Uncle John's Actual and Factual Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  When riding in a train along a standard railroad track with 39-foot rails, the number of rail-clicks you hear…

  NOTE TO SELF

  If you plan to strangle your friend with a belt, you probably shouldn’t post a photo of yourself wearing the murder weapon around your waist. Brittney Gargol, 18, probably had no idea just what a killer night out she was about to have with her 21-year-old friend Cheyenne Rose Antoine. The two young Canadians got dolled up, took a few selfies (including the one with the belt), and then went to a bar in Saskatoon. Apparently, they got pretty drunk, got into an argument, and then…off came Cheyenne’s belt. Unfortunately for Cheyenne, she tossed out the belt with the body when she dumped her BFF on the side of a road south of town. Though she posted “Where are you? Haven’t heard from you. Hope you made it home safe” on Brittney’s Facebook page to cover her tracks, an anonymous source tipped off police. That left Cheyenne with few options. She pretended she couldn’t remember the crime, pleaded guilty to manslaughter, and got away with a sentence of seven years in jail.

  JUST…DON’T DO IT

  London drug dealer Junior Francis seems to like the Nike slogan “Just Do It.” Here’s what he did: First, he bullied his way into a thriving heroin and money-laundering business. Next, he took selfies showing off huge stacks of ill-gotten bills, which he then posted to Instagram. (He was wearing a “Just Do It” T-shirt.) What kind of feedback did the 33-year-old get? Along with thanks from the police for making their job easier, Francis got six years and eight months in prison. But Detective Constable Matthew Cook got the last words: “He was ultimately undone by his vanity.”

  KINGS OF SELFIE-DUMB

  In 2015 two young men wearing black stocking caps used an iPad to video themselves fanning out $5,000 worth of hundreds at a Burger King in Houston, Texas. Then they went to Starbucks to continue the buzz by posting the video online. Too bad they didn’t understand how iCloud works. The video and 17 incriminating photos they’d taken went straight to the account of the iPad’s owner, Randy Schaefer, the man from whom they’d just stolen the iPad and the cash. Dorian Walker-Gaines, 20, and his partner-in-dumb, Dillian Thompson, 22, pled guilty to felony theft.

  NO CLEAN GETAWAY

  Posing in a tub full of cash must have seemed like good clean fun to Jeane Napoles. And posting a cash-bath selfie on social media in 2013 may have been a fun way to up the ante. Only problem: Jeane’s mom, Janet Lim-Napoles, was under investigation for being the brains behind a 10 billion peso ($230 million) embezzlement scheme by members of the Philippine parliament. Jeanne reportedly liked to share her cash-rich lifestyle in regular posts on Twitter, YouTube, and Instagram, believing that only 20-somethings such as herself are social-media savvy. Wrong. The Philippine Board of Internal Revenue follows the social exploits of citizens with questionable lifestyles. Jeane reported no income for the year 2013. That’s why she’s now facing charges for tax evasion.

  …in about 27 seconds (26.6 to be exact) is the speed of the train in miles per hour.

  SELFIE-SERVED

  A human head on a plate garnished with oranges? The image could have come straight out of the 1989 dark comedy The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover. Except it didn’t. It came out of a broken cell phone found on a street in Krasnodar, Russia. The phone belonged to Dmitry Bakshaev, 35, and his wife Natalia, 42, and was filled with gory selfies and images like the one described above. In the military hostel where the couple lived, police found a freezer stocked with packs of human body parts. The place reeked of ether, one of two drugs the pair used to put their victims to sleep. Reportedly, the Bakshaevs confessed to being cannibals, having killed and eaten 30 people. In shades of an even darker comedy (Sweeney Todd), Natalia claimed that she’d baked some of the human meat into pies and sold them to local restaurants.

