by Anna Smith
‘But what if you don’t come back? I’ll be left with Ann Marie and she hates me. She never talks to me or takes me anywhere,’ I said.
‘I will come back. And if I don’t … well, you’ll just have to come and see me. I’ll be rich enough to send your fare, and you can come and bring Mum, and Ann Marie too, and we’ll have a great time.’
He made it all sound marvellous. He told me stories of the Great Barrier Reef where there were fish that were all kinds of colours, and of the outback where kangaroos and koala bears were running wild. It was going to be the most fantastic place and he would write me letters every week like a diary and I had to do the same. When I looked around me at the dreariness of the houses all cluttered together and the sameness of street after street, I was beginning to warm to it, but I couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye to him.
‘When will you go?’ I asked.
‘Can you keep a secret?’ he said. I nodded.
‘It’ll be about two months yet. Dessie and me are doing some extra work out on McBride’s farm to get enough money, then we’ll be ready. But Mum and Dad don’t know yet. After the other night, I’m going to have to work on Dad and try to get him on my side. I don’t want to fight him, Kath, and I shouldn’t have said the things I said to him. I’d had too much to drink. But he has wasted his life and I will never do that. I can be somebody, I know I can. Now don’t tell anyone until I say, OK?’
I nodded that I wouldn’t. He stood up and pulled me to my feet.
‘C’mon home and we’ll help Mum make the tea. Dad will be in the pub with all the men from the funeral, so it will be a long day on the drink. Let’s just hope he doesn’t want to box me when he comes home.’
Chapter Seven
The days were long and hot, and sometimes when we sweltered under our T-shirts, we peeled off. The boys were always bare-chested and I would have preferred to be that way too, but Mum said that now that I was nearly eleven, I had to keep my vest on. I knew what she meant and knew that some time in the future I would have the big fleshy breasts that Ann Marie had. The thought filled me with dread because everyone was always kidding her on about them and making her blush. But she seemed to enjoy having them. It seemed to get her noticed. Maybe I would get to like them.
It had been two weeks since Tommy Lafferty’s funeral and Dan had hardly been out with the rest of us. He was always helping his mum around the house and going to the shops. He was the oldest of the family and was trying to get a job to bring in some money, so he was always busy. Jamie and Tony were around but everything seemed flat and boring. It wasn’t much fun playing at the Man From Uncle when there was only three of you, and with two of you on the one side chasing just one Russian spy.
Tony and I were spending more time together, wandering off into the fields and woods exploring and climbing trees and building a camp. We used to call it our house and we would bring a picnic and sit inside and eat as if we had lived there for years.
Sometimes we would swim in the burn and Tony would be wearing just his shorts and I, as usual, had to wear my vest. It was when he pulled off his T-shirt one day that I noticed the huge black bruise on his back. It looked as though he had been hit by a stick, but there were also red welts on his back as though he had been hit by a belt or a whip. We were splashing around in the water, and Tony must have forgotten the marks were there when he took his shirt off, then remembered when he saw the shocked look in my eyes as I noticed the bruising.
‘Tony,’ I said, stretching my hand out to gently touch the bruise. ‘Jesus! Your back, Tony … What happened?’
He winced as I touched his back and pushed my hand away. He didn’t say anything for a moment as we both stood in the water up to our waists. The sun was splitting the trees and throwing shadows across the stream. There wasn’t a breath of air. Tony’s face looked sad and angry at the same time. He turned away from me and waded back to the embankment, where he sat down brushing the water from his legs and reaching under his T-shirt on the ground for a packet of cigarettes. I followed him out and sat beside him, turning to lean on one elbow so I was facing him. He drew on the cigarette deeply and the smoke came billowing out of his nostrils. I was fascinated. He seemed to be in another world. Eventually he spoke.
