Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  “You don’t know a fucking thing.” I let my anger seep past my lips. He didn’t deserve it, but he was choosing to goad me with his self-righteous assumptions.

  “I know that’s your gun we found, your bullet, your best friend naked and bleeding, and your wife covered in his blood. I wager you got a good amount of gunshot residue on your hand, boy. You got blood all over your clothes…” The sound of the windshield wipers scraping across the glass brought me back to Belle, to the scene. I closed my eyes, the cop’s voice faded, and all I could hear were my own sobs as I held my little girl’s broken body in my arms.

  I didn’t care about Sarah, or how she had pleaded for her life, or how she’d pleaded for Paul’s. All I saw was red. Blood… selfish need streaming from her face. Disgust roiled in my gut as all the images kept streaming back and forth between Sarah’s moans, Belle’s dead body, and Paul’s groan as he fucked my wife. The woman who had birthed our daughter, the person who was supposed to love me, care about our family, care about our child enough to realize she’d gone missing, had ruined our lives… I’d pull that trigger over and over again if I could.

  “…your daughter?”

  I hadn’t heard what he said; I was too lost in the past few hours. “What?”

  “Where’s your daughter, Mr. Hartford?” He eyed me suspiciously.

  “She was the three-year-old that died tonight. She was the DOA my unit was called to, the hit and run off of 7th Ave. She was my only daug—” My throat closed off, and I had no more words. The misery swallowed me down… my life was over, and I’d never be the same again.

  “Belle! Baby—” The sound of my own voice shook me from my nightmare. Sweat covered my forehead, and my breathing was uneven. I wiped at my face and when I opened my eyes, the dim morning light crawled across the bedspread from my open bedroom door.

  I hadn’t gotten a hold of all my bearings before I felt Maggie stir next to me.

  “Who’s Belle?” she asked as she examined my face with worry at first. But the longer I remained silent, the longer I watched the trust — the trust I never deserved — fade.

  I sat up in the bed and our eyes met. I wasn’t sure what to say.

  “You said her name. You called out for her… while you were sleeping.” Her lips began to shiver, and I hated myself. I should’ve never started this with her. She deserved more than my fucked up life. She and Beth both. She threw the covers back and stood abruptly. “Don’t, don’t just sit there and stare at me, Ryan. Talk! Talk to me… Tell me something… anything. Who is she? Who is Belle?” She shook her head. My mouth wanted so much to move, but it wouldn’t. I couldn’t go back there with her. She’d never understand what I’d done.

  “Please, Maggie, I can’t… I don’t want to hurt you. It’s not—”

  She grabbed her things from the dresser top. She was so angry, but I still couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t find the will to stop her — to make her understand that I shouldn’t want this, that it was too soon, too much, and I wasn’t sure I was ready. I’d never be the man I’d once been. I’d never be the man that could make her truly happy.

  “It’s not what, Ryan?” She paused and pulled her hair quickly into a messy knot on the top of her head. “It’s not what I think? Is that what you were going to say?” She laughed bitterly as her eyes turned glassy with unshed tears, and the pang of regret squeezed my heart. “Why can’t you talk to me? Why can’t you trust me? I trusted you. I’ve started to let you in, I trusted you with Beth…” she exhaled harshly, “…you don’t understand what it’s like for me. How hard it is… you’re not a parent.”

  The words hit me square in the chest, knocking the air from my lungs, and my anger flared. She didn’t know one thing about what I’d been through — not one. “Get, out.” The calm tenor of my voice belied the true fury boiling below the surface.

  She gasped, and her blue eyes met mine. “Ryan, I—”

  “Just go, Maggie.” My head fell in defeat, and my shoulders shook with restraint. I needed her to leave. The grip I held was slipping, and I needed her to be gone when I let go of the ledge.

  “I can’t do this again,” she mumbled, and my attention fell to her wet lashes and distant gaze. “I can’t let myself get hurt again. I can’t trust you if you won’t tell me what’s happening inside your head.” Her jaw clenched when I didn’t respond. “Stay away from me.”

