Insight

by Jolene Perry

  “I didn’t lie. I didn’t know him then.” I shrug. It’s the truth.

  “And now you two are inseparable.”

  I look around us and raise my eyebrows. Landon’s obviously not with me at this moment.

  “Okay, so not completely inseparable.” He rolls his eyes.

  “There’s a lot more to him than most people see, Steven. The more I know about him, the more I like him.” A thought hits me from our ride to school together. “What’s going on with Jessica?”

  Steven stuffs his hands in his khaki’s pockets. “She’s coming to Prom with me. And she’s going to NYU next year, so we realized we won’t be that far apart when we go to school.”

  “I’m glad for you.”

  “I’m glad for me, too.” He nods, almost blushing. “Ready to head inside?”

  “Not even a little bit.”

  Ethan walks toward us, stepping outside. Mom hasn’t moved. “Steven, why don’t you keep Micah’s mom company?” It’s more than a request.

  I watch over Ethan’s shoulder to see Steven sit down with Mom.

  “Can we talk?” he asks me.

  What will I get now?

  “Don’t worry.” He chuckles as he sees the expression on my face. “I’ll just be a minute.” He leans against mom’s car.

  I lean next to him. But not too close.

  “You have to know your mom is just worried about you because it took her so long in school.” His kind smile matches his face and his eyes. The kids must love him. His voice is low and smooth, and his neat hair is brushed off his face.

  I want to say something about how he shouldn’t be butting into something that’s between Mom and I, but everything about him is sincere. It’s hard to be frustrated.

  “This is none of my business, I know.” He holds a hand up between us.

  I just stand and wait, unsure of what I should say.

  “I’ve wanted to talk to you, anyway.” His soft brown eyes look into mine. “I love your mother.”

  “I know.” I’ve seen it. “She loves you, too.”

  His eyes close briefly, and I hear him exhale. “Is that okay?”

  “Of course it’s okay.” Ethan’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, it would be stupid of me to have a problem with him.

  “Thank you.” He takes a step away. “Give her a few days to think about this. Do your research so when you two talk again, you have something concrete to give her.”

  “Will she leave it alone for a few days?” I ask. And I can’t believe that her new boyfriend is our go-between.

  “Yeah, I think she will.” He nods.

  “Is that it?” I start to stand.

  “No.” He touches my shoulder to keep me next to him.

  Mom’s face, love, contentment.

  “I have never seen Landon as happy as he is right now. I told your mom.”

  I watch his face. Is he on my side? Hers? Landon’s? I’m confused. “Thank you.” I’m grateful to him now, for talking to me. Maybe I’ll find a way to make everyone happy and get what I want, too.

  “Thanks for giving me a chance to talk.”

  “Yeah.” I hate feeling like I should say something more when I don’t have any idea of what it should be.

  “I don’t want to intrude you know, with you and your mom.”

  “I promise, you’re not intruding. Right now you’re providing a welcome distraction.” I can’t believe I just admitted that.

  Fortunately, he laughs. “Glad I can help, Micah. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

  “Thanks.”

  He outs his arm around me to lead me into the restaurant, and all I see is my mom’s face. I’ve never had so many people in my life. It’s confusing, but feels really good. I have stability outside of just Mom. That’s huge.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Landon and I have just finished dinner on the balcony. It’s an old mansion turned restaurant, and the venue for our prom. From the upper floor, our view of Puget Sound is wide. We can even see the mountains from the Olympic Peninsula in the distance. The music started a while ago, and most of our friends are dancing out on the lawn. There’s more room to breathe down there, and more room to move.

  Tonight I don’t have to think about people or shadows in the woods. I haven’t seen that bizarre vision from my mom for over a week, so I don’t have to think about that either. All I have to do tonight is to enjoy the guy here with me, and the feel of the blue silk dress against my legs.

