‘Well, that I was surprised when you held my hand in the car. But I liked it.’
‘Good, because I plan to do more of that. And this.’
He’d leaned in and they’d kissed, long, slow, sexy kisses that, to Rachel, didn’t feel at all platonic.
All right, it had been a pretty romantic way to start a relationship. He probably deserved a two out of four.
‘I gave you all good ratings,’ he said, pulling her back to their uncomfortable conversation. ‘If it was so bad, why did you stay with me for a year?’
Exasperated, she said, ‘It wasn’t so bad! Just because there are things you can improve doesn’t mean you were terrible to go out with.’
‘But you were ultimately the one who ended it,’ he pointed out.
She snorted. ‘Only because you were too lazy to do it. I wasn’t stupid. It was obvious that you’d lost interest. Or at least that other things were more important.’
‘You mean work,’ he said. ‘But we were both working long hours. Why was my working a problem if yours wasn’t?’
She thought about that. ‘Because I didn’t do it to the exclusion of everything else. I still saw my friends and my family. And you, when you’d let me.’
She lost count of the number of times he’d backed out of plans she’d made for them. It became a running joke with Catherine and Sarah that they knew she’d be free whenever she had plans with James.
Yeah, that was freakin’ hilarious.
‘It wasn’t hard to read between the lines with us, James. We made better friends than anything else.’
‘I guess I have a different opinion,’ he murmured. ‘But I understand why you think that. I was a cheap, unromantic workaholic.’ He pointed to his screen. ‘You didn’t answer the last question. Is that to save me actually killing myself?’
She could feel the heat creeping up her face. ‘The sex wasn’t bad, James. That wasn’t the problem.’
‘Not bad like … a two?’ He clasped his hands together under his chin. ‘Or dare I hope for a three?’
‘Okay, if you must know, it was a four.’
She took one look at his face and knew she shouldn’t have told him. Now he’d be insufferable.
‘As for the rest of it, there are things you should work on. Like … well, it all comes from the same place, really. Commitment.’
He made the sign of the cross over his face.
‘Exactly. It’s not your strong suit.’ She shrugged. ‘I guess when you meet the right person then the flaws will naturally correct themselves. You’ll want to be with them. A woman wants to feel that her boyfriend wants to be with her.’
‘You didn’t think I wanted to be with you?’ he asked. ‘Just because I didn’t send you roses all the time—’
‘Or ever.’
‘Or take you out for fancy dinners didn’t mean … I’m sorry you thought that, Rachel. I’m really really sorry.’
‘It doesn’t matter any more, but thanks. Look, they’re just suggestions. Ignore them if you want. And I would like some feedback about myself. There must have been things I could do better.’
He didn’t answer right away. Then he said, ‘Well, there was one thing. I gave you a four but …’
She sat up. ‘Yes?’
‘Actually more blow jobs would have been nice.’
She punched him harder than she meant to, but exactly as hard as he deserved.
Chapter Fifteen
Sarah
The RecycLove Relationship Assessment
This assessment is about: Sarah Hamilton
Assessed by: Sebastian Mott
The goal of this questionnaire is to help the person understand their positive traits as well as where they can improve for the best chance of finding a happy and satisfying relationship.
Please rate the person on the following characteristics on a scale of 1 to 4.
1 = Not at all, 2 = Not very, 3 = Somewhat, 4 = Extremely
Feel free to expand in the comments sections.
1. Was this person a good communicator? For example, did he/she get in touch regularly and return calls? Were they clear about things like weekend plans?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Sarah rang me a lot. That’s good for someone who wants to talk all the time.
2. Was this person honest about his/her feelings and actions?
1 2 3 4
Comments: We didn’t really talk about feelings much.
3. Was he/she a loyal person, toward you and others?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Sarah is definitely loyal.
4. Did you feel emotionally supported by this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments: I guess so.
5. Was this person secure?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Sarah should have more self-confidence. Her insecurity makes her come across as a wallflower.
6. Was this person courteous to you and other people?
1 2 3 4
Comments:
7. Did you know where you stood in the relationship with this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Not really. It seemed like Sarah wanted a lot more.
8. Did he/she make you feel like you were important to them, like they wanted to be in the relationship with you?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Yes but that’s not always a good thing if the other person doesn’t want to be as serious.
9. How fun or interesting was this person?
1 2 3 4
Comments: I’m sorry, but she’s not really a party girl. She’s pretty serious and she spends a lot of time baking.
10. Did he/she take a reasonable amount of care over his/her appearance, i.e. not too little or too much?
1 2 3 4
Comments: She’d be more attractive if she cared about how she looked. But she is sporty and really fit.
11. How generous was this person? Generosity could be financial or it may mean a generosity of spirit.
1 2 3 4
Comments:
12. Was he/she emotionally mature?
1 2 3 4
Comments: At the end she got a bit too clingy, but some guys may like that.
13. How kind was this person, toward you and others?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Sarah is great with her family and especially her little sister.
14. Was he/she attentive to your needs?
1 2 3 4
Comments: I really needed someone to have fun with but Sarah wanted a relationship.
