Grant. I lit the cigarette and took a long drag. It made me feel a little lightheaded. It had been a long time since I had one and this pack was probably a little bit stale. I didn’t care. I suddenly wished I had a six-pack of beer or something stronger to go with it.
I needed to look at this rationally. But since that wasn’t going to happen, I decided to just blurt crap out, out loud. This little exercise began a conversation (well more like an argument) with my head, mouth and heart.
“He didn’t sleep with her.”
Well, technically he DID sleep with her.
“Fine. He didn’t have sex with her. He did sleep next to her.”
He slept wrapped around her all night holding her close, spooning even, and she was naked.
Yeah, my head was a bitch.
“Yes. I know. Stop reminding me, because it makes me picture it in my head; her naked against him, rubbing against him. I don’t know why he did that. I can’t understand why he would not see that as cheating.”
Because he’s a gentleman and he was coming to the rescue of a maiden in need.
“Make your fucking mind up! Are you on his side or mine?”
Mine of course. I do want to still be with him, don’t I?
“Yes. I love him. I don’t care. He didn’t have sex with her. So he really didn’t cheat.”
But he showed her an intimate tenderness that is reserved only for you. Isn’t that emotional cheating?
“Stop. I can’t bear picturing it. I can’t do it. He’s mine, not hers. She had no right to behave like that with him!”
No reply. I burst into tears. How was I going to get over this? The jealousy in my heart was destroying me. I was broken. But without him I was even worse. How would I ever be able to get past this?
The same way he got past seeing you fucking Dane!
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up, and shut up. Shut the fuck up!” I put my hands over my ears to stop the words. But it didn’t do me any good; the words were in my head. Echoing over and over again.
I covered my face with my hands and cried for a very long time. I shut my brain off and let everything pour out. I chain-smoked. I wondered if Grant had done the same thing when he saw me with Dane. I knew it was different. But in matters of the heart, was it really? Was it different in Grant’s head? No. I’m sure it crushed him. Every time he would make love to me, would he think about Dane being inside me? Would I think about Brianna every time he spooned me?
This led to a whole new line of thinking. Had it been her that got him hard that morning or was it just a morning thing? Did she feel his arousal and think it was for her? Did he let her rub against him because he was half asleep, and didn’t realize it was her and not me? Or did it feel good to have another woman rubbing against his dick and that made him let her continue? Why did he stop her? Did he really stop her? How long is a few seconds? Was he touching her back when she rubbed him?
I could tell this was going to be a no win situation between me and me. Maybe I did want some help to work through this, but the only person I wanted was Grant. He was the only one who could make this all better. Still wasn’t sure he’d be able to. Honestly, it was something I needed to come to terms with on my own. I either had to be without Grant forever, or be able to let go of what had happened. And if I chose to break things off with Grant, what would become of us? Would we still be close after everything that had transpired between us over the past few months? Would one of us leave the cliff? Would we be able to watch the other fall in love with someone else? Would either of us be able to fall in love with someone else?
Crap. More questions. I needed answers, not questions. I ripped my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Grant. I heard him pick up and take a breath in. But before he could speak, I jumped in.
“We’re going one for one. But this time, I’m asking all the questions and you just answer. Simple answers. I need answers. Okay?”
I heard nothing for a second on the other end of the phone.
“Grant?”
“Sorry. I just … hearing your voice, that you’re even just reaching out to me … it gives me hope that there’s still a chance for us.”
I was going for broke here, so I just went for the whole thing.
“Your arousal, was it because it was her or just something different from me? Was it her in particular or would any woman excite you?”
“God no, Lanie. I was half asleep. I was a bit groggy and disoriented. I was dreaming of you.” This last part he said under his breath, but I heard it. It was what I needed. But I was sure he didn’t want to sound like he was mirroring my ‘I thought it was you.’
“So you didn’t get hard because she was rubbing against you?”
“I didn’t even realize I was until she was rubbing against me.”
“And how long did that happen for? How long did you let her?”
“As soon as I realized what was happening, I stopped her. It was for mere seconds only.”
“Did you like it?”
“What?”
“Did you like her rubbing against you? It’s not that hard a question, Grant!” I was pissed and snapped.
“No! It made me sick to my stomach. When I realized it was her, I wasn’t excited anymore. That took even less time.” He was aggravated. It almost sounded like he was pissed at me for asking.
“When she did that, were you … touching her? Did you rub back? Squeeze? Kiss?”
“No! Nothing. I didn’t do anything.”
“You held her all night. Did you think there was something wrong with that? Did you honestly think it was okay to hold another woman like that? Would you like it if I slept in another man’s arms? Would you?”