‘It was the Polack. I told you, Kath, he beats me up, the crazy bastard. I hate the shit.’ Tony was sitting with his arms clasped around his knees. I could see the bruise on his back more clearly in the light. It was all the way up his rib cage. There were other little bruises on his arm as well, like finger marks.
‘What happened, Tony? Why did he hit you? What was it for?’ I asked.
‘There doesn’t need to be any reason, Kath. He just takes lunges at me. OK, sometimes I give him a bit of cheek, but mostly he just comes at me for something he says I haven’t done around the house. He sometimes comes into my room and shuts the door. Then I know I’m in for it.’ Tony’s voice was racing.
‘Usually it’s after he’s had a fight with Mom or something. Then he just comes in and grabs me. I punch him back or try to grab his hands but it makes him worse. He says he’s going to put me in a boys’ home or something. I heard him talking about it one night to Mom, and she wasn’t even trying to stop him …’ His voice began to trail off as tears came to his eyes.
‘Oh Kath! What am I going to do? I think he’s going to kill me, or kill my mom … or maybe I’ll kill him, the bastard.’ Tony was wiping tears away from his face.
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to take him home and ask my mum and dad if he could live with us for ever. I wanted to get the police or somebody to protect him. But I had no idea what to do.
‘What do you mean, send you to a boys’ home? He can’t do that. Your mum would never let him.’ The very thought of Tony being sent away filled me with dread.
‘They can if they want, Kath. I heard him talking. He was saying to her that they both got on a lot better when they were on their own and that they would have a better chance if I got sent away to a school somewhere or a home,’ Tony said.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Through his tears Tony said that the Polack had beaten up his mum a couple of times and that she was scared of him. He said that she had started drinking and that sometimes when he came home from school she smelled of drink. She wasn’t the same with him since she married the Pole and now he was trying to split them up. He wished he could kill him or get rid of him in some way.
‘He sits there every night in the bed-room counting his money. I sneaked up one night and watched through the crick in the door. He’s got loads of money stashed away in a tin box he keeps below the floorboards. There’s loads of notes. One of these days, Kath, I’m going to creep in there and steal every bastard penny he’s got. That’ll teach him.’ Tony had the same angry look on his face that he had the day we took Miss Grant’s clothes. It made me scared.
We both lay back on the grass, watching in silence as the wispy clouds drifted across the sky. I wished we could be this way for ever. Just Tony and me, living someplace where everybody was happy all the time. No angry people fighting or plotting against you. No teachers hating you. But most of all nobody ever dying. I could feel the sun burning my face. Tony spoke. He turned his face towards mine. His eyes were a little red, but the blue looked pure and piercing in the strong sunlight.
‘I love you, Kath. I’ll always love you. Even when we’re big and grown up and no matter what happens to us, I never want to marry anyone but you.’ Tony never took his eyes off my face. I didn’t know what to say. I felt a lump in my throat.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know, Tony … I love you too.’ I felt a little awkward saying it but I took his hand. ‘Don’t worry, Tony, it’ll be all right. You’ll see.’ I squeezed his hand. We lay still, feeling the sun dry the water on our bodies. We didn’t need anybody else.
*
I was sure she was dying. Nearly every morning I lay in bed listening to Ann Marie being sick in the bathroom before she went t
o work. Every time I asked her about it she told me to shut up, that it was none of my business. I guessed that everybody else knew about it but they had decided not to tell me she was dying because I was too young. But I knew all the same.
