Girl in Luv

by Rebecca Yarros

  He’d left. Last night, he’d…

  I shook my head, refusing to even think about last night. Then I dropped to my knees and picked up everything I’d thrown in my search. I was packed in five minutes, until I stood face-to-face with his tux.

  He’d taken my money.

  My body.

  My heart.

  All of which, I’d given him freely.

  But he’d left behind the tux like it was a rental, when really, it was me who was obviously the rental.

  I’d paid him for the week, and yet somehow, I felt like the whore.

  He hadn’t even said goodbye.

  I left the tux just like he’d left me, draped prettily on the furniture, clueless that its use had been outlived. Damn, I was a great judge of character, not that I hadn’t gotten exactly what I’d asked him for that first night. Hell, I’d even gotten a few orgasms as a bonus.

  My clutch went into the front pocket of the suitcase. My phone slid into the back pocket of my shorts. And the cufflinks? Those could stay right where they were, just like every memory of Iker. I’d walk out of this hotel suite and leave him behind me. My friends had flings all the time, and they got away unscathed. I could too.

  Then I saw it, the little pile of hotel-sized notepaper, sitting there at the head of the table. My legs carried me the distance, my hands reached for the stack, and my brain tried desperately to keep up.

  When I saw his handwriting scrawled across the paper, I sank into the chair.

  Langley,

  I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes, trying to figure out what to say. When it comes down to it, there’s nothing I can give you but the truth.

  Right now, you’re asleep in that bed, naked, and warm, and so damned soft. All I want is to climb back in next to you and stay. Langley, despite all the odds, all I want is to stay. I hope you believe that. This week—last night. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget you.

  You’re nothing I expected, nothing I wanted, and everything I needed. You walked into that bar in a dress that would stop traffic, and instead, you spun my world off its axis.

  I knew what I wanted before you walked in. I wanted to get Gael through school. I wanted to steer clear of any emotional attachments. I wanted to have a clear mind to lead and care for the soldiers in my squad. I wanted to be dependable and rock steady.

  You took care of number one—Gael. It’s not your fault, but you kind of fucked the rest of that list for me.

  I got attached—to you.

  My mind isn’t clear—it’s cluttered with thoughts of you.

  I’m about to walk out this door, which means dependable is gone.

  My hands aren’t steady—they keep reaching for you. And now I’m worried they’ll keep reaching from half a world away.

  I’m leaving today. I’m about to be deployed.

  I didn’t tell you at first because I figured you never needed to know. We both had a clearly defined expiration date. You needed someone to get you through the wedding, it was never supposed to be more than that. But then it was.

  It was you and your eyes. Your kiss in the hallway at your dad’s. Your bare feet on the swing. Your stupid cold soup. Your laugh. Your class in the face of utter bullshit. It was walking through your world and realizing that while I grew up watching for people with real knives, you grew up watching for people carrying proverbial ones to stick in your back. I think I got the better end of that bargain—at least I can see them coming.

  Something about us was different. This entire week was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.

  I needed to tell you I was leaving, but I couldn’t. Because, I saw past the labels and the money and you...you’re worth more than all of it.

  And I knew if I told you that I’m leaving for Afghanistan, you’d do exactly what you shouldn’t. You’d wait for me.

  Admit it, that’s what you’re thinking right now. Because that’s who you are. You’re loyal. You’re kind. You hold onto things—to people—who are long gone. I cannot be someone you hold onto, because I can’t do the same. Not because I don’t want to, but because the distraction of missing you will compromise the lives I’m in charge of. And let’s be honest, you don’t belong in my world any more than I belong in yours. Yours would suffocate me, and mine would ruin you.

  Call this what it is. What it was. An eclipse. A comet. Whatever. Something raw and rare that only comes around once in a lifetime that changes you—and then leaves.

  You deserve freedom. Space. Time. Everything you could need to figure out who you are when you’re not trying to be everyone you’ve been told you’re supposed to be. You can’t do that holding onto me. I won’t be your garden swing.

  I’m not going to lie. I hate your world. I hate that the gold here is really just plate, and when you scratch the surface, all the ugly is revealed. At least where I come from, people are real. I hate insults disguised as compliments. I loathe people who can’t stay faithful and view sex as a tool for power or revenge. I’m disgusted by the casual cruelty that’s so commonplace you’ve learned at such a young age that a $5,000 tuxedo should provide sufficient armor from your enemies. And yes, I looked up the cost of the armor you gave me.

  But you... You’re none of that. You’re twenty-four karat to your soul, and no scratch will change that. You somehow survived swimming with the piranhas without becoming a shark. You gave me your body, your trust, and your honesty, and here I am, walking out while you’re sleeping.

  It’s okay to hate me. It would be easier if you did.

  God knows I already hate myself.

  I’m going to do everything I can to put you out of my mind and I hope you do the same. I’m nothing if not a survivalist.

  But when I sleep, in those moments when I lose control of my thoughts, I know I’ll be here again, sitting at this table. In my nightmares, I’ll walk out the door, just like I’m about to do.

  In my dreams, I’ll still be in that bed with you.

  ~ Iker

  My thumb caressed his blurred signature.

