Hold the Light

by Ryan Sherwood

  The downpour pelted harder. I was soaked and angry. I felt like an animal, wrapped in the damp darkness, ready to viciously strike out and protect myself. My primal instincts took me and I crouched, searching for threats. I balled my hands into fists but only one responded. My right hand screamed in pain. I pulled it close to me, ignored the pain, and leaned onto my heels. Yells sounded out through the rain. I looked around, curious about what was coming, and saw uniforms mixed in the chaos.

  Threats, they were all threats, and coming right for me. The uniforms were red flags that egged me on. My humanity had run dry. I was alone. Abandoned to Death and everyone came to take it from me. And they were closing in.

  "You're ...you're ... No." I pleaded and leapt up from my crouch, ready to fight but yearning to run.

  But instead I hobbled backwards. I could smell carrion on the approaching threat.

  "No more, no, I can't take anymore!" I screamed.

  Adrenaline surged within me and I prepared to attack anyway, but in my hurried retreat, I stumbled backwards. My fists flailed wildly in the air until I landed in someone's arms. I turned to look at who restrained me but a convulsion took me. My limbs stretched to their limit, jarring themselves away from the connecting joints. I tried to struggle free but the pain was too fierce. My head swam and darkness washed over me with the rain as I sunk into blackness.

  Chapter 46

  Somewhere between sleep and sedation a poignant reverie came to me. Or was it me; I couldn't tell. I was consumed by it.

  I was the sun, warming all the worlds from the vast coldness of space. I spat light across the universe, never caring where it went. I felt and was so essential and pivotal to life, so assured. No one could live without me, but no one could look at me. I was great yet alienating. But off in the distance there was a little blue ball, soaking up my rays, appreciative of my gift.

  I smiled as I looked down at that blue place, with their little laughing clouds and serene pools of oceans and jagged chunks of continents. I was overwhelmed with delight. If the sun could smile, I did. My yellow and red corpulent body reveled in happiness, as the constant frigid vacuum of space nipped at me no more.

  But time elapsed too quickly and joy can only last for so long. My streaming emissions of light, spreading all my happiness, abruptly screeched to a halt. I pushed and pushed to emit more light but could not. I was crushed.

  Reluctantly, I took in a forced nauseating gasp and my light blinked out. Off like a light switch. I sucked in my massive, spherical body full, engorging myself, dangerously replete. No longer could I hold the enormous inhalation. I spat it out in a burning eruption across the galaxy, violently returning the light that was held so dear, in an explosion that charred the entire little blue planet.

  Chapter 47

  Shock welcomed me to wake. I was depleted. My conscious and subconscious streamed together in a blotch of cool colors that mingled on the inside of my eyelids. I thought of the mornings of my youth. I remembered praying and squeezing my eyes shut so hard that spots danced in the blackness, I would wake completely different from the person I had been when I fell asleep. That some previous event would hit like an epiphany with the sunrise and alter me. Change me into the man I should be; into something better. This time, my prayers were answered and I did wake and was something different.

  "But not better," I sighed, barely parting my lips.

  A rush of frozen air blew below my skin and told me I was not in my childhood bed. Light from God knows where hit my eyelids. A white haze surrounded me. I squinted to adjust. Everything seemed calm.

  A headache stung at the top of my nose and when I went to rub at it, something restrained my hand. Pulling harder out of instinct, I tried to break the unknown resistance, when my shoulder throbbed in stabbing pain. I tried to rub my head with my left hand and it was inhibited as well. Pulling with both hands and arms, my skin began to lift. I looked down and was startled to see an IV needle tapped to the back of my right hand. My left arm was in a sling. I leaned up in the bed and attempted to get a better view of the room. It was a hospital room alright, with a TV high in one corner and a green hanging curtain that divided the other bed from mine.

  My throat was swollen. I gulped, trying to swallow whatever plagued my throat. It didn't budge. I coughed to force it up, but it stayed put. There was a similar grip in my chest, sitting like a lump that weighed more than the world, nested near my heart. This burden, my destiny, brought with it misery and hopelessness. I felt kidnapped by my own innards.

  "I have all the time in the world for you," a voice inside me seemed to say.

  It was commanding. I could almost see it standing over me angrily, with its fists on its hips, sounding like my damned father.

  "Can't bully me - I beat that bastard and I'll do the same to you," I muttered. "You will never become a part of me," I whispered. "Merely a parasite."

  But the gift's misery loved my company and told me so with a shiver that ran right through my body. A flash of light blinded me and I saw a stranger approach me and scream. Then the figure was gone. Another shiver shot down my spine and tickled out all my remaining warmth. Gloom perched on my brow, pecking at me with a strange sadness, threatening to gather into depression.

  Muscles tightened as my body fought with the gift. The two pushed and shoved their way upwards, writhing all the way up to my head in an all-out war. An explosion of blue light expanded across my vision and just as quickly, my courage was defeated. Fragments of Randy's and the convict's lives seeped into my mind, blending with my own memories, blatantly reminding me of what I had become and the new lineage I belonged to. With the small amount of valor I had left I vowed to be the last to carry this burden.

