The Urban Book of the Dead

by Jonathan Cottam

  The man with the butterfly net went on with his work until he suddenly threw up his head and turned away in disgust. The sight that had greeted him was a female hand with red varnished nails, being took from behind by a large hairy male hand beaded with sweat.

  I looked away myself and in my new range of vision saw another hand metamorphose into a transparent bristling spider, every hair on the back of the hand stood up on its translucent body. The spider jumped off the counter onto Jay’s face. Jay stood still as its transparent body magnified and distorted his features, pulling at his lips and eye lids with its legs. It ventured a leg into Jay’s mouth, which he bit off and swallowed with a gulp. The injured spider fell off and dragged its body along the floor amongst shuffling shoes.

  “You wanna eat here Monster?” said Jay turning to me and giving a cough under his bandanna mask which ruffled it.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off the machine as I replied “I hate to think what the cheese is made from.”

  I turned and looked him in the eyes passing a knowing signal “No; lets see if they still have a skip out the back like they used to.”

  We went to the back of the building into a court yard and the metal dumpsters were still in place. Jay opened one and withdrew a black plastic bin bag. He held it up and made a tare and peered in. then he looked up and smiled at me, withdrawing a cheese burger which he held up. A beetle as big as the burger inside dropped out onto the ground, it was sapphire and emerald coloured. Jay picked it up as it wriggled its legs and put it back in the burger, then; pulling down his bandanna he took a bite that had an audible crunch “They taste better than the burgers” He said, smiling with bulging cheeks.

  I rooted in the bag and drew out my own burger, a ‘chicken’ burger. The bread was limp and stale, but it had a dank smell of cooked meat that was enticing. I pulled two like sized bugs out of it and took a bite. “Mmm” I said “Yummy”. Then added “We really should have took them home and grilled them like the old days”. We sat down on the bag and ate our meals. Jay got out a chicken burger from the bag under him and took a bite “I think this is testicles” he said unconcerned.

  The burger did not agree with me, it seemed to be ripping its way through my digestive track and my stomach was not as solid as it used to be. Loud rumblings could be heard and Jay looked around with his arms out tensed, ready to dive for cover, then looked at me “Jon! I thought he’d sent a fucking tank for us.” Food here seemed to be a risky and unnecessary exercise like taking drugs.

  “I’m going to take a look how my Gollum’s doing” I said. I located the back of my mind where his image was located and looked into myself. Redd was sketching a map with his to him large pen on a scrap of paper, his scroll was uneven but the map was detailed, it showed three levels and marked off toilets and a cloak room, there was a room on the top level marked with an ‘x’. A fire escape ran around the back of the building to different levels of the complex, and Redd had marked each one with a sketch of a padlock. Redd was aware I was looking in on him and looked up and surveyed the room so I could see it properly.

  The first thing Redd did was look at the ceiling on the lower level, and I could see hundreds of happily bobbing red balloons on the ceiling in a rope net, but Redd was focusing closer so I could see that each one had a timing device and was an incendiary device meant to trap us. Men with sharp gelled hair in smart casual clothes, shirts or lama wool jumpers knitted up their necks in multifarious colours, and women in party dresses, spotted, striped, laced or black, or see through plastic, their breasts pushed out, were sat on the floor looking at each other in a bored malicious way. Eyes made large and cruel by mascara sized up the men’s worth with compass point movements as the women were tapping high heeled shoes that came to sharp points, or stabbed bodkins half hidden in garters into the backs of their shoes to lever in their feet. The men looked on with savage wild eyes and played with garrotting wires attached to expensive looking wristwatches, they pulled the wires and watched them reel themselves in.

  “Come back now Redd,” I said telepathically.

  “No way, I’m staying” came Redd’s answer “You know the lay out.”

  “What are you going to do?” I asked.

  Redd replied “I don’t know yet, I’m going to try and get him” his eyes touched on the room with the ‘x’ and the pen stabbed it.

