At first Rachel wondered if James had turned over a new leaf for the new year when he asked her over for dinner. He wasn’t usually the type to entertain at home. He was the type to get pissed in his local and wolf down a kebab after. And that was when they were dating and he wanted to make a good impression.
When he unlocked the door to his flat, the waft of familiarity swept over her. There was also a vague sense of disquiet. She’d often been anxious there. And it smelled a bit of curry.
But he didn’t seem to notice any of that as he led them through to the sitting room.
The decor hadn’t changed at all. The same poster over the dining table – an oiled-up woman bench-pressing with her legs spread – and the same black leather sofa, unwashed cereal bowls on the table and pile of shoes in the corner. A lad’s pad, circa any time after The Matrix was made.
‘I like what you’ve done with the place,’ Rachel said.
‘Yeah, I’ve had the decorators in. It wasn’t easy getting just the right balance of neglect and decay.’
‘I’d say you hit it just right.’
She wasn’t surprised by James’s lack of interior design. After all, she lived in near-squalid conditions. After ten-hour days wrapping her head around design features, who had the energy to do it for fun?
‘I’m just going to change,’ he said. ‘Make yourself comfortable. Well, you know where everything is.’
He emerged from his bedroom two minutes later wearing a grey Franklin & Marshall sweatshirt and matching baggy sweatpants.
She didn’t expect him to dress for dinner. But she didn’t think he’d dress for bed either. ‘Nice to see you make an effort.’
He laughed. ‘You should be flattered that I’m so comfortable with you.’
‘Hmm. What’s for dinner?’
He stared at the kitchen like he was noticing it for the first time. ‘There’s some pasta in the cabinet if you’re hungry. Or we can order something. I thought we were doing the assessments?’ He wandered to the fridge. ‘Beer?’
That was the James she knew. But to be fair to him, he never pretended to be anything other than Jameslike.
‘Well if you won’t feed me proper food then let’s get started so I can get home.’
He didn’t object and they opened their laptops. Once Rachel had logged in to the Wi-Fi network, she said, ‘So, Catherine said we just have to sign up and put each other as a reference. Then we’ll get an email from RecycLove to confirm that we’re joining together and we’ll get the assessments to fill in.’
They raced each other to be the first one to sign up.
When Rachel’s mailbox pinged first, James licked his finger and ticked the air.
His pinged a moment later.
‘So that’s it?’ he asked. ‘We’re in?’
‘It looks like it. Now we can do the relationship assessment.’
Suddenly, doing it in front of James seemed like a terrible idea. ‘Maybe you should go in the other room so we don’t distract each other.’
‘Don’t you want to watch me rate you?’ he asked.
‘Actually I was thinking of your feelings, but whatever.’
They shifted away from each other at the dining table to work through the questions.
James looked over the top of his screen. ‘How do you add a rating?’
‘See the little pencil icon? Click on whichever number you want. It makes an X.’
‘Xs for your ex. Get it? Do I get any last-minute credit for clever comments?’
‘If I hear any I’ll let you know.’
He punctuated the next ten minutes by constantly asking what question she was on. ‘This isn’t a race, James.’
‘No, but you shouldn’t take forever over it either. The first thing that comes to mind is usually the most honest.’ He noticed her typing. ‘You’re writing comments too?’
‘Some answers need expanding.’
‘Just don’t use swear words or you’ll hurt my feelings.’
She was on the last question anyway. She tapped the ‘Complete Assessment’ button. ‘I’m finished.’
‘I’ve already sent mine,’ he said.
Sure enough, there was a message in her RecycLove inbox telling Rachel that his assessment was waiting for her to complete hers. That got round the retaliation problem in case one person didn’t like what they read. Clever Catherine.
‘Mine’s just come through. Ready? Go.’
They both clicked.
The disbelief built in Rachel’s chest as she scanned down the page.
‘This is really how you feel?’
Granted, he’d done the questions quickly, but this was ridiculous.
‘Like I said, the first thought is the most honest,’ he muttered, staring at his screen as she stared at hers.
The RecycLove Relationship Assessment
This assessment is about: Rachel Lambert
Assessed by: James McCormack
The goal of this questionnaire is to help the person understand their positive traits as well as where they can improve for the best chance of finding a happy and satisfying relationship.
Please rate the person on the following characteristics on a scale of 1 to 4.
1 = Not at all, 2 = Not very, 3 = Somewhat, 4 = Extremely
Feel free to expand in the comments sections.
