Q: How do seedless watermelons grow if they don’t have any seeds?

  A: “They mess with their chromosomes, that’s how. The first seedless watermelon was created in 1939. By crossing a diploid watermelon plant (having the normal two sets of chromosomes) with a tetraploid plant (having four sets of chromosomes), a fruit with triploid seeds (three sets of chromosomes) will result. How do they get tetraploid plants? They treat unpollenated flowers with colchicine, a poisonous alkaloid derived from the autumn crocus, that inhibits mitosis [cell division].” (From Why Do Donuts Have Holes? by Don Voorhees)

  Are you a lychnobite? You are if you work at night and sleep during the day.

  MOUTHING OFF

  “JUST BE YOURSELF”

  Uncle John says that’s the best advice he ever got, so he wanted us to share it with you. And it turns out he’s not alone.

  “This above all: to thine own self be true.”

  —William Shakespeare

  “Some people say you are going the wrong way, when it’s simply a way of your own.”

  —Angelina Jolie

  “The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.”

  —Dave Chappelle

  “The most lies we will ever tell in our lives will be to ourselves.”

  —Carla H. Krueger

  “Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

  —Tina Fey

  “NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT YOU FEEL. IT’S LIKE SAYING SORRY FOR BEING REAL.”

  —Lil Wayne

  “Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.”

  —Allen Ginsberg

  “A fella who accepts himself and is relaxed into who he is—that appeals to people.”

  —Jeff Bridges

  “To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.
”

  —Oscar Wilde

  “You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.”

  —John Mason

  SPITE HOUSES

  Most houses are built to provide comfortable lodgings for their occupants. But a few were designed for…revenge! These houses are commonly called “spite houses.” Here are some of our favorites.

  House: The Tyler Spite House, Frederick, Maryland

  Background: In the 1810s, a prominent physician named John Tyler lived in a house off of Courthouse Square in Frederick. He also owned the vacant lot next to the house. In 1814 he was upset to learn that the city was about to build a road through the lot to connect Record Street to West Patrick Street.

  Revenge! At the last minute, Dr. Tyler discovered a law that said that if a building either existed or was being built on the site of a proposed roadway, the road could not be built. So he raced out and found a building contractor who was willing to begin construction on a house that night. The following morning, when the road builders showed up to build the road, the other workers were already there, building the foundation for the house. Steps away, sitting in a chair on his front porch, “spiteful, self-satisfied” Dr. Tyler savored his victory. The Tyler Spite House still stands, and it’s easy to find: just follow Record Street until it comes to a dead end.

  House: The Hollensbury Spite House, Alexandria, Virginia

  Background: In 1830 a Virginian named John Hollensbury lived next to an alley frequented by loiterers and horse-drawn wagons.

  Revenge! Hollensbury was annoyed by the noise coming from the alley, which was so narrow that the hubs of wagon wheels scraped along the wall of his house. He finally got so fed up that he hired workers to build brick walls at both ends of the alley to block it off; then he topped it off with a roof. In the process he created what, at seven feet wide and two stories tall, is believed to be America’s skinniest house. At last report the structure, which has just 325 square feet of floor space, was in use as a private residence for a family of three. In the kitchen and living room observant visitors can still see the indentations in the brick walls where the wagon wheels scraped past.

  House: Carbisdale Castle, in the Scottish Highlands

  Background: In 1889 George Sutherland-Leveson-Gower, the third Duke of Sutherland, married his second wife, Mary Caroline. He died three years later, and in his will he left a sizable portion of his estate to Mary Caroline. The fourth Duke of Sutherland—the third duke’s son by his first wife—contested the will, and the fight became so nasty that Mary Caroline spent six weeks in jail for destroying evidence. The dispute was eventually resolved in the fourth duke’s favor, and as part of the settlement, he agreed to pay Mary Caroline a substantial sum of cash, and also to pay for the construction of a castle for her to live in, provided that it was not built on Sutherland lands.

  Revenge! The fourth duke probably wished that he’d insisted that the castle not be built near Sutherland lands either, or at least not in sight of them, because Mary Caroline bought land on a prominent hilltop just across the river from the fourth duke’s country seat, and built her castle there. The duke could not help but see it when he traveled to and from his home. When completed in 1912, the “last castle built in Scotland” had 40 bedrooms, a billiards room, a ballroom, and, famously, a four-sided clock tower with clocks on only three sides. Why leave the clock off of the fourth side? It faced the Duke of Sutherland’s estate—and Mary Caroline did not want to give her stepson “the time of day.” The “castle of spite” still stands; it was a youth hostel from 1945 to 2014, when the high cost of repairs forced the Scottish Youth Hostels Association to sell it. At last report, the castle was being turned back into a private residence.

  Sweet ride! Most cars in Brazil run on ethanol fuel made out of sugarcane.

  House: A three-story townhouse in the exclusive Kensington neighborhood of London

  Background: In 2012 a property developer named Zipporah Lisle-Mainwaring outbid a neighboring property owner named Niall Carroll and bought the townhouse for £4.75 million (about $6.4 million). When she filed plans with the local government to demolish the house and build a larger one in its place, Carroll and other neighbors lodged a protest and in May 2015 succeeded in blocking the work from going forward.

