Keep Her Forever

by Maria Jackson

  I bit my lip. “So you’re saying that the makeover is an excuse to make out?”

  “I’m pretty sure of it,” she said. “I mean, it’s not her whole motivation, considering those clothes you wear…”

  A group of young women came through the front door, and I snapped to attention. “Guests are here. Gotta go.”

  When I got home that night, the makeover—style refresh—was on my mind. I noticed the floor was covered in fur, so I went to the closet to get the vacuum. Good thing the shedding had started after the maternity photo shoot Topaz insisted on. Diamond’s fur was lush and thick in the pictures she’d taken.

  Topaz appeared a minute later. “I noticed there was a lot of fur around lately,” she said. “Are dogs different from cats? Cats always shed so much in the spring, not the end of the summer.”

  “Dogs do, too,” I said with a laugh. “Diamond is shedding her stomach fur because of her pregnancy. It’s a sign that she’s getting closer. We should take her in for x-rays soon.”

  Topaz’s gorgeous eyes widened, and she looked adorably concerned. “She is getting close, isn’t she? Only a couple more days, I guess.”

  “Exactly. We should take her temperature, now that I think about it. I’ll show you how to do it.”

  I already had the special dog thermometer from previous fosters. I coated it in Vaseline, then called Diamond over. She came right away, although she seemed confused as I set her on top of the table.

  “Hold her still, if you don’t mind. This might freak her out.”

  I showed Topaz how to curl her arms under Diamond’s belly and hold her to her chest. She’d probably be grossed out when she realized how we were going to take the temperature. To her credit, the only hint she gave was a whispered, “Freaky.”

  “I’m going to lift her tail and insert this,” I told her. “If she wiggles or squirms, hold her tighter.”

  “I can do that.”

  This couldn’t be easy for her, but she was holding up well. Maybe better than me. It was a little hard to concentrate on Diamond’s temperature when a girl like Topaz was standing less than a foot away from me. Not that I was thinking about sex at the moment… not per se. I was just thinking about her.

  “When you do this on your own, be very careful.” I struggled to keep my voice steady. “Don’t put it in the wrong place.”

  Topaz snorted. “I think I can tell the difference.”

  “Right,” I laughed. “Insert it about an inch, then push the button. This thermometer takes thirty seconds to give a reading. When it beeps, you’re done.”

  It beeped.

  “So, she’s at ninety-nine degrees right now.” I took the thermometer out and disinfected it. “That’s a bit lower than I expected. Once she goes down to ninety-eight, that means she’ll give birth within the day.”

  “Oh gosh, she’s really close!”

  “Exactly. You’ll have to take her temperature yourself while I’m at work. You’re confident you can do it on your own? You know how to read the thermometer?”

  “Maybe.” Topaz moved closer to me, her hand brushing over mine as she reached for the thermometer. The screen had already shut off and she clicked a few times, trying to get it to turn on.

  Diamond turned in a few circles and sat in the middle of the table. I scratched her head, glancing at the profile of Topaz’s face. She was completely intent on what she was doing. She’d be fine doing this on her own.

  “That’s good,” I said. “You’re doing a great job.”

  As Topaz focused on the thermometer, I focused on her. The lines of her face were so pretty, and it was incredible how much she was trying to take care of this dog. Her fingers moved lightly along the thermometer. I stiffened, wishing her fingers could move like that over my body.

  I got up, accidentally standing close enough to feel her body heat. “She’ll probably stay at ninety-nine for some time.”

  “You think it’ll be a couple more days? What will I do if you’re at work when things start?”

  “I’ll be here as much as possible. You can even call me if she starts going into labor. It takes a little while, so I’d have time to get back here.”

  “You’d leave your job for the puppies?”

  “Oh, sure. My boss is used to me doing that.”

  “You’re so dedicated,” Topaz said. “Why do you care so much about dogs? Not that you shouldn’t, but it’s a bit unusual.”

