Somewhere to Belong

by Caitlin Ricci

  That should have been his standard, not his exception, though I did feel good knowing he considered me to be one of his best sexual partners. If not his best. I could be vain and prideful at times, and knowing that someone as kind and attractive as Eli thought I had merits in bed brought out those qualities. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that either.

  “You are an easy person to be with,” I told him quietly. The fact of the matter was that Eli was my best lover as well. And I’d had a fair number of them.

  He snickered. “Did you just say that I was easy?”

  I tried to backtrack, but he laughed, and then so did I because I realized he was joking.

  After lunch we walked over to the grocery store to get a few essentials, and somehow that landed us in the ice cream aisle as Eli crouched in front of the various flavors of chocolate to make his selection. He glanced up at me with his injured arm dangling between his thighs. “What do you like?”

  I wasn’t much for ice cream, with the exception of the milkshake I’d just devoured, so I gave him a shrug. “Pick whatever you like. Then we’ll go find some actual food.”

  He settled on a low-quality chocolate chip. I frowned and wondered if he’d be upset if I said anything, but I did want him to know that he could enjoy the more expensive varieties if he wanted to. Groceries were never his responsibility to pay for, even before we’d started dating and he was simply my roommate.

  “Do you like that kind?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never tried it before. Do you think it looks awful?” He hesitated instead of simply putting it in the cart as he waited for my answer.

  “I don’t think it does, but would you rather get the more expensive brand?”

  He looked from the ice cream in his hand to the ones still in the case and went back over to them. “You don’t mind?” he asked me.

  “Not at all. Pick the one that you want most, not which one costs the least.”

  He gave me a shy, barely there kind of smile before switching out the ice cream he’d picked out for one that cost double but said that it was made with real cream. After that I was able to steer us toward some actual food, where I picked out a spinach soufflé, along with some pierogis.

  Eli took them out of the cart to look at them as I chose a few raviolis for us as well. “What are these?” he asked me.

  “Pockets of dough with potatoes and cheese in them. Like a ravioli, but not. Sometimes it seems as if every culture has their own version of a pocket of dough with something inside of them. Wontons, raviolis, empanadas, pierogis, samosas, egg rolls….” I turned around to find him still looking at the bag doubtfully. “We’ll deep-fry them. You’ll like them that way.”

  That got him to smile, and soon the pierogis were in the shopping cart, and we were headed down the aisle to get some more frozen food. When he stopped in front of the pizza, I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t exactly thrilled either. I didn’t dislike pizza necessarily, but it wasn’t something I was going to seek out.

  “What do you like?” he asked me.

  “Whatever you want.”

  He chose a pizza with everything on it, this time one of good quality. I was not looking forward to it, but I knew I’d eat it. He was willing to try pierogis. I could stomach pizza with a dozen different toppings on it with all of those flavors clashing together in my mouth.

  My face must have given something away, because as he put the pizza into the cart, he said, “We’ll deep-fry it. You’ll like it more like that.” He winked, and I laughed.

  We got milk and orange juice next, and he made a detour after that toward the condom aisle, where he rubbed his hand over his stomach. I wondered if this was a new nervous gesture for him or if he was having trouble deciding.

  “Are we running low already?” I asked him.

  He shrugged and glanced up at me. “I’m not sure. I didn’t check before we left this morning to get to the sanctuary, but I figure since we’re here, we might as well get some.”

  Eli had a point, but there was something I’d been wanting to talk to him about as well. “Are you clean?” I asked him as I ran my fingers lightly down his spine. He nodded instantly and moved closer to the display to start reading a few of the many boxes. I went with him, eager as I was to touch him. “I am too. So why are we still using them?”

  “Get proof, and we won’t. I’ll go get tested as well. We can make a date of it.”

  He was serious, but I still felt a bit hurt that he wouldn’t just take my word for it. “You don’t trust me enough to just assume I’m telling you the truth?”

