Indulgence

by Liz Crowe

  “I’m holding a baby.”

  “And I’m swinging with my weak arm.” I lowered my voice. “No flirting, you’re engaged.”

  “I still have eyes.” She leaned in and whispered as she passed, “since when do you go for tats?”

  I grunted and closed the door, following her into the living room.

  James pulled on his T-shirt and shoes.

  “You don’t have to leave,” I said. We weren’t even done with our conversation, and I had just gotten him back.

  “You should spend time with your family, we can talk anytime,” he leaned over to kiss me, but I refused to let him say goodbye.

  “At least stay for lunch.”

  James snickered, “You cooking?”

  Of course, he went right for the low blow. “I’ve gotten damn good at spaghetti.”

  He raised his eyebrows and made a sound in his throat. “Uh huh. Without burning it?”

  “So, this totally wasn’t a one-night stand!” Chey said, lifting the baby out of the carrier, and eyeing both me and James.

  My jaw dropped and I covered my face with a hand. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “Come on,” she giggled, “just kidding. I’ll be good.”

  James’ hands touched my waist pulling me close and as I dropped my hand, he kissed my lips. “How about I go pick up something to eat. You two can do the sister thing and then we’ll all have lunch.”

  I pressed my lips together, he was getting a kick out of my embarrassment, but I nodded and followed him out to the foyer just to smack him in the arm.

  “You’re violent today,” he whispered. “Are you sure you want me here? Or is there a reason—”

  “I want to spend time with you. We’re supposed to be moving on, right? I just….” I need you. I wasn’t sure if it was healthy to need a person so much that my chest ached.

  “I’ll be back,” he promised, tracing his thumb over my lips.

  I peeked in the living room to see Chey with little Laney tucked over her shoulder.

  “I’m going to take something for my shoulder, I’ll be back.” I pulled myself to the upstairs bathroom and swallowed down two pain pills. I thought about changing out of my pajamas, but I wasn’t sure I had it in me to put on anything that didn’t involve a drawstring, so I headed back down and curled up on the couch next to Chey, watching her feed Laney a bottle.

  “You didn’t have to drive two hours to check on me,” I said.

  “I wanted to see you. Even if most of the trip was driving. Oh, and—” She tried to keep a straight face, but cracked a smile that captured her entire face. “I thought I should ask you in person to be the maid-of-honor at my wedding.”

  My mouth fell awkwardly open for the second time in ten minutes. “When?”

  “September, so you have about four months, but you can always come down and help me pick out my wedding dress in the meantime.”

  Normal. It hadn’t been what I was striving for since I got home—it had been what I was running away from. “I’d love it. Just no asking me to babysit while you try them on.”

  “She’s not going to bite,” Chey teased.

  “You really don’t know that.” I ran my fingers over Laney’s short, soft hair. It was already dark, just like Chey’s. “She looks like you. That’s a sure sign that she’s a pain in the ass.”

  “Well…,” she drew out the word, “I might have to give you that one.”

  Chey shifted Laney around and resting her against her shoulder to burp her. “Want to attempt to hold her?”

  “Nope,” I said, putting my hand up. I could have blamed my shoulder, but even I didn’t trust myself with something that fragile.

  Chey just laughed and leaned back. She looked so natural with the baby tucked in her arm—I’d never call it easy, but it suited her.

  “I’m really surprised you called last night,” she said.

  I sighed. “Me, too. But nine months of being a stubborn bitch is a bit excessive.”

  “Sometimes tough love is the only thing that gets through.” She half smiled and raised her eyebrows. “You were right, and I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to lose you. Or Peter. And especially not little Laney. You were the only one who straight up told me how stupid I was being.”

  “Well, at least you know I love you, no matter what.” I pulled my feet onto the couch and leaned my head against the back.

  “And vice versa. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I’ll be there. Especially if you want to dish about the sexy man you’ve been keeping in your living room.”

