Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)

by F. Scott Fitzgerald

MME.: If there is money in it.

  MR. W.: Well if there should be by any chance a ghost in this house do you think you could argue with it with your second sight — er — persuade it to shift its base of operations, discourage it, give it a cash bonus — anything to get rid of it. I can’t afford to have a ghost around here.

  MME.: IS it violent?

  MR. W.: HOW should I know, do you think I wrestle with it?

  MME.: YOU want me to make sure if there is one?

  MR. W.: Exactly. I want you to stay in the house tonight. I am sure the ghost would be open to an agreement of some kind.

  MME.: NO doubt, no doubt, and what would I get?

  MR. W.: Money, money, everybody wants it. I wish it was all in Hades.

  MME.: Peter, I see you are still profane. Some day you will have an apparition or something and that will cure you.

  MR. W.: Well, be sure I’ll fully recompense you. Is it a bargain?

  MME.: Very well.

  MR. W.: We will go to my study to arrange the details of the hunt.

  (They go out — the bell rings. Hulda shows in Josephus and Clara. Cecile and Dickie enter from the opposite side.)

  DICK: Ah, Mr. Hendrix and Miss King!

  CEC.: Cousin Josephus!

  CLARA: How do you do, Mr. Wetherby and Miss Wetherby, I suppose?

  JO.: Ah, good evening, good evening! Tee hee, your father, eh, where is the sly old fox?

  DICK: Let us show you to your rooms first, you must be tired.

  This way, sir.

  (They all go out left.)

  (Enter William Chapman. He wears an overcoat and a slouch hat.)

  WILL: (Calls.) Auntie, oh, Miss Spigot. (Takes of his coat and hat, disclosing a devil suit such as those worn at masquerades.) Well that was the slowest dance and I felt like a fool in this costume. (Sits down.) Oh, it’s good to be home. I wonder where Auntie is. (Enter Hulda.) Oh, just tell your mistress I am here. (Hulda screams and rushes out.) Well, I’ll be darned. Is the woman crazy? I wonder where I could get a drink of water. I think I’ll explore.

  (Exit on left. Enter Hulda from right. She turns on the light.)

  HULDA: Well, for the love of St. Olaf, I must have been dreaming. I bane thought I saw Old Nick himself. Oh, my heart’s beating like when Ole kissed me last night. What’s this? Mr. Wetherby’s hat and coat. I’ll take them to his room.

  (Picks u-p Will’s hat and coat and goes out. Enter Will.)

  WILL: Hello, someone turned the lights on. I wonder where my aunt is. This looks strange. Why, what’s this picture, and this, and where are all the old ones? (Walks around.) Why this doesn’t look familiar. I wonder if it could be the wrong house. No, the cabby told me this was 225 Greenbriar Street. Let’s see if I have the address right. (Takes card jrom pocket.) What — what — what — 225 Greenwood Place? Good Heavens, I am in the wrong house. (Looks around frantically.) Where is that coat? Oh Lord, it’s gone, and me in this costume. I say, I must find my coat.

  (Exit on left. Enter Clara and Josephus on right.)

  JO.: Well, Clara, how do you like the house?

  CLARA: Oh, it’s so so. But I don’t see that it’s any better than the one we have now, unless you want more room.

  JO.: (Not hearing.) Hey?

  CLARA: I say unless you want room.

  JO.: Wash room? Where, I don’t see it.

  CLARA: NO I say, why do you want this house?

  JO.: Ah yes, well I’ll tell you a secret. The Red Wing, Stillwater and Minneapolis Railroad Company are going to put a spur through here, and they will have to buy this property. I thought if I could get the house cheap it would be a good investment to snap it up quick.

  CLARA: Why, I don’t think that is a bit nice.

  JO.: Hey?

  CLARA: I say that isn’t very nice.

  JO.: Ah yes, yes, it is very nice. And that isn’t all. If I can prove that the house is haunted it will greatly decrease its value and I can insist on a very low price.

  CLARA: What do you mean?

  JO.: Simply this — I went to a costumer yesterday and bought a devil suit, red cloth with horns and all, you know. While I am here I shall prowl around in this suit and let some of the people see me. Then I’ll insist the house is haunted. He! He!

  CLARA: Why, this is criminal, I won’t allow it.

  JO.: You must remember you are my ward.

  CLARA: Well, please do not cheat these people.

  JO.: Tut, tut, child! —

  (Enter Mr. Wetherby.)

  MR. W.: Well, Cousin Josephus, how are you, stingy as ever?

  JO.: Hey, Cousin Peter?

  MR. W.: I say, are you stingy as ever?

  JO.: I don’t quite hear you.

  MR. W.: I see you don’t.

  JO.: Hey? Oh yes, this is my ward, Miss Clara King.

  MR. W.: How de do, Miss King.

  CLARA: HOW do you do.

  (Enter Dickie.)

  MR. W.: (TO Jo.) And now you and I can go in the library and talk business, Cousin Josephus.