  There was no hesitation as he shook his head. He wouldn’t apologize for it either, I was sure. And I loved him a little more for that.

  “It’s my body and my health. I care about you, and I trust you in some ways. But I still want proof before I have unprotected sex with you.”

  I cupped his chin between my fingers and tilted his head so I could kiss him. “Good answer.”

  He smirked at me as he pulled back. “I thought you were going to be mad at me for not instantly agreeing to get rid of the condoms and saying it’s all fine and everything’s okay.”

  “You want to take care of yourself. I’m not mad about that. I love how smart you are and how you make your own decisions without worrying about what I think. Sometimes, like the food, you’ll go with my suggestion, but that’s not your normal course of action. I like that about you.”

  He blushed, and I kissed him again. He grabbed a plain pack of condoms, and we were done shopping after that.

  We went home, put the groceries away, and curled up on the couch together. But he seemed antsy. I thought he might have been in pain from his wrist, but he hardly seemed to be paying attention to it as he laid his arm across his stomach while the rest of him was over my lap.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked him when it was clear that he wasn’t paying attention to the crime drama he’d chosen to watch.

  He frowned up at me, and I rubbed his chest. His stomach would have been an easier angle for me to get to, but I didn’t want to risk hurting his arm while he had it lying there.

  “I think I should give Nigel another chance. But if he’s mean to me at all and you don’t tell him to take a step back and knock it the hell off, you’re sleeping on your own tonight.”

  I moved my hand to his cheek. He opened his mouth when I brought my thumb over his lips while I thought, but my thoughts were quickly interrupted by the sensation of him sucking gently on my thumb as if he wanted to remind me just how good he was with his mouth if I did screw up when Nigel was here. I didn’t need the reminder. I liked every part of him, but mostly his mind and his heart.

  “Why would you want to risk subjecting yourself to him again?” I pulled my thumb out of his mouth with a little pop so that he could answer me.

  He put his good hand over mine on his chest. “He’s your best friend. Right? I wouldn’t be okay with it if you and Mason didn’t get along, so maybe it’s important that Nigel and I can be in the same room together. I’m willing to give him another chance, especially now that he can see that I’m not just your live-in fuck toy but that I actually matter to you.”

  His reasons made sense, but I did not like it when he talked about himself like that. “You were never a fuck toy with me. I always wanted to know more about you, and I always wanted to push you to share more of yourself with me, but I was afraid if I pushed you too hard you’d simply walk away from me, and that would be the end of us.”

  Eli nodded, and I knew my suspicions were right. “I’m not good at letting people into my life. As you’ve probably already been able to tell.” Given how his own mother chose someone else over taking care of her son, I didn’t blame him at all for his refusal to get close to most people. “So, you’re right, if you had pushed me too hard, I would have stopped talking to you. But that would have been on me, not on you. And it’s still scary sometimes how close I’ve let you get to me already.”

  “I’m sure it is. And hopefu
lly someday I’ll be able to convince you that I don’t want to hurt you at all.”

  He blew me a kiss. “Unless I ask you to, of course.”

  “Eli….” We’d been having a serious conversation, and he was bringing sex into it. I wasn’t pleased by that turn in the conversation.

  He rolled off my lap so that he was standing. “I know. I know. Call Nigel or text him or whatever you two do and ask him to come over tonight. We can have those pierogis you promised me I wouldn’t hate.”

  “Are you sure you want to see him so soon?”

  Eli went into the kitchen and awkwardly poured himself a glass of milk with one hand. I could have helped, and maybe I should have, but I saw his dark look as soon as I got off the couch, warning me away from doing just that. He was independent. I knew that, and I could respect that about him. But it was also hard not to rush in and take care of him when he was hurt.

