Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  I sighed. It seemed I couldn’t escape Kick today. “I don’t know. Neither of them would tell me.”

  “And you never pursued that information?”

  “I did, but you know those two. Stubborn to the bitter end. Neither would crack, so, in the end, I just let it go.”

  “That must have been hard. To stay friends with Jeremy while you were with Kick, I mean.”

  Nodding, I agreed. “Yeah, it was, but I made it work. I did try to make them see sense, but neither would give in.” Sadness wrapped me in its arms while I remembered how amazing Jeremy had been throughout that time in my life. He’d never walked away from me, even though it was clear he couldn’t be around Kick any longer. And Kick had even managed to not be an asshole about my friendship with Jeremy. It was almost as if the two of them had some agreement about it all but I’d never managed to work it out. I’d just gone with the flow because it had broken my heart that they’d fallen out in the first place. I’d done my best to bring them back together, but that had been a waste of time.

  Julie looked at me. Really looked at me, as if she was trying to work something out. “Are you going to be okay? I know it’s shit right now, but I want to make sure you’re coping.”

  I considered her question, and I also considered her presence here today. “Why today, Julie?”

  She knew exactly what I was asking. Sighing, she said, “Let’s just say, I’ve been re-evaluating my life lately. I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but I’d like to try and put that behind us and spend time together again.”

  “Why are you suddenly re-evaluating things?” God, I hoped it wasn’t sickness or something like that. My body tensed, waiting for her answer.

  “I’m a thirty-six-year-old woman with no husband or kids, and I pushed my family away when I was younger and stupid. My best friend recently died from cancer, and I decided life’s too short for petty disagreements. So here I am.”

  The tension relaxed out of my body. “Sorry to hear about your friend, but I’m glad you’ve decided to make those changes.”

  “It might take me some time with Mum and Dad, Evie. Don’t expect this to just happen overnight. Not after all the shit we’ve been through.”

  “I get it.” I really did. Our parents were hard work.

  “How are they?” she asked tentatively.

  I stretched my legs out in front of me and sagged a little in the chair. “They’re doing okay at the moment.”

  “Right, so that means they’re still struggling to get their shit together.”

  She was right. In our family, doing okay didn’t mean the same as it would in most families that I knew. “I’ll let you decide for yourself once you go and see them.”

  She stood and picked up her bag. “I’ve got to get to work. It was good to see you.”

  I stood as well and moved to hug her. She awkwardly tried to return the hug and that offering spread warmth through me. Julie was not an affectionate person so this hug meant the world to me. When we pulled apart, I smiled at her and said, “Thank you for coming and don’t be a stranger. And go and see Mum and Dad.”

  She nodded and I expected her to say something about them, but she didn’t. What she did say took me by surprise. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but is there any way for you and Kick to work out your differences? Assuming he’s not with someone else now, that is?”

  “He’s not, but I don’t think so. We’ve been through too much, and if we couldn’t make it work the two times we tried, I doubt we could now.”

  “I don’t believe that, Evie. The Kick I remember would do anything for you. Anything.”

  I wrapped my arms around me. She was wrong, and I needed to protect my heart this time. “I don’t think he would. Not anymore,” I said softly.

  Her face took on that look a person got when they were trying to make you see something their way. “Go through your memories again. Try and remember back to when you were kids. I know he would have done anything for you back then. You two are so connected…between your childhood, our families, Jeremy, the stuff you’ve both been through…that can’t count for nothing, Evie.” She paused and stared hard at me before adding on a whisper, “Make it count. You two deserve happiness.”

  And then she was gone and I was left alone.

  Consumed by memories.

  *****

  Evie

  16 years old

  “Kick! Stop!” I chased after him but he didn’t stop. No surprise there; when Kick decided to do something, nothing got in his way.

  I rushed after him as he stalked towards the basketball courts where Stephanie and her posse were. His back muscles were tensed, ready for the showdown. Those bitches had been harassing me for months and he’d been itching to take them on, but I would never let him. There was no way I could hold him back now, but really, they deserved whatever he had in mind.

