I'll Tell You Mine

by Pip Harry

‘No,’ I say. ‘I’m sick of fighting all the time.’

  ‘I’m sick of fighting too,’ she says.

  We look at each other warily.

  It’s like the tatty rope we’ve been playing tug of war with for years drops into the dust. Neither one of us wants to pick it up.

  ‘You know, when I was pregnant with you I swore I would never end up like my mother. I promised I wouldn’t punish you, force you to do things you didn’t want to or try to make you into a mini version of myself. And look at what happened. I’m exactly like her. Worse, probably.’

  ‘Well, not worse,’ I say cautiously. Mum has never said anything like this to me before. It’s like she’s taken truth serum.

  ‘I guess you change so slowly sometimes that you don’t even notice. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I totally do.’ I’m thinking about how much I’ve changed since that first day in the boarding house.

  ‘More than anyone I want to see you happy and successful. See you realise your potential. You’re very talented, Kate. Smart. Beautiful.’

  I let out a small protest. ‘I’m not beaut–’

  She swipes it away. ‘You are. You don’t see it. Plastering your face with all that make-up when all you really have to do is be yourself.’

  ‘I am myself, Mum. I’m different. I want to look different. It’s who I am. Can’t you just accept that?’

  Mum quietly nods her head. It’s like she’s really listening to me for the first time in ages.

  ‘I just remember the little girl whose nappy was always falling off. Who had wild, curly red hair that I could never get a brush through.’

  ‘Still can’t,’ I say, tugging my fingers though my black curls. ‘Are you going to punish me?’ I ask.

  ‘No, the opposite,’ she says. ‘I’m going to ease off with some of the rules. You can go see bands, we can talk about a later curfew. You can see Annie and Nate. Your hair, make-up, outfits. I won’t say anything more about them. Unless you ask for my opinion, which I’m guessing won’t be very often.’

  ‘Really?’ I say, incredulous. ‘Why?’

  ‘You’re nearly sixteen. You’ve shown you can look after yourself here. The old rules are going to change. But that means you’ve got to change too.’

  ‘How?’ I can’t believe Mum is finally letting me do the things I want. Surely there has to be fine print.

  ‘No more lying. No more sneaking out. No more stealing. No more verbal abuse. No more . . . violence.’

  I nod my head at each point, feeling a pang of shame at the final one. I don’t want to be that angry girl who turns into a scary ball of rage.

  ‘We want you to start treating us with respect. And we’ll try harder to do the same for you. We’re your parents first but I think it’s time we were your friends, too.’

  I ponder this new arrangement. I desperately want to put things right between us. To go back to having a mum I can laugh with and talk to about my life, not an adversary.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Well, that’s easier than some of the deals I’ve been negotiating in Parliament this week,’ she says. ‘Look, Kate, I realise that my career has taken the front seat for a few years now. That won’t change in the foreseeable future but I’ve decided every summer I will take six weeks off during your school break. We will go away together as a family and there will be no phones. No work. Just us. I’ve worked it out with my staff. The first one is already booked in. So we can all decide where we’d like to go.’

  ‘That sounds good,’ I say.

  I feel a small smile crawl onto my face. This is the first ‘serious talk’ we’ve had recently that hasn’t ended in tears.

  ‘Dad and I have another proposition for you. Would you like to hear it?’

  ‘Of course,’ I say. I don’t feel scared or stressed anymore. I feel hopeful.

  ‘We’ve decided it’s not up to us whether or not you come home. It’s up to you.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘At the end of this term it’s your decision where you want to live. If you want to stay, stay. If you feel ready to come home we’d love to have you.’

  My mind whirls. Stay in the boarding house with Maddy, with all those girls. Sharing my space, mealtimes, shower time? Or go back to my parents’ to start again? Back to that room where I cried a skip full of tears. Freedom or a fresh start?

  ‘Have a think about it. Let us know when you’re ready,’ Mum says. ‘It’s a big decision. Don’t rush it.’

  I wonder what she wants me to do.

