Morna's Legacy 04 - Love Beyond Measure

by Bethany Claire

  “Who would have thought, huh? All of this,” he motioned to the room with his free hand. “It’s crazy, but kind of wonderful too. Coop really loves it here.”

  I nodded, gladly leaning into Jeffrey’s comforting arm. “Yes, I’m sure he does for a few days, but he’ll be ready to get home soon.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure, Grace. He’s an odd kid; I kind of think this place suits him even better than back home.”

  I couldn’t imagine what he was getting at, but I wished he’d stop. Believing that there was a possibility that Cooper could be happy here made me hope for something I couldn’t have. “Well, there’s a lot more to it than just Cooper’s happiness.”

  Jeffrey squeezed my shoulder and kissed the side of my temple, rubbing my back sympathetically. “Are you saying that you wouldn’t be happy here?”

  I shook my head against his chest. “No. I think I would.”

  “So what’s there to think about, Grace? Let’s stay. What have you got to lose? It’s not a prison here. Mitsy and Baodan have both said that should you ever want to leave, should you ever need to return home, Morna would help you.” He released me and paced around the room. “If you leave now though, you’ll regret it, Grace. You’ll wonder forever if you missed out on the real thing. The thing you’re never gonna get from me, the thing you want Cooper to see exists.”

  Of course he would give me permission to stay. I’d expect nothing less from him, which is why I’d hoped he wouldn’t realize how much I wanted to stay. I’d been a fool to think I could hide anything from him.

  “Jeffrey, you don’t want to be here. Are you saying that you’ll leave? Because you won’t, I know you wouldn’t leave Cooper here, and I am not going to ask you to do that for me.”

  “You’re not asking me, Grace. I’m telling you that I like it here, too. I’d like it anywhere as long as I have you and Cooper.”

  “No, we’re not going to sacrifice Cooper’s childhood, your job, your life, just because of this.” I didn’t even know what ‘this’ was. “This thing with Eoghanan.”

  “His childhood?” Jeffrey’s voice was quickly growing frustrated. “A childhood of what? Seeing his mother unhappy because she sacrificed what she really wanted to give him what she thought he needed. A childhood of being picked on because he’s smarter than all the other kids in his class and he’d rather read a book than play a videogame?”

  Jeffrey had made his point. I was using Cooper as an excuse. “Fine.” Tears started to fill my eyes, and my voice cracked as I spoke. “It’s not about Cooper. It’s about you and how guilty I feel that every decision in your life has been about me. And…it’s about Eoghanan. What if he doesn’t even want me?”

  He stormed past me, stopping in the doorway. “What a load of shit, Grace. The man wouldn’t spend half his days writing about you if he didn’t want you. You’re scared, and you need to grow up. You can only use being a mother as an excuse not to have your own life for so long.”

  The shock on my face must have been evident, for he nodded, continuing. “That’s right, Grace. The man is crazy about you. I was playing with Cooper last night, and we stumbled across some old room where he writes. You should see it, Grace. Only a total idiot would turn down someone that thinks that highly of them. There are few men that could ever be worthy of you as far as I’m concerned, but he’s one of them. Do not be an idiot.”

  He stepped out into the hallway.

  “And you know what? My mind is made up anyway. Even if you decide to leave, I’m staying right here.”

  Chapter 26

  The room took some finding, but shortly after Jeffrey left me, I went in search of it.

  The room was filled with books all neatly organized amongst cleanly-kept shelves, candles ready to be lit lining the room.

  I moved slowly, setting it alight, taking in the beautiful cave-like atmosphere. It would have been a nice place to work on my article, which now would remain eternally unfinished.

  Jeffrey didn’t make idle threats or promises. If he said he’d made up his mind to stay, he would stay. And so would I.

  In the center of the room was a large table, and right in the center lay the open-faced journal. Eoghanan must have truly thought the room hidden to have left it out so blatantly. It was wrong of me to be here, to delve into his private thoughts without permission, but curiosity overwhelmed me. I truly had no right to shame Cooper for eavesdropping. He came by it honestly.

