by Jeff Kinney
to work out.
August
Tuesday
We ran into the Jeffersons at the supermarket
today. Me and Rowley haven’t spoken to each
other in over a month, so it was kind of awkward.
160
Mrs. Jefferson said they were buying groceries
for their trip to the beach next week. That kind
of irritated me because that’s where my family
was supposed to go this summer. But then Mrs.
Jefferson said something that really threw me
for a loop.
how would
gregory like
to join us?
Mr. Jefferson didn’t look too thrilled with that
idea, but before he could speak up Mom chimed in.
why, gregory would
love to!
Something about the whole incident seemed a little
fishy to me. I’m kind of wondering if it was a
setup, with Mom and Mrs. Jefferson conspiring to
get me and Rowley back together.
Believe me, Rowley’s the last person I want
to spend a week with. But then I realized if I
went to the beach with the Jeffersons, I’d get
to ride the Cranium Shaker. So maybe my summer
won’t be such a bust after all.
Monday
I knew I made a mistake coming on this beach
trip when I saw where we were staying.
quiet
cove
My family always rents a condo in the high-rises
right near the boardwalk, but the place where the
Jeffersons are staying is a log cabin about five
miles from the beach. We went inside the cabin,
and there was no tv or computer or anything
with a screen on it.
I asked what we were supposed to do for
entertainment, and Mrs. Jefferson said —
you could
read a book!
163
I thought that was a good one, and I was
about to tell Rowley his mom was pretty funny.
But she came back a second later with a bunch of
reading material.
So that just confirmed Mom was in on this
plan from the beginning.
All three Jeffersons read their books right up
until it was time to eat. Dinner was ok, but
dessert was awful. Mrs. Jefferson is one of
those moms who sneaks healthy food into your
snacks, and her brownies were full of spinach.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to grind up vegetables
and put them in kids’ desserts, because then they
don’t know what the real thing is supposed to
taste like.
Plants
164
The first time Rowley had a regular brownie was
at my house, and believe me, it wasn’t pretty.
fpoo!
After dinner Mrs. Jefferson called us all into the
living room to play games. I was hoping we were
gonna play something normal like cards, but the
Jeffersons have their own idea of fun.
The Jeffersons played a game called “I Love You
Because,” and when it was my turn, I passed.
i love you because
you’re silly and
you make me laugh!
Then we played charades, and when it was Rowley’s
turn, he was a dog.
a cute,
adorable
boy?
an awesome,
friendly kid?
ruff
ruff
ruff!
At about 9:00 Mr. Jefferson told us it was time
for bed. That’s when I found out the sleeping
situation at the Jeffersons’ cabin was worse than
the entertainment situation.
166
There was only one bed, so I told Rowley we could
make a deal: We’d flip a coin, and one guy would get
the bed and the other would sleep on the floor.
But Rowley took a look at the crusty shag carpet
and decided he didn’t want to risk it. I decided I
wasn’t willing to sleep on the floor, either. So I
got into bed with Rowley and just stayed as far
away from him as possible.
zzzzzzz
Rowley started snoring right away, but I was
having trouble falling asleep with half my body
hanging off the bed. I was finally starting to
drift off when Rowley let out a scream like he was
being attacked.
167
For a second there I thought the muddy hand
had finally caught up with us.
scream!
Rowley’s parents came running in to see what
happened.
pant,
pant
Rowley said he had a nightmare that there was a
chicken hiding underneath him.
168
So Rowley’s parents spent the next twenty minutes
trying to calm him down and telling him it was just
a bad dream and there really was no chicken.
(sniff)
really?
Nobody bothered to check on how I was doing
after falling off the bed onto my face.
Rowley spent the rest of the night sleeping in his
parent’ room, which was fine with me. Because
without Rowley and his chicken dreams to keep me
awake, I was able to get a good night’s sleep.
Wednesday
I’ve been stuck inside this cabin for three days
now, and I’m really starting to lose my mind.
169
I’ve been trying to get Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson
to take us to the boardwalk, but they say it’s too
“noisy” there.