  I smacked the cushion next to me but couldn’t keep a straight face. “I haven’t been keeping him anywhere. He’s a friend and….”

  “And?” her voice almost squeaked.

  “He gets it. He got me out of there. Made sure I was safe.” I bit my lip, holding everything back before the emotions swelled up behind the flood gates.

  *****

  James was back within half an hour with hamburgers, fries, and shakes from the dairy bar, so Chey put Laney back in the carrier and we moved to the kitchen and everyone chowed down in relative silence. I was thankful since I wasn’t entirely sure of the last time I’d eaten more than a snack-sized meal.

  “Bathroom?” Chey asked, dumping her wrappers into the trashcan.

  “You’re going to leave me alone with the kid?” I asked.

  “I’m not going to be that long and you have back up,” she waved at James.

  But, just like any time I had ever been left with a kid, as soon as Chey stepped out of the room, Laney started to fuss.

  “Know anything about babies?” I grimaced.

  James squinted at me and grunted. “They like being held.”

  “I’ll get right on that.” I pointed to my shoulder.

  James shook his head and lifted Laney out of the carrier, rocking her against his chest. She fussed for a few seconds longer then quieted and took the pacifier.

  “Show off,” I muttered, clearing off the rest of the table.

  Chey stopped in the doorway and snickered, “You really did pass her off to him.”

  I dropped back into my seat. “Bullet hole in the arm, people. What the heck am I going to do?”

  “Excuses,” Chey teased, picking up her daughter and loading her back into the carrier. “I better get going. Don’t forget you promised to go dress shopping with me.” She wagged her finger at me.

  “Yeah, yeah, although I’m not sure I promised anything.” We hugged, and I fluffed up Laney’s hair. “Call me.”

  As soon as Chey and Laney left, James’ arm came around my waist and pulled me against him. I twisted, wrapping my uninjured arm behind his neck.

  “I told you everything would be fine with you two,” he said, he brushed his palms against his pants and stared toward the door. “I should get going too.”

  I nodded and groaned. I knew I couldn’t keep him there, but I wanted him to myself for a little longer. I watched his eyes as his gaze took in my face. His fingers brushed through my hair.

  “How are you?” I asked. Seemed a stupid question to ask now, after he’d been at my house all day, but I still didn’t know.

  He pulled away, shaking his head and pressing his lips together. “I’m here. And I’m alive, thanks to you, but….” Leaning against the counter, he let out a long breath. “Are you really sure you want me around, after everything I did to you?”

  So many times, I had tried to imagine what it must have been like for him. “Yes, James. I already forgave you.”

  “How?” His eyebrows wrinkled, pressing together over his pained eyes. “Every time I get close…,” he trailed off shaking his head.

  I dropped my shoulders and wrapped my arm around his waist. “It wasn’t so hard actually. You told me that my only choice was to give up control or die, but it applied to you, too. And unless you played your part, we both died. Once I started seeing the real you, the emotion and regret you tried to hide, I didn’t have it
in me to hate you for something you obviously hated, too.”

  He smiled, but I could tell it was all for show. “You’re a strong woman, Sugar.”

  My lips curled at the nickname. On one hand, I felt like I should run away from it, but I loved the way my insides melted every time it came out of his mouth. “Stronger than I was a few months ago. It still hurts, every day it still hurts, and after the last two days… I just want something good to hold onto.”

  “It’s going to take a lot of work.”

  “We’ve already escaped hell, I don’t think ‘work’ is going to stop us.” I stretched up to kiss his lips, and he drew me up and against his body. The no sex rule was definitely going to take the most work.

  Epilogue

  I stood at the front of the chapel, staring down at the flowers in my hands. I was supposed to be concentrating on the vows and my sister’s big moment, but my eyes kept traveling to the back door. My heart had at least a dozen reasons to be lodged in my throat, not the least of which was the man I hoped would walk through the door at any minute.

