Knee Deep

by Jolene Perry

  “You’ll be more than okay, Ronnie,” Dad says. “You’ll always be more than okay.”

  And the women were right. I needed someone here. Just for this, just for after. I throw my arms around Dad and exhale. I need someone to help fill the hollowed out feeling in my gut.

  ~ 24 ~

  I step inside the house after school. It still amazes me that there are only weeks left in my senior year.

  Dad’s voice carries from the backyard. “Don’t work yourself into the ground.” He chuckles. “Yeah, I’m sure we’ll head out there. I’m trying to take a long vacation from work, but we’ll see what happens…if I worked three days a week I might manage the whole summer, but it’s not like we’ll even see you with that crazy schedule of yours.”

  I stand still as stone in the entry. Who is he talking to? And why can’t I take a deep breath?

  “I’m really glad you called, Luke. I miss seeing you around. I don’t want to get in the middle of anything here. I know she misses you, but I’m glad she has this time on her own.”

  The walls close in. The ceiling comes down. I’m in a box with no air. It’s awesome and horrible that he’s talking to my dad. It’s like he’s right here. On the phone, his warm, smooth voice, his dimples, wide smile and golden eyes. But I don’t get it. Him. Not even his voice.

  I drop my pack on the floor and lean against the wall. His smile, his words on the night we met by accident outside, “My attention is divided.” And then later, “I wasn’t acting,” and the way I crushed him in my driveway after he laid everything out for me to see. “I love you so much that I can’t imagine myself with someone else.”

  I have this weak, shaky, heart-pounding fear that I’ll never get another chance with him.

  Because, I, Ronnie Bird, blew it.

  “Well, I hope to talk to you again soon…thanks for the call.” Dad’s voice gets lower.

  Dad steps through the back door into the house and slides the phone into his pocket. His face falls as our eyes meet.

  “How is he?” I ask. “Did he call for me?” But that’s kind of a silly question since he called Dad’s phone and not mine.

  Dad lets out a breath and his eyes flit to the floor before meeting mine again.

  Frustration and anger start to build. I don’t know if I’m mad at me, mad at Dad, mad at Luke, or just mad at everyone. “Look, it’s not like you can hide who you were talking to. I’m just asking you one stupid question!” My jaw trembles and I hate my stupid chin; it’s like a sign to Dad—your daughter’s about to cry so you’d better give in.

  “He’s buried himself in work and school.”

  Nice. Trying to protect me in the most ridiculous way possible. And working to death. Just like his dad. Do all sons have to inherit their father’s weaknesses?

  I need my room.

  “Ronnie, wait. We should talk.” Dad takes a step forward.

  I don’t speak. I just hold up my hand between us as I start down the hall. My door slams, my iPod speakers get turned up, and my body becomes a small ball on my bed.

  ***

  When I wake up part of me finally realizes I really, actually, probably won’t get Luke. And it sucks. And it hurts so bad it’s hard to breathe, but I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll get through this just like I’ve gotten through everything that’s happened this year—mostly this means I’ll just keep moving forward.

  I don’t know what to say in texts to Luke, so I don’t send any. The last bits, or the beginning bits of communication between us, are cut off.

  Arsenic and Old Lace is a huge success, and I’ve found a serious passion for acting. It’s something I’m good at, that I like doing. This doesn’t mean I have any idea what I’m going to do in college, but that doesn’t matter either. I’m okay with going and working towards whatever I decide on later.

  I ask Curtis to Prom. One, I know he’ll go with me. Two, I know we’ll have fun. He’s tall enough that I can wear my heels, and knows I have no interest in dating him. We kiss at the end of the night because it seems like you shouldn’t end a prom date without a kiss. That, and he keeps teasing me because he never got his kiss while he was Romeo’s understudy. Because Luke never missed a rehearsal. Not once.

  Graduation is a flurry of excitement; filled with cheesy speeches and Mindy and I making fun of the people in our senior class before they’re all gone and we can’t anymore. We use our notebook to make predictions about what our friends will be doing with their lives at our ten-year reunion. She’ll be working this summer and will also be hooked to Paul. Apparently all he had to do was give her some space for her to fall head over heels crazy in love with him.

  I’m leaving to spend the summer at the beach house. The whole summer. One mile from the boy I still love who might not want to see me.

  ~ 25 ~

  Every mile further from home is another mile closer to Luke—and uncertainty. We weren’t supposed to leave until tomorrow, but after some pleading on my end we took off, knowing it’ll be dark when we arrive. I sit sideways in the backseat, my new iPad on my lap, and scroll through emails. One from Luke comes up.