  Chapter 48

  Sick of my situation, I leaned up to change it. Pain responded by shooting through my abdomen. I pulled up my drafty gown and stared at a long slit littered with stitches. Another sigh bubbled through the small space between my pursed lips. I fell backwards not wanting to discover anything more. I just wanted to sleep.

  The pain dulled as my eyes adjusted to the softly-lit room. I diverted my attention to the TV

  and tried to bore myself to sleep. Fumbling around with the clutter on the stand next to my bed, I found a few remotes. After adjusting my bed, I found the correct remote and turned the television on. The picture swelled from a small dot into the image of some odd commercial. My eyelids sank low.

  The bed's cushioning cradled me towards sleep until a nurse burst through the door with an earthquake of clamor. Scaring the hell out of me, she entered like a child racing down the stairs on Christmas morning. Her cranberry scrubs were infuriatingly bright.

  "This is a hospital you know, not a cemetery. Most of us are alive enough to be annoyed," I said, half hoping she was carrying some sort of tranquilizers.

  "Oh my God! You're awake!" She yelled, her blonde hair wrapping around her face.

  "No thanks to you," I groaned. "Could I get extra blankets in here? It's freezing."

  "Oh, turn on channel five, it's almost time for the six o'clock news," she exclaimed, looking at her watch. She snatched the remote from my hand and switched channel.

  "You're not going to get my blankets and leave me alone are you?" I asked.

  "Shush, silly, don't you want to see the news? It's about you," she said as she came around to the left side of my bed, plopping into a chair by the window.

  I looked back at the television screen to see the beginning of the broadcast when the seat she was on caught the corner of my eye. I looked back and saw black cloth reaching out from beneath her. I was sure it was Randy's trench coat.

  "Can you at least get the coat from..."

  "Wait a minute," she said, loosely flapping her hand at me as she watched the TV intently.

  "Ugh. I'll yell at you later," I whispered.

  I didn't have the energy to fight her. I watched as much as I could while my hand scurried aimlessly around the bed, searching for a crevice to tuck my blan
ket into so I could keep in heat.

  "God it's cold," I repeated.

  The news segment ended and I missed it all.

  "Well?" she said.

  "Well, what? Just gimme the goddamn coat you're sitting on then tell me what the hell I just tried to watch,"

  "Geez, what a grump," she added while she laid the coat over me like a blanket.

  "Perfect," I sighed. "Thank you."

  The coat warmed me within seconds and I wrapped up in it snugly.

  "You've been here three days," she finally said.

  "Oh," I muttered. So much for only being here a day.

  "That guy hasn't been found yet and that other guy was buried today," she finished. "I've been keeping track for you, I've never met anyone who has been, like, on TV before. Except for this one time at a club ..."

  "What did they say about Randy?" I interrupted. A fury of guilt built inside me if I heard her right and had missed his funeral.

  She looked at me blankly.

  "The guy that was buried. Tell me!"

  "Oh, nothin' much. They were focusing more on you and the attacker. They think it was like a hate crime," she said shyly while playing with her nails.

  "I see," I said, unsure why that came out.

  I was disturbingly happy that everyone thought that it was a hate crime. At least no one would spend an exorbitant amount of time researching Randy's past. Hopefully everyone would forget about it in a few days. If they ever found out that Randy was an eighty-some man in a body appearing sixty years younger, the questions would never stop. I began to plan the story I'd tell the police when they questioned me. They wouldn't forget about me I'm sure.

  "George ...if I can call you that?"

  "Uh huh," I nodded, not wanting to pay attention.

  "Were you two ...um, really lovers?"

  I paused and contemplated my answer.

  "I've had enough for one day," I sorely replied.

  I almost denied it but I had to admit, it was a good cover. It allowed Randy to rest in peace and permitted me to live in silence. "Just believe the news like everyone else."

  "But ...but."

  "Don't make me mad," I demanded, and she complied immediately.

  I released the breath I didn't know I was holding.

  "God," I said irritated with myself, "what am I doing?"

  My life felt so inverted all of a sudden. I was lying about my identity and trying to stay inconspicuous like I was a fugitive. The idea of hate was so repugnant to me just a short time ago, and now, it seemed, that it was what I embodied.

  "No cure for me now, no fix, no ..."

  Randy was gone. It hit me like that. Gone. He had to die to save my little life. Depression and denial chilled my quivering bones, but they were already frozen thanks to the gift that cursed through my veins.

  "...no rest for the wicked," I finished, as another convulsion rumbled deep in my chest.

  The cold air inside me dispersed in a whirlwind and raised goosebumps over my flesh. The convulsion echoed inside me and rushed outwards. A second passed then the sensation returned with visions of unfamiliar faces. The sights of the dead. It retreated and hid deep within my chest, taking the images with it. I was left exhausted and frightened. I curled up in Randy's coat, to the only comfort I had left in the world, and fell asleep.