  “Okay” I said “I’ll keep in touch. But don’t set off the balloons, set their timers for one am tonight, if you set them off now and fail he will change the venue and that place will be a burnt out wreak, the police will close it down.”

  I came around and unfolded the picture from my pocket, Jane was in a corner of the white walled room huddled on the floor and crying, every few seconds she would look up and mouth the words help. It reminded me of a heroine in some old black and white silent movie, I saw myself coming towards her on some old steam train shunting round a corner as a white sun set, the tracks leading straight to her, I would peel up the tracks towards heaven and send them straight up Gods arse. The caption “we got him” ends the story as I hugged her.

  I put the picture back in my pocket and turned and looked at Jay “We had better get back, squeeze my hand tight.”

  “Jon, this is not the place.” Jay said looking at me with a stylised fakery of romantic love, the eye lids fluttering, he looked at his limp burger and shrugged “It happens sometimes.”

  I grabbed Jays hand and we were back at mine.

  No sooner had we appeared and sat down on the couch with a joint sigh, than Judith appeared, still naked, still red with the head dress of skulls and gold horns, but something different about her.

  “Will you put some clothes on” I said jealously “You’re going to get Jay all excited”.

  Jay looked at me then back at Judith “Don’t mind me Monster” then Jay looked at me again “Besides isn’t she getting a little fat for me, now that girl I got you…”

  Judith rubbed her bulging stomach as he spoke.

  I shouted out “You’re pregnant!”

  Judith replied indignantly “Yes. You didn’t use protection.”

  I must have looked taken aback, I moved back in my seat “Isn’t being dead protection enough?”

  “Not from the likes of you apparently” Judith said defensively.

  I was made happy and amused by the news, since I had no children and Judith was the perfect biological mate. “Do I have to marry you now? An inexperienced young lad like me? You’re reputation precedes you, and I might even say you have an ill repute, ‘whore of Babylon ’!”

  Jay laughed “Ha-ha, it’s an ill wind blows no good.”

  I laughed myself “Ha!” I turned my arse and farted in Jays direction.

  “Phew!” Jay said waving his hand.

  “You might want to examine that and report me the good in it.” I laughed, we had high spirits, or; you might say; we were ‘high spirits’.

  All this time Judith, whore of Babylon; broadly smiled. “You might want to see what that Gollum of yours is doing; oh I know about him, God doesn’t yet.” She gave a grin “You should expect some good news.”

  I went to the place in the back of my mind where Redd’s consciousness existed, and I saw the picture of a heaving posterior, fat, white and spotted with a gapping dirty anus. I could hear familiar cries. Then I saw the hands of Redd; lobster phone in one hand and toothbrush razor in the other. He shoved the toothbrush up the bouncer’s arsehole, in and out and in and twisted it. There was an inhuman howl of pain, then the phone came down on his head with the clanging ring of the bell inside “clang”, then Jane had grabbed the phone and brought it down on his head with another “clang”, then again with a “clang”, only pain was keeping the man conscious as Jane got out from under him and ran out of the room quickly, grabbing her soiled knickers.

  My Gollum jumped on her back, she tried to brush him off, then realising Redd was her saviour, let him hang on. Her eyes looking back at him, raised with an expression of complici
ty. Through the next room, the hand of God could not even grab her and three bouncers looked on surprised. Jane’s eyes now looked starry, as she entered the dance floors; like her mind was full of the silent flashing lights, her face and mind, green, red, blue. Down three flights of stairs, hugging the chrome railings, almost sliding down it, bent forward but looking back and out of the building before any one could react, as Redd looked backwards off his position on her shoulder, her escape was hardly registering on their faces which had only dawned full realisation as she left the building; one woman’s hand at the entrance reaching out and only snatching the night. The name of the club in bold neon fly killing violet, smiled its good will at their escape as Redd looked back.

  “Redds bloody done it!” I shouted. Excitedly I said to the other two “We have to find her before they do.”

  There was a solemn look on Judith’s face “Yes but Redd’s moved too soon.”

