Your friend,
Ginger
P.S I think about what might have been sometimes as well.
Caspian
Using my keycard, I unlock the door to the suite that the guys and I will be sharing for the next few days. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen each other which means a late night of catching up. We have to be in Manchester in the morning for the Bonnaroo Music Festival. It’s our third year playing and a big gig for us. The door swings open before I have a chance to turn the handle. Fiz throws his arms around me
“Caspian, buddy. It’s about time you got here. We were about to go down to 4th street for the world’s greatest hotdogs!”
“Sounds good.” I drop my stuff by the door and walk into the main room. After that long flight, I’m starved, but we need to practice a bit before the night is over so we don’t bomb at the festival. Aly, Leo, and Booker are all sitting on the couch. As soon as I enter, the room quiets, and they all turn my way.
“What’s going on?” I give them all a questioning glance. Booker sits back uncomfortably and puts his hands behind his head. “Why do I get the feeling that everyone was just talking about me?”
Leo snorts and kicks the wooden coffee table in the middle of the room causing it to creak and move a few inches. “Because we were.”
A lump forms in the back of my throat. “Did I do something wrong?”
“God, no. You’re just fine.” Aly insists. She sits up tall, but still looks tiny next to Booker. “Something has happened.”
“Are you okay?” I immediately move to her other side and grab her hands. She’s shaking, and all I want to do is calm her. She pulls her hands out of my grasp and looks down at the ground.
“I’m fine.” Her voice is meek. I look over at Booker, who looks just as—what can describe the look I’m seeing in both their eyes—guilty?
Booker’s hand moves to Aly’s thigh.
“Aly and I are together now.”
I want to laugh, but it feels as though my heart has stopped. Aly was my first love, and in a way, I will always love her. I want to feel something, but there are so many feelings churning inside of me I can’t decide how to feel. I don’t have a right to be upset. I broke up with her, but I also gave up someone I cared about for her. I should have known. There were signs I ignored. Secret glances. Things like that.
“How long?” I ask.
Aly tries to touch me but I curl back and push her away with my hand. “How long? Were you sleeping with him while we were together?” I demand.
Booker stands up and puts his hands against my chest. “Don’t you fuckin’ push her!”
Aly wipes away a few tears. “A few weeks, I swear. We’re in love, Cas. I never planned to fall in love with him, but it happened, and we never wanted you to get hurt.”
At least they weren’t together before I broke up with her, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. “I’m glad you’re happy, Aly.” My eyes turn up towards Booker. “And you. You made me promise not to do anything that might jeopardize this band.”
“I can’t help who I fell in love with.” Booker holds his hands up and takes a step back.
I never get angry, but now the emotions are rushing in. I struggle to calm my shaking hands. All the floodgates are open. “And I can’t help how, when, or who I fell in love with either!”
Aly tries to reach out for me again. “Cas, please understand.”
“I understand,” I say with an even voice. I gave up Ginger for both of them. To spare Aly’s feelings. To make sure Booker’s dreams weren’t crushed. “I told you to move on, Aly. I just didn’t think you’d do it with my best friend. You two were the most important people in my life, but not anymore.”
“We still care about you.” Aly drops her head and begins to cry.
“We’re leaving the band,” Booker tells me. “After the music festival this weekend, Aly and I are going off on our own. It will make things easier for all of us.”
Just like that? I don’t say a word. I only walk from the room, letting the door slam behind me. I faintly hear Fiz yell something about still wanting to get hotdogs. I can’t eat. My stomach flips like I’m gonna throw up, and my throat is closing up. I can’t think clearly. I’m not sure where to go, but somehow I find myself in the hotel bar.
“Vodka chilled,” I tell the bartender. I sit down on the barstool and try to gather my thoughts. I’ve been so stupid. I’ve been afraid of love, afraid of everything that came with it. Now it’s too late. Ginger has already moved on. As a glass filled with liquid is set in front of me, I reach out and contemplate drinking it. It’s been a long time since I’ve drank. All that hard work. Screw it. I let the liquid flow down my throat, and a release inside my head clicks into place. I slam the empty glass down on the bar and motion for another. Someone sits down beside me. It’s Leo.
“Cas. Please don’t do this.”
“What’s there to stay sober for? I lost my best friend, the girl I love, and my band today.”
“I didn’t think you were still into Aly. I mean…”
Another shot is put in front of me. I swallow it and wait for the burn to stop before I speak. “I’m not in love with Aly. It was Ginger. It was always Ginger, but I couldn’t be with her. I didn’t want to upset Aly by getting into another relationship so fast. Five years of my life with that girl. She didn’t even bat an eye to hook up with my best friend.”
Another drink is set in front of me, but before I can grab it, Leo moves it out of my reach.
“Aly batted many eyes,” he tells me. “Aly has been heartbroken over the break up for months. I don’t think either of them meant to hurt you. It was a shitty thing, yes. You know Booker, he can be a jerk. He does what he wants.”
“Gimme that.” I take the drink from him and tip my head back to finish it off.
