Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader
Page 40
The subclavius muscle, located between the shoulders and under the clavicle, serves little purpose after you learn how to walk.
TAKING IT TO THE STREETS
Here’s a look into the history and namesakes of some of the most famous roads, streets, and avenues from around the world.
Street: Champs-Élysées (Paris, France)
Details: This tree-lined boulevard runs from the Arc de Triomphe to the Place de la Concorde, and it’s one of the most popular places to hang out and sightsee in the City of Light. Fancy shops, restaurants, bars, theaters, hotels, museums, and the Eiffel Tower are all within walking distance.
Origin: It was a vacant expanse of fields to the west of the Tuileries Gardens until King Louis XIV called for its development into a grand avenue. Designed by France’s premier landscape architect, André La Nôrte, it was completed in the late 1600s and named the Grand Cours, or “Grand Promenade.” In 1709 it was renamed with the French translation of “Elysian Fields”—the heavenly paradise of Greek mythology where warriors went after they died.
Street: Beale Street (Memphis, Tennessee)
Details: Memphis is one of the world’s great music cities—it’s where the blues developed in the 20th century at the many African American–owned clubs, bars, and outdoor performance areas in the city’s Beale Street district.
Origin: Developer Robertson Topp got the contract to build up the area, which is adjacent to the Mississippi River, in 1841. Who’s Beale? No one knows for sure. The official line from the City of Memphis is that Topp named the street (originally Beale Avenue) after a forgotten war hero, but his full identity has been lost to time.
Street: Downing Street (London, England)
Details: Like many streets in London, it’s crammed full of rows of well-kept town houses. What makes Downing Street different is that it’s where the UK government is headquartered, and where the prime minister lives—at 10 Downing Street, to be exact. (The second-most-powerful person, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, lives at 11 Downing Street.) “Downing Street” has become a catchall to refer to the British government, similar to the way that “the White House” is shorthand for the American government.
Origin: The area where Downing Street now sits was once the site of a large estate called Hampden House, and before that, a brewery. Sir George Downing, a diplomat who served under King Charles II, bought the land in 1654 and began developing it into a residential street in the 1680s.
In 1520 England’s King Henry VIII challenged France’s King Francis I to a wrestling match. (Henry lost.)
Street: Carnaby Street (London, England)
Details: In the mid-to-late 1960s, “swinging London” was based around Carnaby Street. Young, edgy clothing designers like John Stephen and Mary Quant set up studios and shops there to sell their brightly colored suits, psychedelic and paisley shirts, and scandalously short miniskirts.
Origins: Before London urbanized, the land where Carnaby Street sits was occupied by a huge mansion called Karnaby House, which gave way to Karnaby Market in the early 1800s. The market’s gone, but the name lives on.
Street: Lombard Street (San Francisco, California)
Details: Lombard is a major thoroughfare in San Francisco, but the street is most famous for a one-block section known as “the crookedest street in the world.” In a city known for its steep hills, Lombard Street runs atop one of the steepest, so the designers who built it in the 1920s figured a good way to break up the grade was installing eight tight turns. Drivers have no choice but to take it slow—but just in case they don’t think Lombard is all that steep, there’s a 5 mph speed limit.
Origins: In 1847 Irish-born explorer Jasper O’Farrell was named the first official surveyor for the City of San Francisco, which means he had a big hand in designing the city. He also got to name a lot of streets, such as Market, Chestnut, and Valparaiso Streets. O’Farrell named Lombard Street after a street by the same name in Philadelphia. Reason: O’Farrell thought Philadelphia was America’s greatest city, and he aimed to make San Francisco just as great.
Street: Bourbon Street (New Orleans, Louisiana)
Details: New Orleans has a lot of French influence. The place to be to drunkenly celebrate Mardi Gras (“Fat Tuesday,” the last day before the self-denial of Lent begins) is the city’s Bourbon Street.
Origins: While a lot of drinking happens on Bourbon Street, it’s not named after bourbon the spirit. The House of Bourbon was a European royal family that ruled France in the 16th century. France still controlled what’s now New Orleans when Rue Bourbon was first constructed in 1721.
STAMPED OUT
Conductor Jean-Baptiste Lully liked to stamp out the beat on the floor with a staff. During a performance in 1687 celebrating the recovery of King Louis XIV from illness, he struck his foot by accident. The foot got infected, and he died.
In 1997 the American chicken population passed 240 million, outnumbering American humans for the first time ever.
FAT CLUB
The first rule of Fat Club: Tell everybody about Fat Club, or rather “fat men’s clubs” that were popular among America’s heavyset elite in the early 1900s.
THE BIG IDEA
In the late 19th century in New York City, there were dozens of “gentlemen’s clubs.” Finally: places where wealthy, well-connected white men could be themselves. They’d drink, smoke cigars, network, and make big political and business deals… and eat. At least that was what the Fat Men’s Association of New York City did at their meetings. So did other organizations, such as the Jolly Fat Men’s Club, the United Association of the Heavy Men of New York State, the Fat Men’s Beneficial Association, and the Heavy Weights. These were early examples of “body positivity” movements—overweight guys admitting that they were overweight, and then celebrating it by getting together to gorge on rich, sumptuous banquets of food.
