VIRGINIA: (Thrilled.) Oh, are you a sharpshooter?
PERCY: Me? No, no, I’m in the Infantry, mounted at present.
CECILIA: Infant? Infant? A regiment of very young men?
PERCY: No, no, — Those on foot — Anyone on foot.
CECILIA: Oh girls, then we’re all infantries. (Laughs.)
VIRGINIA: HOW perfectly romantic!
MRS. D.: HOW do you like the army, Mr. Altwater.
PERCY: Very well, except for the servants. You know, they object to my keeping two valets. Isn’t it outrageous? I started out with a manicure lady but she eloped with my footman. Then my groom drank some of that bully Kentucky whiskey, and alas I don’t know where he is now!
VIRGINIA: How deliciously sentimental! Come, would you not like to see the place?
PERCY: I’d love to. (Extends arm to Virginia.) It reminds me of an old shooting lodge I’ve got up in Suffolk.
(Exit Percy and Virginia.)
CHARLEY: Well Mother, we’re rich. Our cavalry company fell in with a Yankee commissary train and here are twelve thousand dollars Union money. That’s shoes, guns, and what not for our whole division. Looks good to us. I’m acting commissary since old Wilkins was shot. Twelve thousand! That helps along.
LINDY: HOW long can you stay, Charley?
CHARLEY: Five minutes more. The division has passed now, and the Union advance is right behind us. But where is Father?
(Enter Judge Douglas, wheeled by Jeff.)
JUDGE D.: My son!
CHARLEY: Father! (They clasf hands.)
JUDGE Well, I’m mighty glad to see you. You don’t look any the worse for wear.
CHARLEY: I’ve been fine — A little scratch on my forehead — Nothing to speak of.
GIRLS and MRS. D.: Oh!
CHARLEY: Hardly drew blood, I assure you.
JUDGE D.: Charley, you are just in time to tell your sister what kind of a man Jim Holworthy is. He’s been sending her flowers.
CHARLEY: Jim Holworthy been sending Lindy flowers? Why Lindy, do you know that that man is a rank quitter? He’s a stay-at-home!
The day we organized our company he refused to join, and wouldn’t give any reason. He’s — he’s — why — if he does it again I’ll take him out and horsewhip him!
LINDY: There, there, Charley, your little sister is quite old enough to take care of herself. Mr. Holworthy has just enlisted at my bidding.
CHARLEY: I didn’t know he had the nerve.
JUDGE D.: Oh, so you’ve seen him lately, have you? I’ll cane him!
LINDY: There, Father, it’s all right.
JUDGE D.: But I tell you it isn’t all right! He can’t —
(Enter Percy.)
(Exit Judge Douglas and Jeff.)
PERCY: Charley old sport, we’d better be going. We’re behind the column now, and the Yankee outriders are not far behind.
CHARLEY: I reckon you’re right, Percy.
PERCY: You’ll excuse us, Mrs. Douglas. You know, General Lee really needs me. I fancy he’s wondering now where I am. I’m rather the power behind the throne, you know.
CHARLEY: Well, goodbye Celia; goodbye LindyJ goodbye Mother.
PERCY: Good afternoon Mrs. Douglas. Sorry I haven’t a card with me.
(Enter Judge Douglas and Jeff.)
JEFF: Mistah Charley, dere’s a squad of Yanks jumpin’ over the fence down by de cow pasture and comin’ up here right pert!
CHARLEY: All right, Jeff. You haven’t a few cigars, Father? We don’t get such luxuries.
JUDGE D.: Here — Help yourself.
CHARLEY: (Takes cigars.) Here, Percy.
PERCY: If I may. (Also takes cigars.)
MRS. D.: DO hurry, Charley; I’m so afraid.
CHARLEY: Goodbye everyone. Come on Percy.
(Exit Charley and Percy.)
(Sound of hoof beats. Voice outside.)
Hey, halt there! (Two shots fired.)