  Unless he physically lashed out at them.

  That thought sent cold chills through my veins. I was sure he wouldn’t lay a hand on a girl, but what if his anger and need to stand up for me made him do something stupid?

  I picked up my pace and yelled out to him again. “Kick, please stop! I can handle those bitches myself.”

  He kept going without a second glance in my direction. The girls spotted him and all turned to face him. The other kids noticed the standoff and they, too, turned to watch. Everyone began closing in on Kick and the girls, and I hated that I had put him in this situation.

  He finally made it to them and stopped. I couldn’t see his face but I could imagine his glare. That look from Kick was enough to make most people consider their next step but Stephanie didn’t cower. She actually took a step closer to him and sent a glare his way.

  “Why the fuck can’t you bitches leave Evie alone? You don’t even know what shit really went down with her family, so you should shut the fuck up rather than spreading nasty gossip and treating her like a slut,” he raged. I could tell from his voice how close to the edge he was.

  Not good.

  “I know her mother cheated on her father and that’s a slut as far as I’m concerned. Like mother, like daughter,” Stephanie countered.

  Kick’s arm moved as if he was about to raise it but he kept himself under control and instead clenched his fist over and over, as if he was fighting the urge to punch someone. “I’m not gonna fucking argue this shit with you, Stephanie. Leave Evie alone.” His voice had dropped to a menacing tone.

  Stephanie said something to him but a hand on my shoulder and the brush past me of a male body distracted me from her.

  Jeremy.

  “Sorry, Evie,” he murmured, as he shoved me aside and kept advancing towards Kick.

  I missed what Stephanie said but zeroed back in on Kick who had raised his voice. “You don’t wanna start something with me. Trust me on that,” he threatened just before Jeremy stepped in.

  Jeremy placed his hand on Kick’s shoulder. Kick’s head jerked around to see who it was but before he could say anything, Jeremy spoke calmly to Stephanie. “Why do you always have to be such a bitch, Stephanie? I’m seriously beginning to wonder about your parents and just what they get up to.” He paused, and I saw her face flinch. Jeremy gave Kick a grin and then continued, “Yeah, I think we might look into that, Kick, and then report back what we find.”

  Stephanie’s face contorted into anger like I’d never seen before. “Leave me the fuck alone, Jeremy,” she spat before saying to her bitches, “Come on, girls, these three aren’t worth our breath.” Then she turned and stalked away from us and her posse followed.

  I stood there, stunned, not sure what had just happened.

  Jeremy slapped Kick on the back and then looked at me with a grin. “All sorted, Evie. That bitch won’t give you grief anymore.”

  I frowned. “How do you know that? And what the hell just happened?”

  Kick stopped staring after the girls and turned to look at me. “Jeremy did some digging. Discovered that
Stephanie’s dad is having an affair at the moment.”

  “Oh my god! What a two-faced cow to give me shit about my mother.”

  Jeremy came to me and laid his arm across my shoulders, and pulled me close. “Yeah, thought you might like that.”

  I looked up at him and smiled. “Thank you.”

  He jerked his chin at Kick. “Don’t thank me, thank him. Kick had the brilliant idea to find out what she was hiding and then to use it against her.”

  My gaze landed on Kick. He stood still, staring at me with a look I wasn’t sure I knew. It gave me goosebumps. “Thank you,” I whispered, my stomach doing butterflies, “you’re always looking out for me and I’ve never done anything to deserve it.” It was true. For as long as I’d known him, Kick had always stood up for me, and I’d never really given him anything in return or helped him in any way.

  He shoved his hands in his pockets and scowled at me. “Don’t fucking say shit like that, Evie. You’d do the same thing for me and Jeremy.”

  Kick didn’t usually speak to me like that and it confused me. I stared at him silently, wondering what caused him to do it.