I was even more convinced when I came home one afternoon to find both my mum and dad crying and Kevin standing in front of the fireplace looking very grim-faced. As soon as I walked into the room they rushed me back out. I felt like saying to them that it was all right, I already knew Ann Marie was dying, but I didn’t have the heart. I went upstairs to my room. I knelt down at my bedside and said a decade of the rosary that Ann Marie wouldn’t suffer too much before she died. I asked God why he had to take her to a better place when she was so young and seemed to like the place she was in. I thought it might be punishment for what she was doing in Shaggy Island. I could feel my stomach in knots. I didn’t really know Ann Marie even though we had slept in the same room since I was born. She was different from me and Kevin. Her head was in the clouds and she was always slagging me off for reading books all the time. She had dreams of going to work in Spain or in London as a chambermaid in some big hotel where she would meet a rich man who would marry her and buy her everything. Now she was dying and none of that would ever happen. She hadn’t been anywhere except the chocolate factory she worked in, and the furthest she had been was the dancing on a Friday night at the next town about two miles away. It was all pie in the sky. Maybe that was why she was crying at night. Maybe she knew she was dying and was just so disappointed that she hadn’t got any of the things she had dreamt about. My heart went out to her. I promised myself that I would do everything to help her in the short time she would be here. I started straight away by making her bed and folding her nightdress. I puffed up her pillows and stood back looking at the neat bed. I pictured Ann Marie lying there in her white shroud with her arms clasped across her chest like the way they did in the movies. The thought scared me. I decided to go and meet her at the corner when she came home from work so I could walk with her. I would make an extra effort to be nice to her every day. But I had to make sure she didn’t know that I knew she didn’t have long to go.
I stood at the corner and watched Ann Marie in the distance with two of her pals walking up the road from the chocolate factory just outside the village. She was still wearing her white cotton overall and had her bag slung over her shoulder. They were all having a good laugh, smoking cigarettes and giggling. Ann Marie was laughing too, but when she got closer to me I could see that she looked as if she was in another world. She caught my eye, and I waved to her. She looked a bit confused to see me, but waved back and smiled a little. She was so brave, I thought. I was seeing Ann Marie in a different light now.
‘Hi,’ I said when she reached me. ‘Want me to carry your bag?’
She looked suspiciously at me.
‘I’ve no money, or chocolate … not till Thursday.’
‘Oh, it’s OK, I don’t want anything. I just came to meet you, Ann Marie,’ I said, as if it was a normal, everyday thing for me to do.
Ann Marie looked bemused but handed me her bag and we walked along the road.
‘Where’s your wee boyfriend then?’ Ann Marie nudged me as we went past Tony’s house.
‘Who?’ I said, pretending not to know what she was talking about.
‘The wee Yankee, Tony. Don’t give us your patter. The two of you are joined at the hip,’ Ann Marie joked. She looked happy, not dismissive, the way she normally was with me. I decided to share some of my thoughts with her.
‘He’s my very best friend, Ann Marie. Tony’s great. He’s going to be my friend for the rest of my life.’ I didn’t want to say too much.
Ann Marie stopped in her tracks. She looked at me and her eyes seemed softer than I had ever seen before.
‘Wow. That’s more than a friend, Kath. Maybe Tony’s the man you’ll marry, eh?’
‘I think so,’ I said, trying to sound as if I had considered the notion for some time.
Ann Marie smiled, but she looked far away in her thoughts. I wondered if she had a boyfriend she loved. She never seemed to have any boyfriends for any length of time. They were always hanging around her, then you would never see them again. I felt sad for her because now she was going to die and wouldn’t even get the chance to get married. But I had to pretend I didn’t know anything about that.
‘Do you want to get married, Ann Marie? Do you ever want to get married?’ I said.
Ann Marie stopped and looked up at our house. Her face looked disappointed and as though she was going to burst into tears. Then she tried to smile.
‘Ach, who’d have me?’ She forced a laugh. I immediately jumped in to defend her.
‘Loads of guys, Ann Marie. I’ve heard Andy Murphy and Joe Burns both saying they fancied you. Everybody fancies you … Honest.’
Ann Marie sighed and took her bag off my shoulder.
‘C’mon, smarty pants. The dinner will be ready.’
We went into the house and I followed Ann Marie up to our bedroom. She looked around, bewildered at how tidy it was.
‘I made your bed. And I tidied up everything,’ I said eagerly.
She looked at the room and then at me. She had a funny puzzled expression on her face.