  The journal was new, not only the entries, but the binding itself was modern. It was the sort of special journal I could’ve ordered from a craftsman; the outside leather, the pages made of the highest quality paper, all sewn in thick gold-colored threads. It had the look of something old, but the date embossed on the inside flap of leather showed the date of its creation—two thousand and fourteen. I imagined it had arrived at the doorstep via Morna, right alongside my son’s dinosaurs.

  I thumbed the pages for a bit, running my fingers over the ink-dried pages, without really looking at the words, trying to work up the nerve to actually read them. When I finally did, I found myself taken aback. He’d not written so much about me, as for me.

  “Do ye remember the day ye spent with Cooper in the park? I only know the lad’s name for ’tis what ye called him when ye spoke. Ye have the loveliest voice I’ve ever heard.”

  I could think of few things less lovely than the sound of my voice. I cringed every time I heard it on any sort of home movie or recording.

  “If ye ever read this, ’twill be many moons from now, but for me, ’twas just this afternoon. Me body is bleeding and wounded from the journey, and I write with pages so far from me eyes I canna see them, but I must write every piece of ye down lest I forget ye. ’Twould break me heart to no remember every instant that I saw.”

  I put a finger on the page to hold my place and skipped forward a handful of pages, smiling as I did so. He’d told the truth about the page being far from his eyes. The page I read now was scribbled messily, the lines and words crooked with the effort it took him to hold the pen and move his fingers.

  As his shoulder slowly healed, so did the neatness of his handwriting. It came as no surprise that in full form with the full movement of his shoulder restored that his last entry showed handwriting that was shockingly straight and neat.

  I returned back to where I’d left off reading.

  “I have no ever been so frightened in me life as when I woke inside the park. The tall stone structures and the deafening noise were enough to make a man mad. Me head and heart pounded as I struggled to understand the sights around me, and then me eyes found ye and the wee lad. Yer long blonde hair blew with the breeze, and ye laughed as ye pushed the boy on a strange seat that sent him flying in the air. Ye wore the breeches of a man, though I’ve never seen a man wear something so tight. God help me, lass, I couldna keep me eyes off yer bum. I couldna believe when I looked around and saw many lassies dressed such. ’Tis no wonder Morna says there are numbers of more people in the world now than in me own time. I imagine men have a verra hard time getting much work done. Ye wore such lovely colors, the greens and blues in yer top making yer eyes sparkle in the sun. I doona even know yer name, but me only dream tonight, should sleep find me, is that I should get to see yer face once again.”

  I closed my eyes as I reached the end of the entry, my fingers lingering lovingly on the last line. I remembered so little about that day. To have him detail it so attentively was as if he’d started caring for me the first day he’d ever seen me. The adoration in his words was overwhelming. I flipped forward, finding an entry dated the day Cooper and I arrived at the inn.

  “God, me heart stopped beating when I saw ye standing in the kitchen. To see ye when ye canna see me is one thing; to know that ye are looking back at me is another. I have no ever felt such a way before, lass. There is something between us, aye? I know that we doona know each other, but ’tis there; a feeling that tells me I canna go back to a life before I met ye. I think ’tis ho
w it should be, perhaps. I wouldna know, ’tis a verra new experience for me. I knew there was a reason me travels back sent me to ye. I dinna believe Morna when she said ’twas no her doing. It was, and I couldna be more grateful for it. I am verra fond of ye, lass. I think in time, ye will be of me as well.”

  I’d been too shocked at Cooper’s exclamations of knowing the man to let it sink in at the time, but I’d felt much the same way. A sudden shift in my being, like a gear in my brain clicking into place when I saw him. From that moment, I couldn’t be in the same room with him without being intensely aware of him every moment, without feeling his presence deep in my bones.

