By Moon

by T Thorn Coyle

  He’d slammed out of the house at that point, called Legis to come get him, and raced to Selene’s building.

  Now he stood outside an old, three-story white Victorian with black trim and a gorgeous wraparound porch, wondering if he was a fool.

  Or if he should have brought flowers. Or tea. Or wine. Reality was, he was still shaky from the poisoning and in no condition to do anything other than stand and stare. He wasn’t even sure if he could make it up the stairs.

  Or if he should have even come.

  Joshua sighed. Well, he was here now. Legis had asked if he wanted him to wait around, just in case, but Joshua had said no. If Selene didn’t want him here, he’d make his own way home.

  Legis had looked dubious, but just said “Call me, man,” put his car in gear and driven off.

  Joshua walked up the peeling white front steps, toward the glossy black door. It had a leaded glass window inserted in the top half. He could make out a white-painted staircase heading up, and the straight shot of a long hallway heading back.

  There were five buzzers to the right side of the door. The bottom one just had an image. A crescent moon.

  Selene.

  He buzzed, and stood, planting his feet in their navy blue wingtips on the grand, peeling porch.

  Nothing.

  He buzzed again.

  A crackling sound. “Yes?”

  “Selene. It’s Joshua. I know you don’t want to see anyone…but I really want to see you.” He paused. Dead air greeted him. Not even the sound of breathing.

  “Selene? May I see you?”

  Another pause. Then a buzz and a click. Joshua grabbed the door latch and pushed his way in. Then, taking it slowly, he started to climb.

  When he reached the top, Selene was waiting there, dressed in the most glorious black floor-length robe with peonies skirting the bottom third and climbing up the right side.

  They wore no makeup, and Joshua was startled by the fineness of their face. The slightly square jaw. The perfectly arched eyebrows, a little thinner than usual. The high cheekbones, the right one scraped red, as though someone had taken sandpaper to the ghostly skin. Joshua flushed with anger. How could someone have done this?

  Selene’s lips were pale, almost disappearing in their face. Joshua wanted nothing more than to kiss them.

  Selene looked tired, eyes wary.

  “What are you doing here?” they asked.

  “I had to see you. I heard…and I had to see you. Selene. You shouldn’t be alone.”

  Joshua stood on the tiny attic landing, at the top of the steep attic stairs, and waited. He felt his breath rasping in and out of his chest from the climb.

  Selene, pale as the moon, bare-faced, just looked at him. Looked at his face. Joshua felt as if no one had ever looked at him like that.

  No one had ever seen him. Not really. Not since Jessie had been killed.

  “Come in,” Selene said, and took a step back. Joshua followed, stepping into a tiny jewel box filled with wonders. A painting eave, with a drop cloth on the floor and jars of brushes. Statuary. Art on the walls. Small, plush rugs scattered here and there on dark plank floors. A high bed, dressed in burgundy and gold.

  “Can I get you tea?” Selene asked, then cleared their throat. “Wine? You look like you’re in pretty bad shape yourself.”

  Joshua realized he was standing stock still, barely inside the entryway, just staring.

  “Um. Tea would be great. Thank you.” No wine. His body still felt burned with toxins.

  “Feel free to have a seat.”

  He felt so awkward. As if he were intruding. He followed Selene to the tiny kitchen tucked into the eaves. Selene turned with efficiency. Filling the electric kettle. Setting out cups. Opening canisters and sniffing. Cradling a green ceramic pot in long, pale fingers as they brought it down from a top shelf.

  The dance of tea. Elegant. The way Selene was.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he finally asked.

  The water rumbled, just below boil. Selene turned and flicked it off.

  “Not really. Not now.”

  The way Selene had stared at him on the landing, as if they truly saw him? Well, they wouldn’t even look at Joshua now.

  He stepped into the kitchen. Not sure if it was the right thing.

