Sink or Swim

by Jamie Canosa

  Dean couldn’t do more than nod.

  “Dean?” Allie kept her voice low, but he could still hear the worry in it. She was the one in the hospital bed, and she was worrying about him. Way to go, asshole.

  “Hmm.” She was lying along the edge of the bed. The side where Sarah had been, now vacant. She patted the mattress beside her, and his feet obeyed automatically.

  He reclined on the bed next to her, wordlessly staring up at the pockmarked ceiling. He wanted to say something to her—ease her fears—but anything that came out of his mouth right then would have only made things worse.

  How could this have happened? How could he not have noticed? Allie and now Sarah, two people he loved more than his own life, and he’d failed them both. He hadn’t seen what they’d been hiding, hadn’t been there when they needed him. He thought he’d stepped up, been a man, done what needed doing to take care of his family, but he hadn’t. He’d failed them both in the worst way.

  His father would be ashamed.

  Allie gave him time. She always knew what he needed and gave it to him. Right then, it was time. Time to think, time to process, time to get himself under control.

  “Dean?” Apparently, he’d needed too much time.

  He took a little more anyway. The last thing he needed to do was open his stupid mouth and upset Allie even more than she was already. And she was, he could see it in her eyes. This was affecting her almost as badly as it was him. But, what he really needed—unfair as it may have been—was her.

  “My sister.” He did his fucking best to keep his voice low, but the growl it rolled into made the anger loud and clear, despite his efforts.

  “I know.” Allie managed to keep her face straight, but the tremor coursing through her voice gave her away.

  “That son of a bitch laid his hands on my sister.” Dean’s hands fisted and his arms shook with the force of his desire to shout those words at the top of his lungs, but he didn’t. He had more self-control than that. And he’d be damned if he got himself kicked out of that hospital room.

  “I know.” The raw pain in her eyes was enough to make him want to scream. “Dean, I’m so sorry.”

  “No. You knew. You knew something was off with her and you tried to tell me. I didn’t listen. Christ, she lives in my fucking house and I didn’t even see it. I must be fucking blind. If I wasn’t so damn busy all the time . . . If I was around a little more often, I wouldn’t miss shit like that. Like with you for all those years. If I just—”

  “Dean.” Allie shifted to face him, a slight wince the only outward sign of her remaining discomfort. Strongest damn girl in the world. “Can you do something for me?”

  Her small hands framed his face as her fingers shifted softly through the hair at his temples, pushing it back so she could see his eyes.

  He took one look at her and absolutely fucking melted. She could have asked for the moon in that moment and he would have found a way to give it to her. “Anything.”

  “Stop blaming yourself.”

  She would find the one thing more impossible to ask for than the friggin’ moon. “Anything but that.”

  “Seriously, Dean, none of this is in any way your fault. You’ve done more for the people you love than anyone should ever have to do. Hell, you killed a man to save my life, Dean. Don’t even try to tell me that doesn’t mess with your head.”

  “He was a worthless piece of shit, Allie.”

  “Even so . . .”

  She wasn’t wrong. Worthless piece of shit or not, what he’d done back at that house was fucking with his head in a big way. The nightmares that had been plaguing him weren’t all about losing Allie to a gunshot. It wasn’t only her vacant eyes staring back at him. But it wasn’t for the reasons she thought. Maybe it made him a terrible person, but there was really only one thing that haunted him about pulling that damn trigger. The bullet didn’t have to hit her to cost him the girl he loved.

  “He deserved to die. I’m just afraid . . .”

  “Of what, Dean? What are you afraid of?”

  “I’m afraid you’ll never really be able to forgive me.”

  Allie eyes shot wide as she stared back at him not speaking for what felt like the longest moment of his life. He’d just laid bare his deepest darkest fear, and she wasn’t saying a damn thing.

  “Allie?”

  She blinked and shook her head as though waking from a trance. “I’m sorry. I just can’t believe my ears right now. You saved my life, Dean.”

  “I killed your father, Allie.”

