Kept

by Shawntelle Madison

  The other families had left for the night. Gone was my moment of glory at the victory dinner. None of them had volunteered their kids for cleanup duty. As I filled a bucket with water, I couldn’t help thinking the obvious: No one complained about the outcast picking up other people’s messes all by herself.

  Things had changed, yet somehow some still remained the same.

  Chapter 20

  When I wasn’t running in the mornings—all alone—or working during the day, I tried to feel like I had some kind of a normal life. Which wasn’t easy, since Nick was still trying to maintain a relationship with me. After figuring out what he’d done, it was rather hard to agree to anything. But he had saved my life multiple times. Totally giving up on a friendship over that didn’t feel right with me.

  Since Christmas was tomorrow, Nick had asked me to eat dinner with him in New York and exchange gifts at his place. It was definitely a compromise on my part, as his place wasn’t exactly the cleanest.

  “Are you sure you want to have dinner with me?” Nick asked as we walked through Brooklyn. “Doesn’t your family have big plans?”

  I nodded. Our hands brushed briefly, so I tucked mine in my pocket. “Mom always cooks a Christmas Eve dinner, but I’m not in the mood this year.”

  Nick groaned. “You’ve worked so hard in therapy. You should be with your family tonight, continuing to patch things up.”

  Auntie Yelena’s words bounced around in my head. Now that I’d had time to dust myself off and cover the gaping wound she’d created, I remembered that her remarks were just words. But who could forget if someone made you feel like you’re worthless garbage that dragged one’s family down? What kind of person did that to family?

  “I’ve made progress with them,” I blurted. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Your face doesn’t say that.”

  “My face says that we need to get to your place and you better give me loads of ornaments to add to my collection.”

  Nick groaned again. “You really need to work on your diversion tactics.”

  “I made an effort to change the subject—there’s a difference.”

  We walked a ways before we reached a stretch of brownstones. Nick lived in a nice neighborhood that I enjoyed walking through. I didn’t look forward to seeing his apartment, of course, but a promise was a promise: We were going to eat dinner and then open gifts at his place.

  We reached his door and I told myself that I’d ignore his mess. That I’d brush aside any claustrophobic feelings that might sneak up on me. So when he opened the door, I was pleasantly surprised.

  Nick stepped inside and gestured for me to join him. He had the smuggest smile on his face.

  The main room had been completely cleared out. Where I remembered once seeing an endless stack of books, I noticed a set of bookcases. In the former place of an overrun coatrack was a nearly barren one, a single black coat on it. And Nick actually had furniture.

  A light from a small Christmas tree illuminated a corner. I took in its meager number of ornaments, promising myself I’d try to share something from my collection with him.

  The room wasn’t large, with the kitchen combined with the living room, but now that everything had been organized, the place was actually cozy. Nick headed into the kitchen and pulled a large casserole dish from the oven. When he lifted the lid, I had to hold back the urge to tackle him for the food.

  “Whatever’s in there smells wonderful!” Only slow-cooked meat would generate that kind of drool-worthy reaction.

  “Well, if you’re hungry, there’s plenty to go around.”

  With all the stuff Nick usually had everywhere, I wondered how he pulled off the cleanup.

  The food piqued my attention as well, since I’d never seen him cook. With hardly any kitchen space, how would he have an opportunity? I didn’t want to offend him, but I had to ask. “Did you perhaps cast a spell or two to make this food?”

  Nick feigned a hurt face. “I can’t believe you’d think I’d use magic to cook.”

  I continued to stare him down.

  “Okay, I picked up a prepared roast at the deli down the street after work. Then I left the food in the oven on low heat.”

  The expression I gave him should’ve been of mock distaste, but I couldn’t keep from laughing. “At least I know it won’t kill me. I trust your food source choices.”

  Nick put the dish back in the oven. He fumbled through the kitchen as if he wasn’t sure where everything was.

  “Do you need help?”

  “I’m good.” He searched around the meager counter space. “When I cleaned up the apartment I didn’t really use a system when I put everything away.”

  My eyebrows lowered. “And where did you put it all? Your coat?”

  “Even my coat pocket wouldn’t hold all the junk I’ve got.”

  I took a step out of the kitchen toward the two other doors. One of them was to the bathroom—while the other one had to be his bedroom. Would it be too forward of me to look behind curtain number one?

  With a wicked giggle, I raced to the bedroom door and whipped it open. Behind me I heard Nick’s protests.

  “What do you think you’re doing—”

  His voice cut off as I stood gaping at his bedroom. Or should I say the wall of junk blocking the entrance into his bedroom. So that’s where all his stuff had gone.

  “It all had to go somewhere,” he said quietly.

  With my index finger, I tapped on a set of books protruding from a tangled mass of clothes. The books didn’t budge an inch. Somehow he’d crammed everything into the room.

  I shrugged. “As long as you can shut the door, no one will be able to tell you stuffed half of Brooklyn in there.”

  “True.” He appeared a bit embarrassed, and I felt kind of bad I’d teased him.

  “You did a great job. So, when are we going to eat and open presents?”