  Revenge! Lisle-Mainwaring retaliated by painting bright red and white vertical stripes on the front of the townhouse, giving it the appearance of a candy cane or a circus tent. “This has been done, so I understand, not because she likes the stripes, but purely to infuriate her neighbors,” one member of the Kensington council’s planning commission told the Guardian newspaper. The neighbors went to court and in April 2015 obtained a ruling forcing Lisle-Mainwaring to remove the stripes, but she appealed the ruling and won. The stripes stayed up…until September 2017, when Lisle-Mainwaring won final approval to demolish the building. Only then did the stripes, and the townhouse they were painted on, finally come down.

  “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

  —Maya Angelou

  Not quite the same: The songwriters of “Silver Bells” almost called the tune “Tinkle Bell.”

  THE JEFF ABIDES

  These laid-back, off-kilter quotes might sound like they came from the brain of Jeff “the Dude” Lebowski, but they were actually uttered by the Dude’s real-life counterpart, Jeff “the Actor” Bridges.

  “Wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom, pee, brush your teeth, look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself. Do it every morning to start off the day.”

  “If you’re going to wait to get all the information you think you need before you act, you’ll never act because there’s an infinite amount of information out there.”

  “Being alive, you have to do something. Not doing anything is also some kind of action.”

  “Well, there are all kinds of gutters. Life will supply you with gutters.”

  “I’m rooting for (President Trump) as a human being to do the cool thing.”

  “There’s kind of a Zen aspect to bowling; the pins are either staying up or down before you even throw your arm back.”

  “So I have this word for much of what I do in life: ‘plorking.’ I’m not playing and I’m not working, I’m plorking.”

  “Your part can be the king, but unless people are treating you like royalty, you ain’t no king, man.”

  “Hope’s interesting, isn’t it? I can’t turn hope off—it’s hopeless.”

  “You don’t want to vilify your ego.”

  “In some way, my saying that I’m not here now feels sort of like an acknowledgment that I am here now, only feeling that I’m not.”

  “The more space and emptiness you can create in yourself, then you can let the rest of the world come in and fill you up.”

  “Sometimes I think about retiring but not stopping work. Just ‘re-tiring’—put on some new tires and go on to do something else.”

  “There are so many things that pop up. If you are paying attention, you can learn every second of the day. Life is my guru.”

  About six Australias could fit inside of Asia.

  A WHALE OF A TALE

  If you ever find yourself in Gothenburg, Sweden, be sure to pop into the Natural History Museum and have a look at the star attraction: the “Malm whale,” the only taxidermied blue whale anywhere on earth.

  RUN AGROUND

  On October 29, 1865, a blue whale calf beached itself near the city of Gothenburg, Sweden. The whale was only about seven months old, but it was already more than 50 feet long, and it probably weighed about 70 tons. If such a whale were to beach itself today, most bystanders would probably try to help the whale free itself or, if nothing else, try to keep it wet until the rising tide enabled it to free itself and swim away. But this was 1865, and Gothenburg was a fishing and whaling port, so the calf was killed by a local fisherman named Olof Larsson and his brother-in-law.

  Nor
mally the two men would have cut up the whale and harvested the whale oil, the meat, the blubber, and, if there were any, the ambergris, a very valuable waxlike substance found in whale intestines that is used to make perfume. But before they could, August Malm, a zoologist and the curator of Gothenburg’s Natural History Museum, arranged to buy the whale intact. He wanted to display it in the museum.

  DIRTY WORK

  It took three steamships and two coal barges to tow the dead whale to the slipway boat ramp nearest the museum. There, Malm, who was also a taxidermist, photographed and carefully measured the whale as it lay on its side. He only measured the one side because the whale was too heavy to roll over.

  When he finished, a team of “ten sturdy butcher boys,” aided by 20 assistants, set to work cutting the whale into pieces. By that point the unfortunate creature had been dead for about a week and decomposition was well underway. The stench was so overpowering that Malm had to bribe the workers with liquor—all they could drink—to get them to complete the disgusting task. After the rotting whale was cut into sections small enough to move, the pieces were transported to the museum, where the skin was removed and the blubber scraped away. The organs were preserved in barrels, and the whale’s skeleton was boiled, then cleaned so that it could be reassembled and displayed in the museum alongside the taxidermied whale, creating two interesting and educational displays from the single whale.

  While the skin was being tanned with repeated applications of sawdust and salt, Malm used the measurements and photographs he’d taken to make a life-size, whale-shaped, wooden form to serve as the body of the taxidermied whale. Because he planned to take the whale on tour, he designed the form so that it could be broken into four sections and shipped from place to place in pieces. And because the interior of the form was tall enough for people to stand up in, Malm designed the whale’s upper jaw to open on hinges so that it could serve as a doorway to the interior of the beast. “Many people might find it interesting to penetrate all the way into the abdomen,” he reasoned.