Somewhere to Belong
Page 14
I moved over to the other side of the bed, instead of in the middle where I’d been sprawled, to give him some more room. “Of course it is. You’re always welcome in here.”
“I want you to know, though, that I’m not moving into your room. I still need my own. Even though this is my second night in here.”
He was surprisingly articulate for someone as tired as he looked. I patted the bed beside me, urging him to get under the covers, which he did, but he was a bit stiff about it as if he was slightly uncomfortable.
I kissed the back of his neck, then his shoulders, as I came up behind him and pressed myself against the warmth of his shower-heated body. “I don’t expect you to be in here every night,” I told him. And each of my words seemed to ease him a little bit as I felt the tension drain out of him as he began to relax against me. “I know you still want your own room. I insist on it. I like having my space too. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever turn you away when you come to me.”
He breathed deeply and let his breath out on a sigh. He seemed relieved by my words and the promise in them. “Is it okay if we only ever share your bed? That way if I don’t come to you, then you know I want to sleep by myself and just be alone for the night?”
I couldn’t imagine what would make him not want to be near me, but I nodded anyway. Maybe he was thinking ahead to the eventual reality of when we would argue at some point and he might want to be alone. The other option was one that I instantly hated.
“As long as you don’t have someone else in your bed with you.”
“I may never have dated anyone before you, but I do understand the concept of commitment. I’m monogamous. I hope you are too.”
I smiled against his damp hair, which smelled like my sandalwood shampoo. That one small detail made me happier than I could have imagined. “I am. I deleted the app this afternoon.”
“I’ll get rid of it in the morning.” He sighed and sounded as if he was barely holding on to staying awake at this point. I knew he wouldn’t last much longer before he was completely asleep, which was good because I was closing in on unconsciousness as well. “It’ll be nice. Not to have it, I mean. To know that if I want to have sex with someone, you’re right here. And I trust you. You don’t hurt me.”
I squeezed him close and hated that his definition of a good person to be with seemed to hinge on someone who didn’t hurt him. There was so much else to consider, but he’d been through so many people who had left a negative impact on his life that I wasn’t surprised by his words in the least. I was saddened by them, though.
I kissed his neck again. “I won’t ever hurt you.”
“You don’t know that. You could get really mad and say something you don’t mean one day.”
He was right. I could. So I amended what I’d promised him. “I won’t ever physically hurt you, and if I say something mean, I won’t ever actually intend to say it.”
“That’s better. Night, Grayson.”
I smiled at the back of his head. “Good night, Eli. Sleep well.” He was snoring lightly within a few minutes, and I was quick to join him.
Chapter Fifteen
Eli
WE HAD breakfast at the diner the next morning, then went for a walk around the woods of Thornwood. It was all government land, so it wasn’t like we were trespassing at all. As we walked between the trees, with my hand in his, I was instantly jealous of Caleb and how he got to ride horses through such a beautiful place every day. When I rode it was for work; I hadn’t taken a horse out for a pleasure ride in years. There was always a purpose to it whether I was doing some training, evaluating a new rescue, or exercising a horse that hadn’t been ridden in a while. I never left the arena, and I was always on a schedule. It must have been really nice for him to be able to just go out and decide to explore the woods for a while.
“I set up a meeting with Evaline for tomorrow morning while you were still asleep. Then I’ll be gone from tomorrow afternoon until Saturday.”
My expression must have fallen instantly with my dislike of the idea of him being gone because he laughed and tacked on, “It’ll only be for two days.”
I nodded, but I still didn’t like it. “I know. I wish you didn’t have to go, though. What do you even do while you’re gone, anyway?”
He helped me around a thick tree root that I was ready to trip over. “I mostly fire people, or rather get them fired.”
I didn’t really know what to say to that, at least something that wouldn’t sound horribly judgmental, so I kept my mouth shut.
“But I want to do something different. You’ve inspired me to want to move in a new direction.”
I nearly did fall right then. I’d never inspired anyone before. It was a big word and a bigger feeling, and I didn’t know what to do with it because when Grayson looked at me right then, I thought I could practically see how much he cared about me, and maybe even loved me, so clearly on his face. I wanted to run, but I also wanted to stay, and I didn’t know what to do because I suddenly felt as if I was suffocating under the weight of how much he cared about me. I plopped to the ground on my ass and needed to breathe for a few seconds, so I put my head between my knees, because that’s what everyone says to do, and I gasped deep gulps of air into my lungs.
Grayson went to his knees beside me and rubbed my back. “Eli? What’s wrong?”
As soon as I was able to breathe normally again, I looked over at him. “Do you love me?”
He was quiet for a long moment as he just stared at me. Then he nodded, and his hand went still on my back. “I do.”
I turned toward him so that I was sitting directly in front of him. I took his hand in mine, and I stared at it as I wondered what, exactly, I was supposed to say to that. “No one has ever loved me before.”