  THE GANG’S ALL HERE

  There’s nothing wrong with taking selfies with the gang…unless it’s a criminal gang. For two years, the “Felony Lane Gang” conducted a nationwide operation targeting places frequented by women—day care centers, cemeteries, sporting events, parks, and gyms. Reason: when women go to these places, they often leave their purses in their cars. Purses contain valuables such as checkbooks, credit cards, driver’s licenses, and Social Security cards, exactly what the gang needed to commit identity fraud and cash stolen checks. They had a good thing going until June 23, 2015, when two gang members fleeing the scene of a car break-in flipped their car. After they were arrested, police examined their cell phones, which contained selfies of gang members showing off wads of cash, and photos of stolen driver’s licenses and Social Security cards. Though the gang operated throughout the country, their spree ended in Michigan. So far, the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Detroit has arrested and charged 10 gang members with bank fraud; each could get up to 30 years in prison.

  HE’S OUTTA THERE!

  A great relief pitcher: Ernie Shore of the Boston Red Sox. On June 23, 1917, the starting pitcher walked the first batter and was ejected from the game for arguing with the umpire. Shore came in and went on to pitch a no-hitter. The starting pitcher he replaced: Babe Ruth.

  In 1937 a legless man named Charles Zimmy, 44, swam down the Hudson River from Albany to New York City, a distance of 145 miles, in 148 hours.

  IT’S ABOUT LYME

  Chances are you don’t know a lot about Lyme disease unless you’ve had it or know someone who has. But according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 329,000 Americans are diagnosed with Lyme disease each year—more than with breast cancer and HIV/AIDS combined. So here are some inside facts about what many have called the “quiet disease.”

  THE BASICS

  •Lyme disease is a bacterial infection spread to humans by infected deer ticks, also called blacklegged ticks. Some (but not all) people develop a bull’s-eye-shaped lesion around the bite. If caught early and treated aggressively with antibiotics, the infection can be eradicated in a month or two. But if it goes untreated, Lyme disease can become chronic and lead to years of misery.

  THE HISTORY

  •One of the earliest mentions of a tick-borne disease came from a Dr. John Walker, who was visiting an island off of the west coast of Scotland in the mid-1700s. He wrote of a common aliment there that causes “exquisite pain [in] the interior parts of the limbs.” Walker was on the Isle of Jura, from an old Norse name meaning “Island of the Deer.”

  •In 1975 two doctors from the Yale School of Medicine, Allen Steere and Stephen Malawista, were sent to three small towns in Connecticut—Lyme, Old Lyme, and East Haddam—to find out why more than 50 people of all ages were suffering from what was thought to be juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. After doing blood tests and interviews, a pattern began to form: 1) Nearly all the sufferers lived on the outskirts of the towns near the forests; 2) the outbreaks occurred in early to mid-summer; and 3) 25 percent of the patients reported that, before their symptoms appeared, they were bitten by a tick and noticed a bull’s-eye-shaped lesion. Steere and Malawista became convinced that the outbreak in Lyme was caused by deer tick bites, so they named it “Lyme arthritis.” Over the next few years, it became clear that the symptoms go far beyond arthritis. So they changed the name to “Lyme disease.”

  THE SYMPTOMS

  •Lyme is considered “multisystemic.” According to Dr. Leo Galland, a Lyme disease specialist from New York:

  [The] symptoms involve many different organs, including your skin, nervous system, joints, muscles, heart, and eyes. In my medical practice, Lyme disease is the trigger for half my patients with chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia, most patients with painful neuropathies or autonomic nervous system disorders, 40% of people with dizziness, and 30% of patients with arthritis or autoimmune disorders. I’ve seen Lyme disease cause abrupt changes in personality, impaired thinking, memory loss, and panic disorder.

  •In the northeast United States, where Lyme is most prevalent, doctors are more likely to suspect Lyme disease when the common symptoms are pres
ent. However, in most other regions, where Lyme is much rarer, it can be misdiagnosed as Crohn’s disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, ALS, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer’s, colitis, encephalitis, fibromyalgia, fifth disease, motor neuron disease, arthritis, cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, lupus, prostatitis, bipolar disorder, depression, Sjogren’s syndrome, sleep disorders, thyroid disease, and more. That’s why Lyme disease is sometimes called “the Great Imitator.”

  Longest English words in which the letters are in alphabetical order: almost, biopsy, chimps, chintz, begins, and abhors.