15. Was this person ambitious? Did they have goals that they were trying to achieve?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Not that I saw. But she is very practical. She built all the Ikea wardrobes in her bedroom herself.
16. How romantic was he/she?
1 2 3 4
Comments: She draws wedding cards. It comes with the territory.
17. Did he/she get along with your friends and/or family?
1 2 3 4
Comments: Not applic.
18. How committed was he/she to the relationship?
1 2 3 4
Comments: A little too committed
19. Was this person sexually satisfying? Feel free to skip this question if you prefer.
1 2 3 4
Comments:
She’d waited over a week for this? Character assassinations made more glowing reports.
It was so unfair! Clingy, boring and dowdy. And she was supposed to have more self-esteem? Good luck with that now.
Sarah knew she shouldn’t get so worked up. After all, nobody else would see the assessment (thankfully). It was just that, deep down, she was afraid Sebastian was right. She was no social butterfly. Now she knew why he’d eventually stopped calling. He’d wanted to spend time with someone he could party with all night long. She only made it past midnight with a double shot of espresso.
And that was before she really became a homebody.
Was it any wonder she hadn’t been out w
ith anyone but Rachel and Catherine in … could it really be years?
‘I’m home!’ shouted Rachel. ‘Glad to see the house is still here.’
It had been her standard greeting since Nate arrived with the sledgehammers and saws and upside-down floor plans. The second floor was starting to come along, but Sarah suspected it might take longer than Nate thought. They were definitely making a lot of work for themselves. Nate had wiped out two of the ceiling lights while carrying materials up the stairs. And when one of his boys had dropped a sledgehammer in the bathtub, it cracked in half. They had to use buckets over the sink to wash now. When she’d asked Nate if he knew when they might be finished, he’d said about a month. She hoped so, although he had said that a month ago.
‘I’m in the kitchen,’ Sarah called, closing her laptop.
‘Shit, what a day I’ve had.’ Rachel unwound her impractically long scarlet scarf from around her neck. ‘It’s freezing out there.’
‘Is it cold? I haven’t been out today.’
Oops, wrong thing to say.
Rachel gave her that face. ‘Honestly, it’s great that you get to work from home but you do need fresh air every day. I wouldn’t wish a commute on you, but a little walk over to the park would do you good.’
‘I meant to, I just got busy.’ There was no way she’d admit that she hadn’t been outside since her jog on Sunday. ‘I’ll go out tomorrow, I promise.’
‘You’re going to get a Vitamin D deficiency.’
‘I said I’d go out tomorrow, didn’t I?!’
‘Whoa, what’s wrong?’
Sarah shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just … It’s … it’s Sebastian.’
‘What’s he done?’ Rachel demanded. ‘Sweetheart, if he’s upset you, he’ll get a good kicking from me.’
Sarah smirked at the idea of five-foot-nothing Rachel thumping Sebastian with one of her colourful handbags. ‘He hasn’t done anything to me, exactly. He just gave me the feedback for RecycLove, that’s all.’
Sarah watched Rachel’s expression shift from anger to guilt. As it should, she thought, knowing that she wouldn’t have this shite feedback if she hadn’t made her join.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Rachel asked.
‘Well, I’ll have to, won’t I, if you’re still helping me with my profile. We may as well get on with it.’
‘Do you want a glass of wine?’ Rachel asked.
‘Better chill a bottle,’ she said.
‘This sounds like a Noodle Shop night. I’ll ring Aziz.’
‘Actually, it’s not as bad as it could be,’ said Rachel after she finished reading the assessment. ‘You got full marks for being loyal and kind. And he did say you’re practical.’
‘Ta, Rachel. That makes me sound like a Girl Guide. It’s not exactly the ideal candidate for a hot romance, is it?’
‘He also gave you credit for being sporty.’
‘Ace. We’ll sew a fitness badge to my uniform then … I know you’re just trying to make me feel better but I’m in trouble here.’
She’d forget the whole stupid idea if she wasn’t so sure that she’d never meet anyone on her own. RecycLove might not be the answer, but at least it was amongst the multiple choice options.
Even if she wasn’t a total party girl, didn’t she deserve to meet someone too? There must be men out there for nice quiet women who didn’t mainline fashion magazines or keep up with the Kardashians.
She was getting seriously depressed about the whole thing.
‘What if I really am this boring?’ she whispered.
It wasn’t always fun being inside her head.
Rachel moved so quickly that Sarah flinched. She found herself gathered up in a bear hug.
‘You listen to me, you daft cow. You are not boring. If you were we wouldn’t be friends. You’re funny and clever and, yes, okay, you’re a bit of a dingbat sometimes but that doesn’t make you boring. The fact that we never know what’ll come out of your mouth actually makes you interesting. Now, that’s the end of that.’
Sarah sighed, once again grateful for her friend. Only Rachel would think to add an intriguing spin to her muppet housemate.
‘Will you let me help you with your profile?’
Sarah shrugged. ‘We may as well get this over with. Let’s see yours.’