Those New York clubs were a novelty and they didn’t last long. However, they made a comeback and became a small cultural phenomenon in the northeastern United States a few years after the turn of the 20th century. At a tavern in Wells River, Vermont, one night in 1903, owner Jerome Hale was talking with 10 traveling salesmen, all of whom were regular patrons of the establishment. Like Hale, they were all husky men, each weighing more than 200 pounds. The group started talking about their struggles to lose weight…and how they’d prefer to just forget it and stay overweight, because eating was far preferential to starving themselves. Hale, unaware of the New York fat men’s clubs from a generation earlier, suggested that they form a “fat men’s club.” The salesmen loved the idea and quickly came up a name—the New England Fat Men’s Club—and a slogan: “We’re fat and we’re making the most of it.”
LARGE AND IN CHARGE
The group also established some ground rules. Members of the New England Fat Men’s Club had to weigh a minimum of 200 pounds, learn a secret handshake and password, and were expected to attend twice-yearly club meetings—announced with plenty of advance notice, just in case members had dipped below 200 pounds and needed to get back up to that magic number.
The traveling salesmen quickly spread the word. In the fall of 1904, just a little over a year after the New England Fat Men’s Club had first been proposed, the organization welcomed hundreds to a meeting, which took over Wells River for a long weekend. Here’s a contemporary account from the Boston Globe:
“This village is full of bulbous and overhanging abdomens and double chins tonight, for the New England Fat Men’s Club is in session at Hale’s Tavern. The natives, who are mostly bony and angular, have stared with envy at the portly forms and rubicund faces which have arrived on every train.”
More good news: There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people on the planet.
MASSIVE SUCCESS
Entry into a “meeting” cost $1.00. It wasn’t so much a meeting as it was a sumptuous bacchanal. Attendees began the day with a huge group breakfast, then they headed outdoors for strength and stamina con
tests. They played games like leapfrog, they ran footraces, and they competed to see who could jump the farthest. Not every sport was successful. At the 1904 meeting, Jerome Hale won a potato-sack race in which three other competitors fell down, including 377-pound F. C. Dignac of New Hampshire, who couldn’t get back up in time to finish. Pole-vaulting events were called off when no one could find a pole that wouldn’t snap in half. The tug-of-war was nearly canceled after the rope broke, only to be replaced with a chain.
However, all of that physical activity was merely an excuse to work up an appetite, because after the sports came a gigantic dinner. One New England Fat Men’s Club dinner was a multicourse affair consisting of oyster cocktail, cream of chicken soup, boiled snapper, beef filet with mushrooms, roast chicken, suckling pig, shrimp salad, steamed pudding in brandy sauce, cakes, cheese, ice cream, coffee, and cigars. The men reportedly stayed up until well after midnight, all the while eating, smoking, drinking, and laughing.
The New England Fat Men’s Club held “meetings” like this twice a year for more than a decade. At one point, the Fat Men’s Club counted regular membership of around 10,000 portly guys who dutifully weighed in before each official organization banquet, clambake, picnic, or gala. And unlike many other elite activities of the era, these events weren’t held in smoky rooms away from view—the Fat Men’s Club ate and exercised in public. Meetings were announced in newspapers, and spectators were invited to gawk at club members as they ate themselves under the table.
THROWING THEIR WEIGHT AROUND
Fat men’s clubs were a celebration of both rotundity and wealth—which were equated with one another. The early 20th century was the last time that being overweight was widely considered attractive, simply because having extra meat on one’s bones indicated that a person was wealthy enough to be properly nourished.
Beyond the privileged circles of the Northeast, fat men’s clubs sprung up in small towns in places like Nevada, Utah, and Tennessee. (In those locations, the clubs operated more like the Rotary or the Better Business Bureau—places where community leaders could meet up and network.) Members’ approval was even sought out by politicians. William Jennings Bryan actively campaigned at fat men’s clubs during his 1908 presidential run, and President William Howard Taft was offered membership in the New England Fat Men’s Club. He declined to join, but he did attend one of their raucous meetings—or at least he tried to. When he arrived in Wells River, the car that came to pick him up couldn’t move after the 340-pound president got in. So he got back on the train and returned to Washington, DC.
Alfred Hitchcock wanted to film a movie at Disneyland. Walt Disney said no. (He thought Psycho was “disgusting.”)
LOSING IT
Changing attitudes toward weight and beauty standards, along with more advanced food production and preservation techniques brought about by the Industrial Revolution, chipped away at membership in fat men’s clubs and the “fat pride” that led to their creation. Around 1910, doctors and actuaries started to suggest that being extremely overweight was also extremely unhealthy. The New England Fat Men’s Club held its last meeting in 1924. Where 10,000 men had once gathered, this time only 38 showed up…and none of them met the 200-pound weight minimum rule.
THE HONEST TRUTH ABOUT…TRUTH AND HONESTY
“Men in general are quick to believe that which they wish to be true.”
—Julius Caesar
“The brightest flashes in the world of thought are incomplete until they have been proved to have their counterparts in the world of fact.”
