So back to the shopping escapade. We’d made it into the closest town and shared a nice lunch while catching up. Determined to be excited for my sister, I put on that same bright smile I always manage to accept my responsibility of being her maid of honor. After we’d been shopping for a few hours our cousin Addison wanted to snoop into Cammie’s business, asking her private details of how they fell in love.
I felt sick as I listened to her going on and on regarding the way Wes welcomed her into his life, as if he knew all along she was the one. What made it worse was how every once in a while Cammie would look at me, like she knew she was treading on thin ice. Here’s my issue, and the reason I know it’s time to move on…
We need space. All of us. I want to love and respect my sister and her family, not put a wedge between us I’m unable to ever get past. The longer I remain around my close knit family, the harder it is going to get for me. I’m not compartmentalized to handle this sort of blow. God says to forgive, but I have to be able to accept what I can’t change first.
Cammie got a scholarship to one of the most reputable colleges in the country, only to come home pregnant. Then she got accepted into the medical program at Duke, where she will have daycare for her daughter and be close to where she and Wes reside.
Cammie always wins.
For me, well I’m predictable. After high school, which I hated, I went into a cosmetology program so that I could work in the salon with my mother and aunt. I never have to leave the property to work, therefore life has become so monotonous I feel trapped.
It’s not just about my sister. I need a break from it all. I don’t know if I want to stand on my feet and cut hair for the rest of my life. What if something bigger is out there waiting for me and I’m too lazy to grab it?
I sniffle as another rumble of thunder shakes the front porch. While the family continues to laugh and carry on inside of the house, I’m fixated on a decision that has to be made.
The creak of the newly replaced screen door causes alarm because I know it means someone will find me in my depressed stupor. My brother comes waltzing toward me like he's up to no good. "Cal, what're you doing out here by yourself? The party is inside in case you're blind." He's got a beer in his hand and chugs the remainder down his throat as if he's dying of thirst. "Unless you came out here to pout."
"Screw you!" My tone must explain it enough. Josh gives me a look of disapproval.
"Put some big girl pants on and come inside."
I don't hesitate with my confession. "Josh, I need to get out of here."
"Well don't look at me to take you anywhere. I'm seven beers in."
I smile and appreciate he's being conscious and not wanting to hop in his truck while under the influence. "I don't mean now. I'm saying I need to leave for a while, move away."
"You're crazy." He's shaking his head while peering out at the dark star lit sky. "Your whole life is here, Cal. Your job is here. I'm here."
"Yeah, and Cammie and Wes and the baby. It's too much. I can't continue pretending to be happy."
"I thought we were over this bullshit. Besides, they don’t live here. You don’t have to see them every day."
"I am over it. I mean, I'm over wanting Wes. Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe I just can't help from wanting what they seem to have so easily. Maybe it’s my turn to find out if this is where I belong."
"It's not that simple," he defends. "Wes has always had something for Cam."
I roll my eyes. "It would have been nice to know that."
He cackles to himself. "You knew. Don’t be naïve or forget who you're talking to. You wanted Wes because of the challenge he presented. You were willing to sell yourself short to one up Cammie. You’ve always been in competition with her. That poor guy didn’t ask for this. He certainly didn’t want to come over and have to hide his feelings when Cammie showed back up. The funny thing is, before she came home, Wes wasn’t even on her radar. It happened, Cal. They love each other. They have a family now. You need to face the facts. You're being selfish like you always are. You lost, because you were never part of the equation. Now stop being such a bitch and get over it. Be happy for them. I think it’s cool as shit Wes will be my brother. Be happy for me at least."
Josh talks to me like this all the time. I suppose he knows me better than anyone. In the back of my mind I'm in denial. I don't want to admit he has a point. “You know, you can be such a dick.”
“I tell it like it is. Chicks don’t seem to mind.”
“How would you know? You don’t keep any around for long.” I needed that kick to his ego. My brother is a womanizer. He screws around like the apocalypse is near and he has a quota to fill. I try to stay focused on the topic we’re currently discussing.
"Starting over fresh would give me time to figure things out. I could go to Kentucky for a while, after the wedding of course. I'll talk to the family when everyone comes for the big day. It's not for forever, Josh. Mom will understand. She's watched me struggle lately. Maybe it's not all Cam and Wes. Maybe it's something else entirely that I'm unable to grasp. All I know is that I hate being stuck here. Even work is here on the ranch. I can't get away."
After I've explained, he stands leaning over the porch railing, seeming to be searching for the right things to say in response.
"Well, who the hell will I pick on without you around?"
"I'm sure you'll find someone. It's not for another couple months. You have time to replace me."
He turns and faces me, offering up a smile while continuing to shake his head. Lightening illuminates the sky behind him. "It won't be the same. There ain't going to be anyone left to cover for me."
I snicker. "You’re an adult, Josh. Maybe it's time we both did some growing up. You can't play video games and smoke pot in the barn all day. Dad and Uncle Ty need you out in the fields, especially since they bought those additional three hundred acres over the winter."