  Jeremy punched him in the arm. “Don’t be a dick,” he muttered.

  I watched as the two of them glared at each other for a few moments and then Kick looked at me and said, “Sorry, I’m an asshole. But don’t put yourself down, okay? You’ve been there for me more than you know.” His voice cracked a little on his last sentence and he seemed so uncomfortable saying it all. But, at the same time, I could feel the honesty in his words.

  I smiled at him and then Jeremy broke the moment with another slap on Kick’s back. “Okay, let’s round this up, guys,” he said as he draped his arm around me again. “I’ve got fucking math homework and I need Evie to work it out for me.”

  Kick grinned. “She needs to work my shit out, too.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Are you two ever going to do your own work?”

  They stared at me like I was an idiot, and then both their faces broke out in larger grins. “Fuck no,” they said in unison as the three of us began walking home.

  I laughed.

  No matter what I was going through in my life, these two always made my day better.

  I hoped I always had them in my life.

  *****

  After Julie left, I headed over to my mother’s house. I checked in with her almost daily. Whereas my father usually kept me at arm’s length, my mother was the exact opposite - needy.

  “Mum, you home?” I yelled out as I unlocked the front door and entered her house. Stupid question really, because aside from going to work, my mother hardly left her home.

  “In the kitchen,” came her reply.

  I kicked off my shoes just inside the front door because Mum had a thing against shoes in the house. As I did this, I noticed the black boots sitting near the door and wondered who they belonged to.

  And then I heard a male voice.

  Kick.

  What the hell? He hardly ever visited my mother.

  I hurried to the kitchen and as I rounded the corner, I came face to face with him. I had to grab onto the counter to steady myself so I didn’t run into him. My gaze hit his neck and took in the tattoos there before it travelled up to his face, taking in his beard and brown hair that always had that just-fucked look.

  His hands grabbed my arms to also help steady me, and my tummy did somersaults at the contact.

  It’s been too long since he’s held me.

  “Evie,” he murmured, his deep voice awakening the desire I’d always felt for him. The goddamn desire I’d fought hard to rid myself of. But after seeing him at Jeremy’s funeral, I knew the desire was as strong as ever.

  Fuck.

  I tried to move out of his embrace but he wouldn’t let me go. I glared at him. “Let me go, Kick.”

  He held me for another couple of moments before doing as I’d asked. I placed my hands on his chest to try to force him to step aside so I could enter the kitchen, but he didn’t move, and all I succeeded in doing was shooting more desire throughout my body at the feel of his body again.

  He glanced down at my hands on his chest and then looked at me from under hooded eyes.

  Those green eyes.

  Damn.

  “Feels good, baby,” he whispered, his voice thick with unmistakable hunger and those damn eyes penetrating mine, radiating more of that hunger.

  My core sang out its need but I acted like I had no clue what he was going on about. I remained silent and tried to push him again. Jesus, his muscles had multiplied since the last time I’d touched him. And they were rock hard. Good lord, I was done for if he pushed this. I could keep my heart closed but my body could never deny him.

  He dipped his face towards mine and said, “Your hands on me… feels good. Been too fuckin’ long.”

  God, why do you hate me?

  Why do you send temptation my way when you know it will only lead to more heartbreak?

  I dropped my hands and tried to harden my gaze. I needed to show him I had no intention of going there with him again. “And it won’t happen again,” I snapped. “Now let me through.”

  His brows raised but he stepped aside, and I finally entered the kitchen to find my mother busy at the sink washing up. Tupperware containers surrounded her, confusing the hell out of me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  She kept washing but turned her head to look at me. Smiling, she said, “Kick dropped by to say hello and I’m thankful he did because I got him to change the washer on the tap. It had been leaking for ages, driving me crazy.”

  “You should have asked me to do it, Mum.”

  She frowned. “You know how to do that?”

  Kick chuckled from behind me and muttered, “Yeah she does, ‘cause I taught her.”