  “Oh.” There was a reason, although I didn’t share it with most people. She’d asked, though… and I felt like I could trust her. I picked Diamond up and set her on the floor, not wanting to look at Topaz for this next part. “When I was sixteen, I got pretty badly injured playing hockey. I was on life support for three months.”

  “Holy shit,” she breathed.

  That awed reaction was why I didn’t tell a lot of people—but now that I’d started talking, I kept going. “I could’ve died, but I was given a second chance at life. After that, I started to recognize irrelevant bullshit for what it was. I was done with trying to be cool or impress people. I decided to devote myself to things that really made me happy, and things that made a difference in the world. Volunteering with dogs is both.”

  I paused, letting her absorb that before adding, “It also helped me decide to come out.”

  Topaz’s eyes met mine, and I inhaled her citrusy scent. “That’s amazing,” she said. “I’m so happy you’re here, and that you’ve been taking such good care of Diamond. I really don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

  “I don’t mind at all. It’s my pleasure. I love her. And I love spending time with you.” The words came out of my mouth as if I’d been mesmerized into telling the truth. She just had that effect on me. I should have stopped talking, but it was like I couldn’t help myself. “I love being around you.”

  “Me too.”

  The corners of Topaz’s lips turned up, and she put her hand on my shoulder. She was… stroking it? This felt decidedly non-platonic. Still tingling at the sensation of her fingers on my skin, I stared at her, trying to interpret her expression. It was a difficult task when my mind was going blank. Simply looking at her face had me aroused, and being so close to her, I was helpless.

  “I’m happy I moved in with you.” I was babbling now, saying whatever came into my mind. “And that I can help a little with Diamond.”

  Still touching me, she shook her head. “Not just a little. You’ve done so much for me and her. You impress me every day with how much you know about dogs, and how much you care. Now that I know why, I feel it even stronger. I admire you so, so much.”

  Why wasn’t she taking her hand off me? I knew she’d break away from me soon, that she wasn’t going to kiss me or anything. Hadn’t I decided she couldn’t be gay?

  “You impress me, too,” I whispered.

  As she leaned in and her lips pressed to mine, I knew I must have been wrong.

  That first peck was just a brief one, our lips pressing together for the space of an instant. It was still long enough for me to close my eyes and drink her in. I was still thinking about her sexuality when I felt her pull back.

  I opened my eyes and looked at her, panting . Now that she’d finally made a move, I wasn’t going to let this go. I grabbed her by the back of the head and pulled her in, joining our lips more decisively, showering her with firm, passionate kisses that I hoped would communicate all the desire and lust that had built up inside me over these past weeks.

  If my kisses were fervent, hers were equally so. She was no passive recipient of my ardor. She gave as good as she got, practically crushing my lips with her enthusiasm. I darted my tongue out, and hers came out to meet it. Stroking her hair, I pulled her in closer.

  Somewhere below us, Diamond nosed around the table legs. I didn’t know what she was doing at that point, but I trusted she was fine. My entire world had been reduced to the press of Topaz’s lips.

  After a long few minutes, Topaz’s soft moans were a wel
come new sound in my ears. I would’ve kept making out with her forever if she’d let me. I’d been waiting what felt like forever for this, and I’d almost convinced myself it was never going to happen.

  She was the most perfect woman for me that I could imagine, and as I sank into the embrace, I allowed my mind to run wild with fantasies of us being together. And not just for a month or two, either.

  Her and me, girlfriend and girlfriend… it was only natural at this point. I liked her and she liked me, so we would have to ride off happily into the sunset. That was how these things worked, right? Even if it’d never happened for me before.

  But when I drew back to look her in the eye, Topaz wrenched herself out of my arms.

  “Whoa!” She backed up to several feet away from me, hands raised as if to push me away. “The hell are you doing? I’m straight.”

  NINE—TOPAZ

  Having a pregnant dog was more stressful than I’d anticipated. Up to now, the puppies had only been a vague thought in the back of my mind.