—John Tyndall
“He who dares not offend cannot be honest.”
—Thomas Paine
“The cure to eliminate fake news is that people stop reading 140-character tweets and start reading 600-page books.”
—Piero Scaruffi
“All control, in essence, is about who controls the truth.”
—Joseph Rain
Miniskirt inventor Mary Quant named it after her favorite car, the Mini Cooper.
A GOOD PLACE
TO GET BOMBED
Whether you’re looking for protection against nuclear holocaust, asteroids, or the Rapture, these do-it-yourself bunkers will keep you (and your 50 pounds of ramen) safe.
ATLAS SURVIVAL SHELTERS
Atlas Survival Shelters was founded by Ron Hubbard (no, not that Ron Hubbard) in the Los Angeles suburb of Montebello, and advertises itself as the everyman’s shelter. With a round corrugated pipe shape, it is described as “the only bunkers…tested against the effects of the nuclear bomb.” Hubbard’s shelters provide a much nicer living environment than fallout shelters of the 1950s, and at a decent price. Hubbard, who calls himself the “modern Henry Ford,” sells consumer-friendly bunkers that start at “only” $25,000. Like most of the bunkers on this list, Atlas Survival Shelters are buried underground either next to your home or in a location of your choice. They start as small as 10 x 13 feet and go as big as you want. (They’ll even build you barracks!) They come equipped with essentials such as air-filtration systems, blast doors, and indoor plumbing, but also offer upgrades like hardwood floors and marble kitchen counters.
VIVOS
Vivos (Latin for “living”) is the name of a company that offers a community-based survival experience. While most bunker companies have a standard practice of not sharing the location of their customers’ bunkers, Vivos takes applicants for their sites in South Dakota and Indiana, the latter of which holds dozens of massive shelters built during the Cold War. And like a gated community, Vivos has underground common areas, giving you the opportunity to have neighbors over during a nuclear holocaust. To secure one year of bunker living at their South Dakota site, home to 500 brand-new mini shelters, approved applicants pay $5,000. Reserving one of their older Indiana bunkers costs $25,000 (up front, of course). But at least you won’t have to pack your bags, as each bunker is stocked with food, supplies, survival gear, and all the amenities (and appliances) of normal life. The threat of nuclear war must be good business. Vivos recently opened Vivos Europa, which provides 34 private shelters built in a former Soviet military base that’s located under a mountain.
You didn’t have your first dream until you were about 3 or 4 years old.
ULTIMATE BUNKER
If you buy a shelter from Ultimate Bunker, you’re not looking to skimp out when the apocalypse comes. These bunkers start at $60,000 and can cost up to $619,900 (although for that price, you get to design it). But Ultimate also touts itself as the go-to bunker manufacturer for customers who plan to bring along their own weapons arsenals. Ultimate Bunker specializes in custom gun vaults with huge Fort Knox–style doors. You’re not going to bring just one jug of water down to your bunker, so why would you pack only one rifle?
SUBTERRA CASTLE
Located on a 34-acre estate in the pastoral Kansas hills 25 miles west of Topeka, Subterra was once an ICBM site with a four-megaton warhead housed deep underground. In 1994 Edward and Dianna Peden bought the land and have converted it into a series of survival shelters. Unlike other shelter companies, Subterra focuses less on doom and gloom and more on what they call “a vision of a healthy, healing, community environment, nurturing Body, Mind, and Spirit.” The Pedens have lived underground since they purchased the site and now offer six different home types in their reclaimed nuclear weapon sites. But just because they’re preparing for the end of the world, that doesn’t mean they aren’t capitalists: Their bunkers go for as much as $3.2 million.
THEY MADE THEIR MARKS
•Pro baseball player Germany Schaefer’s odd claim to fame: stealing first base from second base, “to confuse the pitcher.” He played from 1901 to 1918; in 1920 a rule was passed stating that if a player runs the bases in the wrong direction, the umpire must declare him out.
•When herring is salted and smoked, it turns red and pungent. In 1807 a British journalist named William Cobbett wrote about how he used red herrings to lay a false scent trail for some hunting do
gs he was training. From his story, the expression “red herring” came to mean a distraction created to divert attention from the real issue.
•Two settlers in northern Oregon in 1845 couldn’t agree on a name for their settlement. Asa Lovejoy, from Massachusetts, wanted Boston. Francis Pettygrove, from Maine, wanted Portland. They flipped a coin (best two out of three). Who won? Here’s a hint: Today the coin is on display in a museum—in Portland, Oregon.
Scientists say: Bacon is addictive in much the same way that cocaine is (but it’s not as bad for you).
UNCLE JOHN’S
STALL OF FAME
Uncle John is amazed—and pleased—by the unusual ways people get involved with bathrooms, toilets, and so on. That’s why he created the “Stall of Fame.”
HONOREE: Peter Freuchen (1886–1957), an Arctic explorer from Denmark
NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Saving his own life with a “stool tool.”
TRUE STORY: In 1912 Freuchen was a member of the First Thule Expedition, which sought to test American Arctic explorer Robert Peary’s belief that a sea channel separated Peary Land, the northernmost part of Greenland, from the rest of Greenland.