MRS. D.: Oh!
CECILIA: (At window.) They’re safe. Charley is waving his hat.
MRS. D.: Oh, thank God for that!
CECILIA: Some Yanks are coming across the yard.
JUDGE D.: Oh, if I wasn’t a cripple! Oh!!
(Door of ens — )
(Enter Caftain Ormsby with Privates.)
CAPT. O.: Good morning. (No answer.) You don’t seem sociable. Well, don’t answer then, but listen. A few officers will have to be quartered on you tonight. I’m sorry, lady — I thought I’d prepare you. It’s a disagreeable duty.
LINDY: We need no sympathy from Yanks.
MRS. D.: None at all.
CECILIA: I think I’ll be going home, Mrs. Douglas.
LINDY ) Goodbye, Celia.
CECILIA: Goodbye.
(Exit Cecilia.)
CAPT. O.: (Looking at Judge Douglas in chair.) What’s this? A Southerner and not at war?
JUDGE D.: Your remarks, sir, are entirely out of place. I’ll have you know, sir, that I — I —
LINDY: My father is paralyzed from his waist down.
CAPT. O.: I see. Well, you may expect the officers for dinner.
MRS. D.: If we must, we must. How many?
CAPT. O.: Four.
MRS. D.: The pantry is open — They can serve themselves. I will wait on no Yankees.
CAPT. O.: By the way, who were those two Rebs that rode away just as we came up?
JUDGE D.: That is our affair.
CAPT. O.: There’re a pesky lot of cavalrymen. They robbed a commissary train this morning, and cost Uncle Sam twelve thousand in greenbacks.
JUDGE D.: That doesn’t concern me in the slightest. Jeff, wheel me out. Come on, Mary.
(Exit Judge Douglas, Mrs. Douglas, and Jeff.)
CAPT. O.: I’ll put a guard in front of the house, Miss Douglas, to keep the soldiers from annexing food.
LINDY: As you please.
(Exit Captain Ormsby.)
LINDY: (Goes to table and picks up work. Under it she finds the money. She hides it under cover.)
JIM: (Outside.) I don’t know any countersign — I ain’t ever been behind a counter anyhow. I ain’t no clerk.
PRIVATE WILLINGS: (Outside.) I tell you you can’t pass.
(Enter Jim Holworthy, followed by Private Willings.)
LINDY: Well, Mr. Holworthy, did you did it? Did you en —
JIM: Hobble gobble gobble!
LINDY: Why, what’s the matter? I only wanted to know if you en —
JIM: Hobble gobble!
PRIVATE W.: What’s the matter? Is this some plot?
JIM: No. You see, she’s got a cold, and she wanted me to go to the drugstore and get her a mustard plaster.
LINDY: Why —
JIM: For her dog. You see, she’s fond of the dog, and it caught the cold.
LINDY: Mr. Holworthy, it’s no such thing — I just wanted to know if you — if you —
JIM: Aber-ca-daber!
PRIVATE W.: This is treason. I heard him say, “I could have had you.” You’re a spy.
JIM: No, I ain’t.
LINDY: This man isn’t a spy — He’s just afraid to go to war.
PRIVATE W.: Well, I’ll believe you, mum. But don’t let me see you snooping around here, Rube!
(Exit Private Willings.)
JIM: Did you hear what he called me? Come back here, you — I’ll show him. I’ll — I’ll — (Makes motion of stabbing.)
(Enter Private Willings.)
PRIVATE W.: Did you call?
JIM: Me? No, I didn’t call. Me? Oh, oh, I didn’t call.
PRIVATE W.: Excuse me, lady.
(Exit Private Willings.)
LINDY: Well, did you enlist?
JIM: Almost. I tossed a coin to see which army I’d join.
LINDY: Horrors! Who won?
JIM: Don’t be afraid, the South won me.
LINDY: And did you enlist?