  “No.” She shook her head again as a quiet sadness filled her eyes. “You killed a man who terrorized and hurt me my entire life. That’s not a father.”

  God, she was so fucking beautiful. This strong, sweet, sassy, vulnerable conundrum of a girl lying beside him. Even in a flimsy hospital gown, makeup free, and hair a hot mess, she was still the most beautiful girl in the world. His heart ached at the sight of her and he didn’t give a rat’s ass if that made him a total pussy.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Allie

  A twinge of pain shot through Allie’s ribs as she shifted an arm around Dean’s shoulders. He just looked so damn lost. His vacant stare evaporated and all of a sudden she found herself with his complete, intense focus. She expected him to say something more, but he didn’t. He just buried his face in her neck and wrapped his arms carefully around her waist. God, she loved him.

  “Hey, it’s okay.” She stroked his back and shifted her fingers through his feather soft hair. Anything she could think of to comfort him.

  “Part of me wishes he were still alive just so I could kill him again. Painfully.” His lips moved against the skin of her neck with each word igniting tiny sparks beneath the surface.

  “It’s over now. It’s all over. He can’t hurt anyone, anymore.” The same words that had reassured Sarah seemed to have a similar effect on Dean and his death grip on her loosened slightly. So, she took it one step farther. “Because of you.”

  He took a deep breath, the muscles in his back bunching under her hands, and gave her a quick, gentle squeeze. His eyes were red-rimmed but dry when they met hers again.

  “You’re somethin’ sorta amazing, you know that, Allie?”

  Yeah, she was something all right. “I brought this shit into all your lives.”

  “Nuh-uh, no way.” Dean’s jaw hardened and his entire body tensed. Bossy Dean was back and he meant business. “Having you in my life? That’s what made it worth living. So, don’t even think it, darlin’. You’re not gonna let me take the blame, I’m sure as hell not gonna let you. Why don’t we both agree to leave it where it belongs . . . buried six feet deep?”

  For once, she was happy to comply. “Deal.”

  In an instant, all of that tension evaporated and he cracked a grin. A sly grin. Uh-oh. “Look where we are.”

  Allie glanced around the room altogether unsure of where he was going with this. “In a hospital?”

  “In a hospital bed.”

  Before Allie could even think of the million and one reasons why this was a bad idea, Dean’s lips sought out hers. Suddenly, it seemed like the best damn idea in the world and she wondered why she hadn’t thought of it first.

  His mouth moved confidently against hers, his tongue plunging in uninvited, but not unwelcome, as his hand disappear somewhere above her head. The soft buzz and gentle vibrations, along with their gradually shifting position told her he was lowering the head of the bed.

  A moment later, Allie found herself lying flat on her back with Dean’s muscular form hovering over her, ever mindful of her still aching body. He shifted onto his forearms and slowly lowered himself until he barely brushed against her torso. She craved his comforting weight but knew it would be too much for her to handle. His body heat wrapped around her and warmed her from the outside in.

  When his lips broke from hers, Dean’s rough hands gently framed her face. His gaze met hers directly and seemed to penetrate deeper.
r />   “I love you, Allison Porter.” It wasn’t a statement. It was a declaration.

  One she wanted, no, needed to return. “I love you, too, Dean Ritter.”

  His lips sought hers again without another word. They weren’t fast and furious like they had been last time. This kiss wasn’t desperate and hungry. This kiss was another declaration.

  One that was firm and slow.

  One that said, ‘I claim you. You’re mine. And we have all the time in the world’.

  One that Allie was all too happy to sign on the dotted line . . . with her tongue.

  Damn, that boy could kiss.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Feeling like a fool, Allie sat in the stupid fucking wheelchair the nurse had insisted was ‘hospital policy’ all the way to the curb. Even there, her embarrassment didn’t end. Dean scooped her out of the chair and positioned her carefully in the backseat of his mama’s small black Hyundai.

  Once he had her buckled—because apparently she was incapable of doing anything for herself—he slid in beside her and threaded his fingers through hers. Mrs. Ritter chatted the entire way about Amy and Sarah’s activities, but Allie was barely listening. Her mind drifted ahead of them. Back to that house.

