“Listen, Eve, are you going to be around tonight?” I wondered. “I’m planning on taking questions at the end, and I might be able to use someone a little smarter than me waiting in the wings.”
“Sure honey, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
She patted me on the arm as she continued on her way, and I stepped inside the room to join Cole as he pretended to unzip the bag.
“Hey, I thought I told you to leave that alone.”
Giving me a sheepish grin, he shrugged his shoulders. “I just want to know what’s inside. Come on, is it the red dress?”
“I wouldn’t tell you one way or the other,” I insisted, crossing my arms. He squinted his eyes closed and crossed his fingers.
“Please be the red dress,” he whispered.
Standing on my tiptoes, I kissed him quickly before he had a chance to open his eyes, and he rewarded me with a smile. “You’re doing it again today, you know.”
“Huh?” I asked. “Doing what?”
“Staring at me,” he said with a laugh. “Please don’t stop. I love it.”
Glancing down at my phone, I noted the time before I looked back up into his eyes. “Well, you’re in luck, because I have exactly one hour to stare at you – starting now.”
-§-
I imagined that being announced for the conference would be a lot like being announced at Almost Midnight with Jamie Price, but it was nowhere close. When they broadcasted my name that night, those ladies went half-crazy clapping and cheering, and I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and strolled out onto the stage. Part of me expected to see Rosalie and Liz front and center, or Cole sitting off to the side, but much to my relief, I could see no one I knew. Only thousands and thousands of unfamiliar faces looking at me expectantly. What they wanted from me that evening I would never fully know, but finally – finally – I knew exactly who I was.
“Hi,” I offered rather quietly into the microphone I was holding, smiling as I glanced across the crowd. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw myself on those large screens overhead, and I grimaced a bit. “Wow, I’m huge. Seriously, huge. I really should have tamed my hair a bit. Eve Morgan got the sweet accent from Texas, and somehow I got its hair.” Turning, I looked at myself again on the screen, shaking my head. Seeing Cole’s face would have been priceless at that moment, taking in my faded boyfriend jeans, black suede platform heels, and a white blazer atop his black Poison t-shirt, but since I couldn’t witness it myself, I had to imagine his surprise in my mind.
“Well, let me introduce myself,” I continued. “Once upon a time, another lifetime ago, I was known as C.W. Oliver.” Walking to the left of the stage, I looked way up to the back of the auditorium and swept my eyes across the expectant faces. “That name was completely me, borne out of grief and fear, and it became a hiding place. When I wrote my first novel, I believed I had talent, but that someone like me wouldn’t be taken seriously. So, I created the pen name to provide a path to my success. C and W are my initials, Camdyn Willa, and Oliver was my grandmother’s maiden name.
“The name that had been designed to protect me eventually caged me, though, and I was too afraid to escape that shadow. I would travel to do my research, introducing myself as a college student or a tourist, and people didn’t pay much attention to me. The problem was, I began having to hide my true identity in order to protect the fake identity, and as you can imagine, that often was difficult.
“Then, as you probably know, this June, my identity was made public. Those readers who had previously known me as C.W. Oliver were suddenly given a glimpse of Camdyn Taylor, through wacky television appearances and a letter in my book. Of course, when that happened, you were also made aware of the viral videos that had been previously posted showcasing a random curly-haired blonde who was now suddenly a best-selling novelist.
“If I’m being completely honest, though, I would have to tell you that I’m not Camdyn Taylor, either.” A hushed whisper filtered across the room, and I lowered myself to a partially-seated position on a stool in the center of the stage.
“My name is Camdyn Willa Parker. It’s the perfect name, in my opinion. Camdyn was the name given me after my mother’s family. Willa was a name spanning several generations on my dad’s side of the family. And Parker – that’s the name that was given to me by the most incredible man I’ve ever met, when he asked me to be his wife. This is the name I’m proud of – Camdyn Willa Parker.”
