Somewhere to Belong

by Caitlin Ricci

  “I am—”

  Whatever Grayson was going to say got cut off by Nigel. “No, thank you. I like to dine at places that might be a bit too highbrow for you. What do your parents do?”

  That was a sensitive subject, and I didn’t need the added insult. I looked to Grayson to assist me in this since his friend was being intentionally mean now.

  “No answer? How about where you went to college? Or did you not graduate from high school?”

  I gave Grayson exactly three seconds to say something in my defense. Anything. I would have taken him throwing Nigel out of the house, but aside from that, a good word about me would have been nice too. I had good qualities. He could have used any of them. By the third second, I would have taken him telling Nigel how good I was in bed, just so he said something. But he didn’t. He just stood there, looking like a statue. So I went upstairs to grab my sneakers and headed back down to the front door. Grayson still hadn’t said anything.

  “Actually, you two have fun. I forgot that I have to do a house assessment tonight. Sorry, Grayson, another time for dinner would be better. See you, Nigel.” I grabbed my phone, my keys, and my wallet, and then I was gone. I stormed down Grayson’s driveway and away from his house. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to drive so I walked. I cut into the woods to avoid people, especially if either of them decided to get in their cars to come looking for me. I was so tempted to slash Nigel’s tires, but I refrained. To me, a person’s friends were a reflection of themselves. Grayson wouldn’t have kept Nigel around if he didn’t get along with him, and for him to be able to stand Nigel, that meant he had to have something in common with him. So ten minutes into my storm-off session, I was convinced that there were two Graysons. There was the one I saw who was sweet to me. Then there was the one who thought I was beneath him and likely couldn’t be trusted to eat at the same table without making a complete mess of the dinner and an utter fool of myself. And if that was the case, then I didn’t want anything to do with either half of him.

  For some reason I found myself near Caleb’s house, not that being there was all that surprising. It was too small of a town to really get lost in. I was probably more likely to get eaten by a mountain lion than to actually lose my way. It hadn’t even taken me twenty minutes to get to his brightly lit magazine-style log cabin.

  With a sigh I knocked on the door. I didn’t need to see his barn or his horses, but I did need an excuse to be somewhere and cool off, and being around horses always did that for me. Caleb’s horses were the only ones I could get access to at such short notice, and besides, I didn’t think he would really mind.

  Thankfully Caleb, and not one of the other people I could hear talking inside, came to the door. “Eli? What are you doing here?” There was more worry than accusation in his voice. Maybe I looked like shit or something. I didn’t think I’d been crying enough for someone to notice, but I could have very easily been wrong about that, just as I had been about Grayson actually liking me for more than just sex.

  “Surprise horse well-being and barn inspection.” Never mind that I didn’t have a clipboard, and that I was dressed like I was going out.

  Caleb looked me up and down and opened his mouth like he was going to protest, but I beat him to it.

  “By fostering and adopting any horses from Green Acres, you give their representative, that’s me, access to assess the horse or horses in your care and the property they’re on, for any signs of mistreatment or, in the case of property, repair.”

  Caleb held his hands up in defense. “I know what I signed. You nazi. Come on down to the barn. I was just surprised to see you.” He shut the door behind himself, and I followed him down the driveway to the slight hill and into the barn, where a big gray gelding, a paint gelding, a blue roan gelding, and a black mare stood in their stalls. The gray and paint geldings had been part of the rescue. I didn’t know who the other two horses belonged to but I assumed Caleb’s nephews, who had moved in with him at some point. I didn’t follow his family drama at all, and I had no interest in it.

  I let myself into the paint’s stall. His name was Hawk, and Caleb had been taking care of him for years. He’d adopted him, just like he had with the gray gelding. The stall door rattled as I closed it behind myself, and Hawk tossed his head and put his ears back in irritation.

  “Easy,” I told him gently as I ran my hands in long, soothing strokes over his neck and shoulders. He looked great. I didn’t need to be there. But since Caleb was still watching me, I had to go through the motions of making sure he was okay. So I ran my hands over each of his legs. “Any lameness?”

  “None.”

  I could tell that just by touching the thin muscles over his legs. They were powerful, but they were stretched thin over long bones that were made for running, jumping, and getting hurt easily.

  “How’s his temperament? Any issues with training?”

  “He’s stubborn, but we’re being patient with him. He’s smart, too, which is a bad combination when we ask him to do something, like take a bit, and he knows how to knock us over to get away from doing anything we want him to.” He chuckled, and I was glad he didn’t seem angry about it at all. “Now, you want to tell me why you’re really here?”

  I bit back a sigh and continued my pretend evaluation of Hawk by walking around him. He was absolutely beautiful, with big white patches over his red coat. I loved paint horses and all the varieties they came in.

  “I already told you. I’m assessing. You don’t have to be here for this.”

  Caleb came over and leaned on the stall door so that we were looking at each other. “Actually, I think I do. Does this have something to do with Trent? Do you still care about him?”

  I laughed so hard Hawk flattened his ears against his head and tried to run at the door where Caleb was standing. He didn’t get up enough speed to really get far, so I was able to get between him and the door and push against his chest.

