Letting Go

by Kennedy, Sloane

  “Sure lady, whatever you want,” responded the man when he saw the money.

  Casey turned to Isabel who was completely confused. “Isabel, I’m gonna need your help, okay?” When the little girl nodded, Casey continued. “Ryan’s real scared to get in a car so we’ve got to show him that there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  Isabel looked across Casey to the outside of the car. “But he’s not watching.”

  “Maybe not but he will. So we have to show him how much fun being in a car can be, okay? Can you help me?” At the girl’s emphatic nod, Casey smiled and said, “Good. Now, since Christmas isn’t that far off, why don’t we practice some Christmas carols?”

  “Okay.” And so it began.

  ***

  Devlin got out of the limousine and scanned the property. He wondered if Casey would be impressed with all the improvements that had already been made to the shelter and grounds. The shelter had a new roof as did the barn and the outdoor kennels. The kennel gates had been repaired and those that had been covered in rust had been replaced. The barn had new siding and he could see that even now the repair team was working on replacing the rotted fence around the paddock. Even Casey’s house had a new coat of paint and bright new shingles. His money had done well so far.

  It had been hard to leave her alone when she had confined herself to her room. On several occasions he had found himself heading towards her room with the intention of forcing her to rejoin the living but each time he did he would remember the tears he had made her shed that night in the kitchen. But seeing her reach out to Isabel had given him an idea – a way to hopefully draw her out. He had no doubt about her ability to care for the children – she was a natural at it but he knew her stubbornness could be an issue so he had spent hours creating a ridiculous list of “rules” for her to use with the children. He went a step further and created this fake business trip so she wouldn’t have to worry about avoiding him. It was a risk to manipulate her in this way but his gut told him that Isabel and Ryan could reach her in a way he probably never could and she deserved to feel that unconditional, innocent love that children give. But she needed time away from him so he had flown to Seattle to check on a new startup his company was eyeing. Stopping in Ashland on the way back was spontaneous and he suspected Jonas would be less than welcoming.

  Devlin went inside the shelter and found a lobby with new tile and wallpaper. As soon as he walked over the threshold, a bell went off to indicate his presence. Jonas appeared within moments and came to a halt when he saw who his visitor was. Devlin inwardly smiled when he recalled the last time he had been in this exact same spot with Jonas. Did he actually miss that damn dog?

  “Mr. Prescott.” The boy was clearly stunned to see him. “Oh my God, is Casey all right? What happened?”

  “She’s fine.” He saw Jonas take a deep breath as relief spread through his tense body. The love in the boy’s eyes was clear but Devlin knew now he had made a mistake in assuming the nature of the relationship between the two was sexual. What Jonas felt for Casey went beyond the physical. He wondered what bound the two so closely together. A pang of envy went through him but he didn’t want to take the time to ponder it. “I’ve come to see you Jonas. Can I interest you in some lunch?” The boy gave him a suspicious look.

  “Um, I really shouldn’t leave the shelter in the middle of the day. You know, potential clients and all.”

  “Of course, I understand.”

  Jonas waited but Devlin didn’t continue and he didn’t move. He could see why Casey had been so intimidated by the man. His presence seemed to control the entire room. “I was actually just gonna grab a bite to eat in the house. The guys you hired rigged the bell for the shelter door to go off in the house too so we can still hear if someone stops by.” Jonas knew he was babbling but his jumbled nerves made the words just keep coming. If the man hadn’t come here to give him bad news about Casey, that meant he wanted only one thing – information.

  “That would be fine.”

  Jonas nodded awkwardly and led Devlin out of the shelter.