  JO.: Surely, ah —

  MR. W.: (Crossing to Dickie.) Amuse little Miss King, won’t you, Dickie?

  DICK: (Dejectedly.) I suppose I’ll have to.

  (Exit Wetherby and Josephus.)

  DICK: (Crossing to Clara, patronizingly.) Hello, Clara.

  CLARA: Hello — Dickie.

  DICK: (Taken back.) How are — are you?

  CLARA: I am quite well, thank you. How are you?

  DICK: I’m never very well but I’m as well as one can expect; then one’s hay-fever comes on tomorrow. Ah, you live in St. Joseph, Missouri, don’t you?

  CLARA: Yes.

  DICK: HOW long have you lived in the United States?

  CLARA: Sir!

  DICK: I beg your pardon. It slipped out. (Aside.) How shall I amuse her? (To Clara.) I suppose you must have awfully good times there with your — ah, little playmates?

  CLARA: (Carelessly.) Yes, we manage to scare up sufficient amusement. I suppose you have fun here playing baseball and football with the other boys?

  DICK: Ah yes, I fancy I am a little beyond that now, but I — ER —

  “sed to, before my health took a turn — and all that.

  CLARA: Ah, you used to? Since you put on long trousers, I suppose?

  DICK: (Changing the subject hurriedly.) Would you like some lemonade, er — Clara, Miss Clara?

  CLARA: NO, thank you.

  DICK: Some cake or candy?

  CLARA: NO, but (confidentially) have you a cigaret?

  DICK: (Startled.) Ha, er (looks around and draws chair closer).

  Where did you say you lived?

  CLARA: St. Joseph.

  DICK: And they say Missouri is slow. I am sorry I have no cigarets with me and I don’t allow anyone to smoke my pipe. Shall I get you a cigar?

  CLARA: NO, don’t bother. I had a cigaret at the depot and I have some in my room.

  DICK: Whew!

  CLARA: What did you say?

  DICK: I said that is a pretty brooch you have on.

  CLARA: It ought to be, I traded in three engagement rings for it. It got me in more trouble —

  (Enter Wetherby and Josephus from right.)

  (Enter Hulda from left.)

  MR. W.: Well, then if the house proves unhaunted you give me ten thousand for it.

  JO.: Yes, I have it right here and otherwise — (Shrugs his shoulders.) I’ll entrust it to your son for safekeeping —

  MR. W.: Come, Dickie, and show Mr. Hendrix to his room.

  (Wetherby and Hendrix go out. Clara goes to door.)

  CLARA: Ta, ta, Dickie.

  DICK: Good evening, Miss King. (Exit Clara.) A beautiful girl in the house and my hay-fever starts tomorrow.

  (Dickie shakes his head and goes out.)

  (Window slowly opens.)

  (Enter Second Story Salle — whistles.)

  (Enter Hulda.)

  S. S.S.: Hello?

  HULDA: I guess I left the window open all right?
r />   S.S.S.: Yes. Well, what’s the dope?

  HULDA: There’s a gentleman visiting here who has given ten thousand dollars to Mr. Dickie to keep for him.

  S. S. S.: Ten thousand dollars?

  HULDA: Yes.

  S. S. S.: And who has it?

  HULDA: Mr. Dickie.

  S. S. S.: Where’s the young fellow’s room?

  HULDA: Head of stairs on the left.

  S. S. S.: I’ll remember.

  HULDA: And for the love of Christina! be careful! The house is full — a — people!

  S. S. S.: It’ll take more than a house full of people to catch Second Story Salle!

  HULDA: And where do I come in?

  S. S. S.: You do what I tell you, and keep your mouth tight. And I’ll come here tomorrow morning dressed as a book agent and give you your share.

  HULDA: All right but be awful careful.

  (Exit Hulda and S. S. S.)

  (Enter Will.)

  WILL: Whoever took that overcoat took it far away. What am I going to do? Oh —

  (Enter Cecile.)

  CEC.: Hello.

  WILL: HOW do you do. Pardon me, madam, permit me to introduce myself.

  CEC.: Don’t bother, I recognize you.

  WILL: Oh, you do? Well, you have the advantage of me.

  CEC.: My name is Ce-ce-cile Wether-b-by.

  WILL: O yes, no wonder you know me.

  CEC.: Sir!

  WILL: YOU ought to, I used to play with you as a child.

  CEC.: Sir, I admit I was a tomboy but I never entered into any communication with you.

  WILL: But my dear young lady!

  CEC.: I am not your dear young lady.

  WILL: Perhaps I am not as fierce as I look.

  CEC.: Were I not a lady I would tell you in plain language to go home.

  WILL: YOU have told me, as far as I can see.

  CEC.: I don’t see you going.

  WILL: I want to explain first. I came here quite by accident. I was looking for Miss Spigot.

  CEC.: Allow me to congratulate you, I expected as much.

  WILL: YOU remember she is a relation of mine.

  CEC.: I don’t doubt it.

  WILL: And I was going to her house when here I am by accident in yours. I can’t get out for my overcoat has disappeared and I am too —

  CEC.: (Interrupting.) Natural for safety.