“Is that why you just went into a panic? Because you figured out that I love you before I was ready to tell you?”
He sounded annoyed, and I smiled warily up at him. “Yes? A bit. That sounds really bad, though, so just pretend I saw a rattlesnake or something instead. I just… I don’t know. It’s so big.”
“What is?” Grayson looked genuinely confused.
I thought the answer was obvious. “Being loved. It’s huge. It’s wanting to spend every day together. It’s being happy that the other person is around. It’s being sad when you’re gone. It’s missing you all the time when I have to work. It’s overwhelming at times. Like I’m losing parts of me that are being taken over by wanting to be with you.”
He pushed me back onto the moss and fallen leaves, and I didn’t fight him at all as he lay over me and pinned me to the ground with his weight. “Are you saying that you love me too?”
Maybe I was. I nodded, though I was terrified to say the words. He kissed me gently, and I lay limp under him. Love was giving up something. Wasn’t it? It meant no longer caring about anything else but that person. It meant that nothing else mattered. And I wasn’t ready to give up everything that I cared about. I didn’t want to stop caring about Mason, and I needed to work at the rescue. I wasn’t ready to give my life over to Grayson and never have anything else.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me, probably because I hadn’t been kissing him back.
I didn’t know how to explain everything that I was feeling to him. It sounded like madness inside my head when I thought about it, but he seemed perfectly rational and calm. “I can’t give up everything right now. I’m sorry.”
Grayson frowned down at me. “Give up what? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“When people fall in love, they stop caring about other things….” I said the words slowly as if I was talking to a child because Grayson clearly didn’t seem to understand what I was saying. Maybe he hadn’t figured out that part of love yet, and that’s why he was so ready to rush into it. Or maybe he was at the stage in his life where not being who he was five minutes ago was okay with him. He did talk about wanting to change his life, so I figured that was probably it.
I nodded. That’s what love was. That’s what people did. She said that she was in love with the men that she was with, and that’s why we couldn’t do things together anymore.
“Were you neglected after that?” Grayson asked me.
I had to think about that for a while. I’d been making my own meals for a while at that point, and I’d always gotten myself ready for school on my own ever since first grade when I’d been told to do it myself. I didn’t have an honest answer, not one that was clear anyway.
“I don’t know. I had food. I had money to go get clothes when I needed them.”
“But you weren’t loved.” Grayson filled in the gaps for me.
I hadn’t been. My mother had been all about my father, and he’d been all about his drugs. There was no room for me in that world, even after my dad’s death. She’d latched onto the next person who was willing to pay attention to her, and I was left in the background.
“No wonder you have such a misconception about what it means to be in love and to even feel love.” He sounded sad, like he was close to pitying me.
“I don’t want your pity,” I told him, but my voice was a weak whisper instead of the snap I’d meant to bring into it.
He leaned down and kissed me again, and this time I kissed him back gently. He didn’t put his tongue between my lips, only brushed his mouth over mine in a kiss that left me warm and knowing that he cared about me.
“I’m not pitying you, Eli. I’m admiring your strength and your resilience. What you’re describing, that’s not love. That’s obsession and probably a lot of codependency. When I tell you I love you, it means I enjoy the times we spend together. But it’s healthy to want time apart too. I haven’t stopped being friends with Nigel, and I’m still doing my job. I haven’t lost anything by loving you. I haven’t given anything up. I’ve gained you in my life. And if you started leaving things behind in your own life to be with me, I’d be disappointed in your choices. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I was trying to, but this was years of my thoughts that he was trying to get through. “Maybe. A bit. I’m sorry.”
He smiled down at me. “Don’t be. I want you to talk to me if the idea of us being in love ever makes you scared or anxious. Can you do that for me? Please?”
I could easily agree to that. Talking to him was one of the things I liked most about when we were together.
“Good.” He slid off of me, and I sat up too. He offered me his hand, and we were back to walking through the woods after that. I figured he had to think I was crazy by now, if he hadn’t already come to that conclusion on his own. But he didn’t seem to think so. Instead it was as if he couldn’t stop touching me. He kept brushing his fingers over my hand or reaching out to rub my shoulder or run his hand down my spine. I liked all of his touches and didn’t shy away from a single one of them. I took his hand as we walked, and with the quiet of the forest around us and my racing heart slowing down and back to normal after my bout of panic, I felt as though I was coming close to something that might have been like peace.
Chapter Sixteen
Grayson
THE NEXT morning we drove in different cars even though we were both going to the rescue. I had to leave shortly after my meeting with Evaline, and Eli would be there until late. Once we got there, and I pulled in next to his beat-up old car, we got out and I went to him. The hour I’d spent driving close to him on the highway had been far too long for him to be apart from me. I’d had no idea that letting him know how much I cared about him would make me hate being apart from him.
I hugged him when he was barely out of his car. He melted against me, and I smiled into his hair. I loved that he didn’t move away from me even though there were a few people who could see us, one of them being his friend Mason, who waved at me.