  As I slide my arm through Landon’s, I can barely believe how perfect my life has become. Mom has Ethan. I have Landon. There’s no weirdness between Steven and I. Dad gets me. Landon knows what I can do. With any luck I’ll be sailing in the Caribbean soon, even though Mom’s still not bending on the college thing. She might come around…

  Students fill the building forming groups across the lawn. I’m so completely distracted by being here with him, that I don’t even notice pictures as we bump into people on our way out of the house. I wrap my arm more tightly with his. I don’t see pictures at all. None. And I am bumping into people. I have no idea why, and I don’t care. It’s a welcome break. I bump into someone I don’t know on purpose, just to check. Nothing. A big delightful break.

  Wait. Is it gone?

  The beginnings of panic set in. Maybe those weird visions from my mom was my body or my brain or something warning me that this bizarre gift was about to end. I let go of Landon and step away.

  He raises a questioning brow.

  “Looking for my vision.”

  His smoldering eyes are back—the ones that make knots in my stomach. “Thank you for being here with me.”

  “Thank you for wanting me.”

  He takes my hand in his. Our Prom picture. The one we’re about to make happen. I still work.

  And now it’s kind of a revelation for me. I hate this thing, but it really is a part of me. Something that I kind of rely on, and want.

  I want it.

  Or, maybe I just don’t know who I am without it.

  We stand close and he starts to move us slowly to the music. I close my eyes. We breathe in at the same time, and I know this moment—I’ve seen it from him. Living it is so much better.

  “I didn’t see any pictures.” My eyes are closed and my head is resting on his shoulder.

  “What?”

  “You anchor me, or something.” I don’t move. “We bumped into a ton of people on our way out of the house, but I didn’t see anything.”

  “Just now?” I can feel him pull away. He wants to look at me. “Is that why you pulled away?”

  “Yep.” I want to rest on his shoulder. “But when we were in the house. Nothing. It was nice.” I look up at him.

  “Hmm.” He pulls me back, and I once again rest my head on his shoulder. “Wait.” He leans away, again.

  “What?” I laugh, keeping my arms tightly around his waist.

  “I’m like your protector. You’re going to have to practically chain yourself to my side.” His face breaks into a wide smile.

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “Definitely what I want.” His mouth meets mine and our lips slide together, I will never—

  “Break it up.” A teacher taps us each on the shoulder before moving on.

  I look down embarrassed, but Landon keeps me close and moving to the music. I have no idea how many songs go by. I don’t know if they’re fast or slow. His hands touch my sides, slide around me tightly, keeping me close, stroking my carefully smoothed out hair, touching my bare arms… My hands slide under his jacket and gently move around his sides to his back.

  “You guys are obnoxious!” Josh lets himself bounce off Landon’s back, nearly toppling us over.

  “Screw you!” Landon laughs, keeping my hand in his, even though we’ve been torn apart. “It’s all foreplay, man.”

  I blush and stare at the ground. Is that what he’s expecting? It’s not something we’ve really talked about.

  �
�Can I have one dance? Please, Landon?” Brigitte tilts her head to the side and looks at him with this pathetic puppy dog look.

  Where did she come from? I’m irritated, but there really isn’t anything I can do without causing a scene.

  He rolls his eyes and tightens his arms around me.

  Brigitte shouldn’t bother me. Landon wants me. I know this. Everything’s okay.

  “It’s fine.” I let my hands slide down his arms. “I’ll run to the restroom.” I’m sad to let him go, but I also don’t want to look at her stupid face while she’s dancing with Landon. If she doesn’t get her chance, I’m sure she’ll be staring at us from the sidelines. I really don’t want that either.

  “Okay.” He holds my hand until our fingertips finally fall away.

  I’m sad to be walking away from him, but I don’t want to watch them together. I stop and look back at them anyway before walking inside. Landon looks stiff and uncomfortable, keeping her at a distance. It makes me feel only a little better.

  There’s no way to not touch anyone while walking through the crowded house. I hold my arms tightly in front of me, but each picture and each emotion hits before the last one is over.

  Jealousy. Anger. Frustration. Elation.

  There are too many people to touch, and just when I’m about to give up and run outside, I see the bathroom door.

  Perfect.

