Lessons in Love

by Carlyle, Clarissa

  “Growing up, we had everything,” she began whimsically. “We used to vacation all over the world and go skiing in the winter. Our family always seemed to have money. My dad was always so generous too, constantly buying me and my brother gifts. Once, he came home with a brand new bike for us both, which he’d bought on a whim. He was great like that, always making us feel special.

  “I went to Gormell, which is a private school. You’ve probably heard of it. My brother and I were both enrolled there, and we had an amazing education. They nurtured us, and at fourteen I was quite happily solving complex calculus problems.”

  “Impressive.” Mr. Simmons nodded approvingly.

  “I used to love math,” Alex admitted shyly. “It was easily my favorite subject. That and music. I find comfort in the structure of it.”

  “Me too.” Mr. Simmons smiled.

  “So there I was, doing great at Gormell. There was talk about me one day going to Princeton, just like my dad had done when he was younger. I played the violin, I had friends, life was pretty amazing. Looking back, I see that it was beyond amazing, it was wonderful, perfect even. I had everything, and I didn’t even realize it.”

  “And then.” Alex paused, not sure she could continue. She felt Mr. Simmons squeeze her hand tightly in reassurance.

  “Mr. Simmons,” she began to try to vocalize how she felt.

  “Call me Mark,” he suggested, and Alex felt herself blush. Knowing his full name made him seem less like a teacher and more like a guy.

  “Well, Mark, then my dad walked into the wrong 7-Eleven to get me a soda, and some asshole put a shotgun bullet through his brain and destroyed my entire world.” Alex tried to sound flippant, but she shuddered as she spoke.

  “That’s terrible,” Mark breathed softly beside her.

  “The worst part was that I was there. I still have nightmares about it, how his body dropped to the floor, and I knew he was dead, gone forever.”

  Alex was silent, feeling emotionally exhausted from reliving the most painful moment of her young life.

  “Did they ever find the guy who did it?” Mark asked.

  “Yeah.” Alex nodded numbly. “Not that I care. Finding the guy didn’t change anything. It didn’t suddenly give me closure.”

  “So what happened after he died? Why did you leave Gormell?” Mark asked gently.

  “After my dad died, like after we’d been through the funeral and all that other horrible stuff, the really bad things started to happen. My mom didn’t really discuss it with me at the time. I guess I was too young to fully understand it, but she discovered that we had no money. In fact, my dad had been in a lot of debt. A real lot. So much so that we were forced to sell our home and everything in it, and even then we hadn’t paid everything off.”

  “That must have been difficult to come to terms with,” Mark sympathized.

  “It was like it wasn’t just my dad who was gone, it was everything that had ever been connected to him. His car, our house, it was like every trace of our life with him was suddenly being taken away. There was nothing to hold on to.”

  Alex rubbed her forehead wearily with her free hand. She’d never spoken to anyone about how she felt in those turbulent months after her father’s death, not even her mother. She’d locked up her feelings, determined to be strong for her mom.

  “And so we had nothing. We were forced to move into a trailer,” Alex admitted shamefully.

  “A lot of great people come from humble beginnings.” Mark tried to alleviate her apprehension over where she lived.

  “I had to join this school, and I guess it sort of helped to deal with everything if I forgot who I was and invented a new version of myself. I stopped playing violin, stopped working hard in school, and became this other person.”

  “So no one here knows you used to go to Gormell?”

  “Nope, not a clue,” Alex clarified. “Because if they knew, I’d stop being Alex Heron the cheerleader and become Alexandra Heron the outcast. And I don’t want that.”

  “I appreciate how desperately you want to fit in,” Mark told her. “You’ve been through something truly awful, but I don’t think throwing away your future is the best solution.”

  “I’m not throwing anything away,” Alex argued. “My future is already planned out for me. After high school ends, I’ll have to get a job to help my mom pay the bills. College is just one of the dreams that died along with my dad.”

  “Have you talked to your mom about it?”