Stepping down from the stool, I took a pausing breath as I looked out at the crowd once more, moving toward the front of the stage. “Is it okay… Do you all mind if I plant myself right here? Can you still see me? I feel way too formal, and I just want us to have a chat.” Delivering my bottom half to the top step, I glanced behind me and was content that I was still on those screens.
“So, Camdyn Willa Parker, right? That has been my name since the first of June. My books mistakenly came out with the name Camdyn Taylor - and they may have the name Camdyn Taylor for all eternity - but I am proud of my real name, because it represents everything I have grown to love. The Parker family has embraced me. I adore them, and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone other than Cole Parker.
“This, then, is the story of Camdyn Parker,” I began, smiling at a young woman of about sixteen in the front row. “It’s a short story, so don’t be worried. This is not one of my full-length novels.” Someone a few rows back held up a copy of Crossing Heartbreak, and I laughed quietly. “I was writing that book when I met my husband, so it’s relevant,” I joked. As I waited for the tittering to stall, I bit my lip, looking down at the ground for a moment.
“Cole Parker made me the most enviable woman alive on June first of this year. We had a good, long week of a honeymoon before life took over, and with me, that meant book research and tracking down mysteries, and eventually television appearances to promote my book. Through those media appearances, I really didn’t feel well, and it never occurred to me until the makeup artist at Almost Midnight with Jamie Price began talking about her monthlies that I hadn’t had mine in a while. In my heart I think I knew almost immediately, but it was several days later when I took the test and knew for sure.
“Let me tell you, you haven’t seen someone get excited until you tell my husband that he’s going to be a dad.” I laughed as I recalled the memory. “He was so, so happy, and I – well, I was nervous, because it hadn’t been that long ago that I had been Camdyn Taylor. I had my doubts about whether she could be a good mother. Some days I had my doubts about whether she should be admitted into public places, to be completely honest.” Rising from the step, I took a few paces over to the right side of the stage. “Is it weird that I’m so fidgety? I bet Eve didn’t do this, did she? No, wait – I was locked in the bathroom with her for a while yesterday, and she’s pretty spunky, so I bet she never sits down. That didn’t sound right, being locked in the bathroom with her, did it? Help me remind her to tell you that story later – her bathroom story with the grunting, and the thing…”
Chuckling, I covered my mouth. “Eve, I’m making it worse! Sorry, wherever you are!”
“That’s okay, I’ll pay you back later!” I heard her yell from behind the stage.
“So, where was I?” I wondered aloud.
“In the bathroom with Eve!” someone shouted.
“No, no, before that!” I exclaimed, shaking my head. “Oh, yeah, so we were going to have a baby. He wanted so badly for me to be excited about it, and I would have moments where I was, honestly, but I was scared too. I had been in the delivery room when my nephew Cooper was born. Those are some memories I still try to repress. Traumatic. I can’t forget them.
“Then, this miraculous thing happened, and I can’t wait to tell you about it,” I said, eyes wide as I rocked to my tiptoes. “We were in the doctor’s office, and they have this thing called a Fetal Doppler, I think. You have to have a Fetal Doppler ladies, let me tell you. Even if it’s only to listen to the swishing sound in your intesti
nes, it is so darn cool.” A gentle chorus of laughter went through the auditorium, and I winked at one lady in particular who was nodding her head.
“That lady gets it,” I stated, pointing her out. “She’s listened to her own intestines, I can tell.”
Taking advantage of the laughter continuing, I pulled a bottle of water from the nearby lectern and took a long sip, waiting for quiet.
“Back to the miraculous thing,” I continued. “Cole and I were in the doctor’s office, and he was acting a bit like a hypochondriac adolescent, but that’s beside the point. We were just there, and life was what it had been, and then the Fetal Doppler…” Pausing, I widened my eyes for effect. “The doctor pressed the Fetal Doppler to my abdomen, and the intestines were swishing and all that, but then – complete perfection – the heartbeat of my baby filled the room.” I broke for a second as tears filled my eyes. “That heartbeat connected with mine on a soul level. That was my baby, and in that instant, I really fully embraced the fact that I was going to be a mother.”