  “I knew the wee lad had seen me, but I’d hoped it hadna been so clearly that he’d recognize me. I hope that the idea dinna scare ye, lass. I saw yer eyes widen at Cooper’s exclamation and aye, I suppose ’tis a bit unsettling to think that I might have been watching ye without yer knowledge. And although I have, ’tis been nothing but care and admiration in me heart while doin so.”

  I had no doubt about that. As he’d said, Morna controlled where he went, not him. Cooper had known that as well; from his first glimpse of him in the airport, when he’d tried to tell me about him and I’d been frightened, he’d said he could see what a good man he was from his eyes.

  There were several more entries that I skimmed, coming finally to the last one, written only this morning.

  “I am a man who has denied meself many things, but none has been so difficult as denying meself ye. To know that ye plan to leave here ’tis no something I wish to think about. I understand why ye feel that ye must, but ye are wrong. Ye belong here. Ye and Cooper and Jeffrey; ye could all be a part of this family. I need ye. I love ye, lass. Doona leave.”

  Mitsy was right. He cared too much about others and too little about himself to ask me what he wanted anywhere but in these journals. What a gift, though he’d not wished for me to see it, to know how he felt; to know that he’d not slowly warmed to me, but opened his heart to me so immediately, trusting that some things are meant to be so much more readily than I had.

  I closed the journal, my eyes brimming with tears and abundant gratitude for this strange, miraculous change in the path of my life.

  I heard sudden footsteps behind me. I knew it was Eoghanan even before I turned.

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for ye, lass.

  Chapter 27

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” I trailed off as I stood and faced him, waiting for him to approach me. Truthfully, I was much more sorry that I’d been caught than having read the journal.

  When he reached me, he cupped either side of my face, brushing away a loose tear with his thumb, before kissing me gently. I relaxed against him, matching his slow kisses with my own.

  After a moment, he pulled away, leaning in to whisper in my ear. “Doona be sorry. They were meant for ye, only mayhap no so soon.”

  I wound one of my hands into his hair, holding him close to me as I spoke. “It’s not too soon. I’m not going anywhere. You can thank Jeffrey for helping me see that I couldn’t.”

  “Aye, I shall thank him, lass, but no tonight.” He kissed me again, but not slowly like before; it was deeper, more urgent and I molded my body against him, my knees growing weak with anticipation.

  A sudden commotion sounded below us, the voices of many people echoing up through the stairwell. I groaned internally, pulling away from his kiss and allowing my head to drop disappointingly onto his shoulder. “Your guests are here.”

  “Guests?” He lifted my head, asking for more explanation.

  “Yes, the Conalls are here, I think. They’ve come to stay until the baby is born.”

  He nodded. “I am no surprised.” Gripping my hand, he pulled me out of the room and started moving down the stairwell rather quickly.

  I assumed he was taking me to greet them, but as he turned the corner leading to his bedchamber rather than continuing to the great hall, I smiled. “Where are we going?”

  “To bed, Grace. Ye can meet them in the morning. It nearly killed me to no bury meself inside ye before. I willna be interrupted now.”

  If we’d not been moving, I knew my knees would have actually buckled. I’d always thought that a dramatic cliché, but it wasn’t. His words thrilled me so much that my heart sped up to a frightening pace. I could scarcely breathe. All of the blood seemed to drain from my brain, leaving no other thoughts but him and what I wanted him to do to me.

  *

  He’d been a fool to let her leave his bed the evening before without begging her to stay. He was finished behaving as a fool.

  It was the part of himself he hated most—his desire to always do what he thought right. In that moment of cowardice, he’d believed it right of him to let her leave if she thought it best. But he’d realized his mistake the moment he’d left his room. There was nothing right about Grace leaving his life.

  How many times had his notions of right or wrong been misguided? All that had happened with Osla, Niall, and Baodan should have shown him that. Sometimes he made very bad mistakes. Letting her believe he didn’t want her here, even for a moment, was one of them.

  He needed her, unlike anyone he’d ever met. He needed her and Cooper to show him that he could be the man he knew he was, not the man others had believed him to be for so many years.

  She needed him as well.