‘What are you playing at, Kath? Is there something you’re looking for?’ she asked.
‘No, nothing. Nothing at all. I, er … I’m just trying to help.’
We went downstairs to eat. The atmosphere round the table was terrible. Mum and Dad’s faces were like fizz and Kevin poured the tea silently, glancing from time to time at Ann Marie and then at me. It must have been like this at the Last Supper, I thought.
Finally the silence was broken by Dad. He looked at me.
‘I didn’t know there was a stooshie at the school trip, Kath,’ he said.
‘Stooshie?’ I said with the most innocent look I could muster.
‘Aye. I hear that frustrated old bint Miss Grant got her clothes stolen at the beach and had to walk through the town in her swimsuit in the pouring rain. Jesus, that must have been a laugh. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall of that bus.’ He was laughing between mouthfuls of food.
I decided I had better say I had heard about it too.
‘Aye, it was a laugh. Er … I heard somebody stole her clothes and the next thing she came on to the bus soaking wet. She was raging,’ I said, stuffing food into my mouth so that I could get the dinner over quickly and make a sharp exit.
‘Who would do a thing like that?’ Mum said, shaking her head.
‘Somebody with a big future,’ Kevin chipped in. ‘Anybody with the guts to do that is going places. Good on them. Grant is a dried-up old hoor by all accounts.’
‘Tut. Mind your tongue, Kevin,’ Mum said.
I kept eating and slurping my tea. Dad persisted.
‘I heard it was a few of the kids who did it, Kath. In fact, I heard it was that wee Yankee fella, Tony, your pal,’ he said, looking me in the eye.
I felt a flush rising in my face. Everybody looked at me. Kevin had a glint in his eye. He could see that I knew a lot more than I was letting on.
‘Tony?’ I said, sounding surprised. ‘Oh no. He was with me and Jamie and Dan all day. No, it wasn’t him.’ I tried to sound convincing, and made a swift mental note to add another lie when I went to confession.
They all looked at me. I was sure they knew I was lying, but I didn’t flinch. I remembered watching a war film where the British woman spy was being tortured and questioned by the Gestapo. She never moved a muscle. And neither did I. But I felt hot.
‘I don’t know so much about that Tony fella,’ Dad said, pursing his lips. ‘I hear he’s a bit of a smart arse. He seems to be the leader of the pack at the school, according to what I hear. Maybe he’s not the right kind of company for you, Kath.’
There was a red mist coming down over my eyes. What did he know about Tony? What did he know about the bruises and red marks on his back from that P
olack bastard who beat him nearly every day? What did he know about Tony’s mum drinking? Nothing, that was what. I was raging, but I wouldn’t dare say anything or turn my tongue on my dad. My eyes were filling with tears.
‘T … Tony’s all right. OK! He’s not bad. He’s good. He’s my best pal and I … I’m his. And … you don’t know nothing about him. So he’s my pal. So just … just …’ I was stuttering on the verge of tears. Kevin saw I was about to lose the place and interrupted.
‘He’s only a wee laddie. There’s no badness in him. Leave the boy alone, Da. If Kath wants to play with him then that’s up to her. Jesus, what do we know about kids’ pals? It’s their own wee world.’
Dad could see how deeply upset I was and backed down a little.
‘I know that, I know that. But all I’m saying is that if he is trouble, then it can lead to trouble for everyone that goes around with him. You know … if you fly with the crows you get shot with the crows.’ He softened as he looked at me.
I downed the last of my tea and pushed my chair back.
‘Tony isn’t trouble,’ I said, standing up. ‘I’m going out to play.’ I walked as straight and upright as I could towards the back door. No matter who they thought they were, they could never tell me anything bad about Tony. I’d loved him from the moment I saw him and nobody could ever ruin that for me. Tony was mine for ever. I could feel their eyes on me as I opened the back door, walked out of it and closed it softly behind me.