  I paid no attention to him and did my best to ignore the memories flashing in my mind of the hot summer day Kick and I had sex on the kitchen floor of his house after he showed me how to change the washer on the tap in that kitchen. “What’s with the Tupperware, Mum?” She must have had every single piece she owned on the kitchen bench.

  She stopped washing up, turned her body to face me and gave me her full attention, a look of humour crossing her face. “I had a bloody spider in the kitchen and the Tupperware cupboard was open. This was before Kick arrived. Anyway, the damn spider crawled in that cupboard and you know how much I hate spiders… I started madly pulling Tupperware out and onto the floor until I could see the spider. When I saw it, I shut the cupboard to trap it. I was gonna call you to come get it out, but Kick showed up and found it for me.”

  I spun around to face him. “Did you kill it?”

  His face softened and he murmured, “No, Evie, I didn’t kill it. I remember.”

  “I wanted him to, but he reminded me how much you hate that so he took it outside for me. Goodness gracious, I have no idea why you won’t just let us kill them,” my mother said.

  Undeniable warmth spread through me that he’d done that.

  For me.

  And that he’d remembered.

  I was still facing Kick and he whispered, “I get it, baby.”

  My breathing picked up at his words. More memories flashed in my mind - Kick and I at about sixteen, telling each other our deepest fears and heartaches. He was the only one who got it, who knew why I was so against killing spiders.

  Shelly loved spiders.

  I stared up at him, lost in the memories, and then I took a deep breath and turned back to face mum. Brushing off what she’d said, I changed the subject. “I can’t stay long, but do you need me to do anything or pick anything up at the store for you?”

  “No, I stopped at the supermarket on my way home from work yesterday and picked up some groceries.”

  I smiled at her. “That’s good, Mum.”

  She returned my smile. “I’m trying, Evie, I promise.”

  I reached out and squeezed her hand. “I know.”

  Her face
turned sombre. “How are you doing? After the funeral?”

  “I can’t believe he’s gone.” My voice choked up as Jeremy’s face flashed through my mind. For a moment there I’d had a reprieve from the memories.

  I watched as she swallowed hard and realised this would be stirring her memories and regrets up, too. She nodded quickly and then turned back to the sink and busied herself with dishes again. Mum wasn’t the kind of woman who ever liked to talk about her daughter’s death, in fact I could hardly recall having any real conversations of substance about it with her. I waited to see if she would say anything further but she didn’t, and I let her have that. It was probably not the best choice but I’d never pushed her to talk.

  Turning, I looked up at Kick. “Thanks for helping Mum.”

  He nodded, his intense gaze never leaving mine. “Anytime.”

  When he didn’t move to let me out of the kitchen, I widened my eyes and nodded at the entry in a let-me-out-of-here gesture. He took his time but he finally stepped aside, and I brushed past him. Without a backwards glance I left the house and hurried to my car. My mind and body were tangled with desire and confusion, and the sooner I got out of Kick’s space, the better.

  As I opened my car door, a hand grasped my arm and stopped me. I turned in surprise to find Kick behind me.

  Shit.

  “What?” I demanded.

  “Your mum’s doing well.”

  “You came after me to tell me that?”

  With a shake of his head, he said, “No.”

  We stood watching each other, not saying a word. I truly didn’t know what he wanted after all this time. “Yeah, she’s doing okay at the moment. I got her to see someone and start working through all her shit. Finally. Only took nineteen years, but she’s getting to the point where she’s leaving the house more and more.”

  “That’s good. I hated watching her shut herself away like that.”

  “Yeah,” I said softly, and then asked, “What do you want, Kick?”

  “You.”

  Unmistakable heat flowed between us at his statement and I sucked in a breath. We’d been here before and Kick did not want me. He only thought he did. “No, you don’t. You want what you think we can be, but as soon as you can have that, you’ll pull away, so why bother starting something we both know will only end badly?”