Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated)
Page 380
Snooks [wiggling the bag, which gives out a loud, glassy clank]. Hear it talking to you, eh?
Charlotte looks from one to the other of them darkly.
Jerry. It’s all right, Charlit. I’ll tend to it. You go up-stairs. You go up-stairs and read that — there’s a story in the Saturday Evening Post about a Chinese girl on the Buzzard Islands that — —
Charlotte. I know. Who isn’t a Chinese girl. Never mind that. I’ll stay right here.
Jerry turns from her with the air of one who has done his best — but now — well, she must take the consequences.
Jerry [to Snooks]. Is this Mr. Snukes? Or Snooks?
Snooks. Snooks. Funny name, ain’t it? I made it up. I got it off a can of tomatoes. I’m an Irish-Pole by rights. [Meanwhile he has been emptying the sack of its contents and setting them on the table. First come two one-gallon jars, one full, the other empty. Then a square, unopened one-gallon can. Finally three small bottles and a medicine dropper.]
Charlotte[in dawning horror]. What’s that? A still?
Snooks [with a wink at Jerry]. No, lady, this here’s a wine-press.
Jerry. [He’s attempting to conciliate her.] No, no, Charlit. Listen. This gentleman here is going to make me some gin — very, very cheap.
Charlotte. Some gin!
Jerry. Yes, for cocktails.
Charlotte. For whose cocktails?
Jerry. For you and me.
Charlotte. Do you think I’d take one of the poison things?
Jerry [to Snooks]. They’re not poison, are they?
Snooks. Poison! Say, lady, I’d be croaked off long ago if they was. I’d be up wid de angels! This ain’t wood alcohol. This is grain alcohol. [He holds up the gallon can, on which is the following label]:
WOOD ALCOHOL!
POISON!
Charlotte[indignantly]. Why, it says wood alcohol right on the can!
Snooks. Yes, but it ain’t. I just use a wood-alcohol can, so in case I get caught. You’re allowed to sell wood alcohol, see?
Jerry [explaining to Charlotte]. Just in case he gets caught — see?
Charlotte. I think the whole performance is perfectly terrible.
Jerry. No, it isn’t. Mr. Snooks has sold this to some of the swellest families in the city — haven’t you, Mr. Snooks?
Snooks. Sure. You know old man Alec Martin?
Jerry [glancing at Charlotte, who is stony-eyed]. Sure. Everybody knows who they are.
Snooks. I sole ‘em a gallon. And John B. Standish? I sole him five gallons and he said it was the best stuff he ever tasted.
Jerry [to Charlotte]. See — ? The swellest people in town.
Snooks. I’d a got here sooner, only I got double crossed to-day.
Jerry. How?
Snooks. A fella down-town sold me out to the rev’nue officers. I got stuck for two thousand dollars and four cases Haig and Haig.
Jerry. Gee, that’s too bad!
Snooks. Aw, you never know who’s straight in this game. They’ll double cross you in a minute.
Jerry. Who sold you out?
Snooks. A fella. What do you suppose he got for it?
Jerry. What?
Snooks. Ten dollars. What do you know about a fella that’d sell a guy out for ten dollars? I just went right up to him and said: “Why, you Ga — — “
Jerry [nervously]. Say, don’t tell us!
Snooks. Well, I told him where he got off at, anyways. And then I plastered him one. An’ the rev’nue officers jus’ stood there and laughed. My brother ‘n I are goin’ ‘round an’ beat him up again tomorra.
Jerry [righteously]. He certainly deserved it.
A pause.
Snooks [after a moment’s brooding]. Well, I’ll fix this up for you now.
Charlotte[stiffly]. How much is it?
Snooks. This? Sixteen a gallon.
Jerry [eagerly]. See, that makes two gallons of the stuff, Charlotte, and that’s eight quarts, and eight quarts if the stuff makes sixteen quarts of cocktails. That’s enough to last us — oh, three years anyhow. Just think how nice it’ll be if anybody comes in. Just say: “Like a little cocktail?” “Sure.” “All right.” [He makes a noise to express orange squeezing.] Oranges! [A noise to express the cracking of ice.] Ice! [A noise to express the sound of a shaker.] Shaker! [He pours the imaginary compound into three imaginary glasses. Then he drinks off one of the imaginary glasses and pats his stomach.]
Charlotte[contemptuously]. Well, I think you’re a little crazy, if you ask me.
Snooks [taking off his hat and coat]. You got a big bowl?
Charlotte. No. Why didn’t you bring your own bowl?
Jerry [uncertainly]. There’s a nice big bowl in the kitchen.
Charlotte. All right. Go on and spoil all the kitchen things.
Jerry. I’ll wash it afterward.
Charlotte. Wash it? [She laughs contemptuously, implying that washing will do it no good then. Jerry, nevertheless, goes for the bowl. He feels pretty guilty by this time, but he’s going through with it now, even though he may never hear the last of it.]