  Finally, they opened a crack and my heart settled as James stepped in. He’d had to testify at Miles’ hearing, and since the court refused to move the date, he was left flying in for the wedding at the last minute.

  Even though he’d missed most of the wedding—leaving me a nervous wreck—the wait was damn worth it to see him groomed in a suit and tie. The rush I still got every time I saw him made enduring the last four months worth it. Trying to figure out how to get everything back on track made us both grumpy at times, so we fought, made up, and argued it out in counseling—along with defending our decision to do it together at every turn. I didn’t care who agreed. It was the right decision.

  I bit my lip and turned my attention back to my sister. Peter slipped the ring on her finger, and the officiant pronounced them husband and wife. They kissed and turned to the crowd, but my eyes fluttered to the back of the room.

  He was gone. Just as quickly and quietly as he’d entered, he had disappeared.

  Everyone in the room rose to their feet as Chey and Peter returned down the aisle and exited the room. I walked across the stage to meet the best man, and he took my arm and led me down the aisle.

  My stomach fluttered and flipped. Just a little longer, I told myself.

  I stepped into the reception room—thankful that Chey had opted for an informal party—and an arm grabbed me and pulled me against the wall.

  “How’d it go?” I asked, going straight to business before he could even plant a kiss.

  He squinted then straightened with a huff. “They decided to give him a deal. He’ll be moved to another facility so he won’t be in contact with anyone from the ring and he’ll be eligible for parole next year. With his testimony, we have more than enough to make sure Milo is finished. And, if Miles gives the investigators information to finish taking down the rest operation, in another year or two he could be on probation. He’ll still have to register as a sex offender, but the judge thinks he has a good chance.”

  I smiled and nodded, but without Alley, it was only half a victory. “How is he?”

  “He’s still taking it hard. He wants to clean up and do right by Alley.”

  I sucked in a breath and pressed my back against the wall. I wasn’t supposed to want to bawl my eyes out at a wedding over this.

  “You look beautiful,” James said, bringing me out of my head.

  “And you look damn sexy,” I said, pulling on his tie and capturing his lips. I didn’t care if half the room saw us. Being with him made me happy, gave me the courage to live for myself, and not care what anyone else thought. “Thanks for flying down here.”

  “You know I wouldn’t have missed it.” He propped his chin on top of my head and held me tight for a moment, then he kissed my cheek. “I arranged for us to get a cabin tonight. I thought we could use a little… romantic time.”

  “Romantic time?” I felt a smile consume my face and my heart fluttered in my chest. “Are we finally breaking our no sex clause?”

  “Before I go insane, yes.”

  I pulled him close; I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. And how hard it had been over the last few months, but the latter part didn’t have to be spoken, since I knew he felt the same way. And, either way, I’d make damn sure that I showed him how I felt by the end of the night.

  We made our way to one of the tables near the edge of the room—since James almost always had to sit with his back to the wall in a crowded room.

  As soon as we sat down, Mom made a bee-line for us. “Care for kid duty for a while?”

  “Sure,” I held out the word and grimaced. The kid still freaked me out, like I was going to do something wrong, or she’d never stop crying. But I had to give it to her; she was a cute little handful.

  James leaned over, poking Laney in the stomach as he whispered, “You can go mingle if you want.”

  “Uh, no. I’m not much of a go mingle person, even if it is family and friends.” Sometimes that was worse. Even if they didn’t ask what happened while I was missing, I got the strange glances. And the awkward, “how have you been?” I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be ready for dinner with large groups of people again.

  “Well, I’m starving so I’m grabbing some food before this buffet runs out,” he kissed my temple and rose to abandon me not only to the crowd, but to the twenty pounds of chaos in my lap.

  I caught his suit jacket as he passed behind me. “Please, bring me some food.”

  “Don’t think I’ll share?”

  My skin heated. “I want my own plate,” I growled.

  He snorted and bent over the back of my chair to kiss me.