  THE BACTERIUM

  •The life cycle of Lyme disease doesn’t begin with the tick, but with a bacterium known as Borrelia burgdorferi that infects the tick. This parasite was discovered in the early 1980s by Willy Burgdorfer, a researcher at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory, who described it as “poorly stained, rather long, irregularly coiled spirochetes.” (A spirochete is a wormlike bacterium known for its corkscrew shape.) And like most species of bacteria, B. burgdorferi has some sneaky survival mechanisms: This one produces a protein that actually fools the victim’s immune system into not producing any antibodies at first. It can even tag other beneficial bacteria to be killed.

  THE TICK

  •These bacteria infect deer ticks (Ixodes scapularis). But don’t the let the “deer” in the name fool you: the tiny ticks can latch onto any mammal and even some birds.

  •The ticks go through three stages in their two-year life span: larva, nymph, and adult. It’s usually during the nymph stage—which occurs in late spring and early summer—that Borrelia-infected ticks find their way to humans. Because the nymphs are only about the size of a poppy seed at this stage, they often go unnoticed. Result: they can feed off your blood for several days while infecting you with B. burgdorferi. Deer ticks used to be confined to the northeastern United States, but now they’ve spread across the continent, and with them, Lyme disease.

  •Infected ticks can deliver more than Lyme; many also carry bacterial co-infections—most commonly Babesia and Bartonella—that come with their own set of Lyme-like symptoms. So if you think you have Lyme disease and you get a blood test, you might get a positive result for one of the co-infections, but the Lyme result is indeterminate.

  First ship to pass through the Panama Canal (1914): the SS Ancon. It was carrying cement.

  TREATMENTS

  •The most aggressive way to treat Lyme disease is to administer the antibiotics via an IV drip, an expensive treatment that requires going to a doctor’s office for hours at a time several days a week. These intravenous treatments can cost up to $3,000 per week. (Most insurance plans cover the antibiotics in pill form only.)

  •A popular but controversial Lyme treatment: bee venom therapy. It’s said to work like this: Inject a bee-sting’s worth of venom near problem joints, and the venom kills the bacteria. There are two ways to administer it: Via bee venom in a vial that was harvested without killing the bees. (It’s actually quite clever—bees land on a screen, which has a slight electric charge that causes them to sting, and the venom falls through and the bees live to buzz another day.) The other method uses live bees…held by tweezers…and placed stinger-first onto your skin. (Sadly, it kills the bees.)

  AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION

  The best way to treat Lyme disease is to not get it in the first place.

  •Know Your Risks: Lyme-infected ticks can exist naturally anywhere in the world except Antarctica, but some areas are more prone than others. It’s best to assume that any forest or grassy meadow can have ticks, especially during the summertime.

  •Cover Up: If you’re walking through a meadow, tuck your pants into your socks, and if you’re in the woods, wear a hat and other protective clothing. And always keep an eye out for ticks, remembering that they can be as small as the period at the end of this sentence. Light-colored clothes make ticks more visible.

  •Use Bug Spray: Most Lyme disease prevention lists recommend using a spray with DEET, but according to the health website Shape, “DEET only works on your skin. Using a spray with Permethrin, a clothing-only repellent, kills ticks on contact before they even have a chance to reach a spot where they could attach.” (Another trick: bring a lint roller—you may be surprised what comes off your pants and onto the roller.)

  •Save the Tick: If you do find a tick sucking your blood, try and save it. (You can find safe tick-removal tips online.) There are laboratories where you can send the tick, so it can be tested for Lyme. If your tick tests positive for Lyme disease, you can start treatment before your symptoms appear, greatly increasing your chances of getting over it quickly. Testing the tick can also help isolate the harmful bacteria so your doctor can create a more effective antibiotic regimen.

  •Keep a Tidy Household: They’re called “deer ticks,” but the ticks that can transmit B. burgdorferi are most commonly found on mice and rats. If you have cats, then the ticks can jump from the rats to the cats…and then to you.