  ‘Okay,’ I say. My mind is muddled. I miss my family but I’ve found a place in the boarding house.

  She looks down at her watch. Of course she will have something to do, somewhere to be. A call to make or an email to return. I wait for the excuses but she stretches out her arm and puts it lightly across my shoulders. The warmth and familiarity of her skin feels comforting. I don’t wriggle away. Maybe it’s the afternoon light. But I finally see a tiny white bump on her nose.

  ‘Mum – did you have a nose piercing?’ I ask her.

  She lets out a big belly laugh. ‘Yes. I did!’ she says, touching the scar. ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘Dad. Why’d you take it out?’

  ‘Because my mum didn’t like it,’ she says. ‘You know, your grandma and I fought like cats and dogs when I was at uni. Couldn’t agree on the time of day. The only thing we did agree on in my twenties was that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, really. Maybe I’ll share a few stories over coffee. Would you like that?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I nod.

  ‘You can tell me about your farm adventures. I thought you didn’t like farms anyway? After that dreadful weekend when your face blew up.’

  ‘Well, this one was actually kind of okay. There was this boy . . .’

  ‘A boy!’ she says. ‘Now that is a farm adventure . . .’

  She kisses me on the forehead, laying her palm on my cheek like she used to when I was little. ‘Oh, I’ve missed my girl,’ she says. And I realise she’s talking about more than the last few days or months. I’ve been gone a long time. But so has she.

  Back in the room, Maddy tries to corner me on what happened with Mum. But I’m not ready to share the news that I could choose to go home or stay on in the boarding house. I know she’ll try to talk me into being a boarder, like she does with everything else. I need this to be my decision.

  ‘Did she ground you?’ Maddy asks.

  ‘Nah. Actually we talked. Went out for coffee down at the Garden Café. It was nice.’

  ‘Nice?’ Maddy looks puzzled.

  ‘It was okay,’ I say, keen to change the subject. ‘We’d better get down to the laundry. Everything I own smells like bonfire and cows.’

  After dinner I’m sitting reading in the stairwell when Lachy texts me: Miss U already. Hope to CU soon. Lx

  This officially makes it the best day of my entire year. It takes me ten minutes to think up a funny, witty perfect reply. I write it, then delete it and just say: Me too J x

  He sends me another that stops me from concentrating on my book and, later, from getting any sleep, I’m so excited.

  I’m coming to the city 2 CU soon x

  I keep the messages in my inbox and read them over and over.

  Every time they give me butterflies.

  *

  I’m pushing through the packed hallway when I bump into Miss Horsell. Her cheeks are red and she’s got an armful of assignments and whiteboard markers.

  ‘Kate!’ she says, motioning me with her head to a quieter corner. As the end of the year gets closer, the school gets more and more manic. The Year Twelves are getting ready for muck-up day and there’s an edgin
ess in the air. An egg or a water bomb is about to be thrown.

  ‘How are you?’ she asks.

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Made a decision on the writing comp?’

  Since the farm I’d finished my graphic novel. I had it in my bag and planned on dropping it into the competition box during double English.

  ‘Yeah. I’ve got something,’ I say.

  Miss Horsell smiles. ‘I can’t wait to read it. Good for you, Kate. And how are your exam revisions coming along?’

  ‘It’s, um, going okay,’ I stumble. Exams are the last thing on my mind right now. ‘When are exams again?’

  Miss Horsell isn’t stupid. She knows I’m falling behind.

  ‘Look. I’m starting an informal study group. After school. Tuesday and Thursdays. For English, geography and history. I’d love to have you along. You could get an A in English if you really knuckle down now – you’ve shown your talents in art and it wouldn’t take you too long to get back up to speed in the other subjects. It’s not too late.’

  A. I’ve never gotten an A for anything. Except A for Absent or Angsty or Average.

  ‘I’ll be talking about it in class too. Here are the details.’ She hands me a slip of paper with the time and room number.