  He sensed my graceful change in subject and pointed over into the living room. “Have a seat and I’ll serve.”

  Dinner tasted great. Nick turned on the radio to some light jazz music. Since it was only the two of us, I got as much pot roast as I wanted. The sides had been picked up from the local deli as well, but I couldn’t complain. We finished the food quickly.

  I’d bought Nick’s gift long before Christmas. Even though I still felt a bit awkward with him, the gift seemed appropriate.

  “Lady’s choice! You get to open yours first.” I shoved the bag into his hands. I could’ve received mine first, but I just wanted to see his reaction to my gift.

  He opened the box and chuckled. “You can’t be serious.”

  With a smirk he held up the lime-green T-shirt, socks, and slacks I’d bought him. A matching hat would’ve made him the twin of the Jolly Green Giant—so I threw in one of those suckers too.

  “You like?” My eyebrows danced. I could be bad when I wanted to be.

  He continued to shake his head but then stood. In a few deft movements, he took off his black shirt and donned the green one. “How does it look?”

  “You look nice and normal.”

  After I said it, we both laughed uncontrollably. We were so far from normal, it was hilarious.

  Next, it was my turn. His gift to me left me breathless. A beautiful crystal ornament of a wolf with a string of woven gold. Far too expensive to give to a friend. But then again, maybe he didn’t see me that way.

  “This is too much.” I put the open box on the coffee table. I was afraid to touch it. It probably wouldn’t be as pure afterward.

  “A new ornament for … hopefully a new start.” He picked it up and pushed it into my hands so I could examine it closely. “Don’t worry about the cost. A friend owed me big-time, and his skills produced the work of art you see before you.”

  He gazed at me with those midnight eyes as if he expected something. My chest tightened. Forgiveness maybe for what he’d done? It wasn’t as if I didn’t think of him as attractive. I knew that underneath his green sh
irt lurked wide shoulders, a set of washboard abs, and a narrow waist. But the truth of the matter was that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find space in my heart for him when images of another constantly flashed in my mind.

  All I managed to say was, “Thank you, Nick.”

  I felt nothing more. I couldn’t give him any more. Not with Thorn in the way or the events from the fairy battle. Just not right now. I had to tell him as much.

  “Nick, there’s something we need to talk about.” I held the crystal wolf in my hand, hoping my grip wouldn’t crush it. “I can’t give you what you want. We can’t be more than friends.”

  “Can I ask why?” he asked softly. “Is it about what happened in Jackson?”

  I immediately replied, “No, it isn’t.” I’d said it far too quickly not to sound guilty.

  Nick looked toward the tree, then his gaze shifted to his hands. “I was wondering when you’d figure everything out.”

  “Did you plan to ever tell me?” There was no anger in my voice—only concern that things had progressed to this point. I should be used to Nick hiding things from me. But the whole life-force-draining thing was something else entirely. It was on the level of hey-I-should-tell-you-I-used-you-and-you-almost-died kind of thing.

  Here we were, having a quiet dinner between friends, but after what had happened in Maine, could we move on to a real relationship? One where we walked hand in hand down the street, among other wary shape-shifters who avoided wizards? One where I took him home to meet my parents? And finally, could I ever trust him again?

  Nick spoke first. “To be honest, I’d hoped I’d never need to tell you, since I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want to. I am sincerely sorry.”

  My heart dropped, and my voice quivered when I said, “Would you do it again? If we were in the same situation?”

  “To save the life of the woman I care deeply for, I’d do it even if she’d never want to see me again.”

  I didn’t look at him, but I knew he gazed at me with an expression in his eyes I couldn’t run away from.

  “Things would be difficult for us,” I managed to say. “Especially with the way things are between our people.”

  Nick offered a bitter snort. “Not all wizards and warlocks are bad, Nat. A few rotten apples on the tree shouldn’t spoil the whole bunch. Has what people said about you stopped you from doing what you wanted? I never took you for a person who only saw someone’s race, instead of who they truly are.”

  “You know I’m not that way.”

  “Then stop giving me excuses. If you don’t want to be with me, then cool, but don’t tell me we can’t be together because you’re a werewolf and I’m a wizard. You and I know very well what’s between us right now.”

  I was quiet for a while, then finally replied. My fingers ran back and forth over the ornament while I tried to find the word he’d pushed me to say. “Thorn.”

  He smiled briefly, and then his shoulders sagged a bit. “I’m not blind. I know you still think about him. But the way I see it, if he’s marrying someone else, then all you need is time to forgive me for what happened back in Maine. And I’m the kind of man who has all the time in the world. Whether you need me as a friend—or something more.”

  Damn. I thought he’d say more to press the matter—maybe even fight me a little, like a wolf would, but he simply sat next to me on his couch, humming lightly under his breath while Miles Davis’s jazz trumpet played a lonely song on the radio. Miles’s music had been a part of my past with Thorn. A past I’d never recapture. Every haunting note was pure torture.