JIM: Well, the recruiting officer had fled south with the Southern army, so I thought I’d try the Yanks, but they had a picture in a book on the tab
le —
LINDY: A picture?
JIM: All blood. It was a battle. And — and then I realized that I’d better wait and join the other side, so I told the man to wait for me.
LINDY: Mr. Jim Holworthy, never speak to me again! I told my family I had influenced you to enlist, and — and — they believed me, and now you didn’t! I think you are contemptible —
JIM: Excuse me.
(Enter Judge Douglas wheeled by Jeff.)
JUDGE D.: What’s this? What’s this? Tell me, what’s this? On my honor it’s the worm!
JIM: Worm?
JUDGE D.: You impertinent young scamp, calling on my daughter.
I’ll — I’ll cane you! Jeff — my cane! Wheel me at him! (Jeff starts to wheel and Jim retreats.)
JIM: Oh Judge Douglas, be reasonable.
LINDY: Father, you’ll have a fit! Remember your liver is in poor condition.
JIM: Look out, Judge, there ain’t anything like a good liver.
JUDGE D.: What do you know about my liver? Lindy did you ever mention my liver to him?
LINDY: Never, Father — (Cautioning.) But your liver —
JUDGE D.: Bother my liver.
JIM: Well, don’t bother me.
(Enter Angelina.)
ANGELINA: A family disagreement? How perfectly shocking. Our family never squabble.
JUDGE D.: What’s this? Do you, young lady, mean to dictate to me in my own house? —
LINDY: GO slow, Father.
ANGELINA: Oh the Bangs in me is rising. Oh can I stop it? Can I?
(Struggle.) There. I have conquered it. Angeline stands victorious.
JUDGE D.: What’s this? Bangs, Angelina? Why the Bangs in you is the best part of you. Why Georgie Bangs ever married that patron saint mother of yours beats me. And you (turning to Jim), you’re a pair — I can’t control myself — I’ll burst! Wheel me out Jeff — No, don’t! Go ahead! Young sir — Stop! If I ever — Keep going! — see you again — Stop I say! I’ll — I’ll thrash you —
(Exit Judge Douglas, growling, wheeled by Jeff.)
ANGELINA: His words are blasphemous. I am shocked. I will return home and pray that he will never regret this moment. (Exit.)
JIM: (Sings.) “Throw out the life line.” He ain’t pleasant somehow. You know, he doesn’t love me.
LINDY: NO he doesn’t. (Whistle heard outside.) That’s my brother’s whistle that we used when we were children. He’s — he’s in the house! He’s coming back! Heavens!! And the Yankees everywhere. Oh Charley, Charley. (Whistles.) Where’s the sentry?
JIM: On the other end of the veranda.
(Enter Charley.)
LINDY: Charley, what brings you here? The Yankees are all around the house. There is a guard on the doorstep. Oh go, before it is too late.
CHARLEY: I came back for —
JIM: (Stepping up.) Howdy do, Charley.
(Charley snubs him.)
CHARLEY: So this is your resource when your friends are in the army? — this — this stay-at-home!
LINDY: We won’t quarrel now.
CHARLEY: I’m sorry, Lindy. But I must hurry. I mislaid that money. Where is it?
LINDY: Here it is. (Gets money from under cover.) Take it and go!
(Voice outside.)
CAPT. O.: Has no one gone in or out?
LINDY: (TO Charley, motioning him to door.) Quick! Go out here.
(Exit Charley.)
(Enter Captain Ormsby.)
CAPT. O.: Good morning, Miss Douglas; my duty is most unpleasant. There is a man concealed here. My sergeant saw a horseman ride through the gap and leave his horse in the woods. He was seen entering here.
LINDY: I’m afraid you are mistaken.
CAPT. O.: I sincerely hope so. Still, I am forced to assure myself of it.
LINDY: There is no one here.
CAPT. O.: You will kindly stand aside. It is hardly my pleasure to disobey a lady.