  I stood up and stared at Judith “Well; we can talk about it later, now we have to find her before they do.”

  Still standing I looked into my mind and asked Redd “Where are you taking her?”

  Redd answered “To the McDonalds skip, I’m going to hide her in the bin quick, you have to get to her before God searches her out, it’s a matter of time.”

  Judith and Jay snatched up zip guns and loaded them and we joined hands and tumbled through the ether and then we were back at McDonalds skips, this time on earth.

  No sooner were we there and Jane ran into us around the corner, pushing out her hands as if to stop herself. She was my runaway train coming to a halt at the end of the tracks. My Gollum got up and rested on her shoulder facing us as Jane panted for breath, holding her side and doubling up, hand on her knee and moving up and down. She put one foot and then the other in the knickers in her hand and dragged them up. She must have streaked down the street naked; it could not have gone unnoticed.

  Redd said “Now what will we do, this will never be over, he will snatch her back and kill us unless we kill him.”

  The truth of the situation and what Judith had said to me before we left was dawning on me. “We have to get her back, the plan is for tonight, if we don’t get him tonight this will never end and he will get his turn to do it his way.”

  Jane cried and hit me with her fists on my chest “This is all your fault for loving me, I haven’t even met you yet, you can’t send me back there this is your business.”

  I replied stonily “My fault or not you have to go back or this will never end for you; but I won’t send you back unless I know you can escape at any time, I’m not sending you back for that. It’s unlikely they will start again tonight but if they do… Judith!”

  “Yes?”

  “Give me the smallest ladies pistol you can summon up, a Derringer; and a ring with a suicide capsule in it.” I demanded.

  The two things appeared instantly in Judith’s hand and I passed them to Jane. “We will get you captured without suspicion, if they try anything shoot them, if that doesn’t work take the suicide pill and you will be away from them in the afterlife.”

  Jane put the gun down her pants and looked like she had a cock, then she put the ring on.

  I told her with some urgency in my voice “Maybe you had better put that in you’re bra.”

  “I know what I’m doing” she said looking at me sternly.

  I nearly fell over, hit by a wave of love emanating from her tears, she wiped them away, I felt splashed, it was like being hit by the spray from the ocean, then it was all dry and I was all washed up, beached on her face as my head fell against her and I kissed her. The lips remained hard. My face lost its constituency in the act and splashed her in turn.

  She said nastily “Do you want me to take the pill now?” then her face softened with remorse.

  I emptied a black bin bag from the skip, and burgers cascaded on to the floor, Jay saw what I was doing and helped me measure Jane up with the bin bag over her body so we knew where to tare the holes and how big, Jane still catching her breath, slipped into it.

  I pointed out “Now you don’t look all that different from a lot of the girls in the street late at night.”

  We four became invisible, Redd now on my shoulder; and we walked up the street with Jane, I watched her pausing jaunty walk, the little distracted slips and the unsure skips, as I whispered in her ear, she looked over her back for the source of the sound. Redd talked in my ear, we were then shoulder over shoulder as we walked, but to Jane, she was alone with a voice, however; watching her face it was giving her a thin breeze of comfort in the ear I was keeping warm out of the cold night with my frequent comments.

  Passers by took her for a drunk schizophrenic or were too pissed to observe accurately, the bin liner could have been the latest fashion accessory; or; at least hen night dress of some one searching for their mates.

  I asked as we passed a woman doubled and spewing up “Who do you see? Do you see every one I see, any one could be one of them. If they see you walking with Lucifer and two angels or demons were done for. Do you see the man walking deliberately, the tall one bending like in the breeze, he might be drunk, and he might just be sober and too tall for the weather and from heaven or hell.”

  Jane talked over her shoulder, blowing my hair with breath soured by imprisonment but sweet to me. “No. They are all just drunk; you could do with a drink yourself, I’m the one who should be worried. Are you the optimist drunk, social; or are you a wreck; because if you’re drunk you’re a wreck; you see a worm in the bottom of the tequila bottle, I see a genie. You know every time I drink a girl like me gets her wishes, you; I bet you just know you’ve swallowed a maggot.”