Snooks [hollering after him]. Get a corkscrew, too. [He holds up the tin can to Charlotte.] Grain alcohol. [Charlotte’s lips curl in answer. He holds up a small bottle.] Spirits of Jupiter. One drop of this will smell up a whole house for a week. [He holds up a second bottle.] Oila Aniseed. Give it a flavor. Take the arsenic out. [He holds up a third bottle.] Oila Coreander.
Charlotte[sardonically]. Wouldn’t you like me to look in the medicine-chest and see if there’s something there you could use? Maybe you need some iodine. Or some of Dada’s ankle-strengthener.
Jerry comes in, laden.
Jerry. Here’s the bowl and the corkscrew.
Charlotte. You forgot the salt and pepper.
Amid great pounding the bootlegger breaks the corkscrew on the tin can. His exertions send him into a fit of coughing.
You’ll have to stop coughing. You’ll wake the people next door.
Snooks. You got a hairpin, lady?
Charlotte. No.
Snooks. Or a scissors?
Charlotte. No.
Snooks. Say, what kind of a house is this?
[He finally manages to open the can.]
Snooks. [With some pride.] Grain alcohol. Costs me $6.00 a gallon. [To Charlotte.] Smell it.
She retreats from it hastily.
Charlotte. I can smell something horrible.
Snooks. That’s the spirits of Jupiter. I haven’t opened it yet. It rots a cork in ten days. [He fills the bowl with water from one jar.]
Jerry [anxiously]. Hadn’t you better measure it?
Snooks. I got my eye trained.
Charlotte. What’s that — arsenic?
Snooks. Distilled water, lady. If you use regular water it gets cloudy. You want it clear. [He pours in alcohol from the can.] Got a spoon?… Well, never mind. [He rolls up his sleeve and undoubtedly intends to plunge his whole arm into the mixture.]
Jerry [hastily]. Here! Wait a minute. No use — — no use getting your hand wet. I’ll get you a spoon. [He goes after it.]
Charlotte[sarcastically]. Get one of the best silver ones.
Snooks. Naw. Any kind’ll do.
Jerry returns with one of the best silver spoons, which he hands to Mr. Snooks.
Charlotte. I might have known you would — you fool!
Mr. Snooks stirs the mixture — the spoon turns rust-colored — Charlotte gives a little cry.
Snooks. It won’t hurt it, lady. Just leave it out in the sun for an hour. Now the spirits of Jupiter. [He fills the medicine dropper from a small bottle and lets a slow, interminable procession of drops fall into the bowl. Jerry watches intently and with gathering anxiety. At about the fourteenth drop he starts every time one falls. Finally Mr. Snooks ceases.]
Jerry. How many did you count?
Snooks. Sixteen.
Jerry. I counted eighteen.
Snooks. Well, a drop or so won’t make no difference. Now yo
u got a funnel?
Jerry. I’ll get one. [He goes for it.]
Snooks. Good stuff, lady. This is as good as what you used to buy for the real thing.
Charlotte does not deign to answer.
You needn’t worry about that spoon. If that spoon had a been the real thing it w’na done like that. You can try out all your stuff that way. A lot of stuff is sold for silver nowadays that ain’t at all.
Jerry returns with the funnel, and Mr, Snooks pours the contents of the bowl into the two glass jars.
Snooks [holding up one jar admiringly]. The real thing.
Charlotte. It’s cloudy.
Snooks [reproachfully]. Cloudy? You call that cloudy? That isn’t cloudy. Why, it’s just as clear — —
He holds it up and pretends to look through it. This is unquestionably a mere gesture, for the mixture is heavily opaque and not to be pierced by the human eye.
Charlotte[disregarding him and turning scornfully to Jerry]. I wouldn’t drink it if it was the last liquor in the world.
Snooks. Lady, if this was the last liquor in the world it wouldn’t be for sale.
Jerry [doubtfully]. It does look a little — cloudy.
Snooks. No-o-o — ! Why you can see right through it. [Be fills a glass and drinks it off.] Why, it just needs to be filtered. That’s just nervous matter.
Charlotte and Jerry [together]. Nervous matter?
Jerry. When did we put that in?
Snooks. We didn’t put it in. It’s just a deposit. Sure, that’s just nervous matter. Any chemis’ will tell you.
Charlotte[sardonically]. Ha-ha! “Nervous matter.” There’s no such thing.
Snooks. Sure! That’s just nervous matter. [He fills the glass and hands it to her.] Try it!
Charlotte. Ugh!
As he comes near she leans away from him in horror. Snooks offers the glass to Jerry.
If you drink any of that stuff they’ll have to analyze you all over again.
But Jerry drinks it.
Charlotte. I can’t stand this. When your — when he’s gone I’ll thank you to open the windows. [She goes out and upstairs.]
Snooks [with a cynical laugh]. Your old lady’s a little sore on you, eh?
Jerry [bravely]. No. She doesn’t care what I do.
Snooks. You ought to give her a bat in the eye now and then. That’d fix her.