I’ve never gone this long without tv or computers
or video games, and I’m starting to feel kind of
desperate. When Mr. Jefferson works late at night
on his laptop, I sneak downstairs and watch him
just to get a glimpse of the outside world.
tap
tap
I’ve tried to get Mr. Jefferson to let me use
his laptop a couple of times, but he says it’s his
“work computer” and he doesn’t want me to mess
anything up. Last night I was at my breaking
point, so I did something a little risky.
170
When Mr. Jefferson got up to use the bathroom,
I jumped at my chance.
I rattled off an e-mail to Mom as quick as I
could, then ran upstairs and got into bed.
TO: Heffley, Susan
SUBJECT: SOS
HELP HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE THESE
PEOPLE ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY
Tappity
tap
tap
When I came downstairs for breakfast this morning,
Mr. Jefferson didn’t look too happy to see me.
171
It turns out that I sent that e-mail from Mr.
Jefferson’s work account, and Mom answered back.
TO: Jefferson, Robert
SUBJECT: RE: SOS
Family vacations can be a challenge!
Is Gregory not behaving himself?
- Susan
I thought Mr. Jefferson was gonna really let me
have it, but he didn’t say anything at all. Then
Mrs. Jefferson said maybe we could go to the
boardwalk later on this afternoon and spend an
hour or two there.
Well, that’s all I was ever asking for. A few
&nbs
p; hours is all I really need.
172
If I can just ride the Cranium Shaker once, I’ll
feel like this trip wasn’t a total waste of time.
Friday
I’m back home from the beach two days early, and
if you wanna know the reason why, it’s kind of a
long story.
The Jeffersons took me and Rowley to the
boardwalk yesterday afternoon. I wanted to go
on the Cranium Shaker right away, but the line
was too long, so we decided to get some food and
come back later.
We got some ice cream, but Mrs. Jefferson only
ordered one cone for the four of us to share.
want a
lick?
173
Mom gave me thirty dollars to spend at the
beach, and I blew twenty of it on this one
carnival game.
I was trying to win a giant stuffed caterpillar,
but I think they have those games rigged so
you can't succeed.
jumbo
mini
doink
toss
3 rings
for a
dollar
Rowley watched me blow my twenty dollars, and
then he asked his dad to buy him the exact
same giant caterpillar at a shop next door. And
the thing that really stinks is that it only cost
him ten bucks.
174
yaaay!
I think Mr. Jefferson is making a big mistake
with a move like that. Now Rowley feels like a
winner even though he isn’t.
I’ve had my own experience with that sort of
thing. Last year when I was on the swim team,
they had this special swim meet I got invited to
on a Sunday.
champions swim meet
When I showed up, I realized none of the
GooD swimmers were there. It was only the
kids who had never won a ribbon before.
At first I was pretty happy, because I thought
I might actually WIN something for once.
I still didn’t do well, though. My event was the
100-meter freestyle, and I got so pooped that
I had to WAlk the last lap.
wheeze!
splash
sploosh
But the judges didn’t disqualify me. And at the
end of the night, I got a first-place ribbon,
which my parents handed to me.
176
In fact, everyone walked away with first-place
ribbons, even Tommy Lam, who got turned around in
the backstroke and swam the wrong way.
you are
a
winner
to us!
When I got home, I was confused. But then
Rodrick saw me with my first-place Champions
ribbon, and he gave me the scoop.
Rodrick told me the Champions meet is just a
scam put on by parents to make their kids feel
like winners.
177
I guess parents think they’re doing their kids a
favor by going through with all that, but if you
ask me, I think it just causes more problems down
the road.
I remember when I used to be on the tee-ball
team and everyone would cheer even when I struck
out. Then the next year, in junior baseball, all my
teammates and the other parents would boo me off
the field if I dropped a pop fly or something.
All I’m saying is, if Rowley’s parents wanna make
him feel good about himself, they can’t do it now
when he’s a kid and then walk away. They’ve gotta
stick with him all the way through.
good job,
rowley!
reaaally?
178
After the caterpillar thing we just walked up and
down the boardwalk, waiting for the line for the
Cranium Shaker to go down. Then I saw something
that got my attention.