  I laughed, deliberately blowing in her ear “You’ve swallowed so much spunk in your life you’re spitting it out with your words, your spunky my girl.” Jane stuck her tongue out at me and a woman passer-by looked nervously away, since there was nothing between Jane and her but the night. The woman opened the door of a black cab with a concerted drunken look that made me think she thought the friendly chug of the Taxi was the car laughing at her.

  We got to the bins at the back of the night club with its dark old bricks and tubular silver bins. I spoke one last time “Climb in the bin and take that bin liner off, give us two minutes to get out and clank the lid, if it doesn’t get their attention clank it again.”

  Jane got into the bin; the sign above her buzzed like insects and she swatted the air with her hands for several seconds before realising what it was. Although I only had eyes for her beautiful tear filled face and felt in my heart that those tears must be for me, so filled were they with an all encompassing mercy any one would want to grab for themselves; her face spoke the actions I didn’t see; starring at me with a look that insinuated it’s self so completely and instructively on the expressions of her face that it can best be described as the look of some one who thinks they are above climbing into bins and is climbing into a bin.

  We left and I looked back till we were out of sight, and then I heard a clank followed by a fake surprised scream; “ahh, ohh”; a little too obviously surprised; and a tone of theatrical hysteria. I winced so tightly pressure built in my face and I was all squeezed out of shape.

  I decided my Gollum was not coming back with us, he was to infiltrate the building again and keep an eye on what was going on “Go back then; keep out of sight; give me a shout if there’s anything going down. They might be looking for you if your victim survived long enough to grass you before burping his last degenerate, brothel odour breath.”

  He jumped off my shoulder and left, and we three materialised back in mine.

  “We have to be ready a good time before 1 am.” I shouted running into the kitchen looking at my watch; its molten face suggested 10 pm.

  “Why can’t we just go back earlier in time?” asked Jay biting his nails anxiously whilst his voice remained smooth. “After all it’s in the past.”

  From the kitchen through the open door I looked back and watched J
udith examine her belly in the bathroom mirror “Because we are tied to that time, the picture in Jon’s pocket ties us to that time” Judith answered rubbing her hump and lifting it with her hands and prodding it. It was growing fast.

  I went into the bathroom with a squeezy bottle in my hand “That’s coming on” I said to Judith’s bump kissing it.

  “Go to Hell.” said Judith; then nodding her head enthusiastically and grinning, “Go to Hell and get some troops.”

  I watched Judith for a while longer, the bump kicked a big bulge in her stomach and she looked down at it open mouthed. She pushed the leg back in and ripples appeared. Then a face stretched and opened its mouth over the translucent red skin of her belly, I heard a barely audible cry. Judith picked up a fly squat and patted her belly back in jauntily and enthusiastically, she looked at me smiling. “We’ve got a little acrobat in here” laughed Judith “whether he’s a little monkey or a trapeze artist he’s going in the circus!”

  I went into the lounge Jay was still biting his finger nails on his right hand, pulling them with his teeth, they had elongated in the manner of cheesy string and he tried harder to bite them off; then he simply pulled them out, giving me a look and a smile that signified his inner frustration.

  Jay’s eyes looked at me and went hypnotically deep, drowning deep, his face fell under the pressure of those depths, sank around his eyes, then his face really fell, a molten blank of loose ectoplasm and the mask said to me “Jon; aren’t you afraid at all”

  “No.” I replied, I had no idea what that meant, “You saw me the last time I was afraid. It will never happen again.”

  Suspicious I asked “Are you?”

  Jay replied “No. of course not” pushing his face back up between his hands “I hope you can get us better bodies when this is over.”

  I looked away from Jay, clearly Jay had a decision to make, one that should have been easy, but not for Jay; no matter; in some ways to have to struggle to make the right decision makes you the better man, struggle is heroic, habitually doing the right thing is a comfortable ease; I might say that I have for a long time, struggled to do the right thing.