  ***

  The week had gone by much slower than Casey had expected in Devlin’s absence. Not sure what to make of that, Casey made her way to the third level of the townhouse to where Ryan was having his lesson with Mr. Sterling, the tutor Devlin had hired. She had expected that the little boy would have been given the day after Thanksgiving off from his lessons but his stiff lipped tutor had arrived at the usual time. Of course, she had also expected Devlin to return home in time for the holiday but at least he had called and spoken with the children for a few minutes. His parents had shown up and cooked a hearty feast for the children. Ryan and Isabel had done their best to enjoy it but the lack of Devlin’s presence seemed to deflate any of the joy they should have had for the holiday. Even his parents had been decidedly quiet. After the dinner had come to an end, Ryan had disappeared to finish his homework for the next day’s lessons and Isabel had uncharacteristically played alone in her room.

  Casey’s thoughts returned to Ryan’s tutor. She had met the crusty old man earlier in the week and hadn’t been impressed. In his late sixties and with a list of credentials as long as her arm, the man had seemed like the least likely candidate to be teaching a seven year old. But Ryan never complained about the teacher and he put every effort into completing the heavy load of homework heaped on his young shoulders each afternoon. To Casey’s irritation, Ryan barely had time to play outside or join her and Isabel in a board game. She knew the little boy wasn’t working so hard to please his teacher – he wanted to make his clueless father proud.

  She’d made some progress with her morning cab lessons. In fact, Ryan was coming along more quickly than she had expected. He had started out by watching them from his own second floor bedroom window and then from the living room window. This morning, he had made it outside and sat on the front stoop. Casey had left the door to the cab open so he could see the fun she, Isabel and Sampson were having. The longing on his face was clear but he was still terrified. Several times, Casey had started to doubt her tactics but she forced herself to follow her instincts. It would just take time. Repairing any kind of damage to the soul just took time. There were no easy fixes.

  When she reached the third floor and came to a stop outside the classroom door, Casey put her ear against the wood.

  “How do you expect me to explain your stupidity to your father Ryan?” came the muffled voice inside. “Do you think a man like your father respects someone who can’t keep up? Who refuses to do the work? No, I think your father will be as disappointed in you as I am.” Not even waiting to see if Ryan had a response, Casey pushed open the door.

  “What’s going on here?”

  The old man looked up at her with clear loathing. “Miss Wilkes, I have asked you not to interrupt us during a lesson.”

  “Is that what you call it?” she asked, forcing her voice to remain calm. Her eyes went to Ryan who refused to even look at her. He wasn’t crying but it was clear from his trembling lip that he was close to his breaking point. “Ryan, why don’t you go see if Isabel and Mrs. Potter have lunch ready?”

  “We are not finished with this lesson Miss Wilkes. Once Ryan puts forth the effort to learn the material, then he may eat. Until then, please don’t interrupt us again.”

  “Ryan, go on now. It’s all right,” she assured as the boy looked at her doubtfully. Her frigid eyes never left the man standing haughtily in front of her. The little boy crept passed Mr. Sterling and ran out of the room.

  “Mr. Prescott will be hearing about this young lady. Your interference will not be tolerated.”

  “You can go now Mr. Sterling.”

  “I’m afraid your orders have no bearing on me Miss Wilkes. I am in Mr. Prescott’s employ, not yours,” he responded smugly. He proceeded to sit down at the desk in the corner of the room and sorted through some papers.

  “That may be true Mr. Sterling. However, I have a nice little piece of paper in my pos
session that gives me guardianship over Ryan when Mr. Prescott is unavailable. It gives me permission to make all decisions regarding Ryan’s care as I see fit. If Mr. Prescott decides to bring you back here, that will be his right. But until then, I want you out of this house.” Mr. Sterling glared at her as if trying to break her. But she didn’t waver and in the end, he jammed his books into his leather bag and strode regally past her and out of the room.

  ***

  Devlin watched as Jonas placed a plate in front of him with a plain cheese sandwich. Jonas had the same thing on his plate as he sat down across from Devlin at the wobbly kitchen table. It had been clear from the moment that Devlin entered the house that Jonas had not spent any of the money that had been set up in an account for the shelter. The furniture in the living room was mismatched and from a different era. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls and the shag carpet was thin from years of use. But the cheese sandwich was the icing on the cake. Two pieces of thin, white bread with a single slice of American cheese in the middle that had been peeled from a piece of plastic.

