Nothing was going to prevent me from moving in with her. My head swam once more with possibilities. Possibilities that could lead to destroying our friendship if I said or did the wrong thing. Possibilities that could break my heart if I was rejected. Possibilities that would forever stay locked away in my head so that I could be her safe place, and she could just be in my world.
Even though she could easily be the center of it.
Not that she wasn’t already.
_____
I checked for more reviews on my way up to the apartment. I liked reading them. I enjoyed reading the positive feedback she got back from her writing because it made me proud, and I knew it made her happy too.
She had the door unlocked, so I just stepped on in. Her head popped up from the fridge, and her smile caught me right in the chest. I hadn’t seen her since Christmas, but the sight of her always did me in, no matter what. Her stringy curls were up off her neck, and she wore a pair of loose, gray shorts and a white T-shirt.
She looked so laid back and fucking irresistible. This would be my view from now on. HELL, YEAH! This was going to be one of those tortures you couldn’t help but enjoy. I could deal with it. I’d been doing it for years already. My attraction to her faded during different times of my life, but never completely, and it always came back stronger than it was before.
This strong, however, was definitely going to kill me.
“Hey, where’re your things?” she asked me.
“Still need to unload it from the truck,” I replied. “Have you been doing squats?”
She actually blushed. “Please, leave my butt alone. Why is that the first thing you wanna bring up every time we see each other after months apart!?”
I flashed my teeth. “I’m just saying.” She felt her forehead quickly in a way that was strange but cute. “Are you getting sick on me?”
Her eyes widened, and she squawked, “No, I’m not. At least I don’t think so.”
“You’re red in the face and you just cupped your forehead,” I pointed out.
“Oh.” She turned away from me and shrugged her hand to the side. “You’re not wearing your glasses.”
“Thought it’d be easier to move with my contacts instead of my glasses falling off my nose.”
“Let me get my shoes on and I’ll help.” She ran behind me and slipped on some flip-flops by the front door.
I smiled. “All right but we’re heading out once we bring everything up. I can unpack once we get back.”
Her nose wrinkled. I grinned.
Needless to say, it was a challenge getting my mattress up two flights of stairs with Emily as my only help. The rails I let her carry one at a time while I carried up the headboard. She was useless if I were honest, but her huffing and complaining had me grinning, nonetheless.
Okay, nothing was truly a chore when I had Emily around to look at and talk to.
_____
“Peanut butter and jelly, really Emily?” I drove my truck, and she sat in the passenger side next to me. Our windows were down, and her smile was contagious.
“What? I like PB&J sandwiches.” She straightened her back out and gazed over at me.
“Me too, but we’re not living off them. We’re gonna have to stop at the grocery store on the way home.”
There was a malevolent twitch in her eyes every time we had a conversation that revolved around money. “Okay there, Benjamin, not all of us receive handouts from our parents, and we have to make do with what we can afford.” She let her eyes roam over me completely and literally snubbed her nose at me. “Spoiled ass.” Then she turned her head toward the window.
I was smirking as I said, “Jesus, woman, can’t I want to feed us good food without you getting offended by my parent’s money?”
She was being petty. “No.”
“I’ll have you know, this spoiled ass goes to work Monday.” I glanced back and forth between her and the road to see if she’d turn around to look at me. “I already promised Dad I would. Not that it mattered. It doesn’t sound bad at all when I think about settling down in the future.”
When she didn’t respond, I added, “Imagine all that food money I’ll be making for us.”
Although I couldn’t see her smile, something told me she was. “Where are you taking us, anyway?” She finally looked at me again.
“You’ll see.” If I told her, she wouldn’t have come.
We were quiet for a minute.
“So, we can eat twenty dollar steaks every night?” There was humor in her voice.
I laughed. “Don’t get too crazy now, we gotta put a taco night in there somewhere.”
She groaned. “This conversation is making me hungry.”
I pulled into one of Dad’s dealerships and she frowned. “What are we doing here, Benjamin? I told you no already.”
I ignored her and cut off the engine. “Just take a loaner until you find you one, that’s all.” Lie.
I knew this whole situation made her uncomfortable. She hated the idea of having to take from me. But I didn’t see it like that at all. I always wanted to help her, she knew this, much to her annoyance sometimes, but I wasn’t ever going to change.
I didn’t want to take away her independence either, only wanted to help her along with it. It was only a matter of time before she’d be able to quit Crash’s for writing full-time. It might not be Gorilla Ben and Rosie that made that happen, but she’d write something that would be the one that would let her hobby become a full-time job. I was optimistic, and I’d annoy the shit out of her until it happened.
So, I guess I was pushy too.
“No.”
No wasn’t going to work on me. I stepped out of the truck and walked over to her side. She locked the door, and I unlocked it with my key. She glared. I showed my teeth. I took her hand and held it tight in mine as I helped her out of the car.