The auditorium fell eerily quiet, and I crossed one arm over my abdomen as I gazed at the tan carpeting for a few seconds.
“Life continued, with the two of us excited about our baby, and just enjoying our new normal together,” I began again. “I had one slight problem, though. My friend Sara and my sister-in-law Rachel were pregnant, too, and they were ahead of me. Naturally, when I heard that they were going to find out the gender of their respective babies, I was happily delighted for them and wished them the best while I waited patiently.” Clearing my throat against my fist, I shook my head. “No, that’s not the way it happened. I went insanely jealous and simply had to find out what gender my baby was, so I searched until I found a little place that agreed to give me an ultrasound. I had to name-drop Jamie Price three times to get them to agree to the ultrasound. Three times! That’s how hard core this thing was.
“Anyway, Cole and I went to the ultrasound appointment, and I was lying there waiting for the ultimate reveal, and one of two words, right? You either want to hear girl or boy, but nothing else. Especially not that your baby is dead.” Taking a deep breath, I fiddled with the microphone for a second. “Yet, that’s all that awaited us that day. From one ultrasound tech, to a second, and then ultimately to the doctor. And you don’t want to believe it, because there’s a chance they could be wrong, isn’t there? So they say they can help you, but you can’t let them with that chance being even the slimmest of a possibility. You end up walking away with a broken heart and a dead baby inside you.”
Some of the women in front of me were sniffing, and I realized at that moment how hard it would be to get through what I was trying to say.
“It took many days…” Forcing a deep breath, I made another attempt. “It took many days before I had the baby, at home and very alone. And that was my fault, because I didn’t want anyone around me.” Swallowing hard, I looked up at the ceiling. “She was small. So small, she fit completely in my hand. She looked perfect, though, to me.” Reaching up, I swiped at a tear that had escaped my right eye.
“While my friends were finding out the genders of their babies, we were choosing a name so we could give her a marker when we placed her in the ground. I wrote the words to a poem and placed them in the box with her: ‘Neither the angels in heaven above, nor the demons down under the sea, can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee.’”
Taking a moment, I meandered across the stage, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Only the sound of a couple nervous coughs could be heard in the room, and I lifted the microphone slowly.
“We buried Annabel Lee Parker at the back of our property, in a place that now holds my fondest and darkest memories. In my grief, I withdrew from everyone. The best intended comments stabbed me in the heart, and I didn’t want to hear them anymore. You’ll have other babies, people would say. Thank goodness it happened now, so you won’t find out something was wrong later. The timing must not have been right.
“Those comments tore me apart, because I wanted Annabel, not other babies. I wanted her even if something wasn’t perfect about her, and if the timing was so wrong, why did God allow me to be pregnant at all?” Hearing my voice crack, I paused to regroup. “The thing is, nobody said things like that when my grandfather died a couple weeks before. Nobody said that I could find another old man to fill my heart. Nobody said it was a good thing he passed away, in case he was about to get sick. They simply said, ‘I’m sorry.’
“You see, people don’t understand what to say when you have a miscarriage, because to them your baby is just an abstract idea.” A young man quietly eased out from the side of the stage and handed me a tissue, and I attempted a smile as I took it from him and dabbed at my eyes. “Because they can’t see your baby, and he or she is not tangible to them, you’re just having some unfortunate medical problem. I’m here to tell you, I saw my baby. I held her in my hands. She was real, and her soul is locked with mine forever. I wouldn’t have traded her. I didn’t care whether she was perfect. I was her mother, and I still am.”
People began to clap, and I saw Eve poke her head around the corner to see if she needed to intervene, but I waved her away.
