by Jeff Kinney
wasn’t interested in conversation, but that didn’t
work out so good, either.
132
hey, greg, where’d
you get those
cool shades?
patrons
must
shower
before
entering
pool
Seriously, I wish those guys would just take a
shower at home before they came to the pool.
Because once you see somebody like that, you can
never look at them the same way again.
mind if i
borrow
this chair
for a sec?
squirt
133
After I got past the locker room, things didn’t
get a whole lot better. The scene was just about
how I remembered it, except more crowded. I
guess everyone had the same idea to spend the
Fourth at the pool.
The only time the pool cleared out was when the
lifeguard called a fifteen-minute rest break and all
the kids had to get out of the water.
I think the idea behind rest breaks is to give
adults a little time to enjoy the pool, but I don’t
know how they’re supposed to relax with three
hundred kids waiting for the break to be over.
134
When I was younger I used to just go swim in
the baby pool during the fifteen-minute rest
break, but that was before I knew what went
on in there.
Mama, I’m
Peeing!
The only area of the pool that wasn't a complete
madhouse was the deep end, and that's where the
diving boards are. I haven't been in the deep end
since I was eight years old, when Rodrick talked
me into jumping off the high dive.
135
Rodrick was always trying to get me to jump off
the high dive, but that tall ladder really scared
me. He told me I needed to conquer my fears or
I’d never become a man.
Then one day Rodrick told me that there was a
clown at the top of the diving board who was
handing out free toys, and that got my attention.
But by the time I realized Rodrick was full of
baloney, it was too late.
136
Go!
Shove
Anyway, today Mom got everyone together to go
to the picnic area because they were giving out
free watermelon.
But I’ve got a fear of watermelon, too. Rodrick
is always telling me that if you eat the seeds,
then a watermelon will grow in your stomach.
chips
137
I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not, but
school’s only a couple of months away, so I’m not
willing to take the risk.
When it started getting dark, everyone put their
blankets out on the lawn to watch the fireworks
display. We sat staring up at the sky for a long
time, but nothing was happening.
Then someone came on the loudspeaker and said
that the show was canceled because someone left
the fireworks out in the rain last night and they
got soaked. Some little kids started to cry, so a
couple of grown-ups tried to create their own
fireworks show.
138
Luckily, the fireworks display at the country club
down the road started right about then. It was a
little hard to see over the trees, but at that point
I don’t think anyone really cared.
ooooooooooh!
aaaaaaaaah!
139
Tuesday
This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table
flipping through the comics, and I came across
something that almost made me spit out my cereal.
It was a two-page back-to-school ad, right where
any kid could see it.
back to school
Blowout Sale!
Save on: slacks, v-neck sweaters,
dungarees, pleated skirts, vests, and
much, much more!
only at mortie’s!
All Items
50%
OFF
I can’t believe it’s actually legal to run a
back-to-school ad two months before school
starts. Anyone who would do that kind of thing
must really not like kids.
140
I’m sure back-to-school ads are gonna start
popping up all over the place now, and the next
thing you know, Mom is gonna be telling me it’s
time to go clothes shopping. And with Mom,
that’s an all-day affair.
These saddle
shoes are
on sale!
changi
room
So I asked Mom if Dad could take me clothes
shopping instead, and she said yes. I think
she saw it as some kind of father-son bonding
opportunity.
But I told Dad he could just go without me and
pick out whatever he wanted.
141
Well, that was a dumb move, because Dad did
all of his shopping at the pharmacy.
Assorted
shirts
3/$5
laxatives
snoring remedies
I
puppies
Before I saw that ad, my day was bad enough
already. It rained again this morning, so Sweetie
tried to get under the covers with me after Dad
took him out.
I guess I must’ve been a little off my game,
because the dog found a gap between the blanket
and the bed and managed to get through.
And let me tell you, there’s nothing more terrifying
than being trapped under your covers wearing nothing
but underwear with a wet dog crawling all over you.