  Eoghanan knew that he could help her open up to believing that being a mother didn’t negate her need to be desired or loved. Each time he kissed her, he could sense her restraint. Even now as he flung his bedchamber door open, pushing her up against the doorway as he cupped her breast with his hand, she moaned and pushed herself into it. He could feel the effort she put into trying to keep herself from enjoying it fully. Too many years alone had somehow convinced the lass that after motherhood one couldn’t express sexual desires. It was the one foolish notion he’d seen in her.

  Mothers who were regularly tupped by a man who loved them made the happiest moms; just as dads who found release in their wives were the happiest of men.

  He would prove that to her tonight.

  *

  Each flick of his tongue down my neck, each squeeze of my breast through the fabric of my dress had me writhing against him, one part of me desperate for him to undress me, the other part guilty for being so self-indulgent.

  As far as I could see, motherhood was the greatest blessing one could receive in life, but with it came a sort of constant, eternal sense of guilt I’d yet to learn how to shake. I’d spent much of my childhood alone under the care of nannies or Jeffrey’s father, and I remembered wondering why my parents didn’t want to spend time with me. What was so important that they were always gone?

  I didn’t ever want Cooper to wonder where I was, to ever question whether I thought something else was more important than him. I’d not been able to take a yoga class or get a massage since his birth without feeling guilty for leaving him.

  Eoghanan must have sensed my hesitation for he stopped kissing me. Although he kept our bodies pressed together, my back still against the wall, he cupped my head in his hands and spoke. “Where are ye lass? For ’tis no right here with me.”

  I closed my eyes in resignation of how right he was. I wanted nothing more than to be present, in this moment, to enjoy him in every imaginable way, but something resisted. “Coop, he…”

  Eoghanan didn’t allow me to finish, covering my mouth with one of his palms. “Hush, Grace. This night is no about Cooper, nor Jeffrey, nor anyone else within these walls. Ye needn’t worry about him. He’s with his dad and our new guests, one of whom I know has him up in her lap talking all about his wee dinosaurs. Bri loves children and, even if ye were with Cooper now, she will be the one who has his attention. Tonight…” he released his grip on my mouth and lifted me away from the wall, keeping both hands behind me as he worked at my laces. He spoke in between kisses he placed strategically along my collarbone, “…only ye and me exist in the world. We must
help rid the other of the chains we place ourselves in.”

  He travelled his kisses up the side of my neck, along my jawline as he let go of the laces. He gripped the top of my sleeves and pulled, sending my dress to the floor as he kissed me on the lips once more.

  His breathing escalated instantaneously, though I knew he’d yet to glance down at my naked body. His eyes were locked with my own, his voice deep and husky with desire.

  “I love ye, Grace. I am no saying it because I want ye in me bed. I say it because I’ve loved ye since the first time I saw ye. Before ye knew of me existence, I loved ye.”

  I’d fallen for a similar line once before and wound up with Cooper, but unlike the time before when the man’s confession had been laced with beer and delivered simultaneously with the opening of a condom, I felt the truthfulness of Eoghanan’s words somewhere deep inside.

  It was not the first time I’d felt such a conviction—Eoghanan said nothing he didn’t mean. I wouldn’t either.

  “I won’t tell you that part of me doesn’t worry that I’m just too caught up in this, that it’s foolish of me to say it, because it wouldn’t be true. I am worried. I’m scared to death, Eoghanan. I’m scared because I know what you mean. That first time in the kitchen, I felt something too and that seems completely crazy to me.” I was rambling but I couldn’t stop, my breath coming so rapidly that each intake of air caused my breasts to push against his chest. “Completely crazy. I mean, who does that? Feels this way so fast. It’s nuts.”

  Both of my hands lay on his shoulders, and I found that I was shaking him a bit, and he regarded me with a confused expression.

  “I only understood mayhap three words of that, lass. That was a good deal too many words when all I can think about is how much I want to pull those teasing breasts of yers into me mouth. Please say it again, lass, only with less words.”