  “Hey,” he said, then put his hands on Selene’s shoulders. Felt the long muscles of their upper arms. Selene flinched and looked down, dark hair curtaining their face. He let go.

  “Selene? Can you look at me? Will you?”

  He heard the sharp intake of air, then the slower exhalation. A soft swallow.

  And Selene raised their head. Their eyes held such pain, Joshua’s knees almost buckled. But they held their dark eyes steady on his own. Showing him everything. Almost too much. He did not look away.

  “Selene. I…” What were the words? Take a risk. “May I hold you?”

  That pause again. So many pauses. Then a nod. A ripple of dark hair.

  Joshua slid his arms around Selene, one arm cradling their shoulders, the other slipping around their slender waist. He drew them to his chest, where, because they were barefoot, their head tucked just so beneath his chin.

  They held themself so stiff, it almost felt as if Joshua were holding glass.

  He began to slowly sway, rocking Selene’s body with his own.

  “You’re safe now. Thank the Gods, you’re safe. And people love you. And you’re beautiful.” The words just kept coming. “And they don’t want to be too much for you, they’re just trying to tell you…how much they care about you. That they want you here. And not to run away. And…”

  Joshua felt a shuddering inhalation against his chest. An attempt to clear a throat thick with incipient tears.

  “I’m not sure I can trust you…” they said.

  Joshua pulled away just enough to look down at their beautiful face, then drew Selene close again, feeling the slight relaxation of their body against his.

  “I know,” he said. “But maybe we can learn together.”

  They stood in Selene’s pocket kitchen, tea forgotten, just breathing together. Breathing and rocking, auras slowly softening, opening, blending.

  After a while—Joshua wasn’t certain how long—they moved to a small loveseat, still nestled against one another.

  Selene finally broke the silence, barely, with a muffled murmur into his shirtfront.

  “It’s been a long time.”

  “Since what?” he whispered into their hair, inhaling the tuberose scent of them.

  “This.”

  And they tilted their beautiful naked face upward.

  Joshua held Selene’s gaze with his own, just for a moment. And then, breath by breath, millimeter by millimeter, their two faces drew closer.

  And they kissed.

  29

  Selene

  Goddess, Selene was tired. Sore, too. They forced themself up. Out of bed. Make some tea. Eat a piece of toast with a smear of peanut butter. Crawl into the tub. Again.

  After Tobias had reluctantly dropped Selene off the night before, the first thing they did was strip off all their clothes and climb into the tub, heat be damned.

  They needed the comfort of it. And their bruised knees and abraded face did, too.

  And they needed to scrub that bastard’s hands off of their body. Apparently they weren’t done with that, yet.

  Selene ran the rough washcloth over their lips for what must have been the hundredth time, trying to scrape away his sick perversion of a kiss.

  After Joshua had left last night, it was all Selene could do to crawl up into bed. They had really wanted to do magic, but sleep claimed their body and mind before the thought was even half-formed.

  So here they were, soaking in tepid water in the huge clawfoot tub in a bathroom that had been the major selling point when Selene decided to rent this place three years ago. The apartment had always been just slightly beyond their budget, but the light through the windows, and this tub, ma
de it worthwhile.

  The coven was freaking out. Selene didn’t blame them. They would be, too. But Selene really didn’t want the fussing, though they were grateful they hadn’t needed to drive themself home from the studio after the assault.

  They had called Brenda, who had called Tobias, who had come picked Selene up. The coven always came through.

  They were grateful. But then they really just needed to be home. Alone. Maybe to lick their wounds? Selene shook their head. Maybe. They didn’t know. All they knew was they had needed to be home and to not have to explain anything. They were still too raw to field everyone’s concern, and anger, and fear. Selene didn’t have the wherewithal right now to shield themself from it. Not even from coven members who knew about shielding and boundaries and keeping their own emotional states to themselves. When someone you loved was hurt, sometimes your boundaries came down.

  Even more than the fussing and worry, Selene couldn’t bear the pain and love they knew would be in their coven mates’ eyes. That just might break Selene. And Selene needed to feel strong.