Together they looked at Rachel’s online persona. Not only had she put up lots of gorgeous photos, she sounded funny and smart and a little bit sexy. Basically, she was every man’s wet dream. ‘I’m impressed,’ Sarah said.
She didn’t stand a chance if everyone on the site came across like Rachel.
‘So, the best way to start is by searching for yourself.’
‘Hello Rachel,’ she sang. ‘I’m not on there yet, am I?’
‘Hello Sarah,’ Rachel sang back. ‘Search for someone like yourself. You need to check out your competition. Then you use the best ideas from those to write the perfect profile. So go ahead, search for a woman, say twenty-six to thirty, non-smoker, university-educated, in London.’
Sarah did as she was told. Six hundred and thirty-one matches came up, page after page of smiling women. ‘Now I’m depressed.’
‘Don’t be! You’re way prettier than most of them. Show me the photo you want to use.’
‘I don’t know. You know I hate having photos taken.’
‘Well, I’ve got some of you on my phone. Maybe one of those will work.’
They scrolled through Rachel’s gallery.
‘There aren’t any good ones,’ Sarah muttered. Sebastian was right. She looked serious in every picture.
‘We need one of you smiling. I could take one?’
Sarah glanced down at herself, at her jogging fleece and her jeans that were baggy in the knees from daily wear. ‘I’m not exactly photo-ready.’
‘But you could be. Let me do your hair and make-up, and you must have at least one nice dress. Or you could borrow one of mine. We’ll pin it at the back. We can do a photo shoot!’ She clapped her hands together in glee.
‘Or,’ said Sarah, clapping along, ‘let’s just open one of my veins instead. It’d be less painful.’
‘I can’t help feeling that you’re not embracing this process. Come with me.’
Reluctantly Sarah followed her housemate.
There was no stopping Rachel once she got started. Half an hour and half a ton of slap later, Sarah hardly recognised herself.
‘There,’ said Rachel, tonging one last bouncy wave into Sarah’s dark blonde hair. ‘Stop touching your eyes. You’ll ruin your mascara.’
‘It feels like I’ve got conjunctivitis.’
‘It’s just the lashes sticking together a bit. You’ll get used to it. I think you look fantastic! What do you think?’
She stared at her reflection. ‘I look like somebody else.’
But maybe that’s what people wanted.
‘No, you look like you, only it’s the 2.0 version of you. Still the same program, but with extra enhancements.’
Sarah reached inside her bra and pulled out the gel pads. ‘I might not need this much enhancement. What are you doing with these anyway? You don’t exactly need more cleavage.’
‘I know,’ said Rachel, glancing at her bust. ‘They came with a bra I bought. You don’t really need them either. You’ve already got a killer figure, with those legs and no tummy. Basically, Sarah, you’re hot. You should wear dresses more often. You know you can borrow my boots whenever you like. Or any of my shoes.’
Sarah stared at herself. She vaguely remembered having a sense of style once upon a time, but she hadn’t bought new clothes since her mum’s funeral. And she’d thrown that outfit into the charity bin the day after. ‘If I let you come shopping with me, do you promise not to try to put me in anything you know I’ll hate?’
Rachel nodded solemnly. ‘And a make-up session too. I mean with a professional. Will you do that? The colours I used on your eyes aren’t exactly righ
t, because you’ve got cool tones and I’ve got warm ones.’
‘Next you’ll be dressing my aura,’ Sarah said.
‘I promise not to touch your aura. Let’s work on your profile now and worry about your make-up later. Sarah, do you trust me?’
‘Of course I do. I just let you stab a mascara wand at my eyes.’
‘Then please listen to me. Sebastian wasn’t right to slate you like he did, but maybe there’s some useful advice in that assessment. If we look at it rating by rating, there might be a few things that you want to change. I don’t mean anything important or fundamental to your personality.’
‘Did you and James have a lot of feedback for each other?’
Rachel nodded. ‘Sometimes it takes an outsider to show us where we can improve.’
Sarah tried to be offended that she was being asked to change, but she just couldn’t. She kept thinking about why she’d agreed to do this. She did want to meet someone. If it took a bit of pretence to do that, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Chapter Sixteen
Catherine
Catherine’s assessment night with Paul came round quickly. Too quickly on the day, as it happened. Magda was in the office again, meddling all over the business.
Catherine wondered at first whether her pregnancy was even real. It was a bit convenient for her to get knocked up so that Richard asked her to marry him. Suspicious. That’s all she was saying.
But then Magda threw up over the conference table and Catherine had to concede that it was probably true. Her ex-husband, who she once loved, was going to be a father. And Catherine wouldn’t be the mother. She made herself think about this, really think about it. She searched every nook and cranny within herself for some feeling of regret, or at least a bit of wistful longing. She even tried forcing out a few tears, just to see if she could get the ball rolling.
Nothing. It didn’t bother her. Why didn’t it bother her? What was wrong with her?
She was thirty-six. She might never have the chance Magda was getting to be a mother.
Never, she intoned to herself like the voice of doom.
But the only emotion she felt was relief that it wasn’t her.
She was, she now knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, childless by choice.
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