It was that girl from Rodrick’s keychain picture.
But here’s the thing: She wasn’t a real person.
She was a CARDBoARD Cutout.
souvenir
keychain
photos
$5
I felt like an idiot for ever thinking that she was
a real girl. Then I realized I could buy my OWN
keychain picture and impress all the guys at school.
I might even be able to make some money by
charging them to look at it.
179
I paid my five bucks and posed for my photo.
Unfortunately, the Jeffersons got into the picture
WItH me, so now my souvenir keychain is pretty
much worthless.
I was really mad, but I forgot all about it when
I saw that the line for the Cranium Shaker was
down to a few people. I ran over to the ride and
used my last five dollars to pay for a ticket.
I thought Rowley was right behind me, but he
was hanging back about ten feet. I guess he was
too scared to go on.
180
$5 per
ride
I was starting to have second thoughts myself,
but it was too late. After the ride operator
strapped me in, he locked the cage and I knew
there was no turning back.
click
Well, I wish I had spent more time watching what
the Cranium Shaker actually DID to a person,
because I never would’ve gotten on if I had.
181
It flips you upside down about a million times and
then throws you toward the ground so your face is
about six inches from the pavement. Then it sends
you spinning backward up to the sky again.
And the whole time the cage you're in is creaking,
and all the bolts look like they're about to come
loose. I tried to get someone to stop the ride,
but nobody could hear me over the pounding heavy
metal music.
screech!
Cranium shaker
182
It was the most nauseous I’ve ever felt in my life.
And when I say that, I mean even more than
after I had to get Manny out of the shower area
at the town pool. If this is what it takes to be a
”man,“ I am definitely not ready yet.
When the ride finally ended, I could barely walk.
So I sat down on a bench and waited for the
boardwalk to stop spinning.
I stayed there a long time and focused on trying
not to throw up, while Rowley rode some rides
that were more his speed.
wheee!
bump
183
After Rowley was done with his kiddie rides, his
dad bought him a boppy balloon and a shirt from
the souvenir shop.
I SURVIVED
THE
CRANIUM
SHAKER
I SURVIVED
THE
CRANIUM
SHAKER
A half hour later I was finally ready to try
standing up and walking around again. But when
I got on my feet, Mr. Jefferson said it was
time to go.
I asked him if we could just play a few games in
the arcade, and he said ok even though he didn’t
seem happy about it.
I had spent all the money Mom gave me, so I told
Mr. Jeffe
rson twenty dollars would probably do it.
But all he was willing to offer me was a dollar.
184
I SURVIVED
THE
CRANIUM
SHAKER
I think the arcade was too loud for Mr. and Mrs.
Jefferson, so they didn't want to go inside. They
told us to go in by ourselves and meet them outside
in ten minutes.
I went to the back of the arcade, where they
have this game called Thunder Volt. I spent about
fifty dollars on that game last year, and I got
the high score. I wanted Rowley to see my name
at the top of the list, because I wanted to show
him what it was like to win something without it
being handed to you.
SHOCKER
I SURVIVED
THE
CRANIUM
SHAKER
FROGGIE
THUNDER
VOLT
THUNDER
VOLT
185
Well, my name was still at the top of the list, but
the person who got the next highest score
must’ve been jealous they couldn’t beat me.
I unplugged the machine to try and wipe out the
high scores, but they were burned into the screen
permanently.
I was gonna just spend our money on some other
game, but then I remembered a trick Rodrick
told me about, and I realized we could make the
dollar last a lot longer.
186
Me and Rowley walked outside and went underneath
the boardwalk. Then I slipped the dollar bill up
between the planks of wood and waited for our
first victim.
Eventually, a teenager spotted the dollar sticking
out of the boardwalk.
SCORE!
I SURVIVED
THE
CRANIUM
SHAKER
When he went to grab it, I pulled the dollar bill
through the slat at the last second.
187
I have to hand it to Rodrick, because this was
actually a lot of fun.
THWIP
YANK
I SURVIVED
THE
CRANIUM