“Don’t do this. You have a talent for singing and writing songs that people love. Booker may be my brother, but he doesn’t have the unique shit you do. He can beat on a drum, so what? Aly can keep everyone in line and could literally be the next Mozart, but we would be nowhere without your voice and songs. Don’t give up now.”
“Thanks.” Leo is a cool dude. He’s come a long way from the kid who used to poop in his diapers. I can already feel the alcohol making its way through my blood, numbing the pain, and making me feel lightheaded.
“Come on, let’s get you upstairs. We still have to get through this music festival with no one killing each other.” Leo puts an arm around me and helps me get back up to the room. I’m surprised the vodka has hit my system so fast.
“I’m never going to be good enough for her. Look at me. I can’t even have a bad day without screwing it all up and drinking. This is who I really am, just an alcoholic.”
“You can’t expect to be perfect. Everyone messes up. Doesn’t make you any less of a person.”
“I’m not good enough…” Once I’m in my bed, Leo leaves me alone to sleep it off, but I can’t get comfortable. I grab my phone and attempt to write Ginger an email.
June 5th 11:00 P.M
Ginger,
I was very surprised to get your email yesterday. A good surprise though. I have to admit, I thought you might have forgotten about me. I’ve had a kind of bad night. Aly and Booker announced tonight that they have begun dating and are leaving the band. I can’t say that I’m surprised. There were lots of signs, and even though we have been broken up for over five months, a part of me feels betrayed. It’s like I’m losing a piece of my soul, but I suppose it’s time to move on. Tell Quinn and Chase congratulations for me. I have Bonnaroo Music Festival this weekend. It’s our first gig since our tour, and our last gig it seems. We played last year, and it was amazing. Hope everything is going good. Talk to you soon.
Cas
June 5th 11:35 P.M
Cas,
You mean to tell me after all Booker did to keep us apart and to keep your band afloat; he hooks up with Aly himself? Pretty shitty friend, if you ask me. I
began filming the new season of Timelines this week. My workload isn’t too huge this summer. It helps because I’m the maid of honor and have to plan a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, and help with the wedding. I hope your festival is going good. I went a few times growing up in Tennessee, and I remember how crazy it can get. Don’t accept drinks from strangers and keep it in your pants. Too many memories and far too many stories. It isn’t safe to say more. ;) I do miss you. I hope your night gets better.
Ginger.
June 5th 11:40 P.M
Ginger,
I’m a little curious about your Bonnaroo trip now. Did it involve anything sexy or illegal? I’ll get over this Aly and Booker thing. I’m lying in bed drunk right now. My first drink in about a year. I’m pissed at myself for doing it. I hardly hesitated. Does that make me a bad person? I shouldn’t be upset with Aly or Booker for moving on. I should be happy for them. Right?
Cas
June 6th 12:05 A.M
Caspian,
You’ve been together so long, and it has to be crushing, but you once told me they are like your family. That means you should forgive them right? If you need anything, please let me know. I’m worried about you now. You were doing so well at not drinking! I hope someone is there taking care of you like you did for me. I wish I were there.
Ginger
June 6th 1:00 A.M
Ginger,
I am fine. Please don’t worry. It was only a few drinks. I’m so depressed about it that I doubt I’ll do it again. I’ll forgive my family if you can forgive yours. I wish you were here as well. Sleep well.
Cas
Caspian: I thought I would text you. It’s easier.
Ginger: You should be sleeping.
Caspian: I can’t sleep.
Ginger: Are you okay?
Caspian: A little bruised, but I will be fine.
Ginger: You know, you’re typing really good for a drunk guy.
Caspian: I’m sobering. I miss you.
Ginger: You’re hurt and drunk.
Caspian: Distract me.
Ginger: I was wondering…if you take a selfie on a toilet. Would it be called a shitsie?
Caspian: LOL
Ginger: I sleep with the bathroom light on because I’m afraid of the dark.
Caspian: Really?
Ginger: I’m one of those girls who has had her wedding planned since she was10.
Caspian: That’s just sad.
Ginger: I killed my hamster when I was 5.
Caspian: Tell me you’re joking. That’s awful.
Ginger: I was playing doctor and gave him my brother’s antibiotics.
Caspian: WHAT?
Ginger: I was 5!
Caspian: Would that even hill a hamster?
Ginger: How do you hill a hamster? And I dunno, but he died the next day.
Caspian: *kill. I meant kill. I’m thoroughly distracted by Ginger “the hamster killer”
Ginger; Good, my job is done. Go to bed. Sleep it off.
Caspian: Cheers, my Deena. And don’t wrinkle your nose at me.
Ginger: Night ;)
June 8th 12:30 P.M
Ginger,
How are you? I’ve sent you a few text messages with no reply. I miss our late night messaging. You don’t have to forgive your parents, just a suggestion. Did I make you mad?
