by Liz Crowe
“I’m not that drunk, and I asked for this before I started drinking.”
He pushed me down onto the bed, kissing from my belly button up my sternum to my neck, but by the time he got to my lips, I could barely keep my eyes open.
“How about we do this in the morning when you can enjoy it?”
I forced a smile, and nodded.
He pulled the blankets around us and drew me into his side.
“I forgive you,” I breathed.
Chapter Eighteen
Remnants of Me
I woke in the middle of the night coughing so hard, I was sure part of my lung was going to break off. Kirk rubbed my back, as I braced myself on hand and knees through the assault.
I leaned over the side of the bed and spit into the trashcan—phlegm mixed with liquids I never wanted to think about again.
“Is it possible to drown on cum?” I croaked.
“I don’t think you’re currently in danger of that.”
“Ross did it on purpose, knowing I’d have to inhale as soon as he got off,” I grumbled as I gasped for air, feeling almost as bad as the time I was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia in sixth grade. Kirk sat up next to me, supporting me with one arm and caressing my back with the other.
“I think I’m dying.” As I calmed, it became easier to at least draw in a slow, shallow breath.
“You’re not dying. Your lungs are just irritated, producing extra mucus.” He kissed between my shoulder blades and lifted me to face him. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t start,” I mumbled burying my face into his neck so I didn’t have to see his pained expression. “I said I’d stay; I knew it could get bad.”
“Why are you so determined?”
“Because….” I didn’t want to talk about my reasons. “I’m already in. Gabe….” It was hard enough saying his name. “He brought me into this. He dragged me down as low as I could get. I want something to come out of this that’s bigger than my freedom.”
Kirk grimaced, pulling back to run his thumb across my chin. “You feel obligated because you shot an asshole that kidnaped and raped you?”
“He would have done it again. There are others who will.” I wrapped my hand around his forearm, my fingertips resting just above the snake tattoo that had infiltrated my dreams and fantasies in so many ways. I hoped that after this was over, I could shed the pain of this life away. “I want this Kirk. I deserve it, and I sure as hell didn’t go through everything tonight for you to change your mind.”
“I don’t want to have to watch anything like that again.” He pulled me into his lap. His hot palms spread against my back, keeping me tight against him. “You reminded me of who I really am and what I came here to stop. But you make it very hard to maintain my façade.”
Before I could respond, his lips covered mine. He nipped at my lip, but given what I’d just been coughing up, I kept my mouth closed.
I pulled away a fraction, and he grimaced.
“You really don’t mind kissing me right now? I’m coughing up other men’s cum for Chrissake.”
He nipped at my collarbone. “Never say that again.”
I chuckled and it sent me into another fit of coughing. I hated crawling out of his lap to spit in the trash can again, but my chest finally felt like it was beginning to clear. I emptied my glass of water and sat back against Kirk.
“Anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”
“Can you make it easier to breathe?”
“Lean forward, and put your arms under your head to spread out your shoulder blades.” He maneuvered me until I was exactly how he wanted me, then he pulled the blanket over my back and began pounding over my lungs.
I closed my eyes, transfixed by the steady rhythm as it broke up the congestion in my chest. I coughed several more times, and spit into the trash can again, before finally being able to take a deep breath.
“You’re good,” I said, rolling onto my back.
“Of course I am.” He lay down at my side, rubbing his hand in delicate motions across my stomach. Even in the dark, I couldn’t escape his drooping eyes and wrinkled forehead.
“Stop looking at me like you just killed my favorite pet.” I laced my fingers through his and drew his arm around me. “We are where we are, and I believe a few days ago, it was you trying to convince me of that.”
“That was when I thought I could keep you from getting hurt.” His voice was low, and I could almost feel the sting of pain that hid behind his words.
“So, what exactly was your long-term plan? Claim me and keep me hidden from everyone else until the person you’ve been waiting for shows up?”
“Pretty much. He’ll be here next week, and I suspect that’s why Ross pushed the initiation.”
“I get the feeling that tonight was supposed to be a punishment for you, too.”
“Perceptive,” he dawdled.
“I’m getting this whole criminal thought process down.”
Kirk grunted a laugh then rolled onto his back, pulling me with him so that my head rested on his shoulder.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“I haven’t done anything worthy—”
“Quiet.”
“You keep this up and no one is going to buy your act.”
“Why? I’m petrified around the rest of them—enough to keep my head on. I managed to lie through my teeth while high on pain meds, I think I can keep it together.” I laid my head on his shoulder. He pulled me closer, his arms wrapped around me.
I took a deep breath, but I still couldn’t manage to escape the burning in my soul that clogged my thoughts. I wanted to laugh it off, pretend it was something I could lock away, and forget it had never happened.
“I can feel you thinking,” Kirk whispered.
“I’ll add mind reading to your list of capabilities.”
He hooked his hand behind my knee and pulled me on top of him. His hot chest pressed against mine, and I stared down into his blue-grey eyes.