The ranch continues to prosper, granting all of us children sanctuary, but most importantly a place to always call home. I once thought everything I needed was here, but now I'm not so sure. I won’t know until I take a leap of faith and see what’s out there for me to explore.
“That might be true in your case, but I’m pretty much set here. If I screw up, Jake and Jax will manage. Let’s face it Callie, I’m the youngest. It’s my job to fuck up.”
I snicker. It’s not surprising this is my brother’s motto. Once a slacker, always a slacker. “Fine. I’m speaking solely on my behalf. Hell or high water, I’m out of here after the wedding, Josh.”
“Mom and Dad are going to flip, but whatever you’ve got to do. If you think the grass is greener somewhere else I ain’t going to stop you. Just promise I’ll be welcome wherever you end up. When the shit hits the fan I’ll need a place to crash.”
I mange a smile, though unsure of the future and what it might hold for me.
After my brother goes back inside, probably because he’s out of beer, I kick off my flip-flops and walk down the porch steps. The swing that hangs from the old maple out front is calling my name, even when I know another bout of torrential rain is about to wreak havoc from the sky.
For a few minutes I’m minding my own business, focused on the way the lightning crashes over the horizon. I don’t hear his voice until he’s too close to run away from. It’s Wes, and my stomach knots up the second I become sure of it.
Chapter 2
Callie
Wes speaks to me as if nothing has happened between us, even though every single time I look in his direction I see the time I threw myself at him, going as far as taking off my clothes to persuade him to come to bed with me. It seems like just yesterday, but it’s been so long everyone assumes I’ve forgotten the mistakes I made when it comes to him. We played together as kids. We used to spend the night in the back yard in tents, seeing who could stay up the longest. This is the guy we all cried for when his mom moved them away. We have history regardless who he bangs.
“
Everyone is in the dining room about to play some cards. Are you in?”
After the initial startle fades I’m left shaking my head. “No thanks. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet.”
Wes places his hands in his pockets and kicks around some grass at his feet. It’s easy to sense the tension. “Are things still weird between us, Cal? It’s been months, but you never talk to me.”
“To be honest, I don’t know when they haven’t been weird.”
“Come on. It was a long time ago.”
“Some things are left in our minds to haunt us until the day we die,” I remind him.
“You told your sister you were over this,” he counters.
I sigh. If he only understood how difficult it is to look up into his eyes and not want him for myself. Every single time he’d come around when we were growing up I’d fantasized about being with him. When I finally got the nerve to make it happen my sister swooped in and stole his heart, or claimed what was hers, according to everyone else. “I am. I don’t hate either one of you, but it’s still uncomfortable. That’s why I’ll be leaving after the wedding.” What better way to announce it than directly to Wes, where I hope to have a reaction that will lead me to stay.
I don’t get one.
“I’m sorry to hear that. You’re going to miss out on all Madison’s first.” Of course he’d bring the baby into it. He is a doting father, who’d do anything for his two girls, even make the peace with me to ensure it.
“I’m sure I’ll see pictures or videos. Wes, I’m not doing this because of you.” I can’t let him know how much his presence bothers me. “I’m doing this because it’s time I find my place in this big world. I never go anywhere. Aside from family vacations I’ve never been out of the confines of this ranch.”
“So you’ll be traveling?”
I shrug. “Maybe. I mean, I think it would be fun.”
“So you’d come back eventually?”
This time I offer an unsure grimace. “Possibly. It depends how much I like where I end up.”
“Your sister needs you. She loves you. You’re her best friend.”
My head is already moving from side to side after his first statement. “No. You are her best friend, Wes. You’re the person she turns to, and to be honest, I’m not the one she calls when she wants to vent about you. I’m the last person she’d do that with. Don’t you get it? No matter if I’m over this or not, it will continue to haunt me. I’ve lost my sister. She might be happy, and that’s great for her, but I’m miserable. I need new friends and a fresh start.”
“You’re deciding this now? Why not a few months ago? Why do you have to do this right before the wedding? Your sister will be devastated.”
“So don’t tell her.”
“I won’t be a part of a lie, especially right before I walk down the aisle.”
I point toward the house. “Then go in and be a little tattle box. I don’t give a shit anymore. My mind is made up. If Cammie doesn’t like it, I’ll leave sooner than later.”
I can tell he’s pissed. “What happened to you, Cal? You used to be the life of the party. You used to not let things get to you. I’ve watched you pick up dates like it was no big deal. Why now?”
“Maybe you ruined my life, Wes. I think I have to get as far away from you as possible. What I said at the hospital, well I was coaxed to do that by my parents. I didn’t want a truce. Every single time I hold Maddy, I wonder if she’s the real reason you’re with Cam.”
“She’s not,” he interrupts. “Don’t ever say that.”
“I guess I’ll never know. Run along.” I motion it with my hand. “Go tell your soul-mate how her evil sister plans on walking away. Go use my secret as another connection with my dad. You know you want to.”