  That noble, self-sacrificing, heart-stealing asshole.

  He was deploying to a war zone. The man was literally going to war and hadn’t told me, protecting me once again. Hadn’t let me kiss him goodbye. Hadn’t wanted me as a distraction—not that I blamed him.

  My tears came quick and hard, until my chest shook with heaving sobs. I thought I’d known heartbreak. Turns out, I hadn’t. I’d known disappointment and disillusionment, but not heartbreak. This gaping hole in my chest, the pain that forced its way out of my throat in a mournful cry, the simultaneous need to both run after Iker and tell him to fuck off...this was heartbreak.

  Because somewhere in the last seven days, I’d fallen in love with him. And it wasn’t the polite kind. Wasn’t the society-approved kind. The cotillion-educated, well-bred, power-couple kind.

  This was messy, and painful, and so much better because it was real. He was right. My world would either smother him or transform him—neither of which I could abide. His? He’d never shared enough of it with me to even answer how I could or couldn’t adapt. So, he’d taken that decision away from me because he knew in his heart what my reaction would be. I’d wait for him, no matter how long it took.

  We were misfits. We were the puzzle that took hours to put together only to realize there was a missing piece. We were the chipped wine glass, the knock-off designer purse, the misplaced cufflinks, the misspelled word in the final exam essay. We were so close to being...perfect, but couldn’t make it past the test.

  I gathered Iker’s letter and the room keys in one hand, and tugged my suitcase behind me as I left the suite, closing the door with a soft click.

  He was right. We were like a comet, bright and rare—and just out of reach of those who wanted to touch it.

  And now we were done. I’d never see those beautiful, deep, dark eyes again, either because of his choice, or fate’s. Nothing was certain in war. Panic swelled in my throat, and I muffled a
nother sob with my fist.

  I blinked, spun, and used the key to open the door. Within steps, I had the cufflinks in my hand. These, I would take. I would keep them to prove I’d held him, even if just for a few days.

  But the rest...I would leave.

  This time, as I exited the suite, I left the keys on the table just as he had, so I wouldn’t be tempted to come back again. He’d decided to sever our connection, and left me without the respect of getting to choose or even having a say. Guess, in the end, he was just another guy preaching in a one-sided conversation, who expected me to listen and learn.

  Ahh, there it was—the disappointment. The disillusionment.

  I gave myself over to the loss, the emotions, the complete devastation, so I could remember this feeling, because I’d never put myself in the position to let it happen again. Then I closed the door and locked my heart, all in the same turn of a handle.

  Iker

  I squinted against the glare of the sun and watched dispassionately as a line of soldiers in front of me loaded solemnly onto the bus waiting to take them to Peterson Air Force base. The atmosphere was heavy and serious, or at least it felt that way to me.

  This was far from my first rodeo, but some of these guys were still kids, barely out of high school and had no idea just how drastically their lives were about to change. How their perception of war and the world we lived in was going to be forever altered. A few of these guys were the same age as Gael, and it reaffirmed my decision to do whatever I had to do to make sure I was the only Alvarez in our family putting his neck on the line.

  I never wanted Gael to see the things I’d witnessed or know what it was like to have to fold a flag for someone’s wife, someone’s father. I didn’t want him to have to bury his friends, or kill his enemies, or to be in a situation where he knew he was going to end up leaving behind the people he loved. If Gael was lucky enough to find a girl who shook him to his entire core and turned his world upside down in the span of a few seconds, I wanted him to be able to hold onto her, to get the chance to love her the way she deserved.

  “Hey, Alvarez.” My spine snapped straight when a hand landed on my shoulder and gave me a little shake. I looked over at another Staff Sergeant in my platoon, Nolan McGowen. We’d pinned rank the same day, and he was one of the few soldiers at Carson I’d gotten close to while I was stationed here. “I’ve been calling your name for five minutes. Where’s your head at?”

  It was in a ritzy hotel room with a pretty blonde I probably wasn’t ever going to see again. I’d been so busy since the sun came up, I thought I was doing a decent job hiding how distracted I was today. Apparently not.

  “Just running through my checklist. This last week was a little crazy and I feel like I’m forgetting something.” I knew exactly what that something, or rather someone, was, but I wasn’t about to pour my heart out when I knew McGowan was a newlywed who was facing being separated from his new wife for the first time. And it wasn’t that I was forgetting—I was distracted because I couldn’t forget. I knew none of us had it easy, and my story wasn’t one that was unique. I was far from the first soldier to walk away to avoid heartbreak, mine and hers, down the line. I had an entire country’s safety and security that came before my fleeting happiness.

  “Time to get your game face on. Gotta lead these kids through the gates of hell and bring them all back.” My shoulder was squeezed again as I nodded in agreement.

  I was getting ready to ask if his guys and their bus was ready to go when my phone beeped with an incoming text message. Today was the last day the thing would be active until I returned stateside in nine months. Figuring it was my brother, I pulled it out of my pocket and nearly dropped the device on the ground when I saw Langley’s name on the screen. She was the last person I thought I was going to hear from after the way I’d bailed on her, but as always, the girl was full of surprises.