  “Enough.” Selene’s fingers were pruning again, just as they had last night. They pulled the drain plug and stood to dry off with a fluffy, wine-colored towel as the water gurgled down into the pipes in a clockwise spiral. Stepping out of the tub, they dried their feet with care, slathered on a layer of lotion, and slipped back into their peony-embroidered, floor-length robe.

  They paused at the vanity for a moment, and dabbed some tuberose oil in the crook of each elbow, behind each ear, and in the hollow between their collarbones.

  Selene loved every person in Arrow and Crescent but couldn’t afford to be around dropped boundaries right now. Besides, Selene had told Tobias everything they knew as he drove them home the night before. Once was enough. They couldn’t go through it again. He could tell everyone what had happened.

  All Selene wanted were the wards and protections of their home space, away from the clamor of other people’s hearts.

  They left the bathroom and wandered barefooted through the little paint box apartment, across the scarred wood floors and jewel-like rugs. The queen size bed Selene had found second hand sat in the far corner. It had a dark walnut slatted headboard and was draped with a comforter of burgundy and gold. The bed was still appealing, but Selene forced themself past it.

  The jutting dormer area that housed their ersatz home studio was awash with brightness. The windows looked out onto a towering fir tree that Selene loved. No painting this morning. They just didn’t have it in them. Not yet. Perhaps this afternoon.

  What they needed now was magic.

  Magic that had nothing to do with chasing down rapist magicians trying to control and manipulate other people for their own ends.

  Magic that didn’t have anything to do with anyone except Selene, and Selene’s heart, and Selene’s mind.

  Selene needed the moon.

  And they needed to not let that asshole take magic away from them. He had already cheated them of their usual full moon rite this month by sending Tabitha to the hospital.

  Morning wasn’t Selene’s usual time, but they needed the comfort and solidity of ritual. Selene needed communion.

  So, hair still damp from trailing in the bath water, they padded past the seating area toward the chest filled with magical herbs and accouterment.

  Selene crouched, knees complaining, next to the wooden cedar chest. Damn. They must have hit the concrete hard. Opening the lid, they pulled out a shallow scrying bowl wrapped in a deep purple cloth. A container of kosher salt. Two fresh beeswax tapers. Incense? No. They didn’t need it.

  Selene carefully laid out their ritual objects on the low, round wood table set between two black-cloth-covered easy chairs and Selene’s recent thrift store find of a dark navy velvet loveseat.

  They unwrapped the bowl first, flicking the purple cloth open on the table. It would serve as an altar cloth. They centered the bowl, a hand-thrown ceramic piece glazed in a swirl of blacks, purples, blues, and a brown as deep as earth. Made by one of the students at school. Selene had bought it at the yearly winter fair.

  Maybe it would have been better to wait for full dark, but Selene was tired and needed the comfort of connection right now. They needed to touch the knowledge that, no matter what happened to them, they were still a child of the moon.

  Besides, the moon was always present, whether Selene could see it or not. And they did catch its face during daylight sometimes. That was a reminder, too.

  Maybe Selene could learn to be seen even under harsh light.

  They just didn’t know if they could, even though it had felt good to be with Joshua last night. To just sit and breathe, head cradled on his shoulder. After a while, Selene had even forgotten to be anxious.

  And that kiss… It had been sweet. Nice. His lips were warm and full, nothing like the Alchemist’s mouth. Selene shuddered, and flicked their fingers as if to banish the thought of the man. Joshua was a much better memory.

  And Selene carried the image of his face close. A talisman against things in the world that felt bad.

  Maybe he was one more person who saw Selene for what they actually were.

  Rising again, Selene wandered through the little attic apartment, closing heavy drapes, dropping the light level more toward a winter dusk than summer morning.

  Selene made the circuit to their tiny kitchen and filled a pitcher with clear water.