  Diamond was totally different from when I got her, and I wished bad karma on whatever terrible soul had abandoned her on the street. Over the past weeks I’d been getting to know Diamond for herself—the friendly, sweet dog who loved to play and go outside.

  Now that we were in the final stretch, I couldn’t forget there were about to be six more itty-bitty animals that would grow up to be just like her.

  As I placed sandwich fixings on a plate, I glanced over at the beagle roughly every two seconds. She was nosing at the whelping box, checking out what was inside even though she’d already been in there a hundred times. She seemed to instinctively know that was where she was supposed to be right now.

  This morning her temperature was ninety-eight, a degree lower than it was yesterday. It’d dropped faster than I’d expected. I would’ve asked Heidi what to do about it, but she wasn’t around this morning. She left earlier than usual… and maybe I got up later to avoid her, too.

  I watched Diamond as she got out of the box and went up to my room. I could already guess she was going to go hide under the bed again. Other than the box, that was her favorite location today.

  I picked up her food bowl and followed after her, hoping I could get her to eat at least one or two pieces of kibble. It weirded me out that she hadn’t eaten all day. The Internet told me it was normal, but I would’ve felt better if I could’ve heard that from someone who knew for sure. Heidi, to be specific.

  When I got upstairs, Diamond was already at the other end of the bed, too far away for me to even push the food bowl over to her. I shoved it as far under the bed as I could, but she didn’t even sniff at it. Funny, she was restless sometimes, and then she’d go and hide for what felt like hours. I wished Heidi was here to tell me what to do, but I probably would’ve disappeared if I were in her shoes, too. She had to think I was crazy after last night.

  So I’d kissed her. It was just a peck. It didn’t have to mean anything. Then Heidi had to go and kiss me again. To draw it out. She made it go on and on and on, until my legs were jelly and my heart was pounding. In that moment, I was more aroused than I would’ve ever thought possible. Just by kissing me, Heidi did that.

  And yet I pulled away. I had to. What else was I going to do, stay there and keep going with her? Bad enough it’d happened once. She wasn’t going to be the one to make me act on all those fantasies I’d been denying for so long. I didn’t care if I wanted it. It wasn’t for me, and it never would be. Better for both of us if I didn’t give her false hope. Nothing was going to happen between us again.

  After heading back downstairs, I finished making my sandwich. The room was quiet, and I missed Heidi’s presence. I wondered if Diamond would go into labor before she got back from work. I couldn’t deal with calling her. I couldn’t even deal with thinking about her. The mental image of her face set my mind spinning.

  Somehow I made it through the afternoon. I was less than focused on my work, but I got enough time to call it a halfway productive day. I turned off the computer. The best plan for tonight was probably to stay in my room.

  I headed down to the kitchen and made a second sandwich, packing on the mayo and the vegetables. I wasn’t going to go near Heidi if I had a choice. It’d be too awkward. I couldn’t look at her without wanting her, and there was no way was I going to allow myself to want her. I was into men, not women. I had to keep telling myself that, because if I admitted anything else, I’d be completely fucked.

  I’d been through this once before. A long exhale escaped me as pain shot through my heart. After my initial coming-out, I’d been too scared to bring up my sexuality again. My mom was always a little softer-hearted than my dad… but not in this case. I had a feeling that any further discussions would lead to her crying and telling me how she had higher hopes for me.

  One day I told her I thought a boy in my class was cute. Mom’s relief was like a tidal wave washing over me. She didn’t say a word about my earlier confession, but she enveloped me in a hug. For the first time in months, I felt like she actually loved me.

  Diamond was napping in the living room when I went back to my bedroom. Thoughts of Heidi came into my mind for the millionth time. Just thinking about that make-out session turned me on.

  I flopped down on my bed, tempted to touch myself. Doing so would’ve finally brought me some relief, but I couldn’t allow myself to do it. That would’ve been opening a door that I vastly preferred to remain closed.