I kissed Eli, briefly, to keep even a hint of professionalism between us while we were both working. I didn’t want there to be any problems for him because of my need to be close to him. He stayed in my arms even after the kiss, just standing there with his head on my chest as a cool breeze blew through the parking lot.
“I should get to work,” he said after a few minutes in which we’d been silent.
I was probably already late. But I didn’t want to let him go. “I’ll say goodbye to you after my meeting. And it’ll only be a few days that I’ll be in Boston anyway.”
He pulled back and smiled up at me. “I think it’s funny that we used to go weeks apart and you didn’t even know my name and we were fine. Now five minutes seems to be too much time away from you. It’s kind of terrifying.”
I chuckled and cupped his face as I kissed him again. “I guess it is. I’ll see you soon.” He nodded, and I stepped back this time. I took his hand, and we went into the office. I didn’t know what he needed to do, but I was there to meet with Evaline. She got up from the desk and kissed my cheek as Eli bent over a clipboard on the desk. I watched him curiously until I realized he was just signing into work.
“Here you go, honey,” Evaline said as she handed Eli a handwritten list of tasks. He had six things to do, which might not have been too many, except that I had no idea how long something like Get Topaz to lift up her feet for grooming would take him.
“Cool. See you in a few hours for lunch.” He met my gaze, and I wasn’t sure what would be appropriate to say in front of his boss. “Come see me before you go?”
“I already promised I would. If I can’t find you, I’ll ask around until I do.”
He smiled at me, and his attention momentarily shifted to Evaline, who gave him a quick nod. Before I could even react to his quick movements, he got up on his toes and kissed me on my cheek. I caught his blush before he was out of the little makeshift office.
“You two are lovely together. It’s good to see Eli around someone that makes him smile. I was starting to wonder if he’d ever find someone to be serious about. At least he never considered Mason as a viable option. That boy needs to grow up quite a bit before he’d be a good romantic interest for anyone,” Evaline said as she retook her seat. “Now, why did you want to speak with me this morning?”
I was glad he hadn’t ever decided to be with Mason too. That would make things far more complicated than they needed to be. I didn’t need to know about the other people that Eli had been with. If I never met them for the rest of my life, I would be perfectly fine with that.
“I’m sure you know how important this place is to Eli. Working with the horses and helping them means the world to him,” I began.
She smiled as if she’d known that for years. “Did he ever tell you how we met?”
“He said that he was lost before you found him, but I didn’t press him for more than that. I’ve found that he isn’t very forthcoming about his past when he’s pushed for information.”
Evaline sighed. “He is a stubborn little boy. So, all right, I will tell you his sordid tale. And if he decides to throw a fit, then I’ll send him off to do extra barn chores, because I believe in honesty and people being open with each other, especially as they begin to grow a life together as you two seem to be doing. When he was seventeen, he’d already graduated from high school, though only just barely. But finding a place to live and a job were proving to be difficult for him. I found him walking along the road on my way home from the grocery store. He might have been homeless, or he might have been sleeping on someone’s couch. I didn’t ask. But I needed help, and he promised to do whatever I wanted done. He slept on the couch for a few weeks, and then as we got to know each other, I gave him a room in my house. He worked hard, and he never slacked off once. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I wasn’t sure at all what she was getting at actually. “No, but I am glad to know more about him, as sad as his story is.�
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But Evaline just shook her head at me as if I was missing the point entirely. “He’s not a sad case at all. He’s a survivor. He’s tough, and he throws himself into what he cares about. He needed a place to belong, and he made this rescue that place for himself. He will always need this rescue. I’m sure of it. So if you’re thinking of taking him away from here, I will fight you on that. You may be much younger than me, but I love that boy, and I want what’s best for him.”
Ah. So that’s what she was getting at. I was glad we were on the same page then with our ideas where Eli’s future was concerned. Now, if we were matched up as far as what I wanted to talk to her about for the rest of the meeting, I thought this time with her could be considered a great success.
“I have no interest in doing anything of the sort to him actually. I know how devastating losing Green Acres would be for him. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Green Acres means so much to him that I’d like to try to find a way to support your efforts so that he always has this place. He’s told me that once you retire, you’ve talked about him taking over for you, and I think he would love to do that, once the time comes. I’m here this morning to find out how I can help you. I’ll make a donation, which I know will help things temporarily, but there must be more that I can do to help.”
She stared at me, then smiled as she reached across the desk and took my hands in hers. “You are a good man with a very good heart. I knew I liked you from the first time we spoke on the phone. Well, tell me, what can you do?”
That was the problem. I didn’t have much relevant experience when it came to horses or animal rescues at all. I might have had years of education and decades of experience behind me, but I didn’t see how any of it would actually amount to much in her eyes.
“I have a master’s degree in business administration from Yale, and many references….”