“No. Don’t you dare do that. Don’t compare the two. They’re nothing alike. You shouldn’t trust me. Don’t ever let a man treat you badly and take it.” His words were sharp and I recoiled from him. I just looked at him with confusion and hurt.
“I’m sorry. I’m to blame for this. This isn’t something you should just accept, Lanie. I want to explain everything and then you can decide. But just don’t forgive me. I deserve your anger.”
“Grant, what did you do?”
“Please. Let me have this moment with you. Just this one last moment like this.” His eyes were moist and he looked like someone had just killed his puppy right there in front of him. I couldn’t stand to see him like that, but his words were scaring the shit out of me. Did he sleep with her? If he did, could I forgive him or would I be able to live without him? Did he even still want me?
“Don’t you want to be with me anymore? Don’t you want us to be together? What you’re saying sounds so final. Grant, you have to tell me what happened.”
“Lanie, please,” he begged. “We can talk tomorrow, just not now. We need to recover a bit before we go through all this again. The hurt. The tears. Before I break your heart all over again.”
I couldn’t stand it. He was killing me. But seeing his guilt and hurt, affected me so much more. I needed him.
I grabbed his face and crushed my mouth to his, sliding my tongue over his lips and then thrusting it inside. My need to feel him kiss me back was alarming. I became so desperate I couldn’t hold back and was all over him. Throwing myself at him. I needed to feel his desire for me. But more than that, I needed to know it was only me he wanted.
He pushed me back. I was immediately flushed with hurt and embarrassment.
“You don’t want me?” I squeaked as the tears began to form in my eyes.
“Oh, Lanie. You have to know I want you. I want to make love to you so badly, so deeply, I’d consume every cell of you down to your soul. I just don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.” Again his words tore at me. He was pushing me away. He was making excuses not to touch me back.
“Are you in love with her? Is that why you won’t touch me? You don’t want me anymore.” I blurted my fears right out.
“What? Are you insane, Lanie? How could you think that? What’s wrong with you?” He laughed his words out but his entire statement sounded dark.
“Then why? Why won’t you make love to me?”
“Lanie, is that what you want? To make love to me and then hear what happened when I was away? Then our lovemaking would be degrading to you. You would regret it instantly. I don’t want you to feel that way. I’ve caused you enough pain.” With that, he covered his face and turned away from me.
My heart was racing. I broke out into a cold sweat. What the fuck did he do? Now I was even more in need of his kiss, his touch. I needed to feel him inside me. I would be able to tell everything he was feeling if we were intimate. I pulled my panties off and jumped up on top of him, straddled him and began to remove my nightgown. I literally ripped it over my head. He was wearing only boxers and I could tell my body on top of him was exciting him.
“Lanie, please don’t. I can’t resist you. You know I can’t.” He reached out to touch me, but his hands just hovered oddly in front of him. He was holding himself back but I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I grabbed his hands and put them on my breasts, forcing him massage them. I ground my hips against him. He would start to respond on his own and then stop. But there was one place he had no control over and I could feel that Cannoli wasn’t holding back. I knew I needed to concentrate my efforts on the area beneath me, so I reached down and began to pull his boxers off.
“Lanie. Don’t. Please. Oh God, Lanie.”
Grant’s eyes were pleading, but I wasn’t able to process if he wanted me to stop or keep going. I knew what I had to do.
I ran my tongue up his thigh slowly, keeping my eyes on his face.
“Lanie. You know how I feel about that. I want your mouth on me, badly, but I will not let it degrade you.”
“Shhh. Don’t speak.” And now I sounded like he did in my dream. This made me even more desperate. I crawled back on top of him and began to slide myself against him. The heat was so intense. He groaned softly and that’s when I knew I had broken his resistance. I leaned over and kissed him, wanting his lips to respond. He didn’t move. He lay underneath me like a prisoner being tortured.
“Grant, make love to me right now. And please kiss me back! Show me you still love me.”
His eyes widened and his lips parted like I’d said something insulting beyond belief. He grabbed my hips and pushed me down onto him, sliding into me fast and hard. He rolled us over and pulled me so close to him I wasn’t sure how we’d be able to move together. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled us closer still. It was like we were trying to pull the other inside.
He covered my face and neck in kisses while he slowly made love to me, pushing deeper inside of me than I thought possible. I felt like he was trying to reach my heart. I pushed back. I wanted it; wanted him to wash any remnants of her off of him with my body. He crashed his mouth over mine and thrust his tongue deep inside. We were totally connected. We had become one. We became feverish; all our emotions poured out into each other. I felt his need and desire for me along with a tear on my face. Now I could feel his love for me, too.
“Babe, what’s this all about?” I said when I reached out to wipe another tear away.
