by Anna Smith
Chapter Eight
Barney Hagen was a hero. He had been in the war, and he had never been the same since the Japs took him prisoner. They said that when he came home he only weighed five stones and that his cheekbones were almost sticking through his face. They sent him to the Swiss mountains to fatten him up and so that he could breathe pure fresh air. But when he came back home to the village he was never the same man. When they talked about him as a young soldier going to war I could see in my mind this brave boy in an army uniform, with his face all clean and smiling, but with a strong expression because he knew how grave things could be when you went to war. But it was hard to picture him like that when I saw what he was now.
He was only about forty-seven, but he just looked to me like an old man. His face was grey and sad. His hair was almost gone and he wore a flat cap most of the time, even in the house. Barney didn’t go out much these days. After the war everything seemed to fall apart. My dad said that he was only a boy when the war ended, but he remembered that at first Barney had been treated like the hero he was when he came home. They carried him shoulder high through the village and held a feast in the church hall in his honour. But as the years went on Barney just didn’t seem to be able to cope. His wife left him because he spent most of his time in the pub drinking so he could forget the torture and the horrors of the Jap prisoner-of-war camp. After she went away, Barney spent even more time in the pub, where he used to sit in a corner by himself, drinking and staring into space. Sometimes his face would twitch and he would tremble. Dad said nobody would go near him then because he was reliving the nightmare of the war and he would never really escape from it.
Eventually Barney stopped going to the pub and mostly just stayed at home, drinking or just looking out of the window. He walked with a limp because his leg had got withered after an infection set in from an insect bite while he was living in the stinking camp. The leg got worse the older he got and he had to depend on people coming into the house to help him or to go to the shops for him.
I was always a little scared of Barney, because when I walked past his house he always seemed to be sitting peeping out from behind the curtain. Sometimes he would wave and his face would almost smile. I always waved back, but it was a kind of half-hearted wave because even though I was only glancing at him, I could see his eyes and they looked as if they were staring right through me. I knew that some kids were friendly with him and called into his house to run messages for him, but the fact that he was crippled and sad made me afraid of him.
It was a blistering hot day and I was on my way to the shops for Mum, when I passed Barney’s house. I automatically looked in and there he was at the window. When he saw me he strained his neck and pulled back the curtain. He rapped the window and I stopped in my tracks. He beckoned me to come in, but I stood for a moment wondering what to do. What if he was a murderer? I could go in there and never be heard tell of again. Nobody would have a clue as to where I was until Barney died of gangrene or something and then they would find me starved to death in his attic or the coal cellar.
Barney could see me hesitating and he smiled and waved me in again with a reassuring look in his face. His eyes looked softer and I felt sorry for him. He was a war hero, but now nobody really cared about him.
I walked up the path and took a deep breath before gently knocking on his door. He took a while to come and I guessed it was because of his bad leg. Finally he opened the door and there he was standing before me. I was awestruck at how frail and old he looked. I could hardly believe it was the same man that my dad had told fascinating stories of, how he had been captured and lived in a pit of water for weeks while the Japs tortured and killed his friends one by one. He said they even pulled their fingernails off.
My eyes swiftly looked to his nails to see if they were there and I was surprised to find that they were.
Barney could see my fear and shock. He stood back as if to invite me into the house.
‘Would you go a wee message to the shops for me, pet? It’s just that with my leg an’ stuff I can’t get about, and I’m out of bread and things.’ Barney raised his hand in a kind of pleading way. He looked sad. I studied his face for a moment then decided that he wasn’t a murderer.
‘Aye. Yeah, I’ll go for you, no problem … er … Barney.’ I was a bit surprised at how informal I was with someone I hadn’t met before, but he was so well known in the village that I felt I knew him. I stepped into the hall and watched him make his way to the living room with one hand on the wall and the other on a walking stick. He dragged his bad leg behind him. It looked as if there were no muscles in it and it kind of flopped as he shuffled along.
