Somewhere to Belong

by Caitlin Ricci

  “What happened to you?” Mason asked me as we headed into the office.

  I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal that the guy that I was bargaining my body with had used me as a punching bag too. “Nothing much. Just got mugged. It happens all the time in Denver.” It really didn’t. And I hadn’t even been in Denver last night except to drive down I-25 after getting off 6th Avenue.

  “Fuck. Do the police have any suspects? Tell me they arrested someone.”

  He was adorable and so damn naive. “They’re working on it.” Lying to him sucked. I knew he looked up to me, which was a stupid thing for him to do, and before Brent had come along, I’d always tried to stand up to whatever ideals he had for me. But now I felt like I was living a lie and any of the community service guys would have been a better role model for him. At least they were honest, generally, about their sins. I was still trying to pretend that Brent didn’t even exist most of the time. It had been easier before he started giving me all of the bruises. Back then I could only pretend he didn’t exist if I couldn’t feel the pain he’d left me in. Now I didn’t have that luxury.

  I opened the door to the office and froze as I caught sight of Grayson sitting behind Evaline’s desk. He looked up at me and frowned, and then his attention shifted over to Mason.

  I hugged my best friend again. “I’ll see you later.”

  Mason headed away. As soon as he was gone, I closed the door.

  “He’s not the one who’s doing this,” I told Grayson before he could start asking questions or go confront Mason.

  But Grayson shook his head. “I didn’t think he was. He doesn’t look nearly strong enough for the marks on you.” He got up from the behind the desk and came over to touch my cheek. I pulled away before he could get too close to me. “I want you to stay with me tonight.”

  I rolled my eyes and took a seat across the desk from where he’d been sitting. “I’m not really in decent shape for sex today, if that’s what you’re looking for. Now, why are you here? Again?”

  He sat down again in the chair across the desk from me, and I leaned back in my chair. I was so freaking sore and tired. Brent had been done with me quickly, but that didn’t diminish what had been done in the least, and a big part of me just wanted it to end. I was seriously considering homelessness at this point, at least for a little while until I was able to get a few more checks in the bank to afford first and last month’s rents plus a deposit on a new place, like every apartment I’d contacted was asking. My credit wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible either. The up-front money was the part I was struggling with.

  “I’ll tell you why I’m here if you tell me why you’re going through whatever it is that you’re doing.”

  I sighed as I stared up at the ceiling. Really, what did it matter at all if Grayson thought I was a stupid fucking whore as Brent liked to call me while he was screwing me? Or beating me as he’d done the night before? It didn’t matter, but I still couldn’t look at him as I confessed my sins to him.

  “My rent was increased, and I couldn’t pay it, so I took the option that let me not have to pay rent at all.”

  “I see.”

  There was no pity or condemnation in his voice. Only a quiet acceptance of my current reality

  “So why are you here?” I asked.

  “Because Evaline wanted me to go over more figures now that she’s moved some of the more medically care-intensive horses into foster homes. She’s on her way to an auction right now, and she wants to know how many horses she can bring in. I’m not her accountant and I have no desire to be, but I agreed to help her one more time.”

  I turned my head to smile at him. “She loves the horses.”

  “Yes, I’m sure she does.” He closed his laptop so that it was no longer between us. “I have an offer for you, one that I hope you fully consider before giving me an answer.”

  I frowned over at him, but he definitely had my full attention now. Not that he didn’t before, of course, but now he wanted something from me.

  “I’m listening,” I told him.

  “My house in Thornwood is nice, but it isn’t a home by any means. I inherited it from my father, and I’m rarely there. I didn’t even exactly like him, but I suppose having a house is a good thing. I’d like you to take care of it for me.”

  “Meaning what? Exactly?”

  He settled his weight in his chair, and the old plastic shifted with his movement. “I’d like you to consider coming to live with me. You’d only have to keep the house clean and—”

  I interrupted him as I tried to bite back on my anger. “And be your live-in fuck toy, right? No thanks. My situation may suck ass, but at least I have my own place.”

  Grayson was quick to shake his head. “No, I’m not saying that at all. If we want to have sex, that’s something that I believe we’ve both enjoyed in the past. But I’m not asking you to trade your body for a place to live.”

  I flinched, even though I’d tried not to, because that’s exactly what I’d been doing, and I absolutely hated it. But give up my apartment to live in his house? It was better than being homeless. But I didn’t know if that was really the answer. I didn’t like living with other people, and I didn’t know Grayson well enough that I felt that I could trust him.

  “How often are you in town?”

  He shrugged, but he did smile at me as if he was glad that I was giving his offer even the little chance that I was. “Maybe ten days a month, total. I leave again tomorrow morning, actually, so if you came over tonight, you could try it out, spend the night in your own room, and then you’d have the house to yourself for the next three days to try it out. As long as you keep the house neat and don’t break anything, I’d welcome your company while I’m in town, and while I’m away on business, I’ll know that the house is being taken care of, which will be a relief for me. Will you at least think about it?”

  I stopped leaning back in my chair. “Sure. On a trial period.”

  “Of course.”