“I’m so afraid this is going to be the last time we make love, Lanie. My heart is so full for you and I’m so scared you’ll never put that ring back on your finger. I’m sorry I’m being so emotional. I just love you that much. To lose you …would be unbearable.” He was tormenting himself, punishing himself for whatever had happened. I began to feel apprehensive about what the truth held and was afraid he had taken things all the way with her.
I wanted to comfort him and for him to know that everything could be worked out, that it would be. I pulled his face to mine, looked him in the eyes and kissed him deeply. We kept the eye contact. I felt him sigh into my mouth and I inhaled his breath deep into my lungs, wanting to breathe him into my soul.
We made love slowly and passionately now. Touching everywhere; not able to get enough of the other.
“Lanie, I don’t want this to end. Not ever.” Just his statement alone threw me over the edge. We held each other for dear life, not letting go for quite some time.
When the room was completely lit from the sun, I finally loosened my grip on him.
“Grant. I love you more than you’ll ever fully comprehend. I need to know what happened now. We need to talk.”
His peaceful expression returned to pain and he averted his eyes.
“Let’s get dressed and go down to the beach. We can talk there. Is that okay?” He sounded dejected.
“Yeah. It’s fine. I need to go back to my place to get dressed. I’ll meet you by the path in about fifteen minutes.”
He nodded and released me slowly, like he was afraid to let me go. I put my hand on his heart.
“This is mine. It will always be mine. Yes?”
He nodded again. I kissed him and left. I headed right to my room, waving off Dane’s questions when I got into the house. I threw on a t-shirt, pair of jeans and my favorite sneakers. I grabbed two travel mugs of coffee and I headed off to meet Grant by the path down to the beach. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a button down casual shirt with a t-shirt underneath. He looked hot and sad at the same time. He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile. I walked up to him, handed him his coffee, grabbed his other hand in mine and pulled him to the path to head down.
We walked in silence. Every time I looked at him he was watching me. About ten minutes later we were on the beach. I sat down in the sand and patted a place next to me. He opted to sit opposite me with his back to the ocean. It reminded me of the first dream in the walk. I was happy we weren’t on the edge.
“I know, Babe. I love you too. It’s just … from the way you’ve been acting since you got back … this is going to be bad, isn’t it?”
“Lanie, I’ll understand if you never forgive me. Know I won’t be with another woman again. There is only you for me. It will only ever be you.” What the hell did he mean by ‘I won’t be with another woman again?’
“Grant, you’re scaring me. You sound like you’re saying goodbye. Don’t.”
“You need to hear. You need to know everything before you decide it’s going to be okay.”
My heart felt like it stopped beating and I tried to brace myself for the worst. I nodded for him to begin. I looked down at my ring finger and realized I still hadn’t put my ring back on. Would I after this?
“Lanie, after we got off the phone, Brianna called me. She was hysterically crying and threatening to hurt herself. I couldn’t just turn my back on her. I wouldn’t let anyone stay in that state. So I went to her room to calm her down, to help her. I know you would’ve been upset if I told you, so I just didn’t.”
“I understand. You’re a kind person, Grant. I’m not happy you didn’t tell me, but I get it. And?”
“When I got there, she …”
Chapter 42
I Was Close Enough
“… was very drunk, much more than she was when you saw her on webcam. She was a mess. Freaking out. Something about her father, and you threatening to call him. She kept saying how her life was over and that she should just end it. I couldn’t leave any woman like that.”
“You’re compassionate, Grant. That’s not a crime. It was very chivalrous of you to do that.” The words that came out of my mouth were true, but deep inside I felt the sharp pang of jealousy that he had gone to comfort another woman. Was I wrong? Maybe if she hadn’t tried to undress for him right in front of me. That woman deserved to be freaking out and crying. And in the back of my mind, she knew exactly what she was doing. She was a liar and conniver and she had used us both. My anger was totally focused on Brianna right now. I was starting to boil inside.
“Go on.” My voice sounded stern. I didn’t want it to. I reached out and touched his hand and made an I’m-an-ass-sometimes-and-sorry-face. Hell, we’ve all made them.
“She ended up crying in my arms. And she pleaded with me to stay.”
“I see.”
“I told her no, Lanie, and she cried even harder. She asked if I would just stay until she fell asleep. So I agreed. I went over to the couch. She went to her bed. I rolled over and put my back to her. I heard rustling and then the lights were out.”
“So you slept on the couch in her room? That’s what this is all about?” I let out a huff of relief and I could feel a small smile begin to cross my face.
“Lanie.”
And all the relief flew out the window hearing him say my name. It wasn’t going to be that innocent.
“Okay. Finish.” I wouldn’t look at him now. I was afraid to. I was afraid for him to see the expression on my face or for me to see the one on his.