  “You haven’t had any trouble in accessing the account I opened at the bank in the shelter’s name, have you?” asked Devlin conversationally.

  “Not that I’m aware of. `Course, I haven’t tried either so that might have something to do with it.” Jonas took a bite out of the sandwich and then slurped down some of the red juice that he had poured into his glass.

  “What’s the problem?”

  “No problem.”

  Devlin eyed the boy. He was proving to be as stubborn as Casey. “She didn’t want the money so you won’t touch it.”

  “Mr. Prescott, you tried to bribe my best friend into doing something she wasn’t prepared to do and then when she said no, you decided to blackmail her. What makes you think I want to be any part of that?”

  “So repairs to the shelter and paying off the property taxes was okay but anything beyond that offends your morals?” Devlin leaned back in his chair, impressed by the young man’s loyalty.

  “Is that why you came here Mr. Prescott? To discuss my morals?”

  “No. Actually, I was on my way home from a business trip to Seattle. The stop here was an impulse.”

  “Well, my good looks tend to have that effect on people,” Jonas responded as he took another chunk out of the sandwich.

  Devlin smiled lightly and shook his head before becoming serious once again. “How well do you know her? I mean really know her.”

  Jonas was about to take another bite of the sandwich but he stopped when he heard the question. He studied Devlin for a long time before he leaned back in his chair. “Mr. Prescott, as you may well have guessed, my work load has doubled this past week. That means I don’t have a lot of time or energy to play twenty questions with you. Let’s assume that I would betray my best friend’s confidence for a second so that you can go ahead and ask whatever it is you want to ask, okay? Then I can tell you to go to hell and we can both get on with our day. How does that sound?”

  The kid had a lot of guts. “Why do you think she doesn’t like to be touched?” Devlin watched the arrogance deflate and leave the boy’s body. In its place was surprise followed by resignation. He clearly had not been anticipating the question.

  “I don’t know the answer to that.”

  “But you have an idea.”

  Jonas shook his head. “I just assumed it was the abuse she went through growing up.”

  “But,” pressed Devlin.

  “But I’ve known her for three years and it hasn’t changed.” Jonas hesitated and then looked painfully around the room as if he was confessing a sin. “You know, I tried to help her – to make it better. I hugged her or touched her shoulder or whatever – casual, something normal between two friends. I hoped that if I did it enough, she could learn to trust me.”

  “But she doesn’t.”

  “No, not deep down where it matters. I think she wants to, I just don’t think she can.”

  “Have you ever talked to her about it?”

  Jonas shook his head. “She has limits, you know. You can’t push her too hard or she’ll snap.” He did know.

  Both men fell silent for a long moment. “Has she ever told you what she wants out of life?” Devlin asked curiously.

  “What, you mean like husband, kids, white picket fence?” Devlin nodded. “It’s kind of hard to dream when you’re too busy trying to keep the nightmares at bay just so you can make it through each day.”

  Devlin studied him for a long moment. “So what you’re telling me is, you know her best but you really don’t know her at all.”

  Jonas wasn’t offended by the observation. “I know enough about her to realize what an incredible person she is. I look at the way she treats these animals, the way she gives herself completely to them and I know that she has something inside that few people have. But giving that part of herself to another person is something I just don’t think she’ll ever do again – it’s all she has left. So if that means I’ll never be more to her than I am right now, that’s just fine with me.” Devlin had a million more questions but instinct told him that even if Jonas knew the answers, he was through talking.

  With half his sandwich still remaining, Jonas had lost what remained of his appetite. He picked up his plate and took it to the counter. “If you try to use what I’ve told you to hurt her in any way…” he began.

  “I won’t.”

  Jonas nodded and began wrapping his sandwich in cellophane. He went to the table and took Devlin’s plate away and wrapped his untouched sandwich in cellophane as well. He was about to put both sandwiches in the refrigerator when he stopped and said to Devlin, “Did you want to take yours with you for the road?” Devlin stifled a smile and shook his head.