142
shrieeekk!
wriggle
squirm
I was stewing about the dog and that back-to-
school ad when my whole day turned around. Mom
had printed out some pictures from the Fourth,
and she left them lying on the kitchen table.
In one of the pictures you could see a lifeguard in
the background. It was a little hard to tell, but
I'm pretty sure the lifeguard was Heather Hills.
143
It was so crowded at the pool yesterday that I
didn’t even notice the lifeguards. And if that really
WAs Heather Hills, I can’t believe I missed her.
Heather Hills is the sister of Holly Hills, who is one
of the cutest girls in my class. But Heather’s in
HIGH school, which is a whole different league
than middle school.
Holly
hills
Heather
hills
This Heather Hills thing is changing my whole
perspective on the town pool. In fact, I’m
starting to rethink my whole summeR. The dog
has ruined all the fun of being at home, and I
realized that if I don’t do something quick, I
won’t have anything good to say about my vacation.
144
Bark
bark
bark
Bark
bark
bark
So starting tomorrow I’m gonna have a whole new
attitude. A
nd hopefully by the time I get back
to school, I’ll have a high school girlfriend, too.
Wednesday
Mom was really happy I was willing to go to the
pool with her and Manny today, and she said she
was proud I was finally putting my family in
front of video games. I didn’t mention Heather
Hills to Mom, because I don’t need her getting in
the middle of my love life.
Town
pool
145
When we got there, I wanted to go straight to
the pool area and see if Heather was on duty. But
then I realized I'd better be prepared in case
she was.
So I made a pit stop in the bathroom and lathered
myself in suntan oil. Then I did a bunch of push-ups
and sit-ups to really make my muscles pop.
I was probably in there for about fifteen minutes. I
was checking myself out in the mirror when I heard
someone in a stall clear his throat.
Ahem.
146
Well, that was pretty embarrassing, because it
meant whoever was in there could see me flexing in
front of the mirror the whole time. And if that
person was anything like me, he couldn’t go to
the bathroom until he had complete privacy.
I figured the person in the stall couldn’t see my
face, so at least he didn’t know who I was. I
was just about to slip out of the bathroom when
I heard Mom at the front of the locker room.
Greg? gregory
heffley? are
You still in
there?
Mom wanted to know what took me so long and
why I looked so “shiny,” but I was already
looking past her and scanning the lifeguard
stands to see if Heather Hills was on deck.
147
And sure enough, she was. I went right over to
her and parked myself underneath her chair.
Every once in a while I’d say something witty,
and I think I was definitely impressing her.
I’d get Heather a new cup of water whenever it
looked like she needed a refill, and every time some
kid would do something wrong, I’d speak up so
Heather didn’t have to.
does mrs. arciaga
really think it’s a
good idea to wear a
bikini when she’s
eight months
pregnant?
148
Whenever Heather’s shift ended, I’d follow her to
her next station. Every fourth time, I’d end up
in front of where Mom was sitting. And let me
tell you, it’s not easy to be smooth when your
mother is sitting five feet away.
waalllkk!
do you want me to
get you something
from the snack bar,
honey bunches?
149
I just hope Heather knows that I would do
ANYtHING for her. If she wants someone to
put suntan lotion on her back or towel her off
after she takes a dip in the pool, I’m the man
for the job.
I basically hung out with Heather until it was
time to go. On my way home I was thinking
that if the rest of my vacation goes like today,
this WIll be the best summer ever, just like
Mom predicted. In fact, the only thing that
can ruin things now is that stupid muddy hand.
I’m sure it’ll show up at the exact wrong moment
and spoil everything.
Greg heffley, do you
take heather hills to
be your lawfully
wedded wife?
Tap
Tap
150
Wednesday
I’ve been hanging out with Heather every single
day for the past week.