  My heart jumps and I open it.

  Ronnie—

  I love you. I want to drive to your house and hold you. I can’t believe that jerk put you in the hospital! It’s like my insides are being torn out from the thought of it. But I don’t know if you want me there, or if I can handle another rejection from you. I guess…know I’m thinking about you and love you as much as I always have.

  Love,

  Luke

  That’s bizarre. That whole situation was months ago. I check the date on the email. It’s dated a few days after my last email to Luke, the one where I told him about Shawn in jail and everything. Has he kept it all this time? Maybe he knows we’re coming.

  I close out of Luke’s email and there are three more from him waiting in my email inbox. My heart starts to race.

  The next email is more of the same. When I refresh, there are four more emails.

  I check the dates. All old. In order. Starting after the day I first emailed him, Luke wrote me nearly every day. Every day. For how long? I sit for a moment and hit refresh on my email account, four more. I start to read, realizing that he knows I’ll be there tomorrow and he wanted me to have these before I came. My heart’s hitting inside my ribs, full of hope and excitement and forcing a ridiculous grin to spread across my face.

  …I think I get it. Why you couldn’t say yes that night. It wasn’t a fair way to tell you how much I loved you. It’s just that I’d been holding onto it for so long, it had to come out…

  …I hope Shawn’s never let out. He doesn’t deserve to be…

  …you know, I really thought I’d keep up with theater in college, but I get what my dad does now. The graphic design and commercial stuff. I always thought it was dorky before, but now I get it. It’s art, and I’m loving it…

  Every time I go back to my inbox I have more letters from him. I can’t believe he wrote all of these. My hands shake as I click to open the next letter.

  …Prom is next weekend. Part of me thought about coming back, but after a semester in college, it seems silly. I’m trying not to think about who you’re going with. It’s killing me to not do everything in my power to beg you to be with me. To wait for me, because I’m waiting for you. Waiting to tell you over and over how much I still love you…

  …I feel like such a betrayer for talking to your dad. Mine’s never around, even though I’m starting to understand him better as I start to understand what he does. It’s so nice to hear about you and how well you’re doing from someone who loves you so much. I’m sure if you knew we talked, you’d be pissed. I would be. It really isn’t fair that I’m in a position to know how you are, but at the same time, I have no idea if you care how I am, not in the same way. Wish I could have seen you in Arsenic and Old Lace. I’m sure you were brilliant. I’m scared to death I’m making a huge mistake by leaving you alone. It’s that this part of me
knows that you need it, even though it’s so hard to give it to you…

  …if you’ll let me, there’s no way I’m staying away from you this summer. I’m wrapping my arms around you the minute you step out of the car.

  I love you,

  Luke

  “You okay honey?” Dad asks as he drives.

  “Yeah.” But the iPad is heavy in my hands, and shakes, even though it’s resting on my knees.

  Months of letters. Months. I can’t even count them all.

  “Sorry we didn’t get there sooner,” Dad says.

  I glance out the window at the last gasp of the setting sun. My heart leaps, we’re almost there. Luke’ll be here and he wants me. Me. Even after all I did. And we’re here. So close. I start to pull out my phone, but I’m looking past Mom and Dad out the windshield. Right. Don’t really want to talk with Luke when I have company. Only a few more minutes. I can wait that long.

  The second we stop, I leap out of the car, throw my parents a wave and say something about finding Luke. My legs push hard as I run down to the beach. It’s empty. I see one jogger in the distance and no one else. My whole body is strung up on nerves and hope. There has to be a way to calm myself before seeing Luke. I’m still shaking. I start to walk south, hoping that walking will slow my heart down. Slow my thoughts.

  And even though my dress is linen, and brand new, I step into the edges of the waves. The cool water sliding bits of sand through my toes is something I’ll never get tired of, but walking isn’t what I need now—there’s too much pent-up energy inside me. I pull my skirt up and run like I did when I was a little girl. I run fast and hard, letting the water spray out in front of me, splattering up my dress and making me feel five years old again. My laughter breaks the stillness of the air and lightens me, almost enough to fly with the gulls.

  I stop, completely out of breath. The beach is still empty. Really, I should do this every day. I’m probably almost all the way to Luke’s house. My heart races. What will happen when I get to his door?

  Just a few more minutes of prep, right? I can do this. I can see him and tell him I love him and that I’ve missed him. It’s like my heart’s higher up in my chest than it should be, the excited tension still making my chest flutter.