  ***

  “You fired Mr. Sterling,” was all he said when she entered the study. Devlin was in the process of removing his jacket and loosening his tie. He’d been back all of five minutes when Mrs. Potter had sought her out in the backyard to let her know he wanted to see her. Covered in snow from the snow angels she’d been making in the backyard with the kids, Casey watched as he moved back and forth in front of his desk in agitation. She wondered if he even realized he paced when he was upset. The action seemed so out of place for someone who clearly valued control as much as he did.

  His arrival had excited the children enough to cause them to run in the house, snowsuits and all, and hurry to the study. Isabel had thrown her small arms around his body as high as she could reach but Ryan had stood in the doorway in silence, a look of longing on his face. Devlin’s response had been a light pat on the shoulder for Isabel and a rebuke for Ryan for tracking snow in the house when he was old enough to know better. Defeated, the boy had collected Isabel and pulled her out the study.

  Casey realized Devlin was still waiting for confirmation that she had in fact terminated Mr. Sterling’s employment so she nodded her head. When she didn’t offer any explanation, he stopped pacing and put out his hands. “Well, do you have a reason or were you just bored and needed someone to vent that temper of yours on?”

  “Mr. Sterling may be a brilliant man but he has no understanding of how to deal with children.”

  “And you do? When in this past week did you become an expert on parenting?”

  Casey bit back her temper. “I’m not claiming to know anything about raising children Mr. Prescott. But I know a broken spirit when I see one.”

  He stopped pacing again but this time his look was lethal. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  Surprisingly, Casey wasn’t bothered by the tone of his voice. His anger made him easier to deal with. “I’m talking about your son.”

  “My son’s spirit is just fine.”

  “If it were fine, he would be in here right now telling you all about his week instead of trying to get his snowsuit off without making too much more of a mess on your precious floors than he already has.” Casey knew she was pushing her luck but she didn’t care. Sh
e could ignore indifference but cruelty, no matter how unintentional, was something she couldn’t tolerate.

  “You’re out of line Casey. Don’t psychoanalyze my relationship with my son. We were doing just fine before you came along. Your sister-”

  Before he could continue, Casey took a step forward, her eyes blazing. “I have no doubt that my sister was a terrific nanny Mr. Prescott. However, I don’t believe for a second, that she would have come to you about something like this. Confrontation wasn’t in her nature. So she did the next best thing. She tried to make up for you. You said yourself that she had him talking and laughing in a matter of days. Why do you suppose that is?”

  “We’re done here,” said Devlin as he went around his desk.

  Casey went up to the desk and put her hands down on it and met his hard gaze. “Your son has to love you with a broken heart Devlin. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do?” She didn’t expect a response and she didn’t get one. Turning on her heel, she left the room. Devlin fell into his chair. Much of his anger had left him at her last words. It couldn’t be true. Ryan was a little boy. Children his age focused on toys and friends and they healed fast when bad things happened. Ryan just needed time and he would be fine. His son knew that he loved him and was proud of him. He was fine.

  Devlin said the line over and over in his head several times but somehow it didn’t bring the comfort it always had in the past. He turned his attention to his computer and brought up his email but couldn’t focus on any of the words. A sound from near the door to the study caught his attention. As he looked up, his blood ran cold. There, just outside the door, was his son, on hands and knees, an old dishtowel clenched in his right hand as he carefully wiped up the small pools of water from the wood floor.

  Ryan heard his father’s footsteps coming towards him but he forced himself to keep his eyes on the towel in his hand. Instead of walking past him though, his father stopped and closed his large hand over Ryan’s upper arm. Confused and startled by the gentle touch, Ryan watched as his father dropped to his own knees, heedless of the remaining water on the floor. Before he could even apologize for his carelessness at dripping the water on the floor in the first place, he felt his father’s arms wrap around him, the wet, dirty dishtowel squashed between them. He heard his father whisper his name and when he felt the moisture on his shoulder, he knew it had nothing to do with the water he’d been cleaning up.