“Wait, Benjamin.” She grabbed my hand that held hers and met my eyes with panic. “Just let me use your truck for now, and you can use one of the loaners. Just until I find myself something.” She took a deep breath and immediately looked better. “There, I asked you for help. I don’t know how long it will take, but I’ll try to save up quickly.”
I never thought to give her mine. “Okay.” She sighed in relief and released my hand, but I tightened my hold on hers. “Let’s go pick me out a new ride.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re so obnoxious.”
All I could think about though was how she let me hold her hand.
Thirty minutes later, after gauging her reaction to every vehicle in the parking lot, I decided on the green Ford Raptor. She wouldn’t give me any opinions on what she thought I should get, so instead, I had to watch her for a reaction as we walked through every vehicle in the lot until I saw the look she had while looking at the truck.
So, I got it. I tossed her the keys to my truck—let’s just call it mine even though I wouldn’t ever take it from her and went inside while she waited outside.
Dad was in his office. There were several closed-off offices throughout the building for his dealers so that they could deal with families alone—giving them privacy. He looked up from paperwork. “Did she find herself something?”
“She’s just gonna use my truck. I’m going to take the green Raptor off the lot for myself.” I grinned, and he shook his head.
“I just got that one in too.” He sighed.
“This is better though, she’s more comfortable with the idea of using mine than taking one from the lot.” He nodded. “Besides, I saw her reaction to the truck. She loves it. I’ll just let her drive it when she wants.”
He tilted his head and considered something. “Good bunch, her and her dad. Nolan sure straightened up. Never saw him come out of the house while he drank. Good company, too.” I just looked at him because I had no idea why he was talking about Emily’s dad. “Junior,” he started, and I already dreaded whatever it was he was going to say. “You ever going to tell her how you fe
el?”
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“You need to talk about it. You’re invested in her so much—heart and soul—seems like.” Didn’t I know it. “Feelings like that…that get a chance to fester and grow through the years are just like anger. You hold it in too long, you’re gonna eventually burst, and you can’t predict the outcome when it happens.”
“I got it perfectly under control.”
“I don’t think you do.”
Truthfully, neither did I.
______
Emily
“Get in the buggy, Emily,” Benjamin practically growled behind me. With the authoritative tone and his already deep voice, my stomach swam with a million butterflies.
Being around Benjamin was like a whole new experience, one I didn’t know if I could master. I was strangely nervous and aware of every little thing he did or said whether it was his movements or the way he grabbed my hand.
He gestured toward the shopping cart in his hand, and I frowned. “I’m not getting in there, so you can stroll me around. What are we, twelve?”
He arched a dark eyebrow. “Could be. You haven’t gotten any taller since then.”
I ignored that comment and folded my hands underneath my chest. “I’m hungry. Let’s not leave until the buggy’s full since you’re buying.”
He peeked at me from the corner of his eye. “Says the one that was just complaining earlier about—”
“Ben?” a soft voice asked. We both looked forward and saw Kelly walking toward us. “I didn’t realize I’d see you this quick. Your mom told me you were coming home this week. I had made plans to come see you.” I stiffened.
“Hey, Kelly,” he said kindly. “It’s been a long time.”
She smiled. “It has.” She glanced my way with another smile. “Hey, Emily.”
“I haven’t seen you at Crash’s in a while,” I responded in kind, even when I felt strangely uncomfortable at Benjamin seeing his first everything in years.
“You’re still working there, I see.” Her words seemed nothing more than friendly, so I didn’t think she was trying to be rude. “I also heard you published a book online.”
“Three actually. It’s a series. It’s entertaining as hell, and I’ll have you know the hero of the story is me,” he said it proudly.
I snorted, strangely embarrassed. “It’s not you, you. I just took bits and pieces of your personality and used them to write him.”
“Same thing.” He shrugged his shoulders and smirked at me.
“I see that you two haven’t changed, always together.” She gripped the shopping cart.
“We’re rooming together,” Benjamin stated.
Her eyes widened. “I had no idea. Your mom never told me.”
“Because I just moved in today,” he said at ease.
She was clearly upset with this news. I had a feeling she had been waiting for him to return home if she had been talking to Faith about it. The thought was stressing. Benjamin wasn’t giving her the chance to make a move though, and I hated that it relieved me.
I never thought about it until now. When he dated, he’d bring her back to our apartment where I’d be too. I’d have to watch and hear things that made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
My idea of sharing him with a wife no longer seemed appealing. It made my blood run hot just letting the thought cross my mind. I was weird, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t make the thoughts or feelings go away.
Day one together was already so different from how we used to be. Only it was just me that was different. My Benjamin was the same. I grabbed my head and rubbed my forehead. Benjamin saw me do it. “Are you sure you’re not getting sick?” he asked for the second time today. The first time was because I felt flustered around him, this time it was Kelly and my thoughts making me uncomfortable and heated.
“Just tired, I think.”
“Well, let’s get this over with so we can leave,” he said. “We’ll see you around, Kelly.”