  My dress is already wet, so it really doesn’t matter how much water I get on it. I drop the skirt and let the wet ends soak up the ocean as a wave comes up to mid-calf. I walk in until I’m knee deep. That was always the rule. Knee deep, no further. Even now, at eighteen, I still feel safety from that. Like nothing can hurt me here.

  But things are different now. I’m eighteen, and I obviously really know how to get myself wet; I can sink and drown, like I almost did with Shawn.

  I step in deeper. But not much. Just over my knees. Just so I know I can do it. My dress blends and disappears into the water around me. I feel like a mermaid or something, coming up for air. The surf hits my knees hard tonight, must be a spring storm somewhere out in the Pacific.

  “Ronnie.” My name comes out in a rush of air.

  I spin to see Luke just before he wraps his arms around me, pulling me tightly against his chest. My heart beats against his as our bodies press together.

  “You’re here early,” he whispers in my ear. “I missed you every day. Every day.”

  “Me, too.” I squeeze my eyes tight and pull harder. Why didn’t I call him? Why didn’t I do more or try harder? I’m holding Luke. After months of not knowing, not understanding, my arms are around him and I’m holding him the way I should have the night he begged me to be with him. “I got your letters.”

  He pulls away just enough to see my face, and it’s like he wants to see all of me, as if we’ve been apart for years, not months. His eyes flit around my face, taking me in before going down to the water between us.

  “Knee deep.” He smiles, running his fingers down through the ends of my hair. “Feel safe here?”

  “With you.” And that’s really it, isn’t it? I feel safe with Luke. I trust him. I trust him in a way that I probably didn’t trust Shawn since I was too young to ever distrust anybody.

  Our eyes meet again, and there’s no way we can stand like this and not kiss. Every cell in every part of me pulls and pushes toward him until our lips are together, sending waves of shivers through me. The kind that heat me up, fill me, and take me over in a way I want to be taken over again and again. His hands cup my face in his. I swim in him, get lost. My hands lightly grasp his wrists as his hands hold my face and our mouths slide together again.

  He pulls away first, keeping our faces close enough that I feel his warmth.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t send the letters sooner. I just…I needed to feel like you had time, like you were really ready to be with me.” His lips brush against mine as he talks.

  “I’m really ready.” I push up on my toes.

  “So, we’re way past knees, right?” he teases.

  I pinch his Lego t-shirt. “We’re all the way in.”

  We kiss again, but now it’s different. It’s everything. It’s me and Luke and our future and our past, and everything mixes between and around us. His mouth is soft. I don't know how he does it, but it melts me like nothing has ever melted me before. There’s no way of knowing where I stop and he starts, where the water touches me, where my feet hit the sand, because it’s all pulling for us. Pulling for this moment.

  We’re hit by a wave and I stumble backward, but my foot gets caught in my dress and there’s nowhere to go but down. I scream as I laugh, and we both fall. Luke manages to keep my face above the water, but he comes up for air just as we’re hit by another wave. He sputters the water out of his mouth and I kiss his salty lips as we’re both doused again.

  He pulls me onto his lap and we sit at the edge of the ocean, the water still sliding up and over my waist.

  “I feel a little silly sitting in the ocean in my clothes.” I press my nose into his dimple, and his fingers stroke my hair again, and the sides of my face, my shoulders…

  “Sorry, I can’t stop touching you.” His smile is softer than mine, full of things that are real, that are love, that are part of Ronnie and Luke. And I know, as he feels me with his gaze, that I'll have some big firsts to add to my notebook. Soon. Maybe in just weeks.

  His hand rests on the back of my neck and our mouths meet again; his kiss is deep, warm, and unrelenting. The cool water swirls around us. My body will never recover from the way he touches me. Maybe I’ll have new ‘firsts’ in just days…

  He climbs to his feet and pulls me up to stand beside him. My green dress clings to me, making it hard to move. We’re caked in sand and saltwater—the perfect start to summer.

  “I love you, Ronnie Bird.”

  Every word floats through me.

  “I love you, too.” Maybe I’ll have something to add to that notebook in hours…

  He pulls me into his arms, harder this time, grabbing fistfuls of the back of my soaked dress, his mouth pressing into mine. The cool night air is no match for the heat that is Luke, holding me like he needs me.

  “Let's find you something dry to wear.” His breath is hot on my ocean-soaked face.

  My heart explodes in my chest, sending heat through me, happiness, excitement. Maybe my list will change in minutes…

  His golden eyes hit mine again, but only because he’s pulled far enough away for me to see them. “You ready?”

  “For anything.”