  “No, I don’t talk to her about anything like that. She just gets upset.”

  “I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want you to forsake your future for her. You should talk to her about it.”

  “It’s too late now anyway,” Alex said, her voice small.

  “How is it?”

  “I’ve screwed up my grades for the past four years. There’s no decent college that would take me now.”

  “What if I could help you get into college? Like a decent college, like Princeton?” Mark suggested.

  “Like Princeton?” Alex regarded him with suspicion. “How could you help with that?”

  “I went there myself. And if you’re as gifted with math as I think you are, then I reckon we could make a case for you to apply for a scholarship under extenuating circumstances,” Mark told her, speaking quickly as his enthusiasm grew.

  “I don’t know,” Alex sounded doubtful.

  “Alex, if your dad could see you now, what would he think? Would he think you were risking your future happiness?”

  Alex couldn’t speak; she’d always tried to push out of her mind how her father would judge her current situation. She hated the thought that she’d somehow lost her way and let him down. Growing up, she’d only ever wanted to make her parents proud.

  “Can you help me?” she asked Mark, her eyes welling up with fresh tears.

  “Yes.” He smiled, revealing perfect teeth. “Of course.”

  ****

  Daylight was fading as Alex walked alongside Mark out of the school and out towards the parking lot. Only a handful of cars remained, including his silver Prius.

  “Can I give you a lift home?” he offered, casting her a friendly smile.

  “I don’t know.” Alex paused behind him reluctantly.

  “You got a better offer?” Mark joked.

  “Not really,” Alex admitted.

  “Then get in.” Mark gestured towards his car, and Alex climbed into the passenger side before she had the opportunity to decide against it.

  “I can’t believe you drive a Prius,” she declared as he turned on the engine.

  “What’s wrong with it?”

  “Nothing if you’re, like, forty.” Alex laughed.

  “I can assure you I’m not forty!” Mark commented as he drove out of the parking lot and turned left.

  “So how old are you?” Alex asked carefully, aware that in asking they were straying beyond the boundaries of the teacher-student relationship, but she didn’t care. He made her feel comfortable and had accepted her true self, which was more than she could say for most people. Most importantly, he’d listened to her, he was the first man to have done so since her father died, and that meant something to her.

  “Twenty-five,” Mark answered.

  “Oh.” Alex instantly did the math in her head. He was only seven years older than she was. It seemed bizarre to think that less than a decade ago he’d been a student and now he was the teacher.

  “Oh?” Mark queried her response.

  “Nothing, it’s just, not that old.”

  “Are you disappointed I’m not older?” Mark asked.

  “No, not at all.”

  Alex turned on Mark’s car stereo, and the dulcet tones of Joni Mitchell instantly filled the vehicle.

  “You don’t have to listen to that.” Mark moved his hand to switch it off, but Alex batted him away.

  “You like Joni Mitchell?”

  He was clearly surprised by her reaction. “I thought kids yo
ur age like music that sounds like a washing machine on fast cycle.”

  “Okay, now you sound old!” Alex giggled. “But yeah, I like Joni Mitchell. Not as much as Janis Joplin, but I like her.”

  “You’re into old music, then?”

  “Yeah, my dad got me into all that stuff. I even used to own a record player,” Alex bragged, feeling good to finally be talking about something that was true.

  “Nice.” Mark nodded in approval. “So if you had to pick a favorite album of all time, what would it be?”

  “Easy!” Alex clapped her hands confidently. “Rumours, Fleetwood Mac.”

  “No way!”

  “What?”

  “That’s my favorite album,” Mark admitted, briefly glancing across at Alex and smiling.

  “It’s because it’s amazing!”

  “You can hear the rawness of their emotions as not only the band broke up, but so did the couples who formed it,” Mark mused aloud.

  “Hey.” Alex suddenly focused on their surroundings, the conversation about music having briefly distracted her from their journey. “I haven’t told you where to go.”