I wanted to melt into those eyes and hide there until it was all over.
“Do you still want that distraction?”
“Do you still want to give it to me?” My lips twitched. “I feel like I’m the one taking advantage of you now.”
“Even if you were, I’m not complaining.” He rolled me to my back and pressed his hand to me.
I had to give it to him. No one had ever made me appreciate how good sex could feel before him.
I was supposed to hate it.
I was supposed to hate him.
“What on earth are you thinking about now?”
“I’m not telling you.”
He paused, I watched him swallow. I wanted him to move. It was distraction time, and for some reason he was just waiting for something.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“Tell me something about you.”
I pushed my lips together and shook my head. He knew all he needed to know—more than he needed to know. “My name is Silver, I woke up here, you know my story.”
He closed his eyes. And kissed my sternum. Moving slowly down my body.
“What do you want to know?” I breathed as the arousal twisted with guilt in my gut.
“Nothing.”
I slid my fingers through his hair and pulled him against me.
“When I was a kid, my sister and I used dowel rods to ‘sword fight’ and she nearly broke my hand.”
He smiled and kissed my wrist. Every touch of his lips sent a flash of fire through me, touching more than my skin.
“You don’t owe me anything,” he said. As if he understood my deepest concerns.
“Whether I do or not….” I trailed off and regretted opening my mouth in the first place. Not only could I not put my feelings into words, Kirk paused again as he waited for me to finish what I’d begun.
There was some little part of me that wanted something real with him. Something not based on facades and lies.
A dangerous
desire.
Kirk sealed his lips against mine, drawing me out and into his world. The place where it didn’t matter that our past was based on misinformation and lies, or that our future was doomed—one way or another.
He moved down my body, latching his mouth onto my breast. Teasing and sucking until I moaned in response. Then he kissed even lower down my stomach, over my bellybutton. His thumb brushed against the back of my knee, as he kissed and gently nipped the inside of my thigh.
His hot mouth settled over my clit—drawing it out with a suckle before pressing his tongue against it. His stubble scratched at my sensitive folds—especially in the places where I had yet to heal completely, but pleasure from his tongue and mouth far outweighed the discomfort, and soon the prickling pain was joined by the pleasure.
He hooked my thighs over his shoulders, his hands gripping the sides of my hips as he buried his face in my flesh.
I moaned, writhing against him as he pushed me closer to orgasm with just his tongue and mouth.
It was almost the simplicity of it that made it even more amazing. His attentiveness to every spot of my body that remained sore and bruised from the attack.
I hadn’t been sure that I could take his cock inside of me, even though I wanted it, but he seemed to have come up with a solution without me having even expressed my doubts.
His hand stretched up, rubbing my breast gently. Tweaking the nipple between two fingers.
I bucked and then arched my back. His tongue flickered inside of me, licking up my juices as my insides twisted.
I reached above me, clutching at the headboard as the orgasm built.
Everything down to his hot breath on my skin took my control away.
My hips rocked and he sucked harder, lips and tongue playing with and exploring every fold.
My toes curled.
My back arched.
And I moaned as my muscles broke free and claimed the orgasmic release.
I bucked, but Kirk kept licking and sucking, drawing out every jerk, quiver, and twitch until I had been drained.
My body simultaneously felt weightless and as heavy as cement—weighted down until it sunk into the bed.
I smelled myself on his lips as they pressed against my own. I tasted it as my tongue flicked out to draw him in.
“And to think I was once a skeptic when people said sex could be that good.”
“At least I don’t have to ask if you enjoyed it.”
“Hell yes.”
I had no business holding on to him. Holding onto the pleasure—even the pain.
I took a deep breath and curled against his side as he returned to his place beside me. If the two of us had crossed paths anywhere else, I doubted we would have ever given each other a second look. We were both victims of the circumstances.
We could survive together, and feed off of each other’s strength. But I wondered how much more was possible for us.
If I’d ever see him again when—if—we escaped this torment.
Would we even want to see each other again? Would we want to relive the pain, the things we’d seen and experienced?
Kirk traced my skin in light circles until I shivered.
“You’re not supposed to be thinking now.”
I sighed. “You make me come apart in ways I don’t think I’ll ever understand.”
“And yet you’re still trying? You baffle me sometimes.”
I sat up and glared down at him. My chest still felt stiff, and I had a feeling it wouldn’t feel better in the morning. Probably much worse, so anything we were about to get out of our system had to be now.
“I’m sorry I can’t just shut my brain off at will.”
To my surprise, he smiled, rose up, and kissed me. “You baffle me because… here you are. Everything that’s happened and against all odds, you’re far from broken.”
“That’s what you were afraid would happen to me in the beginning. Even Ross said it.”
I leaned into his hand as he touched the side of my face, and moved his hand down my neck to squeeze my shoulder.
“I thought that if I could protect you from them, you might be okay. I didn’t know when or if I could get you out of here without bringing down the wrath of the entire operation. You fought me every step of the way until I had to punish you for running.”