  •Inspect Your Kids and Pets: Remember that ticks prefer warm, dark places to feed, so if you think a tick might have attached itself to any of your family members—be they four-legged or two-legged—look in the best hiding places, including behind their ears, under their arms, in their hair, behind their knees, in their navels, even around their groins. It’s recommended that you check for ticks once a day for three days after going anywhere that you might have been exposed.

  •Use More Than Your Eyes: Tiny ticks can be tough to spot visually, but if run your fingertip over one, it might feel like a small scab. Any bumps should be inspected thoroughly.

  •Vaccinate Your Dog: There is currently no vaccine available for people, but some dogs can be vaccinated against Lyme. Ask your veterinarian for more details.

  •Know the Symptoms: Even though Lyme disease can mimic other conditions as it spreads throughout your body, the initial symptoms include “headaches, flu-like symptoms, joint pain, fatigue, and sometimes a rash.” (Bay Area Lyme Foundation)

  •Look for the Rash: But don’t rely on it. If you think you have a bull’s-eye-shaped rash (there are plenty of pictures of them online), go to a doctor right away.

  •Get Tested: Depending on where you live, you may have to convince your skeptical doctor to test for Lyme. But if you have to, insist.

  According to Finnish legend, witches roam the earth on Easter.

  This is a thing? In 2012 Kyle Johnson set a world record by holding 14 plastic Easter eggs in one hand.

  BROADWAY BOMBS

  Not every musical can be a combination of catchy songs and a compelling plot that allows it to run for years and years.

  Musical: The Civil War (1999)

  Story: Perhaps it’s because it was the bloodiest conflict in United States history. Or maybe it’s because its political ramifications still resonate painfully today. But either way, the Civil War has never been a great subject for a Broadway musical. Among the failures: My Darlin’ Aida (an adaptation of Verdi’s Aida set in the 1860s South), an off-Broadway take on Gone With the Wind, and composer Frank Wildhorn’s The Civil War. Rather than try to tell the story of the entire four-year war over a couple of hours, Wildhorn’s show was a revue made up of songs about the war—songs that sounded like 1950s rock, country, and R&B, performed by Union troops, Confederate troops, and slaves.

  Total Performances: 61

  Musical: Disaster! (2012)

  Story: It was a nostalgic romp through the 1970s, mashing up two pop-culture phenomena of the decade that didn’t age well and which few people remember fondly: disaster movies and disco music. Created by comedy writer Seth Rudetsky and character actor Jack Plotnick, Disaster! takes place at the 1979 opening of a casino/discotheque floating in New York Harbor…and then, well, disaster strikes, just like in Earthquake! or The Towering Inferno. No original songs were written for the musical. Instead, characters sang familiar disco-era classics like Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff” and Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.” Unfortunately, Disaster!
was not hot stuff…and it didn’t survive.

  Total Performances: 72

  Musical: Brooklyn (2004)

  Story: Not a musical about the history of the New York City borough, nor an adaptation of the 2015 Oscar-nominated movie. Brooklyn was a musical about a group of five garbage-covered, mentally ill homeless musicians—the self-proclaimed “City Weeds”—who live under the Brooklyn Bridge and decide to stage a musical right there on the street. (That musical is also called Brooklyn but, confusingly, it’s centered on a woman named Brooklyn.) Tasteless? Yes. Offensive? Yes. David Cote of Time Out called it “an infantile urban fable…that deserves a loud Bronx cheer.”

  Total Performances: 284

  There are more French speakers in Kinshasa, the capital of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, than there are in Paris.

  Musical: Anyone Can Whistle (1964)

  Story: Composer and lyricist Stephen Sondheim is a Broadway legend, creator of many musically complex Broadway classics, such as Into the Woods, Sweeney Todd, and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He got the biggest bomb of his career out of the way early, back in 1964. Anyone Can Whistle, which marked the Broadway debut of Angela Lansbury, is not your usual musical fare—it’s about a town that concocts a fake miracle (a rock that spouts water) in order to attract tourists and their money. Then there’s a breakout at the insane asylum. New York Times critic Howard Taubman said that Sondheim wrote “several pleasing songs, but not enough of them to give the musical wings.”