  He looked happy with my decision, but I wasn’t done speaking yet. “You don’t own me. I’m not your personal sex toy, and if I want to meet up with someone else, even while you’re there, you don’t get to decide that for me.”

  Grayson’s smile lost some of its brilliance, but he nodded anyway, agreeing with my demands. “If there’s nothing else that you need right now, then I’ll make you an extra key this afternoon, and you can bring your things over tonight after you’re done with work.”

  Not so fast. “I’ll bring over enough to get me through the night,” I countered him.

  Grayson leaned across the desk toward me. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go back to your apartment. It’s not safe for you there.”

  That was an understatement, but he wasn’t going to win this round with me. “I’m not bringing all of my stuff over to your house with only a vague idea that I might like living with you. Give me a few days to get used to it, and then we’ll see.”

  But he didn’t look convinced. “I only want you to be safe, Eli. Don’t be so stubborn about your own well-being. We’ll be roommates. I won’t expect anything more from you. Have dinner with me sometimes, watch the news with me on the nights I’m at home if you want to. And you’d be welcome in my bed whenever you wanted to be there. But I’m not going to allow you to purposefully endanger yourself simply because you’re being too bullheaded to see the merits of coming to live with me.”

  He’d pushed me to the edge of what I was willing to put up with from him right then. I was being bullheaded? Right…. “Have fun working,” I said as I got up from the chair. I was done. I needed my independence, and I wasn’t prepared to sign my life and my home over to him when I didn’t even know if we could get through a night of living together yet.

  Grayson grabbed my wrist, and I looked down at his hand on my skin before I frowned over at him.

  “Eli….” He released me and sat back down. “I’m worried about you. But I’m not willing
to risk losing you either. I care about you too much. So, fine, just a few things tonight, then.”

  I rubbed my skin nervously where he’d grabbed me. He hadn’t hurt me at all. His touch had been too light for that. But it was a nervous gesture while I was thinking.

  “You shouldn’t care about me, you know.”

  He looked completely confused. “And why is that?”

  I was already halfway out the door when I turned back to look at him. “Because I’m not worth it. Tonight, then?”

  He simply nodded, and I went on with my day without ever signing into work like I’d meant to do when I first came into the office.

  Chapter Eight

  Grayson

  ELI SHOWED up on my doorstep at just after six. “Hello.” I stepped back to let him into the house. He’d only brought his backpack with him, but at least it looked full.

  “Hi.” He swallowed nervously.

  I tried to think of what he would need first. Not dinner probably. Or a glass of wine, not that I wasn’t already sipping on some moscato. “I’ll show you to your room, and you can put your things down there.”

  Eli gave me a tentative little smile, and I knew then that I’d made the right choice in where to take him first in my house. I led him upstairs, where there were three rooms. A bedroom on each side of the hall and a bathroom we’d share. It was the master bath, and I had direct access to it from my room, but he’d have to go through the hall. It was better than asking him to use the downstairs one where I’d showered with him before.

  “That will be your bedroom, this is the bathroom, and my bedroom is through that door, should you ever want to join me.” I looked over at him to gauge his reaction as he opened the door and went inside. There wasn’t much there to look at, a bed, a dresser, walls I’d had painted a pale, sunny yellow, back when I’d thought I’d ever have a use for the room as an office. He would have a good size walk-in closet, should he choose to use it.

  As I silently watched him, Eli went over and put his backpack down on the bed, which jumped a little under the sudden weight. The comforter was a dark tan. The catalog called the color coyote. I didn’t much care for it myself, but it went with the walls and didn’t clash with the dark hardwood floor.

  “If you need anything else, I’ll get it for you,” I promised him. I was still waiting for his reaction to the space I was giving him.

  Eli looked at me over his shoulder and gave me a shrug. “Sure. Thanks. But I think this will be fine. Assuming I choose to stay, which wouldn’t be more than a month at the absolute most, would I be allowed to put up pictures as long as I use the sticky back stuff and not nails or thumbtacks?”

  I had no problem with him putting up some art if he wanted to. “Whatever you’d like. What kind of paintings do you have?” I imagined that he might like Van Gogh. I could probably find a decently sized print of his sunflowers to go over the couch in the living room if Eli would have wanted that.

  But Eli gave me a look as if he didn’t understand what I was asking him. Until his expression cleared. “Oh. No. I have pictures of the horses I’ve helped rescue or the ones I helped get adopted. I like to have them up. When I have a tough day, it’s nice to be able to look at them and be reminded of the happy outcomes that are possible with all the hard work we do at the rescue. And you probably think that’s stupid.”

  He was blushing heavily as he turned away from me, and I came up behind him to wrap my free hand around his stomach. He froze under my gentle touch, but I ignored that fact as I kissed the back of his neck and hoped that in time he would become far more relaxed around me.

  “I don’t think that’s stupid at all. I wish I had something I could point to at the end of the day besides my bank account to tell me that the hours I spent with my clients and in airports and on airplanes was somehow worth it all.”