I stiffened; that was the last thing I wanted to remember. Somehow, the thought of Kirk bringing down the whip on my back overwhelmed my brain even quicker than remembering what the others had done.
Because I knew how hard it was for both of us. Because he was the one that, even then, I trusted to keep me safe. Much safer than the alternative.
“What changed?” he asked.
“I told you. Sex is better than pain.”
“It is, but that isn’t it.”
I scowled back. Who was he to tell me what or wasn’t my reasoning behind my change in attitude?
“You changed,” I whispered. “Maybe not so obviously, but I saw you differently. Especially after you brought me back up here and took care of me.”
“I still forced you to do things against your will.”
I clenched my jaw, not wanting to tug on the flimsy thread that held us together. “We’re going to do this tonight?”
“Silver, I,” he squinted at me, “I’m not the noble hero. I may have wanted to keep you safe, but there were a lot of other things I wanted to do to you, too. You don’t live in this world as long as I have without having the disparity rub off on you.”
“Maybe not, but you didn’t do them.”
“I fucked you in the Outlook in front of everyone, and I got off on it. Even though I knew—”
“Stop,” I whispered. I wanted it to sound angry, more forceful.
Less pathetic.
I took a breath and found my voice again. “I got off on it, too, if you don’t remember. And you can say that you forced me. In a billion ways you did, but Ross tried that, too. I didn’t get anywhere near an orgasm with him. It was you, you and your damn gentle touch. You’re never what I expect and that’s what always wrecks me.”
“I manipulated you.” His voice rose and I felt his muscles harden. “I did it on purpose.”
“I know,” I rubbed my hand down his chest trying to calm him, but he grabbed my wrist and held it there. “But you kept your promise.”
“My promise to keep you safe? Really, I think I fucked that up quite well.”
“There wasn’t anything you could have done. You still came back for me. You found me. You took responsibility. You can’t protect me from every little thing, like some parent who won’t even let their kid play in the back yard for fear of him falling down and scraping a knee—”
“It’s a little more than a scraped knee. They could have killed you. Ross isn’t going to take it easy on you now, either.”
I pushed myself to my knees. The sex was supposed to make everything better, not lead to another argument. “I know, and no matter what you say, I’m not going back on what I said. I’d rather be here until the end. Even if you could get me out—”
Kirk rolled, pinning me under him. He braced his elbows on the outside of my shoulders so that his knuckles just brushed against my cheekbones. “Are you more afraid of what would happen here if you left, or what’s going to happen when you go back to your life?”
“Both…” I admitted. I hadn’t let myself consider the latter, but I had no idea. I didn’t know how to cope with everything that had happened when I got outside of these walls.
Here it was normal. Out there it was debauchery and murder.
“I want to make sure you have the best shot. I’m already bent, so—”
“Silver, the last thing I want to do is add to your nightmares and regrets.”
“They’re a part of me either way; I’d rather something good come out of it.”
“You never actually answered my first question,” Kirk whispered, tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. “What made you give in?”
<
br /> “I did answer.” I pressed my palms to his skin and slid them down his hard sides. “You made me change my mind. After I ran, you were different. Before, you kept me at arm’s length. I didn’t think you wanted me.” I bit my cheek, watching the play of emotions on Kirk’s face. “I mean, I felt alone. Completely isolated, and the only person who ever looked in on me just thought I was some damn burden.”
A burst of air escaped his lungs. “You fought because you were afraid you didn’t matter?”
I shook my head and dropped my head against the pillow. “I fought because it was the only thing I had.”
Kirk rolled and put his hand on my stomach. “I didn’t want you to get close. I could only play the monster up to a point, beyond that… I had to keep you afraid and distant enough that you wouldn’t do something stupid. But you just kept doing stupid things.”
“I’ve had a lifetime of practice at that—pushing people to the edge instead of doing what I’m told. I gave in with you, because I figured it was better to have someone fully on my side. And in here, I didn’t want that person to be anyone but you.” We’d each pushed the other to the point of dangerous vulnerability, and all of the little things I hadn’t understood before began to take on a new clarity.
“And then the world spiraled out from under both of us. I started letting myself do things to you that I promised myself I wouldn’t.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” I muttered. “I know I shouldn’t enjoy it, but…” There wasn’t really any denying it, he was good. And I wasn’t going to tell him that to his face. I was getting attached to a man I barely knew, in an impossible situation.
I knew it.
But, I couldn’t pull away.
I found my only shred of sanity by indulging in him. By finding pleasure where I could.
“Well, if you don’t want to enjoy it, I can stop working so hard,” he said with a smug smile.
“Don’t even think about it.” I poked his side with my finger and closed my eyes.
It wasn’t like I was confident that I’d ever have mind blowing sex again. Maybe there was a possibility, but I certainly wasn’t good at picking out the mind-blowing sexperts in real life.
Then, I wondered if I’d ever want sex again after getting out of there.