  Her demand was concrete, and it etched its way inside my ribcage. Detachment… it was all I knew. She slammed my bedroom door and, on her way out, a wounded cry escaped her lips. It took everything in my power not to run after her, and my jaw ached with the amount of pressure I’d used to keep my mouth shut. I stood from the mattress in a moment of weakness. My feet pulled me toward the front door. But that’s as far as I got, that’s as far as I could manage before my panic took over and my lungs filled with dread.

  I turned and leaned back, my head rested against the wood of the door. My eyes closed as I counted each rapid beat of my pulse. The calm I’d hoped for never came. Maggie’s hopeful noise was already starting to fade, and the comfort I’d once found in silence was gone. The quiet morning clouded around my periphery. She left. I’d let her leave, and I had no one to blame but myself.

  The ambulance bay was a revolving door today, and each hour that passed made it more difficult to see this shift through until the end. I sighed as I let myself relax into the worn down cushions of the breakroom couch. The lime green fabric itched my arms; the scratchy wool reminding me I only had fifteen minutes before I needed to get back to work. The tar taste of stale coffee burned my tongue and I cringed.

  “Oh my gosh, how old is this?” I frowned down at the offending cup, bringing it to my nose once more.

  The smell alone should have told me to beware. But, my inability to see things for what they were… well, that seemed to be the problem of the day, the problem of this damn week. I placed the cup of coffee between my legs, rested my head back, and closed my eyes, allowing myself these few precious seconds to miss him. I missed his mouth and the way his beard felt under my fingers. I’d woken up that morning snuggled to his side, afraid to open my eyes because I hadn’t wanted the morning to end.

  We’d slept next to each other all night, and it was the first night I’d slept that soundly in a very long time. When he’d shifted and my eyes had opened, I noticed his whole body was no longer at peace, but instead, coiled tight. My anger boiled again as I remembered how he’d called out her name, Belle, baby, and I sat up from the sofa. The breakroom clock ticked loudly, and my short reprieve was almost done.

  Who was she? An ex? Someone he obviously still cared about. The space in my chest felt limited just thinking about it, and it only served to upset me further. I shouldn’t care, he obviously wasn’t ever going to let me in, so why torture myself? Why allow another man to trick me into wanting him just so I could get discarded again? My teeth pulled across my bottom lip, and my anxiety climbed. Ryan wasn’t like that, he wasn’t Adam, so maybe I’d been too quick to leave. Ryan had looked at me as if he was desperate to speak, as if his own words were holding him captive. His hesitation had hung in the air as he’d watched me leave. He was the tortured one. He was the one locked inside himself. His dark brown eyes tried so hard to hide from me, but that was the problem — I saw them. I saw him. He gave me just enough to keep me well fed on curiosity, and just enough space that I inevitably still felt alone. I wanted more for myself… for Beth.

  I stood and threw my coffee in the trash. I pulled my hair into a messy bun and stared at the wall. I’d wanted to ask him what was in that letter from Florida, but I’d been afraid to push him too much. It was apparent he had even more buried deep inside him. I hadn’t even had the chance to scratch the surface of who Ryan Hartford was, and at this point, all I wanted… was to not care.

  The breakroom door flew open, and Laurie’s laugh filled the room. “It’s only funny when you say it like that, Tate. Jesus.”

  Officer Tate Evan
s and Laurie, one of my work friends, locked eyes on me as they walked into the small room. “Maggie, you heading back to the floor?” Laurie gave me a worried look. She was the only one at work that knew about me… me as a whole person, not just the nurse, the single mom, or the girl who’d lost her parents. Besides Cornelia, she was the only other person I really had in my life, and they both knew all about my feelings for Ryan.

  “Yeah. I’ve only got an hour left of this hellish day, might as well go out with a bang.” I gave Laurie a half-hearted smile, and her frown deepened.

  “It’s good to see you, Maggie.” Tate’s always shy smile had a bit more confidence tonight as he appraised me.

  “Officer.” I nodded, and he grinned.

  “I’ve known you since we were kids, Maggie. You don’t need to call me officer.” He laughed.

  “True… but you’ve earned it. It has a nice ring to it, I think.”

  His smile pulled across his face as he gave me his full regard. Tate was one of those guys that was attractive, but didn’t know it. He was sort of a nerd in high school but grew into adulthood well. His dark brown hair was thick and always cut neat on the sides and left longer on the top. He wore it messy on purpose, and his chin was always dusted with a five o’clock shadow. He was well-built, and as his hazel eyes lingered an anxious ache developed in my stomach.