1. Was this person a good communicator? For example, did he/she get in touch regularly and return calls? Were they clear about things like weekend plans?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
2. Was this person honest about his/her feelings and actions?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
3. Was he/she a loyal person, toward you and others?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
4. Did you feel emotionally supported by this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
5. Was this person secure?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
6. Was this person courteous to you and other people?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
7. Did you know where you stood in the relationship with this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
8. Did he/she make you feel like you were important to them, like they wanted to be in the relationship with you?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
9. How fun or interesting was this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
10. Did he/she take a reasonable amount of care over his/her appearance, i.e. not too little or too much?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
11. How generous was this person? Generosity could be financial or it may mean a generosity of spirit.
1 2 3 4
Comments:
12. Was he/she emotionally mature?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
13. How kind was this person, toward you and others?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
14. Was he/she attentive to your needs?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
15. Was this person ambitious? Did they have goals that they were trying to achieve?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
16. How romantic was he/she?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
17. Did he/she get along with your friends and/or family?
1 2 3 4
Comments: N/A - they never met
18. How committed was he/she to the relationship?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
19. Was this person sexually satisfying? Feel free to skip this question if you prefer.
1 2 3 4
Comments: No need to go into detail here : -)
He’d given her no criticism whatsoever. As far as James was concerned, Rachel was the perfect girlfriend.
How was that possible?
Her face burned, knowing he was reading her rat
ings.
The RecycLove Relationship Assessment
This assessment is about: James McCormack
Assessed by: Rachel Lambert
The goal of this questionnaire is to help the person understand their positive traits as well as where they can improve for the best chance of finding a happy and satisfying relationship.
Please rate the person on the following characteristics on a scale of 1 to 4.
1 = Not at all, 2 = Not very, 3 = Somewhat, 4 = Extremely
Feel free to expand in the comments sections.
1. Was this person a good communicator? For example, did he/she get in touch regularly and return calls? Were they clear about things like weekend plans?
1 2 3 4
Comments: I’m sure you were clear about your weekend plans but I never knew whether to bother shaving my legs or not. You returned my calls/texts about half the time, less at the end.
2. Was this person honest about his/her feelings and actions?
1 2 3 4
Comments: You are honest in your actions – I’m sure you’ve never lied or stolen anything. Or cheated in a relationship. But you really need to be honest about your feelings.
3. Was he/she a loyal person, toward you and others?
1 2 3 4
Comments: You are a loyal friend.
4. Did you feel emotionally supported by this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments: You always seemed too busy to listen to me, James. Sometimes it’s not about anything big. Maybe I just needed to vent about my day, but you’re so relentlessly positive that I ended up feeling like I shouldn’t be complaining. Even now when I tell you about my crap dates you laugh it all off.
5. Was this person secure?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Yes, sometimes too secure. It’s all right to be vulnerable with people you trust.
6. Was this person courteous to you and other people?
1 2 3 4
Comments: You are generally courteous but you’re not really chivalrous. Do you realise that you always barge in front of me when we go through doors? Try not to bulldoze your dates when you go into the pub. And pull out a chair once in a while.
7. Did you know where you stood in the relationship with this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Only at the beginning, when it was really fun and pretty great. And at the end, when you were completely ignoring me.
8. Did he/she make you feel like you were important to them, like they wanted to be in the relationship with you?
1 2 3 4
Comments: This one’s hard. At first you did but then you changed. Too busy to go out – not making definite plans – cancelling on me – not returning calls. Nobody wants to feel like a waste of time.
9. How fun or interesting was this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments: I can’t fault you here. You’re also very funny. Though we could have done more together. Dancing maybe. A good dancer is sexy, you know.
10. Did he/she take a reasonable amount of care over his/her appearance, i.e. not too little or too much?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Look down at yourself, James. I rest my case. Though it’s nice that you’re sporty, it would also be nice to make an effort with your wardrobe once in a while. Your hygiene is pretty good for a man though.
11. How generous was this person? Generosity could be financial or it may mean a generosity of spirit.
1 2 3 4
Comments: You are totally cheap.
12. Was he/she emotionally mature?
1 2 3 4
Comments: You might be but I’ve never seen it. If there is some emotion in there, you should show it in a relationship. It’s hard feeling like you’re the only one who cares.
13. How kind was this person, toward you and others?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Generally, except when you’re taking the piss out of me.
14. Was he/she attentive to your needs?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Yes, when I asked you to be, but you never told me what you needed. It felt like I was always the needy one. Not a nice feeling.
15. Was this person ambitious? Did they have goals that they were trying to achieve?
1 2 3 4
Comments: It’s good that you want to get ahead at work but the relationship couldn’t compete with that. It’s possible to be ambitious and still realise that other things are important. The relationship doesn’t have to be the top priority but it should be a priority, if you like and respect that person. That was really our problem wasn’t it?
16. How romantic was he/she?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
17. Did he/she get along with your friends and/or family?
1 2 3 4
Comments: N/A, I’m sure you would have if you’d ever met.
