UNBREATHABLE

by Hafsah Laziaf

  I face Rowan in the silence of my words.

  “Give him the catalyst and I'll be yours forever.”

  Rowan stares at me and I stare back. At his blue eyes so much like Julian's, the sharpness of his cheekbones, the darkness of his hair, and the bow of his lips. He is Julian on the outside. He must be good inside, too. He has to be. Maybe Eli was right and I can help him.

  Maybe I can get over my pain of leaving Julian.

  Rowan reaches into his pocket and pulls out one vial, filled to the brim with my blood mixed with whatever the catalyst is. He tilts the small tube, his eyes following the bubble of air that slides back and forth.

  “Forever,” he breathes.

  “Lissa, no,” Julian croaks. I drop to my knees in front of him.

  And when I meet his eyes, flickering in pain, it hits me again—Julian and Rowan can never be the same. Never. Fresh pain aches through me, trembling through my veins, my limbs, my heart.

  “Don’t do this,” he whispers.

  “Why didn’t you tell me, ask me?”

  “I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask you to bleed for me.” I squeeze my eyes shut and open them.

  I cup his freezing cheek in my palm. “I won’t watch you die.”

  “You’re all I have, Lissa. I have nothing else to live for,” he says.

  Rowan clears his throat. I stand as one of his men steps from the shadows. Disgust stirs through my stomach—we were being watched.

  The man takes the vial and unscrews the lid. He tightens a needle at the end and stands still as Rowan stretches his hand out to me.

  “Lissa,” Julian pleads. “Don’t.”

  I reach out. My breath catches when Rowan’s hand closes around mine, enveloping me in his warmth. He pulls me close, something like pain flickering in his eyes. There is something human in him. It wants to live. But Rowan’s madness, his anger, and the pain of his parents’ rejection—they will kill him before then.

  The man in black crouches beside Julian as I stare into Rowan’s eyes. Any moment now, the needle will pierce Julian’s skin. Any moment now, Rowan’s lips will touch mine and I’ll be his forever.

  I will never go back on my promise. Even to someone like him.

  “It’s done, sir,” the man says and Julian collapse. My eyes widen and Rowan’s hand tightens around mine.

  “Take him to the infirmary,” Rowan says. I can feel the vibration of his voice through our clasped hands. The man throws Julian over his shoulder as if he weighs no more than a sack and disappears through the door.

  “You’ll never love me, will you?” Rowan asks. His soft voice pierces my heart.

  “I do love you,” I whisper, because it’s true. But not the way I love Julian.

  “Not as much as you love him,” he says, mirroring my thoughts. He is close, so close, his breath mixes with mine. Minty. Free. He drops my hands, pain creasing the edges of his eyes. I stare at him, for a moment, because I don’t understand.

  But then I do.

  He’ll let me go.

  “Thank you, Rowan,” I say. His eyes travel the length of my face, memorizing every inch of my expression. I offer him a small smile, the best I can muster and drop my hands by my sides. I take one step back, away from him.

  “You were right,” he says. “You can let someone go.”

  The door opens. Dena slowly looks between Rowan and me, her jet black eyes catching everything. Rowan raises my hand to his lips, holding my gaze. “Bye, Lissa.”

  And I watch as he strolls out of the room, his long coat trailing behind him.

  ”What was that about?” She asks.

  I smile. “Nothing.”

  “I saw Julian being carried to the infirmary. And then Rowan kisses you? That’s not nothing.” She raises an eyebrow. For a moment, I expect her to be the same girl who called me pathetic. The same girl who said I needed a babysitter.

  “Julian wasn’t given a dose.” I don’t say anything else, hoping she’ll understand. She does. “Where’s Ilen?”

  She laughs. “No way. He was just”—her voice turns soft—“a way to stop thinking of Julian.”

  “There’s Rowan,” I say after some thought.

  “He killed my dad.” There’s no emotion to her words.

  “He didn’t have a choice,” I say softly. “There’s so much more to him than all the wrong he has caused. No one has ever given him a chance.”

  Dena only sighs in answer. In the silence that follows, we wander through the library, though I’m itching to see if Julian is okay, if Mia is recovering.

  Dena pulls her hands out from behind her, my crown in her palms. “You’re still queen and your people are waiting.”

  I stare at her. But she smiles and fixes the crown on my head and drags me out of the room before I can protest.

  I still see Julian’s blue lips, I still see the arrow in my father’s shoulder, and Chancellor Kole’s dead body.

  But I see something else too. A future.

  We climb a dark, empty stairwell. I listen for the sound of life, but I hear nothing. It feels like the walls are holding their breath in silent anticipation. We cross through an empty, white-walled room and she opens the door on the other end.