  Back at the seating area, they poured the water into the scrying bowl and set the pitcher aside. They lit the candles, then rose and untied their robe. They would greet their Goddess naked. Clean.

  To Her, they would risk being exposed. Always.

  Tears rolled down Selene’s face as they raised their arms in supplication.

  “Mother Moon. Sister Moon. Sibling Moon. Cousin Moon. Brother Moon. You who bear so many names offered by so many people. Hear me. See me. Be with me. I bear one of your many names. I too, like you, am neither male nor female. I choose you, just as you chose me. I call you Mother, though I know you are much more than that. I name you Moon because of the way light reflects through and around you, bringing beauty from the velvet dark.”

  Selene paused, adjusting their weight on the balls of their feet. Took another breath.

  “Help me to see my face and know myself. Guide me on the luminous paths of power. Give me insight…” Their voice broke then, and their chest caved, just a little, before Selene caught themself and stood upright again. Another breath. Then a deeper one. Inhale. Exhale.

  “Give me insight into what I need to help those in need. Danger walks our city. It…it has violated me….”

  Re-center, Selene. Keep breathing. This was harder than Selene thought it would be. Maybe the coven was right. They should have been around friends after the attack. Or maybe they should have just crawled back into bed.

  Selene knelt in front of the altar, knees cushioned by the soft floor rug, and inhaled deeply.

  “Mother Moon, show me your face. Help me to walk the paths of darkness.”

  Selene was repeating themselves, but right now? It was the only prayer they knew.

  “Mother Moon…”

  Selene gazed into the dark reflecting bowl, saw the flicker of candle flames like sparks deep in the water.

  Saw their own face. Half in darkness. Half in light. Never fully illuminated. Slipping through the shadows. Revealing only what they chose.

  They knew that already. Was it just a confirmation?

  Selene breathed across the water, ripples shattering the image until the water was still again.

  All they could see now were the tiny, flickering candle flames.

  They blinked. Refocused their eyes, and then softened their gaze again, breathing slowly.

  The bowl filled with the image of the full moon. Just like in the painting Selene was working on. Out from the depths of the water, the moon called all creatures to rise.

  A slight pressure banded Selene’s forehead, as if someone’s
hands were pressing there. As they stared into the image of the moon, a voice rang, clear and strong.

  :Those who walk the pathways of darkness see into the night of other souls. Those who live in two worlds travel well. Seek the hidden pathway. See the truth.:

  The image of the moon faded from the water. Selene exhaled, long and slow.

  They’d been given a message.

  They just had no idea what it meant.

  30

  Joshua

  Joshua was on his usual route from the bus stop to The Road Home, except this morning, he was headed to the Inner Eye first. He needed to confer with Brenda, and to buy a small piece of magic.

  The memory of Selene, head resting on his shoulder, wouldn’t leave Joshua. He felt a sense of awe and affection, and a deep wish to protect them at all costs. The combination of power and vulnerability were so potent in Selene, and he wasn’t certain they were aware of it.

  He had loved Jessie, and wanted to protect her—and couldn’t, in the end—but their relationship had been more like a coming home, not as if together, they just might set the world aflame.

  He’d also had crushes before, even loved other people. But after Jessie died, it was always clear that he was a free agent and was never going to go that deep with anyone again.

  But he might just want to go there with Selene.

  As he walked to Brenda’s shop, he pondered that Moon card. Things crawling up from the subconscious, toward the light. Well, Selene themself was the moon. It was right there, encoded in their name. Joshua couldn’t think about it too much right now, but he also felt pretty damned determined to do what he could to help Selene.

  And one thing he could do was to buy Selene a moonstone. He had no idea why, not yet, he just knew he’d awakened that morning with the idea in his head. His subconscious must be working overtime.

  He really should have been at the shop with Quanice, clearing the space and resetting the wards. But that would have to wait. He’d spoken with Quanice this morning and told him they weren’t opening the store today, but to please come in around one.