Cas
June 10th 8:30 P.M
Caspian,
Sorry. I’ve been so busy with work. I’m off for the weekend, and in Nashville with Quinn and the baby doing some wedding planning. I miss talking to you as well. I got your texts, but never had a chance to reply. The second I pressed reply a call would come through or I’d have to do something. Maybe we can get together soon? Are you still in Nashville? What are you doing?
Ginger
June 11th 7:00 A.M
Ginger,
I just left Nashville and am in Atlanta this week doing some final touches on a few songs I wrote for a friend. We just missed each other. Maybe we can still meet? You’re not that far away. I’m calling you in an hour. I’ll give you time to wake up.
Cas
Ginger
“Hey there.” I put the phone to my ear and ducked into one of the side rooms away from where Collin is crying. The poor thing is teething, and we haven’t had a moment of silence since we touched down in Nashville.
“My Deena, How are you?”
I let Caspian’s voice fill me. It’s been way too long since I’ve heard him. For the longest time, I didn’t even have the nerve to listen to his music. It affected me, but it’s tolerable now.
“I’m fine. How are you?” As I wait for his answer, I sit down at one of the exquisitely decorated place settings and fiddle with a fork.
“Good, just got done mixing some songs for some friends. Working on a few songs of my own.”
“Really? That’s amazing. I’m glad to hear you’re doing good.”
“Yeah. It’s a little side project. Just for fun, you know. How about you? Is everything okay?”
“Oh, I’m just helping Quinn pick out some wedding stuff. Cake, linens, the usual. I’m keeping busy with work. Staying out of trouble.”
“Glad to hear. So she’s getting married in Nashville, huh?” His voice sounds a bit sad.
“Yup. In just a few months.”
There’s this moment where neither of us say anything. I’m thinking about the day we met. Maybe he is too. It’s only a mile from where we are now, and I’m tempted to drive past.
“Do you remember?” I begin.
“I remember, and I’ll always love that town because of it. I’ll think of the most beautiful girl I met in Music City.”
“I ate fast food with you,” I tell him.
“And wasn’t it the best?”
“I’m gonna die a year early because of it, but yeah it was really good.”
I switch the phone to my other ear. This longing, this pain in my heart should have subsided after all these months. I distanced myself. I kept myself busy so that I didn’t have to think of him, but it still hurts. Hurts just as bad as the first day and every day after.
“Ginger?”
“Huh?”
“I wish I could see you, but the flight is almost a grand, and there aren’t any nonstop flights until tomorrow. I’m not gonna be able to make it.”
Even if I wanted to see him, finding the time would’ve been hard. Quinn and I have to squeeze about a million things into our weekend trip, and I have to be back in LA on Monday. Though, Quinn would have canceled her entire wedding if it meant I could see Caspian.
“That’s too bad. Maybe some other time?” I try to not sound so disappointed because, after all, this was a long shot. We’re always so close, but never on the same page.
“Soon. I promise.”
“I’m gonna hold you to that.”
“Cheers, Deena.”
“Goodbye.”
I turn around to see Quinn standing there with three different white linens draped across her shoulders.
“Who was on the phone?” she asks.
I hide the phone in my purse and give her a fake grin. She can’t see how much Caspian still affects me. I don’t even want to acknowledge it. I take a deep breath to gain composure before speaking. “No one important. Did you pick out a table cloth yet?”
She holds up some of the fabric only inches from her face. “They all look the same.”
“Quinn, they aren’t. This one is white, this one is off-white, and this one is an antique white.”
“Like I said, they all look the same.”
Grabbing the linens off her body, I toss them on the table. “What would you do without me? You’re going with the antique white. It’s more classic.”
“That reminds me, are you bringing a date to the wedding?”
I give her the stink eye. “Really? Who would I bring?”
“I don’t know. You and Tucker seem to spend a lot of time together.”
“We’re just friends.�
� I don’t know what she’s getting at, but she better back down.
“You could always ask Caspian to go with you.”
“Again, just friends. Anytime I’m friends with a guy the tabloids say I’m pregnant or engaged. So, no. No friendly dates.”
“But Cas—”
At the mention of his name, I lose my cool. It’s not long before my hands fly through the air. “Yes, let’s invite the guy who broke my heart to your wedding. If I ever, ever see him again. There’s a good possibility I won’t ever get over him.”
I fan my face with my hands to keep from crying. I won’t do this again, but the heat threatens to spill over.
Quinn grabs my hands and holds them still. “As I’ve said before, the right guy will come. Be patient.”
“I’ve been patient. I’ve been dating since I was fourteen. Guy after guy after guy. I’m sick of it. You can’t understand. You’ve been with two guys who all worshiped the ground you walked on.”
“Hey, now listen.”
I interrupt her by snapping my fingers in front of her face.
“No, you listen. I felt something with Caspian.” I reach up to my neck and tug at the imaginary fabric that feels to be choking me. “There was this moment when we first met. We were in my hotel room sitting on the bed, and he put his hand on my leg. He told me that I wasn’t as stuck up as I tried to make everyone believe or something like that. I felt safe, open, and unjudged with him. I’ve never felt that way with any other guy.”
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