  I meet Julian’s beautiful blue eyes, like the ocean, the sky, and brilliance in one. Relief floods through me, despite the sickly tint of his skin. Because he’s okay. He’ll be okay.

  He says my name as if he’s never said it before.

  “Queen Lissa,” Dena interjects.

  Julian breathes a laugh, holding my gaze. “No. It’s Lissa. Just Lissa.” I smile.

  “I’m yours now,” I say.

  “No,” he says, touching his forward to mine. “I am yours. And forever will be.”

  He smiles with tired eyes. I grab ahold of his hands and pull him to me. He laughs softly, pressing his soft lips against mine. My body tingles, from the tips of my toes to the point of my nose. I taste freedom on him and I feel something deep inside me, something that can only be described as love, even if I’m not fully ready to feel it.

  He pulls away, sliding his warm hand down my arm, entwining his fingers in mine. He leads me to the winding balcony. Father limps toward us, his eyes shining.

  Julian drops my hand and inclines his head. “Go on.”

  I walk to the railing, my steps slow.

  Beneath me, the ship spreads out in all its glory. But I don’t see the ship’s floor.

  I see men, women, and children. Jute and human. I see the people of Jutaire, standing beside one another, every face differing from the next, every face unmasked. There is no difference.

  Dena’s voice rings out in the silence. “People of Jutaire, your Queen.”

  Not the queen of the Jute, like my mother. Not the ruler of the humans, like the leading Chancellors.

  The Queen of Jutaire—of every being who lived on our red planet.

  The crowd erupts in cheers. And the full realization hits me as the ship carries us toward a place we have only dreamed of. To a future we don’t know. I slip my hand in my pocket and wrap my fingers around the small replica of Earth.

  I will never, ever, be alone.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  UNBREATHABLE owes its publication to more people than the letters in its name and I know I won't thank everyone here.

  First and foremost, my greatest thank you goes to my family – to my mom and dad for encouraging me to publish this book when I didn’t want to. To Asma, for pestering me to let Julian and Slate live, for endlessly entertaining me and being the first to love my writing, and to Azraa, for wanting my first signed bookmark. And of course, to my brother, for thinking UNBREATHABLE was UNBREAKABLE. My life would be incomplete without the five of you.

  A heaping thank you goes to Ashelynn, for supporting UNBREATHABLE from its first sentence. For being there whenever I needed you.

  To Lisa, for your unbelievable caps-lock reaction when I said UNBREATHABLE would be published. For being my BBF – best blogging friend �
� and for showering me with your endless gifts.

  To Christina at Ensconced with YA, for detailing the science behind Lissa’s blood and hosting my amazing Twitter party.

  Many thanks to Leigh Ann Kopans, Cait Greer, Darci Cole, and Jessica Brooks for giving me the push I needed to pursue self-publication.

  To the oh-so-awesome L.M. Augustine for keeping me sane every step of the way and, along with Rachel O’Laughlin, for patiently answering my countless questions and helping me through the heralds of doing everything on my own. I would be an utter mess without you two.

  More thanks go to Amanda Foody, Stephanie Diaz, and John Hansen, the original YAvengers. I miss our group.

  To Kennedy Thompson, for wanting to fly over and visit me. For being my cheerleader and being the best supporter a girl could ask for.

  To Hannah (InkyReads) for hosting my amazing blog tour and for fangirling with me when the first UNBREATHABLE proof was in my hands.

  To Crystal at Crystal in Bookland, Emz at Icy Cold Reads, and Matt Keenan for being a part of my support group, for pushing UNBREATHABLE in every way, and for loving it without a reason other than your own.

  To Alex Yuschik, for being the best beta reader a writer can ask for and for making me smile with your lengthy love-filled emails.

  A huge shout out to Holly Bryan, Kristie Matheson, Shannon at Twilight Sleep, Meredith Maresco, Momo at Books Over Boys, Britta Gigliotti, Alex and Nova, Jaz at Pixelski, and all my Twitter friends and blog followers.

  Another big thank you goes to the Laziaf’s Legion, my unbelievably awesome street team. You guys rock.

  And last, but never least, you. Thank you for picking this book up. For reading Lissa's story and hopefully enjoying it.

  Writers wouldn't exist without you.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Hafsah Laziaf was born on the east coast on a hot summer day in 1993, raised on the west coast and is now stuck in the middle – in Texas – with more books than she can read.

  She’s the designer behind IceyDesigns and the blogger behind IceyBooks. UNBREATHABLE is her debut novel.

  Find her online at www.hafsahlaziaf.com

  or on Twitter @IceyBooks.