  Her message was short and sweet.

  Langley: I’m really mad at you, but I still want you to stay safe. Take care of yourself, Iker.

  A moment later, another text flashed across the screen, stealing my breath and making my heart hurt.

  Langley: I’m not sure you’ll see these messages, but I want you to know that until yesterday morning, this was the best week of my life. Thank you.

  My thumbs itched to respond, to tell her the week had fundamentally changed me, that it had opened my eyes to what love could be really be like if you were willing to fight for it, to work at it. I wanted one last chance to remind her how incredibly special she was.

  Instead, I powered the phone off and put it back in my pocket.

  Now was not the time for me to think about being a boy in love as I was about to cross the threshold into a war zone.

  No, right now, I had soldiers counting on me to make sharp, clear decisions. They were counting on me to keep them alive, and that responsibility had to come first. Love and war. Two powerful yet complicated beasts. How sad was it that I only had a grasp on how to deal with one and not the other? War was second nature. Love, however, was scary enough to send me running. I knew how badly war could hurt, but I was terrified of the way love might wound me.

  Shoving down any lingering regret and remorse I had so deep inside of me I could feel it settle into my bones, I nodded at McGowan and walked toward the bus, leaving the fantasy and fairytale of the last week far behind. I was a soldier, first and foremost, not Prince Charming.

  No matter how badly I wanted to play that role for Langley.

  The End… for now!

  Part II coming soon.

  If you enjoyed Girl in Luv, be sure to preorder Justified by Jay Crownover. It releases in June and a preorder is the only way to get Part Two of Langley and Iker’s love story.

  The first three hundred readers who order a paperback copy of Justified and fill out the preorder form coming in April, are eligible for a signed/personalized copy of Boy in Luv (offer open internationally). Boy in Luv will be sent out to readers in late July.

  All preorders, e-book, Audible, paperback... are eligible for a digital, e-book download as long as the form is filled out and proof of purchase is provided. This is a great deal! Technically, participants get three books for the price of one. You get Justified, the novella at the end of Justified, and a copy of Boy in Luv!

  Amazon: http://bit.ly/JustifiedAMZ

  Goodreads: http://bit.ly/justifiedGR

  First and foremost, I want to thank Rebecca. Thanks for agreeing to write a book with me. For helping me push it at readers. For dealing with my bossy, nitpicky personality. (I’m that way always, but when I work…oof…I wouldn’t want to deal with me AT ALL… lol) Thanks for answering a million questions about military life in the middle of the night so Iker could be as authentic a hero as possible. Thanks for being the best neighbor and friend a gal could ask for. You’re awesome…I mean it. One day, you’ll believe me when I tell you that.

  I love my editor, Elaine York. I love how she makes each book I send her better, and forces me to think harder, longer, deeper about each story we work on together. She’s the best. She also makes the guts of my books really pretty, so she’s basically my secret weapon!

  Thank you to Jenn Wood for digging in and copyediting GIL! Sorry I’m the world’s worst at writing run-on sentences. I’d say it’s part of my charm, but really, I know it is just annoying...lol.

  Also, thank you to Mayhem Cover Creations for making the outside of the book as beautiful as the inside.

  Shout out to my team, Mel, Stacey, and KP. Girls rule the world and none of these words would be in your hands without these wonderful women I get to work with day in and day out.

  Lastly, the biggest thanks goes out to the readers who pre-ordered The Last Letter and Justified so they could experience this co-writing journey with Rebecca and me in real time. Thank you for trusting us to give you a great story. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your excitement…thank you for reading! YOU ARE AMAZING… Just wait until book two!!!!<
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  Acknowledgments, take two:

  First up, thank you to Jason for being the soldier I met in a bar nineteen years ago. You still get me, baby.

  Next, and bigger thanks, goes to Jay, not just for the sheer amazingness of you writing this with me, but for suggesting it in the first place. For putting your name next to mine. For giving me a safe, quiet space whenever I needed it. For answering every time I call even though you hate the phone. For driving the minivan when necessary and never forgetting a kid at cross-country practice while pulling off your best nanny impression. For showing up time and again and making me do the same. For being the wolf to my rabbit, and the tough love when I’ve had it with the universe. Secret’s out, lady. You’re a pineapple. Also, I’m not saying that I haven’t forgiven you for the K-pop docu-drama experience of 2018, but I am saying you may have forfeited all movie choices for the next five years.

  Thank you to my kids, who managed to break only one bone between the six of you while I wrote this with Jay. I really appreciate the decreased time at the orthopedist, so let’s keep that up, shall we? In all honesty, you are the best of me and teach me far more than I could ever hope to teach you.

  Elaine, thank you for editing this for us and making sense out of our little co-written baby! Jenn, thank you for copyediting and not mocking me for my love affair with commas. LJ, I adore our cover, and every other one you’ve done for me! KP, I can’t decide if you’re the luckiest publicist ever because you have both of us...or if I should send you cases of wine to deal with our shenanary. You are amazing, not just for what you do, but for the class with which you do it. Shelby, thank you for chasing my squirrels. I’d promise you to keep them under control, but we both know that would be a lie. Here’s to the military guys we love.