  Jack ass, I thought, but at least he could joke about the little things.

  Laney thumped her tiny fists against the table and made some kind of burbling noise that sounded like a warning signal before an explosion. I really hoped that wasn’t the case. Then, she perked up and cooed.

  Dear lord, I’m in for it.

  “Whatcha doin’ Laney,” Chey squealed beside me.

  “Oh good. Go to Mommy. That seems brilliant.”

  “You really need to get over your kid aversion,” Chey mumbled, scooping up her baby.

  I ignored the jab. “Congratulations.” I stood and hugged Chey first, and then Peter, catching James’ expression as I stepped away.

  Brother-in-law, I reminded silently, but I doubted it mattered. The one thing James hadn’t gotten over was possessive protectiveness. He sat the plates down and slid his arm around my waist. Here we go.

  “James this is Peter. My sister’s husband and father of the spawn.”

  Peter chuckled and held out his hand to James. “I’d be offended, but I’ve known her so long, I stopped listening. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  James made a sound in his throat that sounded halfway between a laugh and a worried groan.

  “All good,” Chey added.

  “Shouldn’t you two be entertaining your guests?” I asked.

  But as soon as Chey pushed Laney toward me, I regretted my words.

  “Wh—I did my tour of duty.”

  “And she hardly ever gets to see you. We’re at the front table, just until after dinner and our dance?”

  I got the feeling this was going to be the longest dinner ever—at least the longest dinner I’d actually have the privilege of eating at. As soon as I sat down and tried to balance a kid with eating, all Laney wanted to do was wiggle and flap around. Finally, James took pity, reached over, and plucked her up. He had a patience I couldn’t quite match. She squirmed away in his lap, too, but he turned it into some kind of game that had her giggling up a storm. I shook my head and finished the rest of my food, but I couldn’t help constantly glancing over at him and smiling.

  “Don’t,” he whispered, and I frowned back. “Don’t keep watching me like that and thinking that I’m good with her.”

  “You are good with her, and it’s adorable. But I also ge
t that it doesn’t mean that you want your own, and I’m fine with that.”

  He glared back. “You don’t think that one day you’re going to regret not being a mother, or resent it?”

  “I’m good.” I shook my head, “Cute as she is… no. There’s nothing rational about kids, they’re just… utter chaos. I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime.”

  James’ eyes went dull, and I wished I could pull back the last part of the sentence, but a hand landed on my shoulder.

  “You might think differently when it’s your kid,” Mom said, rubbing the back of my head before she reached over James’ shoulder for Laney.

  I groaned and tossed the napkin from my lap onto the table. “You weren’t supposed to hear all of that.”

  “And I wasn’t eavesdropping on purpose,” She took the seat next to me, but as soon as Laney saw her she turned into a fusspot until we passed her around the table. Mom laid her against her shoulder and patted her back. “Hey, princess….”

  I felt something brush the inside of my wrist. “Rose.”

  My chest stuttered when I tried to inhale, but when I finally managed a deep breath, the sounds of the room bombarded my senses.

  James’ fingers brushed my neck. “You zoned out for a second,” he whispered.

  Goosebumps took over my flesh. Every sense felt overstimulated.

  James draped his jacket over my shoulders, holding my hand and resting his other arm against the back of my chair.

  “I’m okay,” I said, but every nerve in my skin tingled and burned, especially up the back of my neck.

  “Rose?” Mom sat forward, watching me as intently as James was.

  “I have some not-so-great memories associated with Princess.” I heard Gabe echo the word in my head, but I took a deep breath and shoved him away. “I’m good.”

  I relaxed, letting James angle me sideways to lean against him. “I really am fine, Mom.”

  She smiled and shifted Laney to her other arm. “I don’t think I ever want to know the details, but I’m glad you two have each other.”

  Reaching over my shoulder, I hooked my hand around James’ neck. “Me, too.”