  “Might as well. Right? He’s your best friend. That’s not going to stop being the case anytime soon unless he does something to seriously fuck it all up, and that won’t be because of me. He might as well start getting used to me being in your life, and I can put up with him being all pompous.” He pranced a bit, making fun of Nigel. And I probably shouldn’t have laughed at that, but I did. Eli smiled at me, and I took out my phone to make the call.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Eli

  NIGEL CAME over at close to seven that night. Grayson had changed into a pair of dark slacks and a pale green button-down shirt. I wasn’t sure why he’d made the effort. Weren’t friends supposed to be fine with whatever the hell the other person had on at the time? That’s what I always thought anyway. But Grayson had actually dressed up for Nigel, and Nigel was wearing a suit. I sipped my shiraz and tried to pay attention to them as they talked about business and money and the new car that Nigel wanted. And I was really glad Grayson wasn’t this dull.

  “You know, Grayson, these pierogis would be much better if you’d made them in the traditional way in a skillet with some butter and some onions and a good tablespoon of sour cream overtop,” Nigel was saying. It was really the only bit of the conversation that had caught my attention at all, and I shifted my gaze to Grayson. I didn’t know anything about pierogis, but it made me really happy that he would make them like this just for me, since he knew how much I liked fried food. I decided to say more than two words for the first time since Nigel had come through the front door.

  I met Nigel’s gaze head-on and smiled at him. “He made them like this for me since it’s my first time having them. And plus, if I’d known how they were supposed to be made, I wouldn’t have eaten them. I don’t like onions.”

  Grayson rubbed my thigh under the table as he sipped his wine to hide his smile. “Really? I didn’t know that. Even if they’re fried?”

  “Even then. But I don’t mind kissing you after you’ve had some.” I caught Nigel rolling his eyes as I leaned over and kissed Grayson on his cheek.

  “He’s cheeky,” Nigel said as if I wasn’t sitting two feet away from him.

  I cocked my head to the side and decided to play dumb. “Grayson, is he complimenting me on my ass? That’s so sweet of him.” I reached across the table and touched Nigel’s hand. “Thank you. I’ve worked hard on my best feature.”

  As I pulled back, Grayson was snorting into his wine. “Behave,” he told me, though he was grinning.

  He was right. I couldn’t very well expect Nigel to be nicer to me if I was willing to be such a jerk to him. But it was hard to hold back when Nigel was sitting there acting all high and mighty with his damn pinky sticking out as he sipped wine that really wasn’t that good. I would have preferred to have orange juice than this stuff. But I did have to hand it to Grayson; he was right about the pierogis. I liked deep-fried pockets of cheese and mashed potatoes. I could have used something to dip them in, though.

  “Grayson,” Nigel began as he recovered from whatever stupor I’d put him in with my words. “Surely you can see how absolutely uncultured he is. The sex probably is fantastic by the looks of him, but how could it ever be anything more than that?”

  I looked at Grayson to see if he’d say anything. If he didn’t I wouldn’t be storming down to Caleb’s to spend time with Hawk again, but he would absolutely be sleeping alone and cold in his own bed tonight.

  Grayson put down his wine and leaned forward. I sipped from my glass and pretended the taste didn’t make me want to hurl. If Grayson stood up for me, I wouldn’t really be able to help my grin. But if he didn’t, I had no intention of letting Grayson know just how upset he would make me while Nigel was there to witness it. I didn’t really like him being there to begin with. I wasn’t going to let him see my pain, hurt, and anger too.

  “Nigel,” he began. “You’re my best friend. And Eli is the man I’m in love with. Try harder if you want to remain my friend. It’s not asking too much that you refrain from saying rude things either to him or about him whether you’re in his presence or not.”

  I put my wineglass down and smiled over at Grayson.

  “How’d I do?” he asked me.

  My smile turned into a wide grin. “Just fine. You’re getting laid tonight, by the way.”

  He laughed, and we both turned our attention back to Nigel. I didn’t like him in the least, but he was Grayson’s best friend, so I wanted him to stay in Grayson’s life if only for that reason. And then I could think to myself about how Grayson needed better friends, and Nigel needed to get off his damn high horse and come back to reality with the rest of us lowlife scum.