His living room was dark and it smelled of greasy food and stale tobacco. It looked gloomy compared to the scorching sunlight I had just left. I glanced around the room, my eyes swiftly catching picture stories of Barney’s life. There was a black and white picture of a young boy in an army uniform, standing to attention, his hair all shiny and slicked back. He was carrying his army cap tucked under his arm. He had dimples in his face and strong white teeth. In an alcove there was a dark green baize frame with a bunch of medals and ribbons attached to it. They looked like gold and silver and they were the only things that gleamed in the house. They made the place look sad.
My eyes rested on the medals and I thought what a hero Barney must have been to win all these. He must have seen my interest and he limped over to the alcove and lifted the medals to bring them across to me. I watched him slowly cross the floor, then come towards me smiling proudly.
‘Have a look at them, darlin’ … It’s Kath, isn’t it? Martin Slaven’s lassie. I see you all the time passing with your wee pals. You’re always out and about at something, are you not?’ Barney was smiling and his eyes didn’t look sad any more.
I looked at his medals and ran my fingers across the cold metal and the silk ribbons.
Each medal had an engraving for some battle and they had the name L. Cpl Barney Hagen written across the bottom.
‘They’re brilliant, Barney,’ I gushed, sincerely. ‘You must have done loads of things in the war. It must have been amazing. Did you kill loads of Japs and Germans? Was it amazing?’
Barney’s face suddenly stopped smiling and I stopped talking in mid sentence. I looked quickly at his withered leg and I could have kicked myself for blurting everything out when Barney was obviously still remembering and suffering. How could I have done that after everything my dad had said about him? I was ashamed at my thoughtlessness.
‘Sorry, Barney. I didn’t mean to …’
‘Aw, it’s OK, darlin’. No problem. I’m just a bit tired of it all sometimes. But maybe another day I’ll tell you some stories. How does that sound?’ His face was happier and I felt relieved.
‘Great. I’d like that.’
‘Right, now if you go to the shops and buy me some milk, bread and sausages I would be very grateful, Kath.’ He went into his pocket and handed me a pound note. ‘Oh, and get yourself a wee sweetie, Kath, OK?’
I took the money and told him I wouldn’t be long. I let myself out and walked quickly out of the gate and down to the shops. My head was full of wars and bombs and fearsome insects eating the legs of young soldiers who had dreams of going home to the girls they loved.
*
I watched the birds soar across the sky, dipping and diving like kamikaze bombers crashing towards the ground, then with scarcely a flap of their wings they were up and away again. The starlings made a black pattern across the blue, rising and falling, rising and falling. I was hypnotized by their fluid movement. I was alone, lying on the grass near the old railway line with the sun on my face and my thoughts a million miles away. I was lost without Tony, who had gone with his mother to visit an aunt for a couple of days. He had looked different lately. Since the start of the summer holidays he had begun to look pale with dark shadows under his eyes. He said he didn’t sleep at night and he showed me more bruises from the Polack. Tony wasn’
t the same fun any more. He looked sad. His eyes had lost their sparkle and now they looked haunted. He was worried about his mum, who was drinking more and more. She had been found asleep on a park bench in the village square and everyone was talking about her. Afterwards she couldn’t come out of the house for a week because the Polack gave her a black eye.
I closed my eyes so that I could relive the moment when Tony and me were in the sea that afternoon when he kissed me. It was a great picture and I hoped I would keep it for ever.
I didn’t see the shadow approach and I flinched when I felt the blade of grass tickling my face. It was Kevin.
‘So this is where you’ve been hiding.’ Kevin plonked himself down beside me.
‘Hi, Kev, what is it? Is it teatime already?’ I couldn’t understand why he had come looking for me.
‘No, no. Er … Kath … I just wanted to talk to you about something.’ His voice sounded hesitant. I raised myself up on one elbow and looked quizzically at him.
‘What … what is it, Kev?’ My mind started to race. Something was wrong.
Kevin pushed his hair back two or three times, which he always did when he was nervous or worried or trying to explain himself. He looked at his hands, picking his fingernails, then finally looked at me as I sat wide-eyed with anticipation.