I realized my friends at school will never believe
it when I tell them about me and Heather, so I
asked Mom to take a picture of me standing next
to the lifeguard chair.
Mom didn’t have her camera, so she had to use her
cell phone. But she couldn’t figure out how to take
a picture with it, and I ended up standing there
for a long time looking like a fool.
press… the
little…
green…
button!
151
I finally got Mom to press the right button to
take a picture, but when she did, the camera was
pointed the wrong way and she took a picture of
herself. See, this is why I always say that
technology is wasted on grown-ups.
I got Mom to point the camera at me, but right at
that moment her phone rang and she answered it.
Hello? barbara? Is
that really you?
Mom talked for about five minutes, and by the
time she was done, Heather was on to her next
shift. But that didn’t stop Mom from taking the
picture anyway.
152
snap
Friday
Relying on Mom for my ride to the pool is starting
to become a problem. Mom doesn’t want to go to
the pool every day, and when she Does go, she
only stays a few hours.
I like to be at the pool from the time it opens
until the time it closes so I can maximize my
time with Heather. I wasn’t about to ask
Rodrick to drive me to the pool in his van
because he always makes me sit in the back, and
there are no seats.
I realized I need my own transportation,
and luckily I found a solution yesterday.
153
One of our neighbors left a bike out by the curb,
and I took it before anyone else could.
I rode the bike home and parked it in the
garage. When Dad saw it, he said it was a “girl
bike” and I should get rid of it.
free
bike
But I’ll tell you at least two reasons a girl bike is
better than a boy bike. Number one, girl bikes have
big, cushiony seats, and that’s really important
when you’re riding in your bathing suit.
girl seat
boy seat
154
And number two, girl bikes have those baskets on
the handlebars, which are good for carrying your
video games and suntan lotion. Plus, my bike came
with a bell, and that ReAllY comes in handy.
move along,
people!
ring
ring
Monday
I guess I should’ve known that a bike that
was left out with the trash wasn’t gonna last
very long.
I was riding home from the pool yesterday, and
the bike started getting all wobbly. Then the
front wheel popped right off. So today I had
to ask Mom for a ride to the pool.
155
When we got there, Mom said I had to take
Manny with me through the locker room. She said
he’s getting too old to go through the women’s
locker room with her, so I guess they must have
the same shower situation in there as they do in
the men’s locker room.
town
pool
It should’ve taken about five seconds to get
&nb
sp; Manny from one end of the locker room to the
other, but it took about ten minutes instead.
Manny goes everywhere with Mom, so he had
never actually BeeN in a men’s bathroom before.
He was really curious and wanted to check everything
out. At one point I had to stop him from washing
his hands in the urinal because I guess he thought
it was a sink.
156
scrub
scrub
I didn’t want Manny to have to walk through
the shower area and see the things I’ve seen. So
I got a towel out of my bag and was gonna put
it over Manny’s eyes when we walked past the
shower guys. But in the two seconds it took me to
get my towel, Manny was gone. And you’ll never
believe where he went.
I knew I had to rescue Manny, so I closed my
eyes as tight as I could and went in to save him.
157
I was really nervous about touching one of the
shower guys, and for a second there I thought
I did.
shriek!
I had to open my eyes to find Manny, and then I
grabbed him and got out as fast as I could.
When we got to the other side, Manny seemed
fine, but I don't think I’ll ever totally recover
from that experience.
men
gasp
158
I kind of staggered over to my spot underneath
Heather’s lifeguard chair. Then I started taking
deep breaths to calm myself down.
Five minutes later some kid who must’ve eaten too
much ice cream threw up behind Heather’s chair.
Heather looked behind her, and then she looked
down like she was waiting for me to do something.
I guess the noble thing to do was to clean up the
mess for Heather, but this was really beyond the
call of duty.
Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and
I’ve realized that I need to let this summer romance
cool off a little.
159
Plus, Heather’s going off to college next year, and
those long-distance relationships never really seem