  Nigel took a deep drink of his wine, and I wondered if he had taste buds at all or if nasty-tasting wine had gotten rid of them for him. Considering the wine, not having any taste buds was probably a blessing if that was his thing. If not, my next option was that he was plain crazy, because he really needed to choose a wine that didn’t taste disgusting.

  “Are you sure about this?” Nigel asked Grayson, again as if I wasn’t sitting right there. Was I invisible? Nope. But Nigel was good at making me feel like I suddenly was. “He’s so….”

  He waved his hand at me, and I waited for him to continue on with whatever bullshit reason he had now of why Grayson shouldn’t even want to look at me. Oh, no, looking at me was fine. So was screwing me apparently. But heaven forbid Grayson actually wanted something more to do with me beyond my mouth and ass. I really needed to pull back on my anger before I ended up tossing the rest of my mostly full glass of wine into Nigel’s face.

  “White.” Nigel finally decided on the perfect insult. Probably at least in his mind.

  And I just stared at him, as did Grayson, because really? Out of all the insults he could have thrown at me and all the problems he could have found with me, he decided to go with race? I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

  “Holy shit. You’re racist,” I said as I got up from the table to go get a second helping of the fried pockets of mashed potato goodness. I sat right back down next to Grayson and decided to screw forks. I’d eat with my fingers. Apparently my manners, my low social class, my age, my lack of money and education—none of it mattered as much as the fact that I was white. And I couldn’t help that, so I decided to say fuck it all and act like I wanted to for the rest of the night.

  Grayson took a lot longer to recover than I did. “Nigel, thank you for coming over tonight. I’m glad that I got to see how you really are. I’m just surprised I didn’t realize before. I’d like you to leave now.”

  Without a word Nigel tossed down his napkin and stormed out of the house. He even slammed the door behind him like he was somehow insulted that Grayson had chosen me over him, when really it was that Grayson had chosen to be a decent person, instead of a racist asshole, unlike his best friend.

  Grayson ran his hands over his face before he turned back to me. I was licking mashed potatoes off my fingertips. “I am so sorry about that. I had no idea, and I feel like an idiot. I should have never let him near you.”

  “I’m so
rry your best friend turned out to be a douchebag. Maybe once you start working at the rescue, you’ll meet some other guys who are much nicer. They’re all about my age so fair warning on that.”

  “You wouldn’t be jealous if I made friends with some people your age?”

  Was I supposed to be? “Um… no? Why would I be?” Then it hit me. “Oh! You think that I’d assume you’re cheating! That makes much more sense now. And no, I wouldn’t mind. And if you cheated, then you cheated. I’d only be upset that you didn’t tell me you weren’t happy with whatever dating thing we’re doing. I value honesty more than I want to go around stalking you and worrying about who you’re with constantly. You deleted the app. That’s enough for me. If you wanted to cheat, there are far easier ways to do it than to try to hook up with guys that I work with, where I would definitely find out because everyone there talks like crazy.”

  He smiled and kissed me softly. Which was nice, and I liked every way that he wanted to kiss me, but I really wanted more than that from him right then.

  “Did you get enough to eat?” I asked him as I moved my good hand to his thigh and leaned in closer to him.

  “Yes. I think I did.”

  He was grinning at me now too as if he knew where I was going with this. “And are you all done with the disgusting wine Nigel brought over?”

  “I see you didn’t like it much either.”

  I took his hand and brought him up from his chair. He locked the front door, and we left the dishes as they were. We could clean up later. I laced my fingers with his as we went upstairs to his bedroom.

  I wanted to be all sexy as I stripped down for him, but trying to undress with one hand was crap. I ended up getting stuck with my T-shirt halfway off my head and my bad arm trapped in it.

  “Ow, ow, shit, ow,” I grumbled until Grayson, laughing, came over to help me.

  “It was a good show up until that point,” he said as he helped me get out of the shirt. My pants were much easier to take care of, and then I was just in my boot socks, which really weren’t that sexy.