(Enter Charles Douglas, revolver in hand.)
CHARLEY: I will save you that trouble. Hands up, Captain.
CAPT. O.: (Raises hands.) I have men at this very doorstep. I have but to raise my voice.
CHARLEY: And you’ll be raising it with the angel chorus, or as you are a Yankee, contrarywise, if you say another word.
LINDY: Charley, what shall I do? (Pulling him to side.)
CHARLEY: (Aside to Lindy.) I’ll have to hide here. Get him out of here first. (To Yankee.) Yank, right about face. You walk from here right down to the gate without looking behind. A sign to your men and you go — (Still pointing pistol at him.)
CAPT. O.: Your chances are one in a million.
CHARLEY: NO remarks. March!
(Exit Captain Ormsby.)
LINDY: Quick — open this. (Pointing to chest.) Charley, quick — get in. Now slam that door, (to Jim)
(Voices heard outside, and tramping.)
CAPT. O.: Here they are.
(Enter Capt. Ormsby, Private Willings, and Private Barkis.)
Quick — Through the house! He can’t get away.
(Exit Privates.)
(Turning to Jim.) So you’re a pal of his, are you? In plain clothes — You’ll swing for this. He’s in uniform — lucky beggar.
JIM: NO, I ain’t.
CAPT. O.: And you, young lady, may have to eat prison fare for a while. This is high treason.
LINDY: YOU dare — you —
JIM: Let him alone, Miss Lindy. He’ll get mad.
(Enter Private Willings.)
PRIVATE W.: NO trace of him, sir. Three men are still searching. He must be here.
CAPT. O.: I’ll get that fresh Reb. Where is he? — Tell me!
LINDY: Do you think you can frighten me?
CAPT. O.: Here is a man we can. (Going towards Jim.) If you are wise you will say.
JIM: I — I — he —
LINDY: Jim!
CAPT. O.: Where is he?
JIM: I don’t know.
CAPT. O.: (To soldier.) Give this fellow a lash or two and then — Well, there are ropes in camp.
(Soldier grabs Jim.)
JIM: Don’t! I — I —
CAPT. O.: Hurry.
LINDY: Jim!
JIM: I — oh, I can’t!
CAPT. O.: Away with him.
JIM: Stop! I’ll tell. He’s — he’s in there. (Pointing to chest. Soldier springs to it and takes out Charley.)
CHARLEY: YOU damn coward!
CAPT. O.: (To Jim.) Here — Here’s a quarter. Southern manhood!
LINDY: (Crying.) Goodbye Charley. Oh, my brother.
CHARLEY: I’m only a prisoner of war, Lindy.
CAPT. O.: Right about face — March!
(Exit Captain Ormsby, Charles Douglas and Private Willings.)
JIM: Gee, they’re taking him away! They almost took me. Well, that’s over. What’s the matter? Why — why — you ain’t mad, are you, Miss Lindy? I — I — oh, I see, I shouldn’t have told, but I didn’t know. I didn’t — as God sees me, I didn’t! I was afraid. Speak to me, Miss Lindy. I just had to tell! Oh, don’t think I’m a — traitor. Don’t, Miss Lindy — Don’t! — oh don’t! (Stiffens “p.) I reckon I see now. I’m a — a what he called me, a coward!
(Pause.) Goodbye, I’m going now, south to the army. I see now, I’m — I’m — Goodbye, Miss Lindy — Goodbye.
(Lindy turns and leaves him without an answer.)
(Curtain.)
ACT II
(Scene same as Act I, and three years later.)
(Curtain rises showing Jeff setting table. He gets milk in a jug and fills two glasses half full. Then he gets water jug and fills up the rest of the glasses. Surveys his table. Places four crackers at plates. Then puts flowers in center. Something is lacking so he removes four flowers and places them at each plate. Surveys table again with satisfaction.)
Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated) Page 369