“That’s where I was,” I said over the clapping, pausing momentarily. “That’s where I was when I arrived here yesterday – angry, hurt, and grieving. Feeling like God had abandoned me.
“Last night, I sat in here for a short while and I listened to Eve talking about Moses leading his people out of Egypt. She was talking about them wandering around in the wilderness, and I will admit that I didn’t stay in here long. That story always manages to tick me off. I mean, you look at those people, delivered by God, witnessing miracles every day, and they can’t keep their faith for a few lousy days while Moses is on the mountain? They’re pathetic.
“And I was in my dressing room back there, completely broken – down on my knees, crying out for answers, when suddenly it dawned on me that I was exactly like them. The past several months have brought me nothing but miraculous occurrences: I’m married to a wonderful man. I found my family. My mom is back in my life. But I couldn’t see any of them, because I couldn’t process this loss through my own narrow view of the world.”
Stepping back to the stool, I leaned against it once more, propped on one leg. “I’m going to be brutally honest with you all tonight.” I breathed heavily into that microphone, biting my lip nervously. “I might never understand what happened to my baby on this side of heaven, but that’s okay. I’m not saying I won’t hurt anymore, because I can’t make that promise, but I can choose what I do with the pain. It’s not going to defeat me anymore, and I’m not going to keep carrying it alone, because I’ve got an awful lot of living left to do, and it’s about time I got to doing it.”
That place erupted into a frenzy of clapping, and I stood back as I waited, watching some of the women wipe their eyes. Eve came out to join me, and she put her arm protectively around my waist. As the crowd began to calm down, I brought the microphone up once again.
“I think I’m being handled, because Eve thinks I’m going off the deep end, but I want to talk to you all about all the great things that have happened to me, too.” I laughed as Eve gave me a slight squeeze. “I want to tell you how I found the story for my latest book, and how I met my husband, and why I’m wearing this Poison t-shirt. Is that okay?”
Cheering continued, and I waited patiently as Eve gave me a little smile and backed away.
“Well, if you want to hear the rest of the story, it goes something like this: It was a dark and stormy night…”
-§-
After I had finished regaling the crowd with tales of my courtship with the man who held my heart, I opened the floor for questions. We only had about an hour remaining, and there were so many people who stood up that there was no way we could get to them all.
One asked whether I would release my older novels under my real name. Another wanted to know how many citie
s I had lived in. A lady asked how many miles I jogged every week. Yet another asked a question about the document that finally enlightened Willa’s history in my last book.
“What will your next book be?” a woman in the top right asked when the microphone was passed toward her.
“It’s about a young German-American girl named Etta Rose during World War I,” I stated. “I think you’re going to love her story.”
“Your speech tonight was so inspiring, Camdyn, when I get home I’m going to call my mother,” a tear-thickened voice said. “I haven’t spoken to her in six years.”
“That’s so great,” I said sincerely. “You made my night.”
“Have you thought about writing your own story?” a short, gray-haired woman near the front left wanted to know.
Laughing, I shook my head. “No, I guess not. Do you think I should?” Clapping rang out through the seats, and I smiled as I awaited the next question.
“We’ve just got time for one more,” an emcee stated as he passed the microphone to a waiting hand. When no one spoke for a moment, I scanned the audience expectantly.
“Hello sweetheart.” Smiling, I turned towards Eve where she stood next to me.
“Look at that,” I said, pointing to my arm as I drew up the sleeve of my blazer. “Can you tell I’m in love with that man? I heard his voice and instantly I have goose bumps.”
People started clapping, because they had just listened to me gush on and on about him for over an hour, so it seemed fitting that he would eventually show up. When he meandered to the foot of the stairs that led to the stage, though, I couldn’t help but smile. His purple button-down shirt was rolled up to his elbows, and it was the same color as the tie he had worn at our wedding. Had I not just been thinking about our past I might have missed that fact, but the fresh memory was stuck in my mind at that moment.
For No Reason (The Camdyn Series Book 4) Page 30