  She was shocked to see that they were pulling into the trailer park.

  “How did you know the way?” she demanded.

  “My grandma lives out here,” Mark replied casually. “I told you that great things come from humble beginnings,” he added cheekily.

  “Well, you can leave me here. I live right at the back of the park, and it’s hard to turn around there.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, it’s fine.” Alex put her hand on the door handle but paused before opening it. It was as if she was waiting for something, though she didn’t know what.

  “You got any big plans this weekend?” Mark asked her, sounding genuinely interested.

  “There’s supposed to be this big party at one of the player’s houses.” Alex didn’t sound thrilled by the prospect of the party.

  “Sounds…cool,” Mark replied. “Not that I’d expect you to blow off such a cool party, but if you wanted to, they’re showing The Evil Dead at the revival house in Mooreville, and I’ve no one to go with, and going to the cinema alone is, well, social suicide.” Mark suddenly seemed nervous, talking very quickly.

  “And I assumed that your taste in movies might be as good as your taste in music,” he added.

  “Evil Dead?” Alex nodded thoughtfully. “I’ve heard of it but never seen it.”

  “You’ve never seen it?” Mark gasped.

  “Well, the last time I had my own TV I was fourteen and a bit too young for it.”

  “Fair enough.” Mark drummed his fingers on the steering wheel anxiously.

  “But I’d like to see it,” Alex said coyly.

  Mark turned to face her, smiling broadly. “You sure? I mean, great. I’ll pick you up at 7?”

  “Sounds great.”

  Alex loitered a moment, getting lost in Mark’s eyes, before suddenly remembering herself and hurriedly saying her goodbyes and getting out of his car, terrified that someone might see them and get the rumor mill turning. All she needed was the suggestion that she was sleeping with a teacher to accompany the revelation of her trailer residence and she’d instantly be an outcast.

  She heard his Prius pull away, but she didn’t turn to wave. Instead, she scurried towards her house, already thinking of an excuse to give Claire about why she wouldn’t be able to make the party the following night.

  ****

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Jackie asked suspiciously as Alex nervously paced the main area of the trailer.

  Alex was wearing skinny jeans with a white T-shirt and black blazer. Her blonde hair sat atop her head in a smart bun, and her eyes were accentuated by smoky makeup and mascara. She looked flawlessly beautiful. If Jackie wasn’t so concerned about where she was headed looking so stunning, she’d have been silenced by pride to see her daughter looking so grown up and lovely.

  “To a party at Claire’s,” Alex answered but didn’t look at her mother. Instead, her eyes kept flicking to the window and the trailer park beyond. It was five to seven.

  “A party?” Jackie didn’t sound pleased.

  “A small party. Jeez, Mom, I’m eighteen, lighten up.”

  “Well, luckily for you Andy is staying at his friend Robert’s tonight. So I’m not giving you a curfew.”

  “You’re not?” Alex looked back at her mother in shock.

  “No, and don’t make me regret it,” Jackie told her sternly. “But I appreciate that sometimes you just need to be a normal teenager. We need to remember that I’m the only adult here and the only one who needs to behave like one.”

  “Have you been drinking?” Alex teased.

  “Alexandra!” Jackie was appalled but smiling also. Moments like this were rare between them. So often their time together was short and fraught with worries over childcare and money. Jackie hated to offload so much onto her young daughter but felt at times that she had no choice and no one else to turn to.

  “Is Claire picking you up?” Jackie asked, noticing how militant Alex was about checking the window.

  “Um, yeah.” Alex quickly bluffed her response.

  “I didn’t think she knew you lived here.”

  “She doesn’t,” Alex answered quickly. “She thinks I’m at my nan’s.”

  “Ah, a half-truth, then.” Jackie nodded. “It’s progress, I suppose. One step closer to revealing your secret identity.”

  “You make me sound like a superhero.” Alex laughed. “Only for me it’s backwards. It’d be like everyone finding out that Superman was really just Clark Kent.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself. People can surprise you.”