  “I’m going to grab a coffee. You want one, Tate?” Laurie gave me a knowing look and a smirk, and I wanted to punch her. But I’d settle for the look I was about to see on her face once she drank that nasty coffee. I internally smiled.

  “No, I’m good, thanks. I haven’t seen you around the diner this week? You and Beth doing all right out there on your own?”

  His question caught me off guard. “Um, yeah, thanks.” I gave him a small smile. “We’ve been busy planning Beth’s birthday party. It’s tomorrow.”

  “Oh shit! I almost forgot.” Laurie’s loud tone made me jump.

  “It’s fine. It’s at four. Can you still make it?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it. Tate, you should come, too.” Laurie smirked again, and I narrowed my eyes at her.

  “That would be great, but I work the late shift tomorrow.” The disappointment furrowed his brow.

  Laurie was really starting to irritate me. Tate was a nice guy, a good guy, but I’d never really spent much time with him since I’d moved back to Washington years ago. He was into me in high school, but I’d wanted out of this town and I’d made it a point not to have attachments back then on purpose. However, it was worse now, because… I was attached, attached to a man I shouldn’t want. I’d told Ryan to stay away, but deep down, in every fiber, in every fault line of my heart, I had wanted him to chase me that morning.

  “Bummer.” Laurie snickered and took a sip of her coffee.

  Her face was priceless as the sludge hit her lips. Laurie’s nose crinkled, and she grimaced as she swallowed down the black liquid. My lips formed a firm line as I tried not to laugh.

  “That bad, huh? Glad I passed.” Tate’s eyes slid back to mine.

  “Yes, it’s toxic,” she groaned and moved to the sink to dump out her cup.

  “Well, I’ll see you ladies around. Better get that DUI over to booking.” Tate’s lips curled up into a handsome smile as he nodded his chin at me. “See you later, Maggie.”

  Laurie waved over her shoulder as Tate left, and as soon as the door shut behind him, I took a deep breath. “What the hell, Laurie?”

  She turned, her eyes were wide with mock innocence. “Nothing. He’s hot as hell, Mags. I’m just trying to help.”

  “Don’t.” I attempted to leave, and she lightly grabbed my arm.

  “I just want to see you happy… for once, you… you and Beth deserve a little happy.” She watched me as I tried to hold back my tears. The salt water brimmed over my lashes with one traitorous drop, and as it trailed down my heated cheek, I forgave her.

  “We’re happy. I’m just—”

  “Lonely. Maggie, you’re lonely. Has he come by? Tried to call?” Laurie’s light green eyes flicked to mine, and she dropped her hand from my arm.

  I shook my head and it fell forward. I stared at the three spots of dried up mud on the white and green checkered linoleum floor.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  My head snapped up. “It’s only been a few days.”

  “You don’t know him, Mags.” I hated how she looked at me like she felt sorry for me.

  “You’re right. I don’t. But I know, in the short amount of time I’ve had with him, he made me feel more special than any guy I’ve ever been with.”

  “How special did you feel when you woke up to him shouting some other girl’s name?”

  “Fuck you.”

  She gasped. “Maggie?” Her brows creased, and I immediately regretted my severity. She pulled a piece of her red hair behind her ear, exposing her pale cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Laurie. This day… it’s been way too long. I want to go home, soak in a tub, and forget about men, and how no matter what I do, I pick all the winners.” I puffed out a laugh, and she smiled.

  “I deserved that verbal slap. I promise…” she held up three fingers, “…I will not meddle in your love life.”

  I giggled. “What’s with the finger pledge?”

  “It makes it more real… like a pinky promise.” She smirked.

  “Are we five?” I rolled my eyes.

  “I’m mentally immature. It’s cute.” She twirled a strand of her dark auburn hair and grinned.

  I laughed and shook my head. “We better head back out there, or Dr. Williams may blow a gasket.”

  She frowned. “You’re right.”

  “I usually am.”