  “Whoa. Easy there, big boy. I’m sorry. My mistake.” I stroked his neck and his face while I kept apologizing to him until he was much calmer. “There you go. Good boy. That’s a good boy.” When he was all better, I looked back over at Caleb. “I don’t want Trent. That has nothing to do with this.”

  “And you’re not going to tell me what this is, are you?” he asked me.

  I shook my head, but part of me wanted to talk to Caleb. He was a semineutral party, and he got along with horses. To me that meant I could maybe share some of what I was going through.

  “I just…. You ever feel like you need to be with someone who doesn’t expect anything from you? Well, that’s how the horses are to me. I’m tired of….” I couldn’t say having sex with people who didn’t give a damn about me. As much as I liked Caleb, I didn’t know him well enough to share something like that with him. “Being used,” I decided to finish off by saying.

  Caleb straightened up and gave me a nod, like maybe some part of him did understand. “I get it. Take all the time you need. When you’re done, come up to the house and let me know you’re leaving. Okay? Just don’t fall asleep out here.”

  I laughed shakily, though I did keep my voice much quieter this time around. “Sure. I’ll come say bye.”

  “Okay.”

  Caleb stepped back, and for the next hour, I had Hawk all to myself until Trent came into the barn.

  “Caleb said I’d have as long as I needed,” I protested even before Trent was able to say anything.

  “Yeah, but that was before Grayson Pendleton reported you missing.”

  I groaned and leaned against the wall of the stall, which still kept a sleepy Hawk between us as he lightly dozed. “I was gone for less than two hours. And I’m an adult. Aren’t there rules about calling people ‘missing’ in this situation?”

  Trent smiled at me. “Sure, if this was Denver. But here if some guy says his boyfriend ran away, we tend to notice. Especially if that boyfriend is hiding out in my husband’s barn. So how long have you been dating Grayson?�
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  I was surprised anyone would use that term to describe us. “We’re not.”

  “Eli….” He was acting like he was trying to warn me away from lying to him since he was a cop.

  Too bad for him I’d just about hit my limit with the whole human race for the night. “We’re not dating. We met on the app. I’m his live-in fuck toy.” Being blunt with him seemed to work because instead of saying anything else to me, he just blinked.

  It took him a good five minutes to recover enough to speak to me again. “Do you want a ride back up to his house? Assuming that you’re going back there tonight?”

  I’d need to run by there to get my car at the very least. Then I could figure out how to get my stuff another time after I was back in my apartment. But going back to my place made me want to hurl at the thought of Brent being there, waiting for me to get home and coming over uninvited to hurt me again in whatever sick, twisted way he wanted. I’d had three whole days without him, and they’d been pretty perfect overall, up until tonight when Nigel had to come in and ruin it for us.

  “Sure. I might as well go back. Thank Caleb for me please? For letting me hang out with Hawk for an hour?”

  “Yeah. No problem. Do you want to talk about stuff?”

  I shook my head as I came out of the stall and walked beside him up to his cruiser. He unlocked it, and I got in the front without asking him if that was okay. I’d never been arrested, so I’d never sat in the back of a cop car, and I wasn’t about to start now. It smelled like old diner takeout food, and I thought he seriously needed to get it detailed.

  “You used to be so happy. That night we met, you were practically bubbly. What happened to you, Eli?” Trent asked me even though I thought I’d made it pretty clear that I didn’t want to talk to him about anything. But he was driving and asking me questions. I only had to hold out for a few minutes. But maybe talking to him would feel better. Maybe I’d get a reaction out of him when he actually knew the whole truth about our one night together.

  “I learned that men are only interested in sex.”

  He shrugged like it was no big deal. “Guys from the app generally are. But—”

  “I haven’t been with anyone who wasn’t on the app.” I cut into whatever he was going to say.

  Trent shot me a look. “But…. But….” He was starting to connect the dots. “You were an app virgin when we met. Bright shiny new unfilled heart on your profile. I remember it because it wasn’t a symbol I’d seen before. I had to look it up to see what it meant.”

  “I was a virgin virgin when we were together,” I clarified for him. And the guys had all been just like him. Very few of them wanted my name. None of them really cared what I liked or if they were being too rough for me. If they were hurting me. I used a plug so that they couldn’t rush me, and I brought condoms with me so I stayed safe. Other than that, I didn’t make the rules. Sometimes I’d go to meet with one guy, and he’d have friends there, and I’d stay because I didn’t want them to laugh at me. Sometimes the guy would be way older than he said he was. And sometimes I got slapped around a bit while I was being fucked. It was just sex. Just guys using other guys like how it always was.

  Trent stopped the car on the side of the road, then turned to me. “Eli. Shit. I’m sorry. I was an asshole back then. According to Caleb, I still am sometimes. I didn’t know… I should have never treated you like that.”

  I shook my head. I knew better than that now. “Guys treat each other like things to be used. That’s how the world works. You were just the first to show me that. I’m not mad at you for that. I just don’t want to revisit it with you.”

  Trent reached for my hand, but I pulled it back quickly. I definitely did not want him touching me tonight, not when I felt so raw and flayed open. I’d thought Grayson was different, but he wasn’t. Not really. He’d been nicer than the others, but I’d still been his thing to fuck when he wanted.