  The bathroom is packed, so I do a quick glance at my hair and take a deep breath before turning around.

  I walk back toward the front door, more people move this direction, and it’s less startling than my journey in. Landon’s standing on the porch, waiting for me, looking pissed. His jaw is set tight and his arms are crossed.

  “What’s with you?” I pull up a corner of my mouth, hoping if I’m relaxed, he’ll calm down.

  “Damn stupid bitchy little Brigitte.” His hands are in fists.

  “What’s up?” I’m angry with her for ruining his mood, but trying hard not to show it. I just want us back out on the lawn, his arms around me and us dancing together.

  “She pulled some, I-think-I-might-be-pregnant thing with me.” He mimics her snotty voice.

  My stomach drops. “Could, um, she be?” I start to shake inside at the thought of it.

  “What?” Now he looks mad at me.

  I swallow down the lump in my throat—only it doesn’t really go anywhere. “It’s just—”

  “Okay, okay.” His face softens as he waves his hand between us. “We had sex once. In the boathouse. I was completely wasted and didn’t actually… you know, cause I was too drunk. We also used a condom, with stuff. She’s just being stupid and petty.”

  I’m afraid to believe him. What if she is pregnant? What would it change? She knows Landon’s about to inherit a bunch of money. It seems like everyone does. I don’t know what to say to him. I reach out and touch his arm, hoping to bring him some amount of comfort.

  I’m crying. Landon’s looking down at me. Despair. Remorse. Guilt.

  I gasp for air. I can’t breathe. This can’t be happening. He’s going to leave me. I trusted him, and he’s going to leave me. I’m shaking. I’m tissue paper battering in the breeze.

  Remorse. Guilt.

  “Micah?” He reaches over.

  “Don’t. Touch. Me.” I set my jaw and look at him. He’s going to hurt me. He’s going to walk away, maybe because of Brigitte, maybe from something else, but it’s crushing, devastating. I feel what he felt again - guilt, remorse - like a punch to the chest. It just doesn’t make sense. Didn’t we pass all of this? Landon and I felt invincible. But we’re not. What I saw makes that obvious enough.

  Was this what it was like when Dad knew that Mom was moving on? My stomach’s twisted up to tight, I’m worried I won’t be able to breathe.

  “What? What is it?” His eyes look panicked. “What did you see?”

  I start to walk. I walk off the porch, down the steps and to the street. I don’t stop. My feet keep moving forward. I know it’s a long way home, but I don’t care. I need home. I need Mom. My heart’s not crushed—it’s been flattened. My breath drags into my lungs like something thick and ragged. I gasp again. Is this the end of us? I’m not sure.

  Whatever he’s going to do to me, it’s best to cut it off now. But not best. This can’t be happening. Something like knives and daggers stab into me. I still can’t breathe. My tears are hot as they fall down my cheeks.

  “Micah!” He’s half jogging to keep up.

  “Leave me alone!” I yell. The volume surprises even me.

  “What happened?” There’s panic woven through his words.

  I start to take a breath, but a sob comes out instead and tears continue to pour down my face. I don’t want to cry, not now. Not like this.

  “Micah, I haven’t done anything!”

  “But you will.” I look at him through my hair and then stare back at the road. I have to keep walking, keep going, keep moving further. “I need a minute, or something. Space.”

  “Micah, please tell me what you see. Help me fix this.” He’s walking sideways in the street, trying to look at my face.

  One foot in front of the other, I can do this. I just need to keep walking. The walking will help me sort it out. The silk doesn’t swish around me happily anymore, it slaps against my legs.

  “Micah!” He grabs my arm to stop me.

  I’m on the ground. Sobbing. Pavement. He’s there watching me. Guilt. Remorse.

  It brings another round of sobs and uncontrollable crying. “How could you do this?” I finally stop and look at him. “I thought we were past...I don’t know. I thought you loved me more.” I’m splitting, breaking apart.

  “I’m dying here! Do what? What is it you think I do?” He bends forward to see my face, trying to get me to look at him.