  Did she want to go back in there? Could she? Would the blood still be on the floor? The broken shards of her mother’s unicorn and torn pieces of Dean’s picture? Could she stomach seeing all of that again? Knowing what it meant? What it had almost meant?

  Did she have a fucking choice? As per usual, the answer was a resounding hell no.

  When they pulled into the Ritter’s driveway, Allie’s stomach heaved. Shit, she was going to be sick before she even got through the front door. If she did that in front of Dean, he’d haul her ass back to the hospital in a heartbeat. Deep breaths. Something she was grateful for these days.

  Allie allowed Dean to help her from the car and steady her on her feet. He’d been her comfort and her strength for the past week and she wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. But her time was up. Her break from reality was over. It was time to face the music, whatever the hell that meant.

  It wouldn’t be so bad. It was just a house. She could leave whenever the hell she felt like it, now. There was no one left to stop her.

  Who the hell was she kidding? This sucked in a big way.

  Forcing her body into motion, she took one step at a time, eyes trained on that horrid hunter green door. That would be the first thing she’d change.

  “Hey, there. Where do you think you’re going?” Dean stepped in front of her, dropping his hands on her hips.

  “Thank you. For everything, Dean. For saving my life.” She’d only said that about a million times, and felt like she still owed him about a zillion more. “For staying with me. For the ride.” She offered Mrs. Ritter a smile who was watching her with the same confused look as Dean. “But it’s time for me to go home, now.”

  “Well, of course it is, sweetheart.” Mary’s gentle smile almost undid her. “But home is this way.”

  She waved her hand toward the Ritter’s blue front door. Allie could feel the sting of tears in her eyes, but there was nothing she could do to stop them.

  “Darlin’.” Dean just smiled and shook his head at her. “Did you really think we’d let you go back in there?” His head dipped toward the house across the street.

  For the longest time, Allie couldn’t find any words. She just stood there with Dean and his mama as the tears streamed down her face. When she finally did, they were, “Thank you.”

  Mrs. Ritter smiled and reached over to smack Dean’s shoulder lightly. “Well, bring the girl inside, already.”

  Dean laughed and happily obliged. This was really happening. Mrs. Ritter started explaining sleeping arrangements, but Allie was too focused on their destination to pay much attention to anything else. The whole painfully slow way up the walk, all she could think was: blue is a hell of a lot better than green.

  Epilogue

  ~4 Years Later~

  Allie

  “Allison Porter?”

  Shit. “What?”

  “Miss Porter, do you know the answer or not?” Professor Glaston glared back at her from the front of the classroom. He wasn’t her favorite teacher, but then again, the feeling was probably mutual. It wasn’t the first time she’d been caught daydreaming during one of his lectures.

  Honestly, who the hell cared about the Exploration of Space, anyway? It’s not like she was studying to become an astronaut. She’d only taken the course because everyone knew it was an easy A, and as a senior she was finally able to score a spot before the class filled up. All you had to do was show up and maybe read the book. Mostly, it was common sense and any fifth grader could answer the questions. That is, if they’d been paying enough attention to actually hear the question.

  “Um . . . I—” The peal of the bell tower in the center of campus cut her off, signaling the end of class. Whew, saved by the bell.

  “Perhaps you can manage to catch up on sleep this weekend so that you’re able to stay awake during my class on Monday afternoon?”

  “Sure thing.” Allie shoved her book into her already overstuffed backpack and headed for the door before Professor Pain-in-her-ass could hurl any more witty comments in her general direction.

  Sleep wasn’t likely considering she’d be pulling a double shift at the diner on Saturday and had finals to study for all day Sunday. Graduation was mere weeks away, and six more exams were all that stood between her and the degree she’d spent the past four years working her ass off for.

  Getting accepted to even the community college had been a challenge after failing to actually graduate high school, but with the Ritter’s help and a crap-ton of work, she’d managed to secure her GED. Since then, school had been one headache after another, but she stuck with it and now the end was so close she could taste it.