“Your father and I have gotten past the bullshit, Cal. I’d never use your problems as a resource. Who do you take me for? You continue blaming me and Cam, but I never promised you a thing. I made it clear I wasn’t interested. This is all on you, and I won’t let you blame your sister for it. I told you before and I’ll say it again, it’s always been Cammie.”
I feel the bile rising in my throat. To be reminded of what I’ll never be only drives the dagger further into my heart. “I hate you, Wes,” I manage to whisper.
“Yeah, well I’m not too impressed by you either. If you plan on ruining my wedding you may as well leave now.”
Then I hear another voice. “Callie, Wes? What’s going on? You can’t leave.” Cammie is standing with her arms folding across her chest. I don’t need a light on to know she’s shocked by this argument she’s now walked into. “One of you better start explaining.”
Wes points at me. “She’s leaving, Cam. Right after the wedding. Apparently it’s all our fault.”
Drops of rain are starting to fall. For a few seconds we all look up at the sky as if we’d have a chance at pausing it until this feud is hashed out.
Cammie steps closer until she’s arm to arm with Wes. “Is that true?”
I nod.
I watch as her jaw tightens. I expect her to plead, but receive a kick to the gut when she doesn’t. “Maybe it’s for the best. You’re obviously not happy here. You don’t associate with us. You say you’ve gotten past this, but it’s evident you haven’t. I can’t worry about you on top of everything else I have going on, Callie. I’m in school full-time, raising a baby, and about to get married. I need you at my side, but if it’s too much I get it.”
I try to reassure her. “I’ll be there for the wedding, Cammie. I’ll regret it if I’m not.”
She fakes a smile. “I know.” Then she gives Wes all her attention. “The baby is getting fussy. I think we should call it a night.” There is a sense of struggle as she says it. She’s about to cry, and I want nothing more than to hold my sister in my arms and tell her we’ll get through this, even though I have no clue if it’s possible.
Instead, I watch as they walk away, leaving me to mope alone. My misery is obvious to everyone.
Chapter 3
Callie
Neither Josh or Cammie tell the family what we discussed outside. I watched my sister and Wes leave before heading back into the house, where I join in a game of cards and pretend nothing is wrong. I don’t want my parents to stress, or to have enough time to talk me out of this. For now there is peace at my house. Since I live with the person I also work with, it’s difficult to keep some things at bay, but I’ve learned to conceal my feelings instead of expressing them.
While everyone stays focused on the upcoming nuptials, I make plans with one of my friends in college to get away that following Friday. There is a huge Frat party happening where she attends in Pennsylvania and I’ve been promising I’ll make the trip at some point. What better time than while I’m needing to get away?
The week drags, and it’s worse while in the salon when every single client wants to talk about the huge wedding of Bank heir Wesley Parrish and the famous rancher’s daughter, soon-to-be doctor, Cammie Healy. I think I’ve rolled my eyes so many times they might pop out of the sockets.
The long drive to Pennsylvania gave me a lot of time to think about where I was headed with life. I’d have a clean slate, and with it I knew there was endless possibilities on my horizon. I made myself a promise for the pending weekend; one that would ensure my doubt about the future wouldn’t prevent me from having a blast.
I was going to have fun this weekend, with no regrets or limitations. This was my life and it was time I stopped dwelling on what I couldn’t change and embrace what the good Lord gave me to work with.
I’d never gone to college. School wasn’t something I ever enjoyed. I wanted to get through my senior year and never step foot in a learning establishment again. I wasn’t bullied or impaired, I just hated the atmosphere. People judged. Teachers found their jobs daunting instead of being a reward. I didn’t want to be in a certain group. I wanted to be friends with everyone. Popularity came easily, especially considering how many of my fa
mily members had attended before me, but being in the spotlight forced me to work extra hard. I had to always look my best and set an example. I was promiscuous, and did things to stay in the cool crowd. By the time graduation came I was tired. I wanted the fiasco to be done and over with, so I decided to become a hairdresser where the training was minimal and I could stay at home.
Now I’m considering that to be a mistake. I want to spread my arms and soar to another place, where I can be myself without my family standing in the way.
I passed the campus on the way to the house Alyssa shared with other students. Crowded with people who looked around my age, I envisioned one of them being me. I wondered if I could narrow down one thing I’d rather be doing with my life.
I spot her vehicle in a gravel driveway before pulling in behind it. I know I’ll probably have to move eventually for one of the other residents, but at least I’ve arrived in one piece. I no sooner climb out of my car and stretch to relieve the ache of the exhausting drive when I hear her voice approaching. “Callie Healy, don’t you look like a million bucks.”
I smile and accept her arms wrapping around me. “Lys, I missed you so much.”
“Me too. It’s been way too long. I’m glad you’re here. We’re going to tear some shit up this weekend.” Alyssa likes to party. I remember telling my mom I was staying at her house and her doing the same, all so we could sneak out and do whatever we could get into. We mostly drank beer and caused minor mischief. We once snuck to the beach and hooked up with a group of guys who lived there year round. We were both sixteen and told the guys we were eighteen. It was my first and only experience with cocaine, which ended with me waking up naked next to someone I didn’t know.
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