  “Maybe instead of blaming all the other guys, why don’t you ask yourself why you are only with people who use the app? I know people on there can be assholes. I was one of them. But you’ve got the choice not to be with them. You could just uninstall the app and go download a new one from one of those dating sites that says they get people married.”

  I groaned. Marriage absolutely wasn’t for me. At least not right now. Maybe not ever. But he did have a point. “Are some people not like that, then?”

  “Are you asking me if most guys won’t just use you if they get the chance? Because no, there will always be people like that out there. The trick is to figure out how to stand up for yourself and decide that you don’t want them to be like that with you.”

  I eyed him warily. He’d been one of those guys for me. He’d been the first of those guys. And every guy after him had been a repeat of how I’d felt with Trent when he refused to return my messages or see me again. Had I let myself be used all this time? And, if I had, did that mean that I’d somehow not only allowed it, and accepted the behavior of the other guys, but that I’d wanted it? Was my self-esteem really that fucked up?

  “It’s just something to think about,” Trent said as he got us back onto the road and headed toward Grayson’s house.

  Five minutes later he pulled to a stop in front of the driveway. “Do you want me to come in with you?”

  He was asking because of the yelling I could hear even within the car. I couldn’t make out what Nigel and Grayson were talking about, but maybe he could. “I’ll just go in and get a few things. I was just going to get my car, but I think it would be best if I got the rest of my stuff right now too.”

  “I could come in and make sure you’re safe while you get them,” he offered again.

  And then I realized what he was really saying. “Grayson isn’t going to hurt me.” I was absolutely sure about that. “And this isn’t a domestic violence issue either. His friend was an ass to me so I left.”

  “And what did Grayson do?”

  I turned and glared up at the house, where I could see Nigel and Grayson walking back and forth behind the curtains. With the light from the living room shining out, I could clearly make out their silhouette.

  “If he’d said anything, I wouldn’t have left. That was the problem.” I opened up the door and started to get out, but I swung my attention back to Trent. “Thanks for the ride. And the talk.”

  Trent rolled his hands over the steering wheel. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

  He didn’t need to do anything for me. I’d already gotten over it, and it had been years ago. I felt better now that he knew everything, but it wasn’t like it was a new memory or even like I’d opened up some old wound. That night with him had just been the start of the nights I’d had with guys from the app. There’d been some sexual freedom in it, at first, but now I just felt wrong and empty.

  “Treat Caleb right,” I finally decided to say.

  “Sure. I like to think that I do. He married me, so I must have been doing something right.”

  I rolled my eyes and got out of the car. Going up to Grayson’s front door was difficult, but the yelling stopped as soon as I came in. Grayson grabbed me in a hug before I could even close the front door.

  “Hi.” I patted him awkwardly on his back.

  “When you left I was worried about you.” He released me and stepped back.

  I put some more distance between us too, which backed me up against the island. “I was fine. I went to go hang out with a horse for a while. And right now I’m just back to get my things, and then I’m going.”

  His eyes got wide. Nigel was apparently forgotten as Grayson stepped close again and rested his hands on my chest and then my hips. “Please don’t leave. We’ll talk. Nigel will apologize for what he said.”

  Nigel snorted from across the room, and I moved out of Grayson’s hold to be able to see his friend better. “So? What’s the issue? I’m too young, too stupid, too what?”

  Nigel sneered at me. “All those things and
so much more. You’re screwing Grayson Pendleton, of the Virginia Pendletons, which is fine when you were just someone he shared hotel rooms with. But now you’re here, living in his house, and he’s calling you his boyfriend? What game do you think you’re playing at? It’s gold-digging little sluts like you that ruin perfectly good men.”

  Grayson stepped up beside me and rested his hand on my lower back. “Nigel, that’s enough. I’ve already asked you to leave a few times now. I’d really like you to go.”

  If he wasn’t leaving by now, I didn’t know why Grayson kept bothering. Clearly Nigel thought what other people wanted wasn’t of any importance to him. I was glad that Grayson was trying to stick up for me, but really it didn’t seem to be doing much good at this point.

  “What I’m playing at, is that I like him too. He’s a friend. I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend, and it’s not like we’re sharing a room. We’re just two people who were living together up until tonight, and most of that time, he wasn’t even in town.” I took a deep breath, because there was more and this part I needed Grayson to understand. So I turned and gave my attention fully to him. “I’m not out for your money. I don’t even care that you have any. You could be as broke as me and I’d be completely fine with that. But what you did tonight, how you didn’t stick up for me before, that wasn’t okay. And that’s why I’m leaving.”

  I headed upstairs and started gathering my stuff together. There was more yelling, then the front door slammed. A few minutes later, Grayson came up to the bedroom he’d given me. It wasn’t my room, but I had started to think of it like that in the days since I’d brought my stuff into it. But now it was just a room I’d been occupying for the past few days. It was stupid, but I felt bad that I hadn’t washed the sheets. I’d meant to, but I’d also meant to leave when I was much calmer too if I didn’t stay for the full month.