He said “we” instead of “I” and I was pleased that he was grouping us together, leaving her no room to ask for his number or something.
“Yeah sure.” She looked disappointed with the outcome, and I didn’t feel sorry. In fact, I was so relieved when we went into the next aisle away from her.
“I think she wanted you to ask her out,” I said softly as I tossed some sandwich meat into the cart.
“I’m sure she’ll get around to it.”
I frowned. He was right.
We finished our grocery shopping in silence mostly, Benjamin must have mistaken my surly mood for me feeling bad because he didn’t seem to notice. He placed the groceries in his truck and stood by the one I was using, waiting for me to start it up. His protective nature soothed some of my frostiness. “You know, I’ve been driving just fine all this time without your hovering.”
“You know you’ve missed it.” I smiled at his teasing. “You’re carrying precious cargo, I have to make sure you’re careful all the time.”
I snorted. “I promise I’ll be careful with your baby.” I meant his truck.
“I was referring to you, goofy.” He tapped the inside of the door and stepped away from my window.
This was Benjamin. My best friend Benjamin. His coddling was nothing new, but why was my damn heart pounding? How many times did I have to go through these same lines in my head each day?
Never mind. I was going to continue to ignore it. Best not to even let the truth cross the mind.
“Be careful,” he added, and I quickly rolled up the window.
Two words from him, and I was already thinking of all the things I said I shouldn’t.
Chapter 18
__________
Emily
“With your giant movie collection, our living room looks less bare at least.”
I sat on the floor with my legs crossed as I handed him a few movies at a time while he sat them neatly in place on the shelf he brought.
We spent the first night putting up his bed, correction, he put up the bed while I got in the way more than once.
Whattt? I had wanted to sit and talk to him while he worked.
“We can go buy some more things for the apartment if you want,” he suggested.
I shook my head. “No, we can just get a little at a time. You’re already feeding us and going to help me with the rent.”
He smirked. “I don’t mind taking care of it all, if you’d let me. You let Roger when you were together, didn’t you?”
I frowned. “No, I helped out.”
Now his smile was gone. “Why?”
“Because, when you don’t have much, you don’t want people thinking that’s all you want from them, and you especially don’t want them thinking they have the right to boss you around since they pay something for you.” When his eyes darkened, I sighed. “I don’t know why this comes as a surprise to you, you should know after the guys I dated… I don’t ever want to give anyone the opportunity to hold something over my head.”
“You think I’d be that kind of person?”
He looked upset. I shook my head quickly. “No, it’s not like that with you.” I gave him a smile. “Truthfully, you’re the only person I let myself count on. Didn’t I keep you busy in high school because of that?” That made him loosen up and smile. “I just don’t want to take advantage of you or our friendship. I care about you too much to do that.”
“We grew up together, Emily. I know who you are. I take care of you. I always have, and I always will.”
“Your future wife is probably crying in her sleep right now for some reason she has yet to know.”
“None of your boyfriends liked me either,” he stated with a grin.
“True, but Roger put up with it because he loved me. Despite what you want to believe, he wasn’t a bad guy.”
His gaze probed me. “Then why did you break up with him?”
“Because I didn’t love him. I didn’t feel a
nything, and that was sad. I was settling because he was the first decent guy I dated. Maybe I do believe in romance and passion because I suddenly have a thirst for it again.” I laughed quickly, suddenly hot in the cheeks. “Guess the crappy experiences I’ve had are fading with time because I’m a dreamer again,” I added awkwardly.
When I looked up at Benjamin, he was standing still and watching me with probing eyes. I got up quickly and stood because I could no longer hold his gaze. “I better get ready for work, you’ll have to finish this up yourself.”
______
A few days later I was making tacos for us when Benjamin glanced up from his phone and said, “Looks like Mom gave Kelly my number.”
I stiffened, spatula in hand.
“Oh,” I mumbled. “Did you text her back?”
“Yeah, no point in ignoring her. I’ll have to hear about it from Mom if I do.”
That tightness in my chest? Well, it was making it hard to ignore the truth of what was becoming of me.
I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and shrugged casually like I wasn’t suddenly in a rotten mood. “She’s the one that broke up with you. Why is she trying to get in touch now?”
He stepped into our small kitchen with me and leaned against the counter next to the stove. “Who knows? Maybe she thinks I’ll be a better boyfriend now that I’m older.”
I gave him a soft gaze. “Stop. You’re great. You might not have given her a lot of your time in high school, but you’re a catch.”
“Look at you, giving me compliments. You’re the one that said I didn’t bone her right, remember that?”
I blushed and looked down at the stove. “Well, I didn’t say you’d be a good lay.” This entire conversation was slightly awkward since I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d be like in bed. I’d never had great sex in my life—maybe that was my problem—and my frustrations were taking it out on me in the form of torturing me over fantasizing about my best friend. “I do know that you’re a good guy. You’re loyal and protective. Good qualities.”
“Not really. It’s my protective nature over you that gets me in trouble with every girlfriend.”
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