  Alex didn’t answer; she’d spotted a silver Prius pulling into the trailer park and was instantly out the door, slamming it behind her as she left.

  ****

  The revival theater was relatively quiet as a select few patrons piled in to see the movie. Alex had to admit that she felt awfully grown up to be going to such a place. Her usual hangouts included the mall and whoever’s house was the latest location for a party. It made a nice change to actually be going somewhere interesting.

  Mark paid for her ticket, like a gentleman, and led her into the darkened theater. They’d purchased two Cokes and some popcorn, not that Alex had much of an appetite. Her stomach was flip-flopping in nervous excitement. She kept trying to decipher the situation. She was certain that Mark had asked her out to the cinema as a pity date. But a part of her wanted to believe it was something more, that maybe he actually liked her. She wished she could talk to someone about it, like Claire or her mom, but knew she couldn’t. For now, it had to be her secret, which meant she was alone in trying to decode the meaning of it all.

  “The movie can be pretty scary,” Mark warned as they settled into their seats. He was in his off-duty clothes, which consisted of jeans and a Ramones T-shirt. His face was slightly unshaven, which only added to his sexy demeanor. When they walked in, Alex fought the urge to link arms with him, eager to be close to him.

  “I think I can handle some old horror movie,” Alex whispered back to him. She turned her head to speak to him so that their lips were only inches apart. Her heart began to race at being so close to him. He smelt faintly of cigarettes and cologne. His smell was intoxicating. He hadn’t drowned himself in some scent like the guys at school did; he smelt like a man.

  “Just don’t scream,” Mark warned her fondly. “People in theatres don’t react well to screamers.”

  “If either of us is going to scream, it’s you,” Alex teased.

  ****

  The credits for the movie rolled. Alex had screamed four times throughout it, much to Mark’s amusement.

  “I can’t believe you laughed at me!” she scolded him as they walked out.

  “I can’t believe you screamed four times!” Mark retorted.

  “Well, it was shocked screaming. Not fear screaming.”

&nb
sp; “Sure.” Mark smiled.

  They walked out to the car and climbed in. Alex noticed how Mark seemed to be on edge, glancing nervously around the emptying parking lot.

  “Are you okay?” she asked him as she pulled on her seat belt.

  “Yeah, I just…” He glanced guiltily at her. “I’m just worried someone might see us and get the wrong idea,” he admitted. “People can be strange like that.”

  “Oh.” Alex felt deflated. He’d basically just confirmed to her that there were no romantic motivations to their outing; he’d simply been being kind. She felt stupid and naïve and suddenly just wanted to go home. It was the first time she’d ever longed to get back to the trailer park.

  “Did you like the movie?” Mark asked as he drove back towards Woodsdale.

  “Yeah.” Alex nodded. “It was much better than I thought. Like, it’s dated, but it’s still scary, which I guess is the point of a horror film, its ability to scare.”

  “Glad you enjoyed it.”

  Alex studied his profile in the dim light as he drove. He had a strong, square jaw, which led up to high cheekbones. He was so handsome, and also so kind. It was his kindness towards her that reminded her so painfully of her father. The way he’d bought everything for her at the theater. Guys in high school weren’t nearly as chivalrous. Alex wanted to believe that something more was going on, refusing to accept that any flirtations existed just in her own mind.

  “All-time favorite movie?” she asked Mark, who smiled briefly at her, clearly pleased with the question.

  “See, now that is a tough one,” he began. “But in all honesty, I’d have to say Shawshank Redemption.”

  “Overrated.”

  “What?” Mark gasped. “It’s the ultimate story of hope!”

  “But his situation is hopeless. At the end he’s on the run from the law, living in Mexico, which is obscenely dangerous thanks to the drug cartels, and the best years of his life are behind him.”

  “You’re a real glass half full kind of girl.” Mark laughed.

  “I’m just stating the obvious,” Alex told him flatly.