  Normally I would crumple the paper and throw it into the nearest bin. But today I fold it neatly into my diary and decide I’ll go to the first one. Just to see what it’s like.

  *

  The first time Lachy calls me I nearly don’t answer it because I’m too nervous. I’m by myself in the room – everyone else is watching TV downstairs and I’m going over some English notes for a test. Almost at the very last ring, I press ACCEPT CALL.

  ‘Hello?’ I say, pretending I don’t have caller ID.

  ‘Kate? It’s Lachy,’ he says. I’d forgotten how much I love his phone voice. My heart drums.

  ‘Hi Lachy,’ I spit out. Then I go blank. Luckily he seems to have more to say.

  ‘So, how’s school going?’ he says.

  ‘Okay. Exams are coming up. They’re in a month.’

  ‘Oh right. Exams. I remember those,’ he says. ‘Just try not to get too freaked out. I nearly vomited before my chem exam last year.’ That seems to break the ice. We talk about everything. Study, books, the farm, whether I want to stay on as a boarder. I haven’t been able to decide.

  ‘When you can’t make a decision. It means you’re not ready yet,’ Lachy says. ‘Just give it a bit more time.’

  We even talk about Lachy’s dad.

  ‘He’s stopped drinking. He had a bender in town, banged his head pretty hard in a fall outside the pub,’ says Lachy. ‘Said it knocked sense into him. He even went on a date with Lily. Got all spruced up and everything.’

  We talk and talk for over an hour. Neither of us wants to hang up. If we do, we’ll be hundreds of kilometres apart again.

  ‘Guess I better go do some study,’ I say finally. My ear is burning from pressing it against the phone for so long.

  ‘Yeah, get back to your study. That’s more important than yakking to a farmer,’ says Lachy.

  There’s a pause as I think of a cool way to say goodbye.

  Then Lachy blurts out, ‘I miss you . . .’

  ‘Me too,’ I agree. And when we hang up it feels like a chemical is dripping on my chest, burning a hole right through it.

  Is this what love feels like?

  *

  My head is so full of Lachy it is hard to find a space for anything else. I spend most of my time daydreaming about that night we had together, replaying it over and over. Thinking of all the things he said to me. All the special looks he gave me. He calls me a couple of times a week, and every time I have to rush out of the room to take the call. Maddy is starting to get suss.

  ‘Want to go down the shop and get a milkshake and some dim sims?’ asks Maddy after the last bell has gone.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Oh no. Actually I can’t.’ I have my first study class with Miss Horsell down in the science labs. I think of how disappointed she would be if I’m a no-show. ‘I’ve got that study thing that Horse is doing now. Just for an hour. I’ll see you before dinner.’

  Maddy’s rolls her eyes. ‘Study group? When did you turn into a giant nerd?’

  I pack up my books and try not to get sucked into Maddy’s vortex of slackness. ‘I don’t want to fail the end of year exams. Do you?’

  ‘Uh, no.’

  ‘Why don’t you come with me then?’

  ‘Nuh. I’m starving. I’m going for a milkshake.’ Usually she would ask me what I wanted from the shops but this time she doesn’t.

  ‘Bye!’ I say. And she doesn’t even say bye back.

  The study group is an intimate gathering. It’s not exactly the hottest ticket in town. Lou’s there as she’s not much of a brain and has to work extra hard to do well. Serina House and Renée Miller also show up – they’re besties with a habit of wagging class to hang out with their boyfriends. Rounding out the group is Jess, who’s fallen behind on her studies thanks to a training schedule that has her in the pool four hours a day. She’s so tired that most of her free time is spent curled up on her bed sleeping.

  It doesn’t matter to Miss Horsell, who is dead excited that anyone turned up at all. She gets right into study notes, prac exams and points to a huge pile of textbooks we can take with us as long as we bring them back.

  ‘We only have an hour so we’ve got a lot to get through,’ she says breathlessly.

  ‘Issues in the Australian environment! Air quality! Waste management! Urban growth and decline . . . anyone else got any ideas?’