Silence.
“No. I wouldn’t like it at all. Not one bit. And yes, I was doubting my decision the whole time. I’m a fool, Lanie. I’m a stupid fucking idiot. I betrayed you.” He obviously had remorse over what he had done. He was punishing himself. He must be convinced we were over.
“You did betray me. How can I ever trust you again?”
“I don’t know, but you can. The thought of losing you, Lanie, I can’t do it. Please. Please don’t leave me, Lanie. I’ll do anything you want. Anything you need. Please.” He was begging now.
“I’m not ready to answer that yet.”
Silence.
“Grant?”
“Lanie, please tell me there’s a chance for us. I didn’t feel anything for her. I was wrong in everything I did. But there is only you for me. The thought of this whole thing sickens me. I know I fucked up; royally fucked up, Lanie. How can I make it better? How can I prove to you how much I love you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Lanie, I hate to play hard ball, but I’m going to. I have no choice because I have to step up and take any shot I have at this not ending us. I’ll do anything not to lose you.”
“Be very careful, Grant,” I warned.
“Lanie, I believed you when you told me what happened between you and Dane was basically him forcing himself on you, that you thought it was me. I trusted you. I believed it. And believe me, it tore me down to the core to see you making love to another man. Now I understand it’s not the same thing here, but in the same respect, I slept next to her, not with her. I did nothing else with her. All you have in your head is an imaginary image, and the feelings of jealousy that I even let it get that far. I, however, will always know you were completely intimate with Dane. That he had you, kissed, touched and fucked you. I have it in my head because I saw it. Now, I don’t hold that against you at all. But my head wants to explode every time he’s near you. I can feel my blood boil when he even looks at you. And I wonder all the time, did you like it? Do you secretly want him? Do you think about him that way still? When you’re making love to me, do you ever think about him? And before you say anything … Dane has gone out of his way to redeem himself. And I owe him that chance. He’s been doing everything he can to help us through this, to help you through this. And ye
s, I still wonder if it’s because he wants you. Now that it’s all out in the open, please have at it.”
“I … I don’t know what to say.” Fuck. I didn’t. I wanted to rip into him for using that against me. Who the fuck did he think he was? But hell, he finally told me how it really made him feel. He was seeing it in his head all the time. Shit. How could he still be with me and stand to see Dane and I being friends?
And then I really thought about what he’d said. He was right. This put us on the same playing field. He knew what I was going through. He understood what this did to me. And for the first time, I finally understood what he felt. I finally understood what he’d gone through. Was still going though, apparently. And it sucked. I took a deep breath, stood up and started to head back towards our cliff.
“Okay. You win.”
“No, Lanie, I don’t want to win. I want everything to be back to the way it was right before I left. I want my fiancé back; want my future wife to love me again. Hell, I want you to be my future wife again. I didn’t say all of that to make what happened with you and Dane even worse. And I certainly didn’t say it to lessen what I did, either. I wanted you to understand that I get it. Does that make sense?”
“Yes. Everything you said made sense,” I said as I continued to jog back to the cliff. I was almost there.
“So where does that leave us? I mean, Lanie, do you even still love me?”
“How the hell can you even ask me that? You must really not have any faith in my love for you if you think I could just stop. I mean, mad or not, hurt or not, I never stopped loving you. It just made all the feelings more intense.”
Now I was running toward his house.
“Where are you?”
“I’m at my house in the back. Why?”
“I just wanted to know.”
“Lanie, where does this leave us?” I was rounding the corner to his back yard.
“It leaves us right here.” I was standing in front of him. He looked up at me with the phone still to his ear and slowly lowered it. As soon as he smiled at me, I threw myself into his arms. He immediately responded and covered my face and neck with kisses.
“I love you. I don’t want to lose you. I need you. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t choose another woman over me.”
Crap was coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even mean to say. I was mad at him. I wanted to yell at him; tell him what a schmuck he was. But I couldn’t do it. All the fears came out first. The hurt little girl trying to do what makes everyone else feel better so she doesn’t have to deal with a hurtful confrontation.
“Lanie, I love you and never want to lose you, either. And I would never choose another woman over you. Never. Do you hear me? I made an awful mistake. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.”
“No sleeping next to anyone else ever again but me. Never. And you’ll never speak to her again. Promise me.”
“I’ll never speak to her again. I promise you that. I’ll never sleep next to anyone but you, and Woof, and our children when they’re babies, or afraid of a storm, or having a nightmare. That is, if we’re in a place to discuss children.”