18. How committed was he/she to the relationship?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Even a little bit more would have helped a lot.
19. Was this person sexually satisfying? Feel free to skip this question if you prefer.
1 2 3 4
Comments: No comment
Finally he said, ‘Well, I guess at least you were honest.’
She squirmed in her chair. ‘James, it looks worse on paper than it really is. There was only a four-point scale. If I could have put you in the middle on a lot of …’
He looked completely dejected. ‘I guess I thought I was an okay boyfriend.’
‘You were an … okay boyfriend!’ she said. ‘Look, I scored you highly on a lot of the questions. You’re loyal, secure, courteous …’ She scanned down the next page. ‘Interesting, kind, ambitious. I’d have rated you higher on appearance if it wasn’t for those sweatpants. You do have good hygiene. There’s quite a lot in your favour.’
But he wasn’t about to be cajoled out of his mood. ‘Thanks for saying that I don’t reek. Let’s talk about the others, like the ones where you wrote essays in the comments box.’
Maybe she’d got a little carried away, she realised as she reread her comments. She wished they hadn’t agreed to go through them together.
‘I’m cheap?’ he asked.
Grimacing, Rachel nodded. ‘You really are, James. I can probably count on one hand the number of times you took me out for dinner.’
‘Maybe I just wanted to have drinks.’
‘Or maybe you suggest drinks so you don’t have to pay for dinner.’
He knew he was busted. ‘Yeah, all right. But I’m not a total skinflint. I do spend money on some things.’
She followed his eyes to the games console on the sofa. ‘Yes but a date won’t care that you’ve got the latest Xbox game. She probably will care if you refuse to feed her. All I’m saying is that a few romantic gestures would go a long way.’
‘According to you, I’m as unromantic as it’s possible to be. I seem to remember stars and moonlight.’
‘Yes, that was romantic. But it was only our first kiss.’
She didn’t often dwell on their relationship. What was the point? But she smiled as she let herself remember how they first got together.
Outlook Messenger had pinged on the afternoon of their first strategy conference. Meet me out front.
‘Let’s get a quick drink,’ he’d said when she came downstairs.
‘I’m not sure we’ve got time before the coach leaves.’ They’d only been working for the company for a little under a year. Not yet long enough to take liberties.
‘Come on, it won’t go till at least five thirty. You know you’ll just spend that time rearranging your suitcase.’
She blushed. She’d been packed since last week for the two-day piss-up. ‘Fine, we can go, but just for a quick one, James.’
They hurried around the corner to their usual after-work pub.
When they came out the coach was gone.
‘I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you!’ she’d fumed as they stood on the pavement with their
bags in front of the office. ‘That half pint is going to cost me a fortune now in train fares.’ And she’d have to spend it too. They couldn’t miss the conference. The bosses had hired out an entire country house hotel for it. She’d been so excited to go.
‘Please relax, Rachel, I can drive us. Come on, I’m only twenty minutes down the Piccadilly line.’
Much as she wanted to hold a grudge, her anger dissolved with every mile travelled and every song on the radio mangled by two people who really shouldn’t have been belting out lyrics at the tops of their voices.
‘You realise we’ll get crucified when we get there,’ she’d said as he navigated the busy traffic along the M4. ‘The partners will want to know why we missed the coach.’
He’d smiled as he carefully passed a lorry. ‘We’ve got about eighty miles to think up a good excuse. And you know what? I don’t care. This is fun. It’s worth the bollocking.’
When they’d safely passed the lorry, James reached over and grabbed Rachel’s hand.
That had never happened before. She snuck a glance at him, but his eyes were firmly on the road. What was he doing holding her hand? Friendly gesture? Did friends hold hands? Did he mean anything by it? More importantly: did she want him to?
Interesting question. If she was honest with herself (and what better time for that than when your friend holds your hand for the first time?), her feelings weren’t completely platonic. They got along too well, and she fancied him too much, not to wonder about more.
His warm hand felt good in hers.
They stayed like that until he had to downshift off the exit.
Their colleagues didn’t know about the motorway hand-holding so their teasing was only because they’d missed the coach. But Rachel knew something had changed. It excited her.
Just before midnight, when they were in the bar together with the whole company, James whispered in her ear.
‘Come outside with me.’
They didn’t bother with coats, though it was a chilly October night. A nearly full moon illuminated the expansive grounds and formal gardens but, even so, Rachel could see stars blanketing the sky.
‘I saw how pretty it looked when I went for a slash,’ he’d said. ‘I thought you’d like it.’
‘Were you weeing in the bushes?’
‘I saw it through the windows on my way to the loo.’ Then he took her hand. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve washed my hands.’
‘That’s not what I was thinking.’
‘What were you thinking?’ He spun her around to face him.
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