  “Al! Hey, Allie!”

  Allie spun around seeking the source of the familiar voice. The entire campus was a madhouse. And a freaking maze on top. Four years later, she still hadn’t figured out all of the nooks and crannies, and short cuts.

  Amy had no such problem. She’d been there less than a year and knew the entire place inside and out. If she didn’t know where something was, she asked. And then, talked. And talked, and talked. Until she had a new best friend and her own personal tour guide for each day of the week. Most of them upperclassmen, most of them male, and none of them made Dean happy in the slightest.

  “Hey, Al. How were classes?” Amy was out of breath, but still had a wide grin plastered to her face.

  “Eh, they were classes.” Allie shrugged.

  “You headed home?”

  “Yeah, you need a ride?”

  “No. Thanks, but I gotta be at the library in ten.”

  A basketball scholarship covered most of her tuition, and commuting from home spared that expense, but books could be a real bitch. Amy pulled sporadic shifts at the library, food court, and registrar’s office to cover those costs.

  Next year, Sarah wouldn’t even have to do that much. The girl had already received a few different full ride offers. Books included. A 4.0 GPA, valedictorian, and a host of extracurriculars made her a shoe-in for almost any school she wanted. What she wanted was to stay close to home. Allie couldn’t blame her. So, she’d be joining Amy in the fall.

  “Would you mind taking my bag, though? I’m going out after and I don’t wanna have to lug this thing around all night.”

  “Sure.” Allie hoisted Amy’s backpack over her shoulder and nearly toppled over. “Shit, Aim. What do you keep in there? Bricks?”

  Amy threw her head back and laughed. She always laughed like that, never holding back. “Bricks, chemistry books, same thing.”

  “So, who’s the lucky guy tonight?”

  “Stan.”

  For a while she’d been hanging out with a different guy almost every night—which damn near gave Dean a coronary—but it had been Stan’s name Allie had been hea
ring more often than not, lately. Not that that made Dean any happier. Thank heaven Sarah wasn’t seriously dating yet. She was certain when that day came it would drive Dean right over the edge. But, his little sisters weren’t so little anymore and he’d just have to get over it.

  “Have fun. I guess I’ll see ya tonight?”

  “Yep. But don’t wait up.” Amy slipped away into the crowd with only a wink, and Allie thanked her lucky stars Dean wasn’t there to see it.

  Loaded down with her bag plus Amy’s, Allie stumbled toward the student lot in search of her Toyota POC. She’d bought it used with what was left of the money after selling her parent’s house. There wasn’t a whole lot left, thus the POC in her particular vehicle.

  Not to say the house didn’t sell for a decent chunk of change. The fact that someone died in the living room didn’t help the bottom line, but if her father did do one thing right it was keeping on top of his finances. By some miracle, he didn’t leave any debt—not even an unpaid bar tab—and the house was nearly paid off. That meant most of what she did make on the sale was pure profit.

  Most of that she turned around and poured back into the Ritter’s mortgage. They’d always been more of a family to her than her own and they’d taken her in when she had no one. It was the very least she could do. Still, it hadn’t gone over well. Dean’s mama had been nearly as stubborn as Dean, and it had taken her months—and a shit load of negotiations—to convince them to let her do it.

  Conditions had flown in both directions, but in the end, Mrs. Ritter stuck to her guns about one thing in particular. If she let Allie use her money to pay off their mortgage, then Allie had to use what was left over to attend college. Where she went and what she studied was completely up to Allie, but she had to go.

  Allie’s return demand was that if she had to go, so did Dean. Strangely, that failed to sway his mama. With the house taken care of and Allie pulling evening shifts at the dinner to help out, Dean was able to cut his hours back to part time and fit in a few classes a semester. He’d started out undecided, never having considered the chance to actually attend college, but in the end decided to get his degree in business management. Somehow, Allie hadn’t been surprised in the least when he expressed his desire to be his own boss, him being so damn good at being bossy and all.