  WILL: And the worst of it is that you seem to have forgotten your old playmate Will Chapman.

  CEC.: Will Chapman?

  WILL: Surely.

  CEC.: I had not heard of your demise. Believe me, I am very sorry.

  WILL: Why, what do you mean? Oh heavens — what — what — you thought — oh Lord — this is too much! Come here and pinch me, I am real flesh and blood.

  CEC.: Oh, I thought for a minute —

  WILL: That I was — I know I shouldn’t have worn this costume. It looks like the de —

  CEC.: Where did you get it?

  WILL: I wore it to a masquerade ball.

  CEC.: Oh, I see. But how did you get here?

  WILL: I got here by accident and now I can’t get out, for someone took my overcoat.

  CEC.: Well, listen. You must not be seen by anyone here. A man is here who wants to buy the house, but he won’t if he thinks the house is haunted. You must hide in this closet. (Goes to closet on lejt and throws open the door.) In about half an hour, when everyone is asleep, you come upstairs and I will leave an overcoat for you in the front hall.

  WILL: Thank you, Cecile — I am —

  CEC.: Now get in there and be quiet!

  (He goes in closet, she shuts door, turns out lights and exits.)

  (Enter Josephus with false mustache and goatee in his hand. He is dressed in a devil’s suit like Will’s. He turns up lights.)

  JO.: (Looking anxiously behind him.) That’s funny, I’m all in a tremor. I could have sworn a minute ago that I saw my wife, my Amelia that I left so many years ago. I must have been dreaming. And now to frighten a few people. Te, he, he!

  (Enter Clara.)

  CLARA: Uncle Josephus!

  JO.: What are you doing up at this hour?

  CLARA: Listen, you must not do this. It is perfectly terrible. Some one might shoot you.

  JO.: Nonsense, child, I can not afford to pay ten thousand dollars for the house.

  CLARA: YOU are cheating Mr. Wetherby.

  JO.: Tut, tut, cheating is a bad word.

  CLARA: Listen, there is someone coming. Quick, you must hide Look, quick in here.

  (She opens the other closet and puts him in. She goes out quickly at right. Enter Cecile, from left.)

  CEC.: It’s rather mean, but I can’t take any chances. I must lock Will in until everyone is asleep. Let’s see, where did I put him? Oh yes, in this closet. (Goes to closet where Josephus is and locks door. There is pounding on the inside.) It’s too bad, Will, but I’ve got to do it.

  (Exit Ceciley turning out lights.)

  (Enter Second Story Salle at left.)

  (Enter Dick at right.)

  DICK: Good evening.

  S. S. S.: Ah, good evening!

  DICK: May I ask what you want here?

  S. S. S.: Certainly — You may ask.

  DICK: Well, what — er do you want?

  S. S. S.: Didn’t you get my card?

  DICK: No.

  S.S.S.: That’s strange; I told the maid to take it to — Ah, you are Mr. Richard Wetherby, I presume?

  DICK: Yes.

  S. S. S.: Well, you’re the one I want to see.

  DICK: Yes, yes, I see — but why?

  S. S. S.: Well, you see it’s this way — I’ve heard of you —

  DICK: NO doubt.

  S. S. S.: As a playwright.

  DICK: YOU have? Ah, won’t you have a seat?

  S. S. S.: (Taking chair. )You have probably heard of me —

  DICK: Yes, yes.

  S. S. S.: My name is — Minnie Maddern Fiske.

  DICK: Oh yes yes; have another seat — Have a cigar — I mean er —

  S. S. S.: No doubt you catch my drift, or shall I snow again?

  DICK: Ah yes, — that is — er —

  S. S. S.: As a fellow professional, I took the liberty of dropping in at this unconventional hour —

  DICK: Don’t mention it.

  S. S. S.: To see about your er — play — “The Dappled Dawn.”

  PICK: Ah yes, but it’s in a very primitive state; scarcely more than a title, to tell the truth.

  S S S.: Never tell the truth; it is a confession of failure, a sign that your imagination is exhausted.

  DICK: Yes of course. But about the play of mine —

  S S. S.: I want it. (Takes ten thousand dollars from Dick’s pocket.)

  — (Aside.) — And I have it!

  DICK: Mrs. Fiske — May I call you Minnie? — You may have it.

  S. S. S.: Tomorrow I would like to discuss it with you. We can fix a date for then, not for tonight; we artists have our trials, you know — temperament and —

  DICK: Hay fever! Yes, yes.

  S. S. S.: (Starting to faint — Hand grasping ten thousand dollars behind her.) Oh, I am going to faint! My head is swimming —

  Water!

  DICK: (As he exits.) Water for Mrs. Fiske!! (Exit r.)

  (S. S. S. sees Will peep out of closet, screams, drops banknotes and jumps out of window.)

  (Enter Hulda, she picks up money.)

  HULDA: What’s this? The ten thousand dollars. Second Story Salle must have dropped it. (Exit.)

  (Enter Dick r. with glass of water.)