“She started crying again. I told her everything would be fine and to go to sleep. She wouldn’t stop. She asked me to come over. She said she wanted to feel a human touch. She said she needed to feel warmth from someone, anyone. She went on about her father and how he was going to destroy her once you got done talking to him. I felt badly for her.”
My stomach knotted.
“So, I did. I sat down on the edge of the bed. She asked me to hold her. I hesitated. I didn’t feel any attraction toward her. She was a mess. I didn’t know what harm it would cause.”
My head began to throb.
“I laid down next to her and spooned her.”
“How close were you spooning her?” It was all I could get out. I was now focused back on Grant.
“I was close enough.”
I felt sick to my stomach.
“Why would you even do that? Why? Why would you spoon her?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I just felt bad. You should have heard her crying. She was lying down and it was awkward to hold her any other way.”
“And I guess I’m the bad guy here, right? Making it all okay for you to spoon another woman? Your mean old wife out to hurt her while waiting for you at home?” Crap. I had referred to myself as his wife. He shot his gaze to mine.
“No. You were by no means the bad guy. I’m sure you were justified in anything that happened between you two. Well, anyway. I fell asleep, holding her. I was on the outside of the sheet. She was underneath. Sometime in the very early morning, I realized I was under the covers with her. I must have crawled under them in my sleep. We were still spooning. She wasn’t dressed.”
“You were in bed, pressed up against her, holding her and she was naked.” It wasn’t a question. I just couldn’t fathom what I was hearing come out of his mouth. I thought maybe if it came out of my mouth I would believe it. He lowered his head. I just stared, waiting.
“I became aroused, it happens to guys. I was half asleep, I don’t know, Lanie, but the next thing I knew …”
I bit my lip so hard I could taste blood in my mouth. I got up quickly and began to walk away knowing what was coming next. He’d slept with her. He’d cheated on me, so easily. She didn’t even have to try. I meant nothing to him if he could do that.
“Lanie, please don’t go. Please let me tell you. I have to tell you the truth,” he called. I stopped in my tracks. I had to decide if when I heard him say it out loud if I would forgive him and have him in my world, or end it. There was no in between. None. I felt my heart pulling me to Grant. I turned and walked back.
“Please sit back down.”
“No. I don’t want to sit. Just finish this,” I said sharply.
“The next thing I knew she was grinding up against me and for a moment, I responded.”
I looked away from him. Damn, my heart was hurting. My breath got caught in my throat.
“How much did you respond?”
“I let her. I let her rub against me. And then she started to turn over and I saw her face; it all hit me. I pulled away. It was only seconds, I swear. I jumped out of bed and told her it was a mistake, that I was half asleep. She told me to come back. She told me she wouldn’t tell.”
I stood there, shocked. Nothing. I was numb. Frozen.
“Lanie, please tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Did you go back?”
“No! I grabbed my things and I left. I went back to my room and was going to call you. I felt so guilty—I had to hear your voice. But I left my cell phone in her room and there was no way I was going back to get it. Then I couldn’t call you. I couldn’t. I didn’t speak or see her again until that morning at the meeting.”
“And the kiss?”
“She came over and kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back, didn’t respond at all. I thought she would get the idea. Women hate rejection. It was the worst thing I could do.”
“You seemed all chummy with her during the meeting.”
“Lanie, I was being professional,” Grant stared blankly.
“Nothing about what you did was professional.” Now I was pissed.
“That’s all you have to say about all of this? I was unprofessional?” Grant almost sounded disturbingly amused.
“No, that’s not all. You were unfaithful, too.” I stomped my foot as I threw those words at him. And with that, I stormed away. I began to run.
But I didn’t run back to the cliff. I ran the opposite direction, where no one would be able to find me. I didn’t want to be found. I just needed to cool down by myself. I had to get my head around what he said. I had a lot of thinking to do.
I walked along a long overgrown path. None of us had used this path since we were young. There were tangled roots beneath my feet, which made me stumble repeatedly because I wasn’t thinking about walking rig
ht now. I would stumble, curse and then breathe in a bunch of those quick I’ve-been-crying-and-I-can’t-catch-my-breath inhales.
I neared the area of the path that came around the edge of the opposite cliff from ours. I had a perfect view of the ocean and our houses. I was high above the beach and our houses looked smaller from here, like dollhouses. Well, this place was as good as any. I sat down on the path with my back against the rock wall. I was glad I brought my denim jacket.
I reached inside the front inside pocket and pulled out my pack of emergency cigarettes. Then I quickly panicked while patting all my other pockets looking for some means to make fire. Found it, my cobalt blue gem lighter. It was so gaudy, but I loved it just the same. Grant had given it to me. We had been known to sneak smokes together over the years. My heart wrenched in my chest.
The Cliff Page 38