  I dreamed of Hell and its burning wrath. But at least it was warm.

  Chapter 49

  If the candor of men sheds all burdens than the earth would crumble under that weight. I, as it was with the gift, was Atlas below, trying to hold it all together. Or pick up the pieces, I could never tell. What I could tell was the gift's retention of all that the previous hosts had shouldered, all that Randy, my poor old friend, and that monstrous convict imbibed. As they fell from the earth they cast off their hopes and fears with this little blue gift, giving it weight. But its true blue massive load was born from the thousands of souls it stole. That total, growing everyday, is what began to change me. My very cells knew just that, knew as the two before me did, and altered under the gift's chemistry, doing so from the inside out. My mind most of all. Yet one crucial iota of my old ways remained. My need to run.

  I ran the police off track and told them I had just met Randy at a club that night and didn't know him at all. They hounded me about every aspect of that night and I was able to lead them where I wanted. I was released a short time later and ran free. With Randy's trench coat flapped around me as I bolted down the hospital stairs, I thanked God for the chance to run free.

  But as I left the changes made to me became apparent. It was strange to step outside of the sliding doors of the hospital. The cold breeze hit my face but it sent no chills through me. Wrapping my coat up tightly with the collar flipped up, a toasty circulation immediately engulfed me. I smirked, cuddled in the warmth.

  "Randy always wore the coat," I mumbled, "the gift must freeze its host body ...and slow aging. I've found eternal youth." I quickly frowned. "Eternal damnation is more like it."

  That must have been why Randy wore the coat all the time. The convict wore a long coat too and he lived even longer than Randy.

  "And now I'm bound for the same," I frowned, thinking of the prices paid for this eternal youth. "God, the irony of it."

  I proceeded down the steps and into Boston with my hands crammed in my pockets. Like an axe to a tree stump, a splitting pain quickly cut into the top of my skull. It splintered down my spine while the cool breeze of the gift swirled below my skin as I walked along.

  My eyes were enervated with guilt as more faces were slapped across my vision. I walked on aimlessly. Depression and anger welled within me and I was ready to panic. I had to run and my feet did work on their own until I found myself in a park.

  "Anyone of you could be next to die," I whispered at the surrounding people ambling about the open park before me. "Anyone but me."

  Roving through park's paths, I fixated on my shoes to keep from eye contact and tried to get a handle on myself. My emotions felt different within me, almost foreign, like they had already become of little use. I began to realize why Randy was so cold and emotionless most of the time. Even being near people made me uneasy. Anyone that I passed could be the next victim of the gift. I'm sure Randy felt the same. How the hell did he live with this? I had to think about something else.

  Brisk autumn winds filled the air. The trees were already withered. Loose pebbles and fallen leaves crunched under my feet. The people were bundled in warm attire and everything seemed in place. Life seemed good to everyone surrounding me. I peered upwards and saw a dark blue and gray sky cradling foreboding clouds that sagged at the bottom. A few bright green leaves still clung to life on scattered trees and shone against the clouds in defiance. A thin gray shadow passed overhead and the leaves quivered on their branches. The trees that lined the path I walked creaked, actually leaning away from me as I passed, trying to run from my plague. It didn't matter how far they tried to tilt backwards and uproot themselves, there was no escaping me. No escaping death. Bowing in demise, every tree toppled as soon as I passed them. Their massive trunks crashed to the cement and shattered into dust on impact.

  The path ahead narrowed and I floated along the dark grass. Branches closed in, attempting to capture me. Little yellow leaves clawed at my face and shoulders and the sky turned to black. In a panic-stricken heartbeat I sprinted off and eluded the clutches of the park.

  "Can't take me," I yelled, shaking my fist.

  My shoulder jolted and a pedestrian bumped off me.

  "Prick, watch where you're going," barked a teenager. I looked over my shoulder to apologize when I caught his profile and recognized his face.

  "Randy?" I said, mouth gaping open with astonishment.

  I fidgeted and started to panic. Air solidified into a lump in my throat and my heart beat rampant against my ribs. With little hesitation, I sprinted to the man and grabbed his shoulder.

  "Randy, is that you?"

  The kid spun ar
ound and glared at me, revealing a face that was clearly not Randy's.

  "Get away from me, you freak," the stranger commanded.

  "Sorry, I thought you were someone else," I said and eased away.

  The boy traveled on, but another man turned to look at the scene. He looked just like Randy as well. He was walking up a dirt road in torn overalls. Randy looked so young. An ancient truck rumbled up from behind him on an old dirt road and it looked like it was going to run him over. I rushed up to yell at him to watch out and when I got to him, Randy and the truck disappeared. The park reappeared and the man I thought was Randy punched me in the face.

  "Only in this city could someone punch a man with his arm in a sling," I murmured nursing my jaw.