  “You devastate me. I see me crying and I—”

  “I see you crying, too.” He tries to make his voice light, but fails.

  “Landon, there’s only two people in this world who could make me feel this and Mom wouldn’t crush me like this and you’re there!” I push around him and keep walking.

  “Well, dammit. Look closer!” He doesn’t ask, he just takes my hand in his, stopping me in the street. “I love you! Look closer!”

  Me sobbing on the ground. Broken bits of something shiny on the pavement. Landon’s moving toward me. The pain is his. It’s real. Remorse. Guilt.

  But what does it mean? I jerk my hand away from him. “Ahhh!” I half scream, half cry in frustration. My hands tighten into fists. My nails dig into my palms, but I don’t care. At least it’s something real. Something tangible.

  “Micah, I promise you. You’re what I want. I don’t...” There are tears on his cheeks. Landon’s crying. He doesn’t hurt me. He couldn’t. Not again. I stop and take in the desperate look on his face. Something’s not as it seems in my picture. But if he doesn’t hurt me, what happens?

  “Oh.” It’s like an invisible wand passes through my body, leaving a wave of dread in its wake. “You and Mom. You’re the only two who could hurt me this way… You’re there, and she isn’t.” I start shaking. The wave passes through me again making my body weak. Something’s going to happen to Mom. I know it. I feel it in every part of me. I feel it as clear as if it’s a picture in my head. The picture from her. The fear. The white. The black…

  “Let’s get you to your Mom.” He holds his hand out. How does he know? He just does. He knows me. Landon knows me and knows what I need. And he’s ignoring the fact that I just completely freaked out on him.

  I’m shaking so hard I wonder if I’ll be able to put my hand in his. I brace myself but am also looking, trying to stretch the picture.

  Me crying. Broken pieces. Landon’s guilt, remorse, I stretch further. I try. There’s something wet on the ground. Clear or white? The sun’s reflecting. The picture’s gone.

  We’re walking back the way we just came. His arm is around me, no questioning. Just holding. Supporting. He takes a
few deep breaths and rubs the back of his hand to wipe his tears away. “We’ll fix it, Micah. I promise I’ll help you fix it.” He leans over and kisses the side of my head a few times.

  I feel so guilty, so sorry. Now I know where his guilt comes from. Not because he did something, but because he isn’t able to help. Another wave of weakness comes over me, and I stumble. His hand is immediately tighter around my waist, holding me close to him, supporting me and leading me to his car. I hate this. I’m weak. We’re walking fast. I don’t have the strength to run.

  “I’m sorry. I just felt it, and it hit me so hard.” I have to get to Mom. Now. It’s the only thought running through my head.

  “It’s okay. Next time explain first and run later, okay?” He squeezes my side gently.

  “Okay.” My dress is still making the slap, slap against my legs.

  “Do you have any ideas?” His voice is quiet.

  “Car accident, maybe?” My mom. Landon’s feeling of we’re too late. “I’m gonna be sick.” I stop, lean over the guardrail, and start to throw up.

  It burns my throat and just adds to the misery and helplessness stacking up inside of me.

  Landon holds my hair back.

  “What do I do?” I stand up slowly, trying to wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Why does my stupid body need to react this way? I have to move. Go faster. Get to her quicker. Instead I’m throwing up and shaking.

  “You need to tell your mom.” He takes off his tux jacket and holds it out for me to wipe my mouth.

  “I can’t.” Not the jacket or my mom. Landon just watched me puke. Yet another reason this night is not turning out how I imagined.

  “Use the damn jacket, Micah. I can get it cleaned.”

  “I love you. The real kind,” I say. He has to know this.

  He smiles wide. “I love you. The real kind.” He pauses long enough for me to know he means every word. “Can you keep moving?”

  “Yeah.” I lean into him. Once again using his strength to support me.

  We’re suddenly next to his car. He throws the door open, and I slide in, pulling the blue silk behind me. He sprints to his side, and the engine vibrates as he peels off down the road. I’m not even sure what we’re heading toward aside from Mom. But at least we’re moving forward.