  It wasn’t entirely the truth, though. My life was a series of miscalculations and fumbled attempts at love. Beth was my only sure thing. I smiled as I thought about tomorrow. She’d been so animated when I dropped her off at Cornelia’s today. Beth had rambled on about her decorations – Captain America. She was happy, blissfully innocent. I cinched the bun in my hair and decided to focus on her for the rest of my shift, instead of the damn apple pie I'd made for tomorrow that was sitting hopeful in my fridge.

  The red, white, and blue streamers were a nice touch. I was grateful to Cornelia for driving thirty minutes out of her way to stop at the party supply store in the next town over. Small, shiny, plastic Captain America shields hung from the paper ribbons, and the navy blue table cloth was covered in Marvel stickers and foil stars to match the color scheme.

  The party had wound down. Tony and a few of my friends from work, including Laurie, had left already. I chose to ignore the pie that was sitting on my stove, baked, undisturbed, and alone, in tribute to what could have been. I exhaled a sad breath and took in the mess I’d have to clean up once Cornelia left. The girls Beth invited had gone home about twenty minutes ago, and their plates covered with little pools of vanilla ice cream and half eaten chocolate cake were still strewn across my kitchen table. Beth’s lips were tinted blue from the icing of her cake, her cheeks were red, and her eyes were tired as she opened up her last present.

  Cornelia and I had made her a quilt out of all her baby blankets. Beth’s smile grew, and the corners of her lips spread impossibly wide. “Happy Birthday, Honey Bee.”

  “Those were all your blankets when you were just a peanut, Bee.” Cornelia’s voice was thick with sentiment, and it made my eyes prick with tears as well. Seven. Seven years with her. I really was blessed.

  “I wasn’t a peanut.” Beth snickered and I laughed. She was such a concrete thinker, just like… I didn’t want to think it, but the older she got, it was hard not to see Adam in her every now and then.

  “You were. Six pounds and four ounces and just seventeen inches long.” I pushed off the wall and walked over to where she was sitting. “You were perfect.” I leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

  I was just beginning to gather up all the torn pieces of wrapping paper that had
been shredded and thrown across the carpet when a light knock sounded on the door. Cornelia looked at me, and I shrugged. “Someone probably forgot something.” I gave a quick glance around the room as I headed to see who it was.

  Soft brown eyes met mine as I opened the front door, and the scent, his scent, of cotton and soap spilled across the threshold.

  “Am I too late?”

  He wasn’t just asking about the party. Ryan ran his hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. His anxious eyes locked on mine, and they were open… he was ready.

  “Maybe.” Each breath came faster than the next as he stepped closer.

  “Tony gave me directions and… I’m…” He lifted his hand, and I wanted him to touch my face. I’d missed the rough sensation of his fingertips, but he paused and my heart dropped into my stomach. His hand fell to his side, and I noticed he was holding a gift bag with The Hulk on it in his other hand. “I wanted to give her this.” Ryan smiled as he held up the bag.

  “Thank you. She’ll love it, especially the bag.”

  “The Hulk. I think she said he was her favorite.” He chuckled.

  I nodded with a half grin. “Yeah, she’s sort of a fangirl for the Captain at the moment, but Hulk is her all-time favorite.”

  He watched me quietly, waiting for me to make a choice, waiting for me to say it was okay for him to come in. “Ryan, I—”

  “I’m sorry, Maggie. I shouldn’t have—”

  “Who is it, Mom?” Beth’s voice broke through our private bubble, and I sighed.

  I stepped to the side and pushed the door open fully. “Come on in.” I swallowed as he stepped into my home. He’d never been here before, and letting him in — it felt right.

  He was a mighty wave, and I was the fragile sandy shore being pulled into his depths.

  Maggie’s house smelled like cinnamon and sugar, and as I stepped into her living room a flood of nostalgia settled over me. The birthday decorations, that particular scent… all of it almost had me stepping back into time, but I held tight to the present. And as I moved past Maggie, I deliberately let my hand graze hers. I’d missed her skin, and I’d spent the better part of the past few days trying to remember how it had felt. The light touch sent a shock up my arm and was enough to prove my memory did her no justice. I’d fought with myself time and time again. I was stuck between guilt and need. What I wanted had never been important to me, not anymore… not after Belle. I’d vacillated so many times tonight, keys in hand, coming here. It was the first battle I’d won in a very long time, and as I walked into her home, I was glad I decided to fight.