Jerry [shocked]. Oh, no; you oughtn’t to talk that way.
Snooks. Well, if you like ‘em to step around… Sixteen bucks, please.
Jerry searches his pockets.
Jerry [counting]. — thirteen — fourteen — let’s see. I can borrow the ice-man’s money if I can find where — Just wait a minute, Mr. Snooks.
He goes out to the pantry. Almost immediately there are steps upon the stairs, and in a moment Dada, resplendent in a flowing white nightshirt, trembles into Mr. Snooks’s vision. For a moment Mr. Snooks is startled.
Dada [blinking]. I thought I smelled something burning.
Snooks. I ain’t smelled nothin’, pop.
Dada. How do you do, sir. You’ll excuse my costume. I was awake and it occurred to me that the house was on fire. I am Mr. Frost’s father.
Snooks. I’m his bootlegger.
Dada. The — — ?
Snooks. His bootlegger.
Dada [enthusiastically]. You’re my son’s employer?
They shake hands.
Dada. Excuse my costume. I was awake, and I thought I smelled something burning.
Snooks [decisively]. You’re kiddin’ yourself.
Dada. Perhaps I was wrong. My sense of smell is not as exact as it was. My son Jerry is a fine boy. He’s my only son by my second wife, Mr. — ? The — — ? [He is evidently under the impression that Snooks has supplied the name and that he has missed it] I’m glad to meet his employer. I always say I’m a descendant of Jack Frost. We used to have a joke when I was young. We used to say that the first Frosts came to this state in the beginning of winter. Ha-ha-ha! [He is convinced that he is giving Jerry a boost with his employer]
Snooks [bored]. Ain’t it past your bedtime, pop?
Dada. Do you see? “Frosts” and “frosts.” We used to laugh at that joke a great deal.
Snooks. Anybody would.
Dada. “Frosts,” you see. We’re not rich, but I always say that it’s easier for a camel to get through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to get to heaven.
Snooks. That’s the way I always felt.
Dada. Well, I think I’ll turn in. My sense of smell deceived me. No harm done. [He laughs.] Good night, Mr. — — ?
Snooks [humorously]. Good night, pop. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Dada [starting away]. I hope you’ll excuse my costume. [He goes up-stairs. Jerry returns from the pantry just in time to hear his voice]
Jerry. Who was that? Dada?
Snooks. He thought he was on fire.
Jerry [unaware of the nightshirt]. That’s my father. He’s a great authority on — oh, on the Bible and a whole lot of other things. He’s been doing nothing for twenty years but thinking out a lot of things — here’s the money. [Jerry gives him sixteen bucks]
Snooks. Thanks. Well, I guess you’re all fixed. Drink a couple of these and then you’ll know what to say to your wife when she gets fresh.
Charlotte[from up-stairs]. Shut the door! I can smell that way up here!
Jerry hastily shuts the door leading up-stairs.
Snooks. Like any whiskey?
Jerry. I don’t believe so.
Snooks. Or some cream de menthy?
Jerry. No, I don’t believe so.
Snooks. How about some French vermuth?
Jerry. I don’t think I’ll take anything else now.
Snooks. Just try a drink of this.
Jerry. I did.
Snooks. Try another.
Jerry tries another.
Jerry. Not bad. Strong.
Snooks. Sure it’s strong. Knock you over. Hard to get now. They gyp you every time. The country’s goin’ to the dogs. Most of these bootleggers, you can’t trust ‘em two feet away. It’s awful. They don’t seem to have no conscience.
Jerry [warming]. Have you ever been analyzed, Mr. Snooks?
Snooks. Me? No, I never been arrested by the regular police.
Jerry. I mean when they ask you questions.
Snooks. Sure, I know. Thumb-prints — all that stuff.
Jerry takes another drink.
Jerry. You ought to want to rise in the world.
Snook. How do you know I oughta.
Jerry. Why — why, everybody ought to. It says so.
Snooks. What says so.
Jerry [with a burst of inspiration]. The Bible. It’s one of the commandments.
Snooks. I never could get through that book.
Jerry. Won’t you sit down?
Snooks. No, I got to hustle along in a minute.
Jerry. Say, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Snooks. Not at all. Shoot!
Jerry. Did you ever — did you ever have any ambition to be President?
Snooks. Sure. Once.
Jerry [ponderously]. You did, eh?
Snooks. Once. I guess bootleggin’s just as good, though. More money in it.
Jerry [weightily]. Yes, that’s true.
Snooks. Well, I got to hustle along now. I got to take my old woman to church.
Jerry. Oh. Yes.
Snooks. Well, so long. You got my address in case you’go dry.
They both smile genially at this pleasantry.
Jerry [opening the door]. All right. I’ll remember.
Snooks goes out. Jerry hesitates — then he opens the door to the up-stairs.
Jerry. Oh, Char-lit!
Charlotte[crossly]. Please keep that door shut. That smell comes right up here. It’ll start my hay-fever.