  The more I thought about it, though, the more I wondered if that door had already been opened.

  Maybe I’d screwed myself when I kissed Heidi last night. Or maybe the problem started long before that, with every time I reluctantly allowed myself to look at pictures of women and touch myself. I could still put a stop to it, though. It wasn’t too late. If I just cut it off now, made a clean break of it, I could resist doing any more of it. I could still force myself to be heterosexual.

  And actually touching Heidi again? That was way past out of the question. Even as my hand gravitated toward my belt line, I refused to think about the possibilities. I cupped my heat through my pants, biting my lip as I quivered on the bed. I couldn’t do this, no matter how much I wanted to.

  I couldn’t get off picturing Heidi’s lips on mine. Or thinking about my fingers deep inside her, or her tongue down my throat. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to dive between her legs. No way was I going to envision what her face would look like in the throes of ecstasy. I wouldn’t wonder if her skin would flush, or if she’d bite her bottom lip…

  Yet without thinking about any of those things, somehow my hand was still cupping myself. Heat coursed through the denim, and the slow, unconscious movements I was making were more than I could bear.

  I shouldn’t have been doing this—I should have stopped myself—but that was more than I could seem to do. My motions were rough and imprecise, nothing more than instinctively grinding the palm of my hand against my sex. But the motions were fierce and desperate, and even with a thick layer of fabric in the way, they drove me over the edge.

  A low groan passed through my lips. I sagged against the bed, my heart heavy.

  I’d failed.

  How was I ever going to get through the puppies’ birth? Maybe if I had a chance, I could try to do it on my own. It couldn’t be that hard to get a dog through labor. They could do it naturally, didn’t they? I shouldn’t need someone experienced to guide me through.

  Then again, even if I did manage to get through the birth by myself, how would I deal with seeing Heidi afterwards? She’d still be around, tempting me with her gorgeous looks and her light gray eyes. She’d be there every single day, supposedly my friend but really my torturer. I was never going to be able to deal with it. What if I asked her to move out? Would she go?

  Somewhere downstairs, I heard the door open. My heart nearly stopped, and my body went cold. That was her, the one person I’d been dreaming of all day.

  It was okay, I had a plan
. I’d stay up here and ignore her.

  “Hey, Topaz!”

  There was an odd note in her voice, urgent enough that I went out to the landing and looked down at her. “What is it?”

  “You better get down here right now. Diamond is going into labor.”

  TEN—HEIDI

  I could’ve killed Topaz for not already being there. Seriously, what was she doing sitting up in her room when she knew fully well that the dog was about to go into labor? Sure, it was her first time experiencing this, and she might not have known how close it was getting. But this wouldn’t have happened without Diamond’s temperature dropping first. Had she even bothered to check?

  Diamond lay in her cardboard box, panting with stress. Her anxiety was clear on her face. She had to be going through contractions right now, and there was no way for me to explain what was happening to her.

  The first water sac presented, and I washed my hands as quickly as I could. Right now wasn’t the time to be resentful of Topaz. Not for the fact that she wasn’t here when she should’ve been, and definitely not for anything else.

  Thinking about our relationship at the moment would’ve just been petty. It really, really wasn’t the time for that. And yet, as I turned my attention to the dog, I couldn’t help but think about it a tiny bit.

  Diamond’s fur was matted to her body as if she was sweating. I brushed a few tufts back from her face, hoping that’d cool her a bit. The sound of Topaz barreling downstairs made me stiffen. I refused to look at her. She could bring her dumb, closeted ass over here. I wasn’t about to extend her the slightest bit of sympathy.

  “So you decided to show up,” I burst out, my eyes still fixed on the dog.

  “What do you mean? I’ve been here all day. I’ve been watching Diamond so closely.”

  “Not closely enough. Diamond must have been in stage one of labor all day. She’s going into stage two now. That’s active labor. Full cervical dilation. Puppies coming out.”