  ‘Space?’ I say timidly. ‘Uh, natural disasters?’

  ‘Yes! Good, Kate!’

  She writes furiously on the board. She’s even more animated in this class than in English. She seems determined us losers will not fail.

  The hour flies by, even though school has finished and normally I’d be busting to get out of class. Horse goes through everything in detail. Sitting next to us and making sure we understand everything. I’m surprised I’m not bored by it all. Some of it is actually fascinating.

  ‘I got your writing comp entry,’ she whispers. ‘It looks really interesting.’ She raises her voice and says, ‘Right. Now let’s talk about land and water management.’

  ‘Do we have to?’ I joke.

  ‘Yes! And I know you’ll be back for more next week,’ she says.

  And for some reason, by the end of the class, I know I’ll be back for more too.

  Lou and I walk to the boarding house together. Jess has to run off to another swimming session.

  ‘I entered that writing comp,’ I say.

  ‘Did you? You’re amazing. I can’t write stories at all.’

  ‘Yeah but you can sing,’ I remind her.

  ‘That’s not the same thing.’

  ‘Yeah, it is,’ I insist. ‘You know auditions for the school musical are coming up. Why don’t you go for it?’

  Lou looks at me like I’ve suggested she join the KKK. ‘I’m not standing up and singing in front of the entire school. No way.’

  ‘Come on. I’ll go with you to the auditions.’

  ‘No,’ she says. As if she really thinks I’ll drop the subject.

  There’s tears before bedtime. Harriet and Grant have finally broken up for good this time. Harriet is being attended to by her handmaidens, who are assuring her that she can find a much better boyfriend and she is the prettiest girl in Year Ten, easily.

  ‘He’ll get caught,’ Emma says. ‘Taking all those steroids. He’ll get kicked off the rowing team for sure. Maybe you could tip the coaches off?’

  ‘Yeah, he will,’ Harriet agrees, wiping her nose. ‘I hope his testicles shrink to the size of Tic Tacs and
he starts growing man boobs.’

  Everyone laughs. Even Emma, who I thought had her sense of humour surgically removed.

  ‘What happened?’ I whisper to Jess, who is strangely not seated by Harriet’s right side like she normally would be.

  ‘He dumped her. Can you believe that he dumped her?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because she wouldn’t put out. He cheated on her with some Riverstone Park girl. I’ve been telling her for ages he’s not the right person for her. She wouldn’t listen to me.’

  ‘She should have dumped him months ago,’ I say. ‘He’s a bully.’

  And then I know for sure that Jess is madly in love with Harriet because her eyes well up and she actually starts crying. Then she grabs her swimming bag and runs out of the room before she has to explain herself.

  *

  It’s my birthday today. Sweet sixteen. Well, sixteen anyway. Gabby arranged for me to stay the night at home and come back to school the next day – even though it’s a school night. Mum has organised a dinner party. The dining room is decorated in black balloons and streamers. Black, not pink. It’s a start. Nate and Annie sit on one side of the table, Maddy and Lou on the other. My parents don’t even try to hang out with us.

  ‘Dinner is served,’ Dad says grandly, topping up my wine glass of Coke with a waiter’s flourish. ‘Bon appétit. Now, we humble servants shall take our leave.’

  They put the plates down, close the dining room door and go off upstairs.

  ‘Your parents are being pretty cool these days,’ Annie says. ‘Not so on your back, hey?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s better,’ I say.

  I have so much fun at my party, I wish it would never end. It’s like the kind of party I used to have when I was little. Silly laughing, balloons, party lollies. Best friends.

  ‘Happy birthday, Katie,’ toasts Annie.

  ‘Sweet sixteen . . . never been kissed?’ adds Lou.

  ‘Well, not quite,’ I say, trying to catch Nate’s eye. But he’s not really here tonight, he’s a million miles away. I ignore Nate and think about Lachy, wishing he was at the table, holding my hand. Annie and Maddy clink glasses with each other and with me and we all knock back our G-rated drinks and eat chicken parmas and chips.