“Yes. I still want to marry you. Yes, I want to have your babies. But … I think we have a long road of healing ahead of us, both of us.”
I was cradled in his lap now. There was no other place I wanted to be in the world. This is where I belonged, with Grant. And I was still pissed to all hell at him for being so stupid and unthinking as to lay with her. Now I was mad again, giving myself whiplash from my massive emotional swings.
“Can we make it through this?” He looked me straight in the eyes when he said it. They were questioning and sincere and it looked like he didn’t really know if I was on board or not yet.
“I don’t know. But I’m willing to try. I love you that much. But I’m not ready to put my ring back on yet. We have to see if this works first. There’s a lot of hurt. I don’t know if I can let it go as easily as you did. And speaking of that, you told me you didn’t ever think about that night with Dane and I. But then today you threw it in my face.”
“Lanie, what was I supposed to do? Tell you how it ripped me to pieces? Tell you when you were at your lowest point? Make you hurt even more? No. I was trying to protect you. I’d rather take all the hurt than have you feel it more because of me.”
“But that means you lied to me. Don’t you ever lie to me again. If we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together then you have to tell me everything you’re feeling, whether it hurts me or not. Completely honest and open, all the time. You hear me Bennett? It was never an issue before. Now that we have everything between us, why would you lie about anything? Why start now?”
Grant shook his head.
“Lanie, I just told you why. But you’re right, it’s another thing I fucked up.”
“No. But now you’ll know better. Just don’t do it again. And thank you for protecting me.” I smacked him on the arm but wanted to slap him across the face for sleeping next to that bitch; for letting her get pleasure from him. I wanted to demolish her.
We just stared at each other. And while I looked at him, I plotted on how I was going to take that bitch down. And I was. I was going to make her so sorry she fucked with me. And man, was I motivated. I thought of everything.
I envisioned her coming to visit for whale watching and her just getting a little too close to the edge of the cliff. Oops. Bye-bye, bitch! I thought about inviting her to go skydiving with me. Oh, you go first. Oops, that was my backpack. See you, slut! I think at one point I must have had an evil smirk on my face and Grant noticed.
“What are you thinking about? You look … scary,” Grant said. His face look worried. A very strange laugh started to come out of my mouth and I stopped myself.
“Nothing. It doesn’t even matter. I can’t do any of it, anyway,” I said, with a twinge of disappointment.
“Do I want to know?”
“No. That would make you an accessory.”
He just stared at me. Mouth open, like he was going to say something, but nothing came out. After a few seconds, he started to look like a wax figure. It was creepy.
“No, really. Don’t worry about it. I was just kind of zoning out, thinking about something. Don’t pay any mind to me.”
“Still scary, Lanie. Now, about your ring.” He picked up my left hand and thumbed the place where my ring used to be. I thumbed the missing spot all the time. It felt like it was missing. I can’t explain it.
“So. How do I go about putting that ring back on here? Where do we go from here, Lanie?” He squeezed my hand and gave me a serious look.
“Well, we’re going to have to have some long talks.”
“I assumed.”
“And no sex. That’ll just mask things. Make things feel better. Feel really, really good even. Amazing …”
“You don’t sound convinced on that point.” He cocked an eyebrow at me and gave me the most adorable smirk.
“Yeah. It’s going to be a tough one. But no, you actually have to earn that one back, being like that with me.”
“We’ll see how you hold up to that one. I do not promise not to tempt you. A lot,” he said with smooth confidence. He gave me a totally hot smile to go with it. Crap. I was already wavering. Mad or not at him, my guy was hot. And keeping my hands off him and not having make-up sex, or even better yet, hot, pissed-off sex, was going to be a challenge. I felt myself start to ache for him. I got up from his lap. He held onto my hand so I wouldn’t go far.
“What else, Love. Anything.”
“You’re going to have to court me. Take me on dates.”
“I have no problem with that. When can that start?” His eyes were pleading me to just say now. So I did.
“Right now.” I looked at him from under my eye lashes.” He pulled me closer. Slowly, with each additional inch he pulled me, he’d look for my approval. I let him pull me to him until we were inches apart. My lips were just drawn to his li
ke magnets. But he just kept it slow. I leaned into him; I could feel the heat coming off him.
Our lips touched. It was quick and soft and wonderful. And then I just gave into that part of me, the part that missed him deeply. It needed to have closure, too. He was here with me now, with me. And I wanted to feel him. I wanted his kiss.
He crushed his lips to mine and I felt my entire being fall into that kiss. I could feel every cell in his body. It was tender and loving. If it could, my heart would have jumped right the hell out of my chest and into his pocket. Damn.
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