  I was envious of him having that, and of the selfless work that he did. I kissed the back of his neck again before I released him, but this time he moved to the side, giving me more access to his neck. I gently flicked my tongue out over his earlobe, and he giggled before pulling away. But instead of trying to get away from me, now he was just playing, and I wished I could enjoy the moment with him, but I was fairly certain that the ravioli would be done by now.

  “Have you already eaten dinner?” I asked him.

  “Do you have enough for two? I can go to the grocery store if you don’t. That’s not a big deal to me. I sort of eat cereal for most of my meals when I’m alone.” He blushed from embarrassment this time, and I took his hand and led him back down the stairs.

  I hadn’t known when to expect him, but I had chosen something that was easy to divide just in case he’d arrived around dinnertime, and now I was glad that I had. “Take a seat at the island.” I lacked a real dining table. I rarely saw the use for one, and instead of considering the benefits of one now, I poured him a glass of wine and got to plating dinner.

  “For not even knowing how old I am, you sure like to give me alcohol.”

  I looked up from where I was plating the butternut squash ravioli to find him smiling at me. “I do, though. It’s on your profile. Or, rather, your age range is. Twenty-three to twenty-seven.”

  He sipped his wine and didn’t look nearly as put off by it as he had been with the red I’d given him before. Maybe he greatly preferred sweet white wines. “I’m twenty-five.”

  Nearly half my age. I knew better than to mention that, though. “How old were you when you first started using the app?”

  “Perfectly legal to have sex, but not old enough for the beers I drank that night. But they helped. I wasn’t nearly as nervous.”

  I’d stopped plating so that I could look at him across the island. “Were you capable of saying no, if you’d wanted to?”

  Eli put his wine down. “Are you asking me if I was raped when I lost my virginity? Because if you are, then no, I wasn’t. He was…. Fine. Most of the guys on the app aren’t exactly nice, and I’ve found out since then that he’s pretty much the norm when it comes to the guys there. But he wasn’t mean about it either. He didn’t know it was my first time, and I sure as hell didn’t say anything about it. I was too nervous to even tell him my name at the time. I’ve since learned his, and he knows mine, but that’s about it.”

  While I was glad that he hadn’t been raped for his first time, I couldn’t exactly understand how anyone would choose to use a hookup app as a way of losing their virginity. The whole concept was completely foreign to me. Hadn’t he dated anyone who would have been a better bet for the first person he jumped into bed with than a complete stranger? I decided to hold off on my questions for a while. He was already doing more talking than I was used to.

  “I hope you like ravioli,” I said as I put his plate in front of him, with an apple and pecan salad in a small bowl beside his main plate. I came over with my dishes and our silverware to sit beside him on one of the stools.

  He dug in, and I smiled at his obvious delight in a meal that was so simple. The ravioli had come from the grocery store down the hill. The sauce was just butter and a bit of brown sugar, and the salad had been prepackaged. It was an easy meal that had taken me fifteen minutes to make, most of which was waiting for the water to boil. I always forgot how long it took for water to heat up in Colorado. It had something to do with the altitude, just as baking never turned out quite right here unless I used the high-altitude directions. Thankfully I didn’t run into that problem very often as I wasn’t a baker. I rarely ever even cooked for myself, unless a simple meal like this counted.

  “There’s no reason for you to have to buy groceries with your own money while you’re here, so I’ll leave you a monthly cash allowance for food. If you want to cook for me while I’m here, too, I certainly won’t turn you down.”

  He nodded and kept eating. “Is stuff like this what you usually eat, then?”

  I didn’t exactly have a preferred meal type. “I suppose so. A salad or vegetables with every meal and somethi
ng else as well. What do you like to eat?”

  I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye. He was nearly done with his dinner. “Really cheap pizza and cereal. Drive-through if I can afford it.” He acted as if that kind of a lifestyle didn’t bother him. I chose not to mention how unhealthy that type of a diet was for him. I imagined he’d probably heard it all before.

  He finished dinner and seemed to hesitate for a moment before piling up his empty dishes and taking them to the sink. For a moment I thought he was just going to leave them in there and we’d have to have a talk about cleanliness, which I definitely was not looking forward to, but then he rinsed off his plate and bowl and put them in the dishwasher.

  “The wineglasses should only be hand washed,” I told him.

  “Do you have wine with every meal?”

  Did I? I hadn’t really thought about that. And since I didn’t like eating breakfast, I chose not to correct him there. “I often do with dinner, but not so much with lunch. Do you?” I knew the answer even as I was asking him.

  He left the washed wineglass on the counter before turning around to face me. “I like soda, but I’m trying to drink more water. Evaline likes to lecture me about how unhealthy soda is when she sees me drinking one early in the morning. She doesn’t know how late I’m up from the night before, and sometimes I need that boost of caffeine to even become functional. Orange juice is nice too, when I’m not dragging ass.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and leaned against the counter. “How do you really feel about me having friends over? Would you prefer that I do that only when I’m at my own place? He doesn’t bother me when I have people over, if you were wondering about that, so I could go back to my place. No problem.”

  I’d finished eating, but I wasn’t entirely sure what to say to him at that point. “Are you asking if you can bring guys from the app here to have sex with them? And while I’m here as well? Or are you asking if you can have a friend over to watch TV?”