  I set the crystal wolf on the coffee table. My hands were far too shaky. My heart tore. Ripped over potentially hurting Nick, angry I couldn’t let Thorn go.

  Five days. I just needed to make it five more days. Then I’d stop holding out the hope that Thorn could be mine.

  Chapter 21

  After such a rough evening with Nick, I hadn’t expected to come home to find Thorn waiting for me.

  “I thought you’d be home.” He sat on the bench on my back porch.

  “I was out for the evening.”

  “I know. I can smell the wizard all over you.”

  I didn’t have any other seats on the porch except for the single bench so I had to sit next to him. On the farthest side anyway. As much as I wanted to be next to him, I didn’t feel strong enough to be seated beside him. The words I said next surprised even me. “What I do with Nick is none of your business. Whether he rubbed himself all over me or I rubbed his shirts all over my face is my affair.”

  We’d done none of that, but why not let Thorn feel a bit jealous?

  He didn’t respond for some time. Long enough for the cold to seep into my coat. What made things even worse was I didn’t detect anger or any other emotions. Just his stone face staring at mine.

  “You’re right. I don’t have a say in whether you see him or not. But you can’t stop me from wanting to protect you.”

  “That’s another thing. I’m rather happy right now that your fiancée hasn’t stalked me since we don’t see each other anymore. Especially since she threatened to knock me on my ass a few months ago. You’re pretty much handing me an Erica-should-kick-my-ass card with your little visit tonight.”

  Thorn leaned forward and sighed. “When will you get it through your head that I don’t care about what she thinks about us?”

  “You’re here. We’re alone. Her imagination could go nuts coming up with the array of sexual positions we’re plotting on this porch.”

  Thorn grunted and stood to lean against the wall. “Is that better?”

  It didn’t make a damn difference. I could practically smell his skin—enough to feed my imagination. Feed it with thoughts of running my nose from his neck down to his chest. My tongue wanted to take the same path. Good Lord. How the hell did my mind go there so fast?

  “It doesn’t matter.” I looked away from him to focus on the forest behind my house. “The point is that I’m moving on with my life. You left five years ago, and now that you’re back, I can’t assume anymore that we’d have a chance.”

  “Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I can stop caring about you.”

  I harrumphed. “After you left I didn’t expect as much.”

  “I’ve only given what I have to give.”

  Which should’ve been everything, but couldn’t be.

  He sighed. “Right now it feels like you’ve already left me behind to start something new.”

  “I’ve left? You left me a long time ago when you ran away in the first place. Better yet, you seem to have easily forgotten that I’m not the one who left this town. You ran away from me. Not the other way around.”

  His face tightened, but he waited for me to finish.

  “You could’ve come back, but you didn’t. You had a chance to be with me, but you chose another life. Which was rather shitty of you, by the way.”

  “I already apologized for that. I can’t say sorry enough.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  “You also don’t know the whole story.” He sat beside me. Close enough for me to feel uncomfortable.

  “I don’t need to know, since the memory pretty much stabs me repeatedly in the brain stem every time I think about how a guy—who I thought loved me—could just leave, and then stay away for five years.”

  “I did run away, but—”

  “After you left, I had to pick up the pieces of my life, which I still think are pretty much scattered up and down the Parkway.”

  He blurted out, “Can I speak for a minute?”

  Blathering helped me focus on anything except for having to deal with what I faced right now. Everything between us had fallen apart way too quickly.

  “When I left, I had every intention of leaving New Jersey and not coming back,” Thorn said. “My dad had made plans for me for years. And I’m not just talking about marriage. He wanted me to be the pack leader after him. That maybe I’d build up the pac
k to become bigger and stronger than it was now. While we were in college, my father had accrued monetary debts for the sake of the pack. And only the Holdens could save us from losing valuable pack land.

  “When I graduated, I thought he’d consider another successor. Maybe one of his right-hand men. My brother wasn’t ready, but there were plenty of prospects. I at least expected Rex to be one of them, but he’d chosen me instead.” He frowned bitterly from the memory.

  “Most men would step up to the challenge and do what they had to do. For a while there, I was ready to give my all. Wasn’t I the son of the alpha? But then I learned I had another obligation. I also had to marry a woman I didn’t love. Through Erica I had to sire the son her father had always wanted.” His voice grew more and more quiet. “At first I flat-out told him no. Especially since I’d have to break your heart. Here I was—with my family honor and the Code on one side, and on the other was you. My father told me that perhaps he should make you disappear if I couldn’t make the right choice—”

  “So you left,” I interjected.

  “To protect you, I left.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me all of this a few months ago when you came back?”

  “Would it have taken away the pain you felt?”

  I shook my head.

  “I tried to immediately come back. I knew I was wrong, so I packed up my things and I prepared to return … but I ran into trouble.”

  I turned away from the view that had held me steady to look at his profile. How many times had I wished I could be sitting next to him like this?

  “Trouble for five years?” I whispered.

  “The kind of trouble where I moved every mountain to get back home—but someone else didn’t see things the way I did.”

  “What happened to you?”

  “Do you remember the night of the battle? The night when Luther stabbed me?”