‘Well, Kath, it’s … it’s … er … It’s about Ann Marie. Er … she has to go away.’ He seemed to take a deep breath then went on. ‘Er … Ma and Da said I should talk to you about it.’
This was it. I knew it. They couldn’t bear to tell me themselves about Ann Marie dying so they sent Kevin. Oh God! My insides turned over. Kevin looked flushed and upset. I decided to save him the agony. I blurted out:
‘It’s OK, Kev … I know.’
He looked startled. ‘You know?’
‘Aye. I know. I heard her vomiting. Every morning. I’ve known for weeks.’
Kevin’s face was shocked. He struggled with his words.
‘Jesus, Kath. I didn’t know you knew about stuff like that. I … I … er … mean, you’re only ten. Jesus, I can’t believe you knew.’
I tried to be brave.
‘Aye, I knew weeks ago, Kev. I knew for sure when I walked in that day and you and Mum and Dad were all there with faces down to the floor. I’ve been trying to help Ann Marie. I feel so sorry for her. It’s not fair! How can God do that, Kev? How can he take her away to a better place when she’s only sixteen? Sometimes I think God doesn’t care about us!’ I was angry and sad.
Kevin looked bemused.
‘Kath, it’s not really anything to do with God. Well, not really.’
‘Aye it is! He’s the one that comes like a thief in the night, picking people out of their beds! Why doesn’t he take some old fart rather than a young lassie like Ann Marie? It’s not fair!’
Kevin’s eyes were screwed up as he tried to figure out what I was saying.
‘Kath, what are you talking about? A thief in the night?’
‘You know … like Dan’s dad. That’s what Father Flynn said at the funeral. God comes like a thief in the night and takes you away and that’s you dead. Now it’s Ann Marie he’s going to take away …’ My voice trailed off.
Kevin’s face looked as if it was going to burst, then his eyes began to smile.
‘Kath, you don’t think Ann Marie’s going to die, do you?’
‘Of course I do. She is, isn’t she? Isn’t she, Kev?’ I knew the moment I said it that she wasn’t going to die and my heart leapt in my chest. Kevin burst out laughing and put his head in his hands.
‘Aw, Jesus! Kath … Aw, Jesus! Ya poor wee soul!’ He laughed and grabbed me to his chest. ‘I can’t believe you thought she was dying. My God! You must have been off your head with worry!’ He released me and looked into my face.
I was thoroughly confused now. I was thrilled that Ann Marie wasn’t dying, but if Ann Marie wasn’t dying then what was the big deal? Why was everyone going around with their faces ready for a funeral and why was Ann Marie weeping into her pillow at night and vomiting every morning?
‘What’s going on, Kev? Tell me,’ I insisted as he lit a cigarette.
He sat up and composed himself, then he began.
‘Er, Kath … Ann Marie … Ann Marie’s … well, she’s, er, going to have a baby.’
My eyes almost popped out of my head. How could she have a baby? She wasn’t even married. She had only just left school a year. A baby? How? Then thoughts of Shaggy Island flooded my mind and I felt my face redden. Oh God. Was that it? A baby?
‘A baby? God, Kev. What’s Mum and Dad saying? Are they raging? Jesus, is Dad going mad?’
‘Aye, it’s been a bit like that over the last few weeks. That’s why we’ve all been going around with long faces. But listen, Kath, you have to understand this, and that’s why I’m here to see you and talk to you. Now you mustn’t tell anyone in the world, not even Tony, about Ann Marie. You see, it’s a big shame on the family that’s she’s in trouble like this and not married. I mean, she doesn’t even have a steady boyfriend …’
I tried to keep my face straight and hoped that Shaggy Island wasn’t written all over my forehead.
Kevin continued: ‘You see, Kath, Ann Marie has to go away, now that she’s pregnant. She’s going over to Auntie Nora’s in Donegal to have the baby, and then it’ll be adopted, and when she comes back everything will be fine. Everybody will just think she’s been working over in Donegal for a few months.’
This seemed very strange to me. You’re having a baby, you go to Donegal and then give it away. Like an orphan baby. Except it’s not an orphan because its mother is alive and its father too, whoever he is.
‘But what about the baby, Kev? It’s Ann Marie’s baby. Does she not want it? I’d love to have a wee baby in the house. It would be magic.’ The thought of a little baby being bathed and put to bed and then coming in beside you in the morning was brilliant.
Kevin looked very serious.
‘You see, Kath, it’s not as easy as that. It’s not like you can just have a baby and not be married. It’s such an embarrassment for the family. I mean, Mum and Dad will be shamed and Ann Marie … well, she’ll never get a husband if she’s got a baby. Who’s going to take on another man’s child?’
I couldn’t understand this kind of logic.
‘But what about the baby? I won’t be ashamed of it! It’s just a baby!’
Kevin shifted restlessly. He didn’t look like he believed any of what he was saying.
‘It’s not just the practicalities of it. You see, Kath, Father Flynn was down at the house and speaking to Mum and Dad and he talked of the shame and stuff and he more or less told them this is how it’s done. There was no choice really. I mean, there’s lots of Catholic couples in Ireland who can’t have babies and they’d love to adopt one. It happens all the time.’
None of this made any sense to me. I felt a rage rising inside me. Father Flynn. Who was he to come and tell anybody what to do? After what he’d done to Dan I could never look at him straight in the face without seeing him kissing Dan in the sacristy.
Before I could stop, I heard myself saying it.
‘Father Flynn? Father Flynn? He’s a poof!’
Kevin burst out laughing. ‘What? Oh, Kath, ssssh. If anybody hears you, Jesus, you’ll roast in hell.’
I was on my feet. There was no stopping me now.
‘He is! He is! He’s a big poof! Ask Dan! No, don’t, ‘cos he won’t talk about it. But he told us. Father Flynn kisses him after he comes off the altar. After mass even! He pulls him on to his knee and kisses him on the face! Even on the lips! Aye, and another thing, he does it to other altar boys as well! He’s a big poof, and he’s telling our Ann Marie she can’t have a baby? That’s not fair!’
Kevin was shocked. He didn’t know what to say. His mouth was half open as he sat looking up at me, watching me bluster and rage. He pulled me back down and pointed his finger right in my face.
‘Now listen, Ka
th. Have you any idea what you’re saying? Jesus, Kath, you’re saying the parish priest is a pervert! Do you know what that means? Are you making this up?’
But Kevin knew I wasn’t making it up. He knew me too well. We both sat in silence. The birds kept soaring in the sky. Everything looked the same, but it wasn’t. It never would be.
I could almost feel Kevin’s anger about Father Flynn. Kevin had never really swallowed the full Catholic stuff and it was one of the sources of conflict between Dad and him. He had never been an altar boy and when he was a child it was a different priest at the chapel. But now this revelation opened up a whole new image of the priests who he had little respect for anyway. I knew he wanted to go up to the chapel and pull Father Flynn out of the confessional. But he couldn’t. He could do nothing. And he knew that. Who would believe it anyway? Who would anybody believe? A wee boy like Dan or the parish priest who knew everything and could help you any day of the week, even if your daughter was pregnant. His word was as good as God’s because he was so much closer to God than any of us could hope to be. He more or less got through right to the man himself as soon as he made the sign of the cross.
Finally Kevin said, ‘OK, Kath, OK. Jesus! Poor wee Dan! Listen, Kath, I’ll fix this for Dan, I promise you that. Before I go to Australia … But anyway, about Ann Marie … I’m afraid the decision has been made. Ann Marie has agreed to go to Donegal and when she comes back she can start again. Hopefully she’ll think twice the next time. Or better still, maybe she’ll find herself a husband.’ Kevin stood up and flicked his fag end away. ‘Maybe it’s for the best, Kath,’ he said, but I knew he didn’t believe it. ‘C’mon, pal, let’s go home.’ He walked away.
I sat for a moment and watched him as he went. His shoulders seemed to sag a little and I thought I saw him shake his head. His hand went up to his eye and I wondered if he was crying. But no. Not Kevin